self image ig

[ribboness]

Hey! I'm going to just go into it kinda bc Idk where else to start but I am 17 (F) and I've never been in a relationship and for the longest time I've been trying to figure out what the issue is. If it was me avoiding them or just it never working out. regardless of that fact, I've been trying to figure out for the longest time whether or not I'm ugly. I cant just ask anyone bc ik they'll all say I'm not. i know this may sound cruel but the truth is that some people are more attractive than others. the reason is the insanely high beauty standards and i know everyone wants to spare everyone's feelings but I just want to know the truth. I did some research and apparently more unattractive people view themselves as average while more attractive people view themselves as less attractive but not unattractive, I worded this all horribly but the point is that I thing i fall into the more unattractive side. Some days ill feel really attractive and other days i hate my face and cant stand looking in the mirror. what confuses me is that throughout middle school (i am currently in hs) I was unattractive but i refused to belive it. looking back i can be more honest with myself but it makesme wonder what i relly look like now. my guy bsf used to like me along with another one of my male friends. Another old friends of mine called me pretty. besides that, i haven't been told much about my appearance. I get complemented on my style but does that mean i just have good style but I'm ugy? I don't know. I guess this is more of a rant than a reach for help but I've just been so confused. i don't want anyone to be all "noo I'm sure ur pretty" bc in all honesty that means nothing to me. I am also sorry for spelling/ grammar I'm kinda rushing through this.

[Catsup]

On 10/17/2023 at 12:39 AM, ribboness said:

Hey! I'm going to just go into it kinda bc Idk where else to start but I am 17 (F) and I've never been in a relationship and for the longest time I've been trying to figure out what the issue is. If it was me avoiding them or just it never working out. regardless of that fact, I've been trying to figure out for the longest time whether or not I'm ugly. I cant just ask anyone bc ik they'll all say I'm not. i know this may sound cruel but the truth is that some people are more attractive than others. the reason is the insanely high beauty standards and i know everyone wants to spare everyone's feelings but I just want to know the truth. I did some research and apparently more unattractive people view themselves as average while more attractive people view themselves as less attractive but not unattractive, I worded this all horribly but the point is that I thing i fall into the more unattractive side. Some days ill feel really attractive and other days i hate my face and cant stand looking in the mirror. what confuses me is that throughout middle school (i am currently in hs) I was unattractive but i refused to belive it. looking back i can be more honest with myself but it makesme wonder what i relly look like now. my guy bsf used to like me along with another one of my male friends. Another old friends of mine called me pretty. besides that, i haven't been told much about my appearance. I get complemented on my style but does that mean i just have good style but I'm ugy? I don't know. I guess this is more of a rant than a reach for help but I've just been so confused. i don't want anyone to be all "noo I'm sure ur pretty" bc in all honesty that means nothing to me. I am also sorry for spelling/ grammar I'm kinda rushing through this.

Hi there, I'm Catsup, a support mentor here.  There definitely are standard views of beauty in society that not everyone falls neatly into.  You mentioned you haven't been in a relationship in the longest time, and I want to assure you that all sorts of people of different appearances do find relationships.  Since you mentioned you are 17, I wonder if perhaps you haven't found the right opportunities yet?  A lot of people don't date at your age yet, and I want to normalize that part if at all possible. 

Sometimes we are harder on ourselves than other people, including about our appearance.  Like you said, I can't really just say you're pretty, but I do think if you struggle with self-esteem at all, you can have a distorted view of yourself.  What do you think of building up your self-esteem?  Know too that there are so many good things about you besides appearance and you deserve to feel confident and good about yourself.  Hope this helps and look forward to hearing from you if you do want to share more!

[ribboness]

Hello! Thank you so much for taking the time to respond! I think I mis-explained but I have never been in a relationship and I know that not everyone dates at my age but almost everyone I know has either dated someone or at least had some sort of romance in my life. Even if it's not normalized, it seems normal to me. Maybe it really is the lack of the right opportunity. I think I do have a distorted image of myself but I can't tell if I'm uglier than I think I am or prettier. Sometimes ill dress nice and do my makeup and feel very pretty but some days I hate the way I look and feel so unattractive. Which one do I believe? Am I pretty or am I just used to my face? maybe I'm average? maybe parts of my face are ugly but I don't notice bc I see myself in the mirror every day. I just feel like I can't trust myself to make a judgment on my appearance and no one will tell me I'm ugly to my face either. I do get compliments sometimes but it's hard to believe them when I'm not feeling the same or when all I'm hearing are good things. When people tell me I look pretty do they really mean that or do they mean I actually put effort into getting dressed this morning? The majority of the time id say I'm feeling confident but sometimes I feel like my confidence is fake or that I'm being confident when I should be. I know that everyone deserves to feel confident but its so hard to when I'm constantly being compared to everyone around me. even if people don't outwardly compare me, it is something all people do. And when I do it to myself, I can't tell where I stand.

[Catsup]

7 hours ago, ribboness said:

Hello! Thank you so much for taking the time to respond! I think I mis-explained but I have never been in a relationship and I know that not everyone dates at my age but almost everyone I know has either dated someone or at least had some sort of romance in my life. Even if it's not normalized, it seems normal to me. Maybe it really is the lack of the right opportunity. I think I do have a distorted image of myself but I can't tell if I'm uglier than I think I am or prettier. Sometimes ill dress nice and do my makeup and feel very pretty but some days I hate the way I look and feel so unattractive. Which one do I believe? Am I pretty or am I just used to my face? maybe I'm average? maybe parts of my face are ugly but I don't notice bc I see myself in the mirror every day. I just feel like I can't trust myself to make a judgment on my appearance and no one will tell me I'm ugly to my face either. I do get compliments sometimes but it's hard to believe them when I'm not feeling the same or when all I'm hearing are good things. When people tell me I look pretty do they really mean that or do they mean I actually put effort into getting dressed this morning? The majority of the time id say I'm feeling confident but sometimes I feel like my confidence is fake or that I'm being confident when I should be. I know that everyone deserves to feel confident but its so hard to when I'm constantly being compared to everyone around me. even if people don't outwardly compare me, it is something all people do. And when I do it to myself, I can't tell where I stand.

Hi, I assume you are in high school?  I think it likely is a lack of opportunity to meet the people who you can date, and that after high school you will have more opportunities as an adult.  I totally get that other people your age have dated though, and that can be hard when you're comparing yourself to them.  Is it possible that you struggle with socializing or maybe that you are shy?  Sometimes people go unnoticed because they are more reserved.  Or sometimes there are people who are interested in you romantically but are too shy themselves to approach you.  There are a lot of possibilities and most of them don't have to do with appearance.

The people you see dating, do you think that they are all really pretty?  Somehow I doubt that everyone in your high school who has dated are the most conventionally "pretty".  What other factors do you think there are that are leading them to have relationships?

It's very common to have some days you feel more confident and other days you don't feel attractive at all.  I want to note that a lot of physical attractiveness is taking care of your health and your skin for example.  Ultimately, being healthy and confident are things that do attract good people to your life, and potential romantic partners.  So if you dress the way you like, and feel confident, it truly does make a difference in how others perceive you.

It's hard to comment on how attractive your face must be, but if you can't figure it out, I would suggest that you are probably not "ugly" by conventional standards.  Very few people who look different have it go unnoticed, since we are all generally hard on ourselves in some way.  If anything, you probably look better than you think.  Hope this makes sense, and let me know what you think!

[ribboness]

Hello! Thank you again for taking the time to respond :) I al in college so I don't think my issue is the lack of meeting people. I do think I can be shy at times but for the most part, people will start conversations with me and after that its easy to communicate with them. It could also be the shyness of others but I always see people approaching my friends asking them for their numbers and what not but its never me yk? And that's sort of what's leading me to think it might be my appearance. The only times I've ever been hit on were by guys already in a relationship or just creeps. the people I do see dating are for the most part relatively pretty and my best friend for example is gourgious s is always in a relationship or talking to someone. I know that beauty isn't the only reason/ way people get into relationships but it seems to be a leading factor. For example, I wouldn't date someone unless I were physically attracted to them along with other factors like personality. But the main one would be how attracted I am to them visually. The points you make, all make sense to me. I just don't know what to think of myself. People have told me I looked good but I just cant tell if they mean it or if they are just saying that because I look "better" than usually? And the fact they only guys in relationships have liked me/ flirted with me confuses me. I don't know if its been a coincidence or what but it just makes me feel worse about myself. Like I'm not good enough to date just someone to flirt with when they are upset at their girlfriends yk? idk if it all makes sense but that's just how I see things. 

[Catsup]

On 10/21/2023 at 11:52 PM, ribboness said:

Hello! Thank you again for taking the time to respond :) I al in college so I don't think my issue is the lack of meeting people. I do think I can be shy at times but for the most part, people will start conversations with me and after that its easy to communicate with them. It could also be the shyness of others but I always see people approaching my friends asking them for their numbers and what not but its never me yk? And that's sort of what's leading me to think it might be my appearance. The only times I've ever been hit on were by guys already in a relationship or just creeps. the people I do see dating are for the most part relatively pretty and my best friend for example is gourgious s is always in a relationship or talking to someone. I know that beauty isn't the only reason/ way people get into relationships but it seems to be a leading factor. For example, I wouldn't date someone unless I were physically attracted to them along with other factors like personality. But the main one would be how attracted I am to them visually. The points you make, all make sense to me. I just don't know what to think of myself. People have told me I looked good but I just cant tell if they mean it or if they are just saying that because I look "better" than usually? And the fact they only guys in relationships have liked me/ flirted with me confuses me. I don't know if its been a coincidence or what but it just makes me feel worse about myself. Like I'm not good enough to date just someone to flirt with when they are upset at their girlfriends yk? idk if it all makes sense but that's just how I see things. 

Hi, thanks for explaining this more.  :) That all makes sense, but I also want to say that how guys already in relationships act towards you is on them, and it doesn't have to do with you or your appearance.  If possible to see it as their problem rather than yours, you might find you won't feel as bad about the fact that they are the ones flirting with you.  Do you currently blame yourself a lot for how other people act towards you?  I ask because it's a really common problem, and it could be adding to your stress about your appearance, since you are monitoring a lot of interactions that indeed can be coincidences.

You said that you don't know how to view yourself, and I hope that you are able to see all the good things about you.  If it would help you to answer these questions, I wonder if it might give you the confidence you could benefit from right now: What are three good things about your personality that are more important than your appearance? What are three things you like about your appearance itself?

The tough thing about appearance is that it is subjective.  Some people are attracted to some things in people and not others, and then around all that are societal expectations.  It sounds like you worry about how "attractive" you are to mainstream society, when it can be a lot more complicated.  I hope this all makes sense, but basically there is no way to simply rate your appearance to every potential romantic partner.  The important part is to feel confident, healthy, and happy in your life and I believe that tends to attract the right attention at some point.  What are your thoughts?

[ribboness]

On 10/25/2023 at 6:45 AM, Catsup said:

Hi, thanks for explaining this more.  :) That all makes sense, but I also want to say that how guys already in relationships act towards you is on them, and it doesn't have to do with you or your appearance.  If possible to see it as their problem rather than yours, you might find you won't feel as bad about the fact that they are the ones flirting with you.  Do you currently blame yourself a lot for how other people act towards you?  I ask because it's a really common problem, and it could be adding to your stress about your appearance, since you are monitoring a lot of interactions that indeed can be coincidences.

You said that you don't know how to view yourself, and I hope that you are able to see all the good things about you.  If it would help you to answer these questions, I wonder if it might give you the confidence you could benefit from right now: What are three good things about your personality that are more important than your appearance? What are three things you like about your appearance itself?

The tough thing about appearance is that it is subjective.  Some people are attracted to some things in people and not others, and then around all that are societal expectations.  It sounds like you worry about how "attractive" you are to mainstream society, when it can be a lot more complicated.  I hope this all makes sense, but basically there is no way to simply rate your appearance to every potential romantic partner.  The important part is to feel confident, healthy, and happy in your life and I believe that tends to attract the right attention at some point.  What are your thoughts?

@Catsup Hello! Sorry, I thought I had responded lol. I know that how men in relationships act toward me is on them, but why is it when they are in a relationship? I know you won't have the answer but just to give an example, one of my friends from high school knew me before he dated his current girlfriend. He thought I was cute but when he told my friend, she said he wasn't my type. That was not the case but regardless that has never stopped him before, and yet this time it did.  He would still flirt every now and then but was I just not worth the risk or rejection? The same thing with another one of my friends who liked me before she dated another girl, who told my friend, she told him I wouldn't like him. He didn't give up at first but didn't tell me the truth until he broke up with his girlfriend, by which time I had lost feelings. Another example is a guy I met almost a year ago. He had a girlfriend at the time, and still does, but would always flirt with me, calling me pretty, and before our class together ended, he told me how much he was going to miss me. If he liked me so much by couldn't he leave the other girl for me? I'm not saying he should, but I just feel like I'm not worth making an effort for. I know its their problem for behave that way, but I cant help but see that something about me is stopping them from doing anything right of that makes sense. 

To answer your question, I do blame myself for how people act towards me, but only when I feel like I did something to make them last that way. If a person were o get mad at me for blocking a walkway, I wouldn't not blame myself because it was unintentional and they may just be upset. but when things like this happen over and over I just feel inclined to blame myself, because who else is there to blame? 

I think that the more I think of myself, the more I get confused. The other day I finished showering and doing my hair and skincare. I was only in front of the mirror for a span of 40 min, but in that time I lost track of how many times I went back and forth on my self-image. Id think I look good, the turn to grab something and hate my side profile, then look again but think its nit too bad, but focus on my nose and hate I again. Back and forth for an hour. So even of I entertain these questions you also about what I may like baoit myself, I know that can change in 10 min. Nonetheless, I will participate. I like my sense of style, and that I try to be kind to everyone no matter what. Three things I like about my looks are my hair when I take care of it, my eyes when I dont ave eyebags, and my stomach when I wake up sometimes. 

I know that each person has different types and what I fins attractive may not be what you find attractive, but there are soooo many people in this world. Why have one of them really tried to make an effort to date me. I know it sounds silly but that's just how I feel. I stopped making an effort on my end when every guy I talked to would reject me, but now I see no one is making any efforts either. And it bothers me so much that my best friend is ALWAYS in a relationship or has guys hitting on her, and shes so pretty so I'm not surprised. my other friend is always telling me abou guys that are flirting with her or talking w her. and its not like they are lying because sometimes it happens right in front of me. I was talking with her and she jokingly said that the reason I've been single is bc I cant hold a conversation with any guy, and I do think there is truth to that. I have been told I can be awkward but I dont know how to fix that, and I odn even think that's the main issue when guys dont even think I'm pretty in the first place lol.

this is just me ranting but there was this one guy online that went to my highschool. I liked one of his stories and he requested to follow me. Right when I accepted the follow request he unfollowed me. And its not like he just wanted me to follow him bc i was alr following him, he just thought I was ugly. I know I'm not overthinking this but things like hat just suck. and I don even think I'm that ugly, maybe not the pretiest ever but mid at the least. idk everything just sucks. That one guy that had a gf but was flirting with me and told me he would miss me told me that he didn't have his first kiss until he was 17. He is so hot so i was surprised. I hope i get my first kiss this year. I also wish he didn have a gf bc I fell in love with that man the minute he walked into our class and sat next to me. I never flirted with him this bc i knew i would feel bad if I did but i enjoed the attention and being called pretty when I didn't feel like it or when hed hug me for no reason or hide in the library watching movies just because. He told me I reminded him of his sister who was my age, he was 3 years older than me. but that's all.

[Catsup]

On 11/23/2023 at 12:09 AM, ribboness said:

@Catsup Hello! Sorry, I thought I had responded lol. I know that how men in relationships act toward me is on them, but why is it when they are in a relationship? I know you won't have the answer but just to give an example, one of my friends from high school knew me before he dated his current girlfriend. He thought I was cute but when he told my friend, she said he wasn't my type. That was not the case but regardless that has never stopped him before, and yet this time it did.  He would still flirt every now and then but was I just not worth the risk or rejection? The same thing with another one of my friends who liked me before she dated another girl, who told my friend, she told him I wouldn't like him. He didn't give up at first but didn't tell me the truth until he broke up with his girlfriend, by which time I had lost feelings. Another example is a guy I met almost a year ago. He had a girlfriend at the time, and still does, but would always flirt with me, calling me pretty, and before our class together ended, he told me how much he was going to miss me. If he liked me so much by couldn't he leave the other girl for me? I'm not saying he should, but I just feel like I'm not worth making an effort for. I know its their problem for behave that way, but I cant help but see that something about me is stopping them from doing anything right of that makes sense. 

To answer your question, I do blame myself for how people act towards me, but only when I feel like I did something to make them last that way. If a person were o get mad at me for blocking a walkway, I wouldn't not blame myself because it was unintentional and they may just be upset. but when things like this happen over and over I just feel inclined to blame myself, because who else is there to blame? 

I think that the more I think of myself, the more I get confused. The other day I finished showering and doing my hair and skincare. I was only in front of the mirror for a span of 40 min, but in that time I lost track of how many times I went back and forth on my self-image. Id think I look good, the turn to grab something and hate my side profile, then look again but think its nit too bad, but focus on my nose and hate I again. Back and forth for an hour. So even of I entertain these questions you also about what I may like baoit myself, I know that can change in 10 min. Nonetheless, I will participate. I like my sense of style, and that I try to be kind to everyone no matter what. Three things I like about my looks are my hair when I take care of it, my eyes when I dont ave eyebags, and my stomach when I wake up sometimes. 

I know that each person has different types and what I fins attractive may not be what you find attractive, but there are soooo many people in this world. Why have one of them really tried to make an effort to date me. I know it sounds silly but that's just how I feel. I stopped making an effort on my end when every guy I talked to would reject me, but now I see no one is making any efforts either. And it bothers me so much that my best friend is ALWAYS in a relationship or has guys hitting on her, and shes so pretty so I'm not surprised. my other friend is always telling me abou guys that are flirting with her or talking w her. and its not like they are lying because sometimes it happens right in front of me. I was talking with her and she jokingly said that the reason I've been single is bc I cant hold a conversation with any guy, and I do think there is truth to that. I have been told I can be awkward but I dont know how to fix that, and I odn even think that's the main issue when guys dont even think I'm pretty in the first place lol.

this is just me ranting but there was this one guy online that went to my highschool. I liked one of his stories and he requested to follow me. Right when I accepted the follow request he unfollowed me. And its not like he just wanted me to follow him bc i was alr following him, he just thought I was ugly. I know I'm not overthinking this but things like hat just suck. and I don even think I'm that ugly, maybe not the pretiest ever but mid at the least. idk everything just sucks. That one guy that had a gf but was flirting with me and told me he would miss me told me that he didn't have his first kiss until he was 17. He is so hot so i was surprised. I hope i get my first kiss this year. I also wish he didn have a gf bc I fell in love with that man the minute he walked into our class and sat next to me. I never flirted with him this bc i knew i would feel bad if I did but i enjoed the attention and being called pretty when I didn't feel like it or when hed hug me for no reason or hide in the library watching movies just because. He told me I reminded him of his sister who was my age, he was 3 years older than me. but that's all.

Hey, good to hear from you again! :)  I know what you mean about if things seem to happen in a pattern with other people, we might start looking at ourselves and why that could be happening.  I think that's a very self-aware way to go about things, and it can be a good thing to look for patterns in our interactions with others.  The thing about your situation though, is that I feel there is nothing either of us can realistically think of that would make only men in relationships want to be with you.  It might possibly be a theme in many women's lives, and I wonder if it might be explained by certain men not wanting to commit to a relationship.  Do you think this is a pattern with men rather than yourself?

You mentioned you feel awkward at times, and sometimes when someone is less out-going it can limit romantic partners who approach you.  This doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, it's just a reality for people who aren't considered social butterflies.  These are all my own speculations, but I truly feel this isn't a situation where you need to change anything about yourself.

As you noted, some moments are better than others in terms of body image.  This is very normal, and even the most confident people can have body image issues sometimes.  After all, appearance is very much valued in our society, and especially so for young women.  It can be a lot of pressure, and can get to us in the form of negative thoughts about our bodies.  I'm glad though that you were able to point out some things you like about your appearance.  I think that's an important thing to remember, and that confidence goes a very long way in how we carry ourselves and are perceived.  They say most of communication is non-verbal, meaning much of the time how you carry yourself is much more important than words.

It sounds like you have had some flirty situations with men and even if they are already in relationships, they clearly are experiencing some sort of attraction towards you.  I would say that would suggest people do find you attractive.  Would you agree with that logic?

If I were to give past "me" advice, it would be to not change a thing about myself if it's just to please other people!  What's some advice you might give yourself right now?

[ribboness]

14 hours ago, Catsup said:

Hey, good to hear from you again! :)  I know what you mean about if things seem to happen in a pattern with other people, we might start looking at ourselves and why that could be happening.  I think that's a very self-aware way to go about things, and it can be a good thing to look for patterns in our interactions with others.  The thing about your situation though, is that I feel there is nothing either of us can realistically think of that would make only men in relationships want to be with you.  It might possibly be a theme in many women's lives, and I wonder if it might be explained by certain men not wanting to commit to a relationship.  Do you think this is a pattern with men rather than yourself?

You mentioned you feel awkward at times, and sometimes when someone is less out-going it can limit romantic partners who approach you.  This doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, it's just a reality for people who aren't considered social butterflies.  These are all my own speculations, but I truly feel this isn't a situation where you need to change anything about yourself.

As you noted, some moments are better than others in terms of body image.  This is very normal, and even the most confident people can have body image issues sometimes.  After all, appearance is very much valued in our society, and especially so for young women.  It can be a lot of pressure, and can get to us in the form of negative thoughts about our bodies.  I'm glad though that you were able to point out some things you like about your appearance.  I think that's an important thing to remember, and that confidence goes a very long way in how we carry ourselves and are perceived.  They say most of communication is non-verbal, meaning much of the time how you carry yourself is much more important than words.

It sounds like you have had some flirty situations with men and even if they are already in relationships, they clearly are experiencing some sort of attraction towards you.  I would say that would suggest people do find you attractive.  Would you agree with that logic?

If I were to give past "me" advice, it would be to not change a thing about myself if it's just to please other people!  What's some advice you might give yourself right now?

Hello! I do think I can see how the pattern is more with men than myself but I still feel like I'm doing something wrong. How can it never go right? I have been alive for 17 years and even though middle school relationships may not count to some people, I have never even been given the opportunity. The longest I've talked with a guy who felt the same way about me was for few months, our conversations got dull so we stopped talking. But how can that be all. Id like to imagine that all these flirty scenarios may prove that I'm not ugly, but I cant help and think that maybe I'm just a girl who is easily amused and that seems fun to them. I say this because I had a crush on some guy in high school and he would flirt with me so much I was convinced he liked me back, I never told anyone how I felt abt him but even my friends thought he liked me. I asked one of his friends about it and it turns out that he is gay and like to flirt ith girls who react to his flirting as an ego boost. What if its like that with other guys. What if its nit about me being pretty but about them wanting a little ego boost when they are not confident in their relationships? If im being honest, I find it hard to imagine a guy acting genuinely romantic toward me. I just feel like there will always be someone prettier and better for them. and I know this sounds very "pick me" but its honestly how I feel sometimes. I was thinking about that one guy who called me pretty even though he was in a relationship. We can call him pete. while I would spend my time with pete a part of me hoped that he would break up with his girlfriend. maybe that was bc i wanted to feel less guilty about loving the attention he gave me, or maybe bc I had never gotten that type of attention before that I wanted it all to myself, or maybe i am selfish and wanted him. either way I know it makes me a bad person to want either one of those things, but that's how i felt. but i knew in reality, if he left her for me, still wouldn't date him, because he can go on dates with her and marry her some day and his family loves her. I could never go on dates with him because of how strict my parents are, i could never marry him for those same reasons, and his family would never know me. I know i wouldn't be better for him. and even when talking about any other guy, why would they pick me?

The only advice I could think of giving myself is unrelated, but it would be to not care so much about how other perceive you. 

[Catsup]

On 11/25/2023 at 12:26 AM, ribboness said:

Hello! I do think I can see how the pattern is more with men than myself but I still feel like I'm doing something wrong. How can it never go right? I have been alive for 17 years and even though middle school relationships may not count to some people, I have never even been given the opportunity. The longest I've talked with a guy who felt the same way about me was for few months, our conversations got dull so we stopped talking. But how can that be all. Id like to imagine that all these flirty scenarios may prove that I'm not ugly, but I cant help and think that maybe I'm just a girl who is easily amused and that seems fun to them. I say this because I had a crush on some guy in high school and he would flirt with me so much I was convinced he liked me back, I never told anyone how I felt abt him but even my friends thought he liked me. I asked one of his friends about it and it turns out that he is gay and like to flirt ith girls who react to his flirting as an ego boost. What if its like that with other guys. What if its nit about me being pretty but about them wanting a little ego boost when they are not confident in their relationships? If im being honest, I find it hard to imagine a guy acting genuinely romantic toward me. I just feel like there will always be someone prettier and better for them. and I know this sounds very "pick me" but its honestly how I feel sometimes. I was thinking about that one guy who called me pretty even though he was in a relationship. We can call him pete. while I would spend my time with pete a part of me hoped that he would break up with his girlfriend. maybe that was bc i wanted to feel less guilty about loving the attention he gave me, or maybe bc I had never gotten that type of attention before that I wanted it all to myself, or maybe i am selfish and wanted him. either way I know it makes me a bad person to want either one of those things, but that's how i felt. but i knew in reality, if he left her for me, still wouldn't date him, because he can go on dates with her and marry her some day and his family loves her. I could never go on dates with him because of how strict my parents are, i could never marry him for those same reasons, and his family would never know me. I know i wouldn't be better for him. and even when talking about any other guy, why would they pick me?

The only advice I could think of giving myself is unrelated, but it would be to not care so much about how other perceive you. 

Hi, I like the advice you gave for yourself at the end of all this: Not caring too much how others perceive you.  :) And I think it is relevant to what you're dealing with right now, since how men view you in terms of relationships seems pretty important to you right now.  We all need acceptance and validation in our lives, but there is also an important balance to that with knowing ourselves.  How much would you say you know yourself and your positive qualities, and would you like any help here with ideas of getting to know yourself better?

Different romantic interests in your life haven't made the leap to having a relationship with you, and I think that is something that naturally might make us wonder what could be going wrong.  The first thing that struck me when reading through your posts is how much you have been comparing yourself to the "successful" people who are already in relationships.   It's a really common thing for people to compare themselves to people who look like they have it figured out, but sometimes we ignore the rest of the picture, which includes very like-able people who haven't found themselves in romantic relationships yet.

There is nothing bad about you for wanting romantic attention in your life, and you sound like you're really aware of how this is all affecting you.  It's easy to feel like we're in a rush to get things sorted out in life, but I want to reassure you too, that there is always opportunity to focus on the present and treat each romantic situation that pops up as its own new one. 

It's much easier said than done, but I have found it helpful for myself before to view new phases of my life as new opportunities, where the past doesn't have to define what happens next, since those situations were different.  It's a bug transition leaving high school into adulthood and a lot changes during that time.  Do you believe your current life situation is different from the past, and might be a fresh start?

[ribboness]

On 11/29/2023 at 7:45 AM, Catsup said:

Hi, I like the advice you gave for yourself at the end of all this: Not caring too much how others perceive you.  :) And I think it is relevant to what you're dealing with right now, since how men view you in terms of relationships seems pretty important to you right now.  We all need acceptance and validation in our lives, but there is also an important balance to that with knowing ourselves.  How much would you say you know yourself and your positive qualities, and would you like any help here with ideas of getting to know yourself better?

Different romantic interests in your life haven't made the leap to having a relationship with you, and I think that is something that naturally might make us wonder what could be going wrong.  The first thing that struck me when reading through your posts is how much you have been comparing yourself to the "successful" people who are already in relationships.   It's a really common thing for people to compare themselves to people who look like they have it figured out, but sometimes we ignore the rest of the picture, which includes very like-able people who haven't found themselves in romantic relationships yet.

There is nothing bad about you for wanting romantic attention in your life, and you sound like you're really aware of how this is all affecting you.  It's easy to feel like we're in a rush to get things sorted out in life, but I want to reassure you too, that there is always opportunity to focus on the present and treat each romantic situation that pops up as its own new one. 

It's much easier said than done, but I have found it helpful for myself before to view new phases of my life as new opportunities, where the past doesn't have to define what happens next, since those situations were different.  It's a bug transition leaving high school into adulthood and a lot changes during that time.  Do you believe your current life situation is different from the past, and might be a fresh start?

Hello! I know it's been a while but tbh I am feeling a lot better about myself. I don't know why but recently I have been hearing from a lot of people that I am pretty. Whether it's compliments from total strangers or people I have classes with But it have definitely helped me feel more positive about myself. I most definitely am not the most confident person out there and I still get insecure at times but not as much as when I first came on here. I have also had my fair share of men hitting on me which is really nothing but a confidence boost. I still haven't gotten into any type of romantic situations besides pointless flirting but I think that's ok for now. It still sucks and I'm still impatient but it's not something I am killing myself over. I thnk its probably because this guy I like has given me some attention recently too. Not enough to convince me it'll go anywhere (we've only spoken once and most of the attention is him liking my stories when I post pics of myself" But other than that things have been better. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to all my little rants :) I sure will come back here if I am dealing with anything else but as for now I'm in a better place mentally! Again thank you so much @Catsup! :D

[Luie]

7 hours ago, ribboness said:

Hello! I know it's been a while but tbh I am feeling a lot better about myself. I don't know why but recently I have been hearing from a lot of people that I am pretty. Whether it's compliments from total strangers or people I have classes with But it have definitely helped me feel more positive about myself. I most definitely am not the most confident person out there and I still get insecure at times but not as much as when I first came on here. I have also had my fair share of men hitting on me which is really nothing but a confidence boost. I still haven't gotten into any type of romantic situations besides pointless flirting but I think that's ok for now. It still sucks and I'm still impatient but it's not something I am killing myself over. I thnk its probably because this guy I like has given me some attention recently too. Not enough to convince me it'll go anywhere (we've only spoken once and most of the attention is him liking my stories when I post pics of myself" But other than that things have been better. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to all my little rants :) I sure will come back here if I am dealing with anything else but as for now I'm in a better place mentally! Again thank you so much @Catsup! :D

Heyy @ribboness, hope you're well! Glad to hear that you're feeling better about yourself now. Just wanted to inform you that Catsup has left DTL, however, the rest of the support mentors are still present (like myself, Hi! It's Luie btw) if you need to speak about this or anything else at all, here for you.