Disappointment

[amy2]

I used to use DTL a lot in the past for my body image issues and I just recently found it in my inbox so this is really cool and I love how the forums and everything have evolved. 

I want to generally vent about something that's been upsetting me a lot recently. So I'm not doing the best in school which is super out of character and I've been on like academic decline since the beginning of high school when shit started to get tough. And my mom's very affected by it. I'm in senior year now and we're looking into uni's (my uni's have a different set of rules or whatever as compared to normal like American uni's so take that as u will) and it's just already such an icky thing. Grades are not great, things aren't generally looking great for the future either. And my mom still has that kind of mindset of "My kid will be successful and take care of me" thing. Originally, her and my dad are planning to retire in my hometown but my mom's in-laws and the rest of my dad's side of the family have treated her horribly and she does not wanna live or be around them at all, especially in old age. So she's super like "you HAVE to do something with ur life and get me settled down somewhere far away from these people" and "you HAVE to be successful to show these relatives that they were wrong for what they did to me" and trust me, I really do wanna help my mom, I have an intense desire to do so. But I'm so lazy. 

I have SO MUCH want and need and desire to do great things and study and do well in life but I've been feeling so so shitty and haven't been able to do anything or keep up with anything. And she's cried about it a lot, and it hurts me so bad to see and hear. She'll get VERY upset sometimes and cry and say things like "What did I do to deserve daughters (my sibling is also not showing signs of ambition) like this?" or "My relatives were right" or "You're gonna grow up and just be a failure" and worse but I can't really translate it into English that well. 

I don't know how to turn this motivation into action. And it physically hurts me to see her hurt like this. We used to have a very bad relationship but it seemed to be getting better during high school, but she's still so disappointed in how I turned out. I guess I should've posted this on like a study habits related forum or something but I mainly just needed to vent. Cuz I know how to fix myself. I just haven't been able to apply it and I have no clue why. And I hate seeing my mom cry like this. The fact that she thinks I'm hopeless and have brought her nothing but sadness really impacts me. 

[Catsup]

On 11/28/2023 at 7:21 AM, amy2 said:

I used to use DTL a lot in the past for my body image issues and I just recently found it in my inbox so this is really cool and I love how the forums and everything have evolved. 

I want to generally vent about something that's been upsetting me a lot recently. So I'm not doing the best in school which is super out of character and I've been on like academic decline since the beginning of high school when shit started to get tough. And my mom's very affected by it. I'm in senior year now and we're looking into uni's (my uni's have a different set of rules or whatever as compared to normal like American uni's so take that as u will) and it's just already such an icky thing. Grades are not great, things aren't generally looking great for the future either. And my mom still has that kind of mindset of "My kid will be successful and take care of me" thing. Originally, her and my dad are planning to retire in my hometown but my mom's in-laws and the rest of my dad's side of the family have treated her horribly and she does not wanna live or be around them at all, especially in old age. So she's super like "you HAVE to do something with ur life and get me settled down somewhere far away from these people" and "you HAVE to be successful to show these relatives that they were wrong for what they did to me" and trust me, I really do wanna help my mom, I have an intense desire to do so. But I'm so lazy. 

I have SO MUCH want and need and desire to do great things and study and do well in life but I've been feeling so so shitty and haven't been able to do anything or keep up with anything. And she's cried about it a lot, and it hurts me so bad to see and hear. She'll get VERY upset sometimes and cry and say things like "What did I do to deserve daughters (my sibling is also not showing signs of ambition) like this?" or "My relatives were right" or "You're gonna grow up and just be a failure" and worse but I can't really translate it into English that well. 

I don't know how to turn this motivation into action. And it physically hurts me to see her hurt like this. We used to have a very bad relationship but it seemed to be getting better during high school, but she's still so disappointed in how I turned out. I guess I should've posted this on like a study habits related forum or something but I mainly just needed to vent. Cuz I know how to fix myself. I just haven't been able to apply it and I have no clue why. And I hate seeing my mom cry like this. The fact that she thinks I'm hopeless and have brought her nothing but sadness really impacts me. 

Hi @amy2! Thanks for sharing here, and I'm sorry that it sounds like you have a lot of pressure to perform in school.  You said your grades have been on the decline and you're applying to universities.  Can you tell me about what you future looks like right now?  Sometimes we imagine the worst, especially if other people like parents are reacting so strongly to any "failure".  But perhaps, there is a lot of negative thinking that isn't true?

It sounds like you really want to succeed and that you care a lot.  How is your mental health right now?  Sometimes struggling emotionally can make it really hard to be productive, but that doesn't mean you aren't a capable person.

Do you really believe that you have brought your mom nothing but sadness, and is this a conversation you might be able to have with her?  I'm not sure what kind of communication you are both able to have but sometimes hearing some reassurance can go a long way if it's possible.  Either way, you're definitely not a failure, and I don't believe you are at all lazy either!