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Am I Asexual? Should I Risk Coming Out?


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My pronouns are she/her and I am a cisgender female. I currently call myself a panromantic asexual, but for a few years I thought I was pansexual, too. I don't really know- I was really sheltered when I was young, but I've never been attracted to people for what's in their pants- or attracted to people sexually at all, actually. But I know a lot of people who just tell me I haven't had sex with the right person yet, and I know that's obviously some kind of acephobia but I'm really not sure if I'm just scared of sex or if I'm actually asexual. Also, my family isn't very accepting of the LGBTQ+ community so I can't ask them. I get a lot of stress and anxiety from being in the closet, because I see my family really often and it bothers me that they would probably disown me or something if they knew I wasn't straight.

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Hi Inthispettypace,


Welcome to Community! Thank you so much for sharing this.


I think there is a lot of erasure in the asexual community due to ignorance around what it really means to be asexual. This is usually because it is not represented in mainstream media, so folks find it harder to understand and relate to. You are right by saying your friends were being acephobic when they said to you, I’m sure they didn’t mean to offend but it invalidates your identity. What is it about sex that scares you, if it does?


Although it has NO basis on whether or not you’re asexual - sometimes self-play can help you work out if you are sexually attracted to anyone. But honestly, there is no race to figure these things out and don’t let anyone else put pressure on you. If you feel panromantic asexual right now then you are. That could change but it also may remain the same and both are totally okay.


I’m sorry about your family not being that accepting. Obviously, your safety coming out is the most important thing to consider when coming out so if you feel like your family might take it badly then maybe hold off until you know you can be safe in doing so. Most people do have a positive or at least neutral experience coming out so your family may surprise you, you could try testing the waters by discussing LGBT issues with them and see how they react? Maybe at first, it would be best to just pick one person to come out to, someone that you know and trust who you think would take it well? It may help to alleviate some of the stress and anxiety felt by not being able to share your true self with the ones you love.


I’ve shared a few articles below I think you’d benefit from reading.




Hope some of this advice has helped!


- Remi

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