am i in love?

[opie]

 

hey! i had a quick question about a scenario im in and its kind of driving me insane because i dont know what to do.

for context, i am a high school junior in conneticut and as far as im concerned, i've been straight all my life. by that i mean i've always had crushes on guys and i would have never thought about asking a girl out or being with a girl. all my friends think that i might be gay just because i am very "flamboyant" with my hand gestures, fashion, the way i talk, and the fact that i LOVE theater and the arts in general.

however, recently i feel like something in me changed. i made a friend last year and we sit on the bus together on the way to school. at first it felt like a typical friendship but i think somewhere in between then and now, I have started to develop feelings for her, especially after she came out to me.

for more context, we are more close than your typical friendship to the point where ppl think that we are dating and i always kind of make fun about how that wouldn't work out bc im straight...but my thing now is am i?

we text a lot and sometimes i feel frantic when i send a message and i don't get a response back, or when she sends me messages my heart skips a beat for a second. same with physical touch, like if she ever hugs me or touches my hands or shoulder, i can feel my heart pounding more. at one of the school dances, we ditched our friends and spent the whole night slow dancing and i don't think ill ever recover from how that made me feel. the two of us always used to ditch our friends during lunch, and sit and just talk together, listen to music, gossip, ect. we would tell eachother everything. for valentines day last year, even though we are just friends, she made me the sweetest homemade gift that i keep in my room. she even told me once she loved me...she clarified platonically afterwards bc she thinks im straight and we kinda joked about it afterwards. 

the thing is i thought all of that was a platonic, but this year, junior year stuff kinda changes.

we had kinda fallen out for two months, stopped texting, didnt sit together nothing. i felt like i couldnt hate her even though i should bc i think i was developing a crush. during that time i also heard from mutual friends that she got a girlfriend, and even though we werent friends, even though we werent talking, even though i was pretty sure at the time i was straight i felt so angry and jealous and even now i cant understand why.

fast forward, we started talking again yay! she apologized and we met up for food, and she had told me about this girlfriend and how they had broken up and again, i cant explain it but it made me happy to hear. even though it caused her grief for whatever reason it just made me feel better and i know thats so bad to say. we hang out a lot more and love is constantly something i express to her (like not that i love her but how i wish i was with someone)

i feel like this "crush" is getting worse as im constantly "stalking" her on social media, and listening to her spotify playlists on repeat. additionally im not even sure if im bisexual or not (whole other story) i cant even begin to tell ygs how many "am i bi" quizzes ive taken online... i guess what i wanna find out is what should i do? im not really out to anyone...am not even sure if i need to be out and i definitely dont wanna fuck up our friendship telling her i like her? i just feel so lost, and now at school i stare at her in the halls, and talk to her on the bus like a best friend should, but i want to be more...

im so sorry for the long story, its just i dont know what to do...and im not even sure if i am straight or not...i just need some guidance 

 

[ribboness]

On 2/19/2024 at 3:02 PM, opie said:

hey! i had a quick question about a scenario im in and its kind of driving me insane because i dont know what to do.

for context, i am a high school junior in conneticut and as far as im concerned, i've been straight all my life. by that i mean i've always had crushes on guys and i would have never thought about asking a girl out or being with a girl. all my friends think that i might be gay just because i am very "flamboyant" with my hand gestures, fashion, the way i talk, and the fact that i LOVE theater and the arts in general.

however, recently i feel like something in me changed. i made a friend last year and we sit on the bus together on the way to school. at first it felt like a typical friendship but i think somewhere in between then and now, I have started to develop feelings for her, especially after she came out to me.

for more context, we are more close than your typical friendship to the point where ppl think that we are dating and i always kind of make fun about how that wouldn't work out bc im straight...but my thing now is am i?

we text a lot and sometimes i feel frantic when i send a message and i don't get a response back, or when she sends me messages my heart skips a beat for a second. same with physical touch, like if she ever hugs me or touches my hands or shoulder, i can feel my heart pounding more. at one of the school dances, we ditched our friends and spent the whole night slow dancing and i don't think ill ever recover from how that made me feel. the two of us always used to ditch our friends during lunch, and sit and just talk together, listen to music, gossip, ect. we would tell eachother everything. for valentines day last year, even though we are just friends, she made me the sweetest homemade gift that i keep in my room. she even told me once she loved me...she clarified platonically afterwards bc she thinks im straight and we kinda joked about it afterwards. 

the thing is i thought all of that was a platonic, but this year, junior year stuff kinda changes.

we had kinda fallen out for two months, stopped texting, didnt sit together nothing. i felt like i couldnt hate her even though i should bc i think i was developing a crush. during that time i also heard from mutual friends that she got a girlfriend, and even though we werent friends, even though we werent talking, even though i was pretty sure at the time i was straight i felt so angry and jealous and even now i cant understand why.

fast forward, we started talking again yay! she apologized and we met up for food, and she had told me about this girlfriend and how they had broken up and again, i cant explain it but it made me happy to hear. even though it caused her grief for whatever reason it just made me feel better and i know thats so bad to say. we hang out a lot more and love is constantly something i express to her (like not that i love her but how i wish i was with someone)

i feel like this "crush" is getting worse as im constantly "stalking" her on social media, and listening to her spotify playlists on repeat. additionally im not even sure if im bisexual or not (whole other story) i cant even begin to tell ygs how many "am i bi" quizzes ive taken online... i guess what i wanna find out is what should i do? im not really out to anyone...am not even sure if i need to be out and i definitely dont wanna fuck up our friendship telling her i like her? i just feel so lost, and now at school i stare at her in the halls, and talk to her on the bus like a best friend should, but i want to be more...

im so sorry for the long story, its just i dont know what to do...and im not even sure if i am straight or not...i just need some guidance 

Hello!! I know you posted this a while ago but I thought I would give my opinion. I am not sure how much this helps but don't feel like you need to label your sexuality. I know that it's very popular and common and sometimes even comforting for some people, but sexuality is a lot more complex than just a simple label like 'bi." Of course, some people feel like having a label gives them a better sense of self but I just don't want you to feel like you have to fit into a box if that makes sense. 
Like I said before sexuality is a very complex thing and I can't exactly tell you if your love for her is romantic or not but maybe I can help you figure it out. I myself was in a similar situation but I would ask myself if I really liked her the same way I liked men or if I just loved her as a friend. I would go back and forth trying to imagine myself in romantic situations with her vs my male crush and it took me a while but I realized it wasn't the same. I have a special kind of love for her and only her but not the same romantic kind. It's hard to explain. I figured I could appreciate a woman's beauty and the thought of kissing a woman is not repelling but it's not the same as when it comes to men. It's more of a spectrum than anything and I am still not sure if I'm into women like that in general but I can tell that my love for her Is different. Maybe comparing how you feel with her vs others can help? I also don't think you need to figure it out now. Maybe you think you have feelings for her but really you are just exploring your sexuality or maybe you really do like her.
I am no expert just some person online sharing my opinion so please don't take what I say too seriously and I don't mean to offend you or anyone else on here. I know this is a sensitive topic for a lot of people just wanted to share my thoughts! I'm not sure if this helped at all but if you have any questions feel free to ask and I wish you the best of luck!