Advice for dysphoria :(

[Mercury Venus]

Hey, 

I'm Saint, a very dysphoric non-binary trans-masc with a dilemma.

I recently came out as trans to my parents and they have been accepting and have allowed me to buy a binder and appropriate underwear, but the thing is I'm scared because I don't know if I want to go through bottom surgery now cuz I don't feel like I am myself and feel like the binder and underwear aren't enough, and Im starting to feel like I hate my body, and cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror, and it always takes me two hours carefully hiding beneath layers and layers of baggy clothes to hide my body, to desperately feel happier with myself, but I'm not, and ever just misgenders me anyway.

I have tried to speak to my mum about this but she keeps saying I should wait for surgery and hormones cuz the legal age is 18 and I'm only 16, but I don't want to live like this and hate my body to the point I want to hurt myself. There is this constant thought in the back of my head- what if as my parents say I "regret my decision" to transition- but the detransition rate is below 1%, I feel like they are gaslighting me into agreeing with them just because this is "complicated". Like, they do use the right pronouns and correct themselves, but I still feel like shit because I feel like I've changed in their eyes. and they don't see me anymore just my gender.  

I want to try packing but I feel like they are going to say I'm "too young" when I know people younger than me who pack, and they have this sort of mentality where they think if you know you are trans or queer from a young age such as 5 it's too young, but I think if I had known I was trans from a very young age I would have not been dysphoric now, and wouldn't have had to go through female puberty and feel like crap about it now because I've only got two years left, and then ill develop into a woman and then on top of that starting hormones I will be sort of 18, and it will take years for me to feel like myself, and actually transition, and thought of all that and having to answer questions about my early childhood like what toys did I play with seems daunting because for a lot of the questions regarding social interactions and like dresing up, they aren't applicable to me because im non-binary and i was both a tomboy and a girly girl when i was younger, and being autistic i struggled to socialise with others and played alone a lot and had no friends, so if there is any questions did your child prefer to play with boys or girls i would say female from the few friends i had, other than friends me and my sibling were friends with, and i don't want that to reduce my chance of transitioning and going on T and at least trying to be happy bc i don't know if i will regret it, i just honestly want bottom surgery atm and to look more masculine.

Also, I'm regretting ever coming out to my parents and family because it would be easier to just wear dresses and be feminine, identify as neutrois or intergender than go through this shit, and just be a ghost and pretend I'm female, bury my queerness and not exist.

Anywho, thanks for listening to my random rant,

Have a great rest of the day,

Saint 

[AshtonBeach]

12 hours ago, Mercury Venus said:

Hey, 

I'm Saint, a very dysphoric non-binary trans-masc with a dilemma.

I recently came out as trans to my parents and they have been accepting and have allowed me to buy a binder and appropriate underwear, but the thing is I'm scared because I don't know if I want to go through bottom surgery now cuz I don't feel like I am myself and feel like the binder and underwear aren't enough, and Im starting to feel like I hate my body, and cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror, and it always takes me two hours carefully hiding beneath layers and layers of baggy clothes to hide my body, to desperately feel happier with myself, but I'm not, and ever just misgenders me anyway.

I have tried to speak to my mum about this but she keeps saying I should wait for surgery and hormones cuz the legal age is 18 and I'm only 16, but I don't want to live like this and hate my body to the point I want to hurt myself. There is this constant thought in the back of my head- what if as my parents say I "regret my decision" to transition- but the detransition rate is below 1%, I feel like they are gaslighting me into agreeing with them just because this is "complicated". Like, they do use the right pronouns and correct themselves, but I still feel like shit because I feel like I've changed in their eyes. and they don't see me anymore just my gender.  

I want to try packing but I feel like they are going to say I'm "too young" when I know people younger than me who pack, and they have this sort of mentality where they think if you know you are trans or queer from a young age such as 5 it's too young, but I think if I had known I was trans from a very young age I would have not been dysphoric now, and wouldn't have had to go through female puberty and feel like crap about it now because I've only got two years left, and then ill develop into a woman and then on top of that starting hormones I will be sort of 18, and it will take years for me to feel like myself, and actually transition, and thought of all that and having to answer questions about my early childhood like what toys did I play with seems daunting because for a lot of the questions regarding social interactions and like dresing up, they aren't applicable to me because im non-binary and i was both a tomboy and a girly girl when i was younger, and being autistic i struggled to socialise with others and played alone a lot and had no friends, so if there is any questions did your child prefer to play with boys or girls i would say female from the few friends i had, other than friends me and my sibling were friends with, and i don't want that to reduce my chance of transitioning and going on T and at least trying to be happy bc i don't know if i will regret it, i just honestly want bottom surgery atm and to look more masculine.

Also, I'm regretting ever coming out to my parents and family because it would be easier to just wear dresses and be feminine, identify as neutrois or intergender than go through this shit, and just be a ghost and pretend I'm female, bury my queerness and not exist.

Anywho, thanks for listening to my random rant,

Have a great rest of the day,

Saint 

Hi saint Im Axel/Alex Im also Trans masc and I knwo how you feel  (to some extent) . I am 14 and Have yet to fully come out as trans but honestly I knwo it sucks When I told my family I was nonbianary (last year)  pure hatered of the topic. I lived with my friend for a few weeks then went home and honestly... It sucks I have wanted top surgery and bottom surgery for a long time now and my parents (only know of top surgery) think im too young and I cant decide yet but when im on my period now I Hate it more then ever it makes me feel less like a man and its hell I know what its like to not get to fully transition and I hope you know Im hear for you! Its a horrible feeling not being able to fully be yourself around your family but you choose what to do in your life the minute your aloud to get bottom surgery and whatever else you wanna do to transiton! You got this and are not alone.

 

-Alex 

[Aurora]

On 2/25/2024 at 9:01 AM, Mercury Venus said:

Hey, 

I'm Saint, a very dysphoric non-binary trans-masc with a dilemma.

I recently came out as trans to my parents and they have been accepting and have allowed me to buy a binder and appropriate underwear, but the thing is I'm scared because I don't know if I want to go through bottom surgery now cuz I don't feel like I am myself and feel like the binder and underwear aren't enough, and Im starting to feel like I hate my body, and cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror, and it always takes me two hours carefully hiding beneath layers and layers of baggy clothes to hide my body, to desperately feel happier with myself, but I'm not, and ever just misgenders me anyway.

I have tried to speak to my mum about this but she keeps saying I should wait for surgery and hormones cuz the legal age is 18 and I'm only 16, but I don't want to live like this and hate my body to the point I want to hurt myself. There is this constant thought in the back of my head- what if as my parents say I "regret my decision" to transition- but the detransition rate is below 1%, I feel like they are gaslighting me into agreeing with them just because this is "complicated". Like, they do use the right pronouns and correct themselves, but I still feel like shit because I feel like I've changed in their eyes. and they don't see me anymore just my gender.  

I want to try packing but I feel like they are going to say I'm "too young" when I know people younger than me who pack, and they have this sort of mentality where they think if you know you are trans or queer from a young age such as 5 it's too young, but I think if I had known I was trans from a very young age I would have not been dysphoric now, and wouldn't have had to go through female puberty and feel like crap about it now because I've only got two years left, and then ill develop into a woman and then on top of that starting hormones I will be sort of 18, and it will take years for me to feel like myself, and actually transition, and thought of all that and having to answer questions about my early childhood like what toys did I play with seems daunting because for a lot of the questions regarding social interactions and like dresing up, they aren't applicable to me because im non-binary and i was both a tomboy and a girly girl when i was younger, and being autistic i struggled to socialise with others and played alone a lot and had no friends, so if there is any questions did your child prefer to play with boys or girls i would say female from the few friends i had, other than friends me and my sibling were friends with, and i don't want that to reduce my chance of transitioning and going on T and at least trying to be happy bc i don't know if i will regret it, i just honestly want bottom surgery atm and to look more masculine.

Also, I'm regretting ever coming out to my parents and family because it would be easier to just wear dresses and be feminine, identify as neutrois or intergender than go through this shit, and just be a ghost and pretend I'm female, bury my queerness and not exist.

Anywho, thanks for listening to my random rant,

Have a great rest of the day,

Saint 

Hi @Mercury Venus, thanks for being so open with us. I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this right now. It sounds like this is really having an affect on your wellbeing and I think I understand why you regret coming out to your parents. Have you come out to anyone else, who you feel you can talk to about this dilemma and who you feel understands you? 

I can see that @Alexbeach is offering you some support and we're also here for you. I  only saw your post, after I replied to your message on Confidential Support and I'm wondering whether the two things are connected.? If you like we can talk a bit more about this on CS or would you prefer to talk about it here? Whatever works best for you.