I think I'm trans (FtM)

[josiahjones77642524]

So over the past few years I've been feeling gradually more and more depressed, anxious and suicidal, basically as if I had no hope. However, I didn't actually know why I felt like that (my life is good, whatever), and I seemed to be having some kind of identity crisis: I just didn't know who I was. Over the past few years I've been acting not girly, but gender conforming. So I've worn dresses if I had to go to a party, tight hi waist skinny jeans and crop tops and make up and jewelry, and I even bought a push-up bra. However, I'd been questioning my gender for a while already, telling my ex-girlfriend (long story) that I didn't always feel feminine, and labeling myself as gender fluid, even though that never felt right for me. I felt frustrated all the time, never knowing why, as if something was on the tip of my tongue.

 

On about December 28th 2018 (about a week ago), I came across a video on YouTube, Ryan Jacobs Flores' 1 year on T transformation video, and I was transfixed. I'm sheltered, and I'd never seen an actual trans person before, and (this sounds awful) but he actually looked and sounded male and I was shocked. All I'd been exposed to were characters (eg FtM trans), played or by a female actor or vice versa, and I'd never really thought of it as a possibility. It dragged up so many buried emotions I'd repressed and led me to question 'Am I transgender?'. I went crazy. I spend hours that day and the next researching, watching videos and reading articles, trying to find out as much information as possible. When I watched the channel of an actual gender therapist was shocked, it turned out I'd been repressing my gender identity for years, causing all these confusing suicidal thoughts. So I decided to test it. I was due a haircut, and on the 30th December I got my long hair cut to shoulder length (somehow). My parents have made it very clear that that is the shortest I'm allowed to go, or else I'll look 'butch' (sigh...). As I lost my hair, I didn't feel one tinge of regret. It felt like I was being carved out of marble. It's been a week and I feel more convinced than at the start that I'm trans, which is making me feel I actually could be. So here's my game plan:

 

Go back to school in 3 days and talk to my ex and some of my closest friends, see how I feel

Go to the PSHE lessons that start when we get back that focus on puberty, and see how it makes me feel

Start kickboxing finally (I'm so excited) because when I exercise is when I feel least dysphoric

See if I continue to feel not suicidal (ever since I realised it was possible to transition, I haven't felt suicidal, I normally do every day)

Buy more and more 'boys' clothes

Wear less makeup

Start wearing a compression sports bra to bind and see how I feel

See what my parents think of trans issues (test the waters)

 

It's almost like my general anxiety has disappeared, and just turned into targeted dysphoria. My appearance has always felt wrong and I've felt disconnected from my body for years. When I wear dresses I feel like a man (completely fine go rock that dress boi) and just really hate how I look in pictures. I now just really want a fully flat chest and a less tiny waist and a masculine haircut arghhh. I'm moving schools for Sixth Form (Junior Year) and if I find I am actually trans, I want to have socially transitioned by then so I can hopefully live stealth but who knows. Anyway I'm sorry this has been so long. I don't even know what the question I've asked is

[Willow]

Hi JosiahJones!

 

Wow, thank you for all that you've shared. Your journey is quite incredible!

 

Firstly, I want to say that I'm really happy that you aren't have thoughts of suicide anymore... that is fantastic!

 

It's so great that we have so much accessible to us on the internet, these days. You may not have been able to see a person who's fully transitioned, for a long time, if you hadn't seen the video.

 

A friend of mine, who is trans and has had hormone therapy, speaks of the story of them finding out they're trans in a very similar way to you. Before they had the epiphany that they're trans, they were very unhappy with life. They had serious thoughts about suicide, all because the way they were expressing themselves, and acting, did not match up with the way they would thrive. Once they considered the idea that they're trans, their livelihood went up from there.

 

That's the key, isn't it? Live in a way that helps you thrive.

 

I love that you cut your hair... you're starting to express yourself how YOU want to!

 

-- How has the game plan been going? It sounds like really great ways get in tune with your soul, and see what it needs.

 

Here are some ideas of how to reduce stress-- yoga and meditation (meditation can be done in many tasks-- even kickboxing!) are great ways to center yourself so that you can work through your anxieties of dysphoria:

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/101-ultimate-ways-chill-reduce-stress/

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/how-to-meditate/

 

Trans information is very diverse, so be patient with your parents.. I like how you want to test the waters so that you can begin to know their knowledge and comfort around talking about the subject. Have you spoken to them about 'gender queer' or 'gender non-conforming' expressions, before?

 

I think this is a great place where you can continue to share... would love to hear how this goes. We support you!

 

-willow

[Remi]

Hi JosiahJones,

 

I don't have much more to add to that awesome response from Willow!

 

I'm that sorry you have felt suicidal and depressed recently. I hear that you are feeling a lot better now but If you do have any feelings like that again, please make sure you seek help, follow this link for services in your area. ttps://www.ditchthelabel.org/community/forum/the-hub/27340-what-to-do-if-you-are-in-danger-or-are-feeling-suicidal Try to tell someone around you if you ever feel that way again. It can really help to know someone around you IRL understands what you are feeling.

 

Keep us posted on your awesome journey!

 

-Remi

Edited January 17, 2019 by Remi