Who should I choose?

[tacocat]

Hello!  Hope your day is going well!

i’m going to just start…

So, I have a bit of a conflict going on right now between friends.  I have been in a group of friends for 3 years now, and it started with 4 of us (we added a fifth later the first year, I’ll talk more about this later). We have been pretty tight, so much that we’ve been given a nickname.  We are all good kids that do well in school and are in lots of extra carriculars (pardon my spelling).  I enjoy hanging out with them, and we get along well.  However, recently I’ve become closer with another girl at our school, who is more of a social outcast.  She also has really good grades, and is in a lot of the same clubs as us.  In the past, she’s not been the nicest, but that was like 2nd grade (basically my new friend tried to hang out with one of my friend group friends, and another friend of mine who is holding a grudge got mad and thought she was stealing her… normal 2nd grade drama)  But apparently one of my friends still holds a grudge though.  I know my new friend the best, and invited her to my bday party last year.  She’s been friends with 2 of my other fav five friends, so it’s not like they have never met her.  She has had some troubles with other friends recently, so she’s been hanging out with us more.  My friend group being the kind of people we are, I expected them to welcome her with open arms and kindness, but they seem to have walled themselves off from anyone else.  I’ve made it clear that

A. One of them wasn’t an original member, she only was friends with us because I met her through clubs (same as the new girl)

B. She doesn’t have to be the 6th group member.  She can just hang with us when we are there

C.  She changed from past years.  She’s bettering herself for me and the rest of us

D. She’s really similar to us, and is a good person

but despite all these, they refuse to even try to have fun with her.  And they’ve been lying to me.

Recently, my new friend asked if we could all go trick or treating together.  I said I had plans with the others, but I’d ask if she could come.  She told me she wouldn’t feel bad if they said no, and she fully understood cause she’s the outsider.  I said there was no harm in asking, right?

I was wrong…

I asked each of my friends individually to start, just to get their honest opinions without any of the others influencing them.  I talked to two of them who said absolutely, and that it’s silly to say no, and the other two said they were unsure and wanted to discuss as a group.  However, with sports and clubs, we didn’t find the time to talk until a few weeks later, when we had a half day.  I went to the middle school with my new friend to present a project, and the others hung out at the high school together.  After the presentation, I learned I got a call from my friends.  When I called them back, no one replied, so I thought they went home.  I rode the bus home and sat down to relax.  A half hour later, I get a call from them.  They hung out at the park without me that day and chose to decide without me whether to invite my new friend.  They told me that they had decided to not invite her because she ‘makes them uncomfortable cause they don’t know her’ and because one of them was sick over Halloween last year she wants to ‘have a group Halloween to make up for it’.  I had to go, so I just said ok and hung up.  But I really wanted to be like

1. why did everyone lie to me about their true feelings?  I get that Im friends with her, and I sometimes am a little intimidating, but they completely mislead me

2. why couldn’t they have called me while they were deciding?  Even if it didn’t change their decision, it would have at least made me understand and feel like I had a say

3. why is Halloween so important that we can’t hang out with someone else?  It’s not a birthday party.  We see others all the time on Halloween anyway!

I ended up telling my new friend on a phone call, because I wanted her to hear their reasons why.  I feel really bad, even though she said she understands.  Now she’s stuck babysitting her sister on Halloween.

I would go trick or treating with her, but I already made plans with my friend group and I have my group costume.  And my friends will be crushed if I bail.

But I also feel that they are overreacting and should try to get to know my friend.  Their excuse for everything is ‘they don’t know her’, but they never will know her if they don’t try.  I talked alone with one of them about everything (I trust her the most to be honest, she even admitted that one of my friends lied to make me feel like they wanted her to come) and she agreed that we need to leave a discussion on lying and being inclusive to people who aren’t us. 

im just really annoyed with all of them because I thought they were better than this, but I can also see where they are coming from.  I just don’t know who I should choose, my group friends who have been loyal for years, or my new friend who needs support and is acting a lot nicer then some of my old friends right now?

thanks for reading this, I know it’s a ton and I appreciate your help and support! :)

[jazzy.sky]

Hey there Tacocat!

First off, welcome to DTL!

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time with your friend group, they sounded like a loyal group and the way they have been reacting towards your new friend isn't aligning with how they would usually behave. I can understand they might be reserved around her as they don't quite know her just yet but to socially isolate the both of you doesn't sound like a healthy response. If I were you, I would keep your new friend close because like you mentioned, she is going through her own things and is in need of support.

You sound like a lovely friend and I'm sure she will be very appreciative to have someone like you close to her. As for your friend group, take a break from them until they process the situation in their own time and come to a conclusion, if they are truly good friends, they would welcome you back and make an effort to get to know your new friend. If not, that is ultimately their loss as they would be short of two wonderful people.

I hope that your friends find a balance and can work this out soon and that everything goes well.

Have a lovely rest of your day and be sure to keep us updated on how it all goes! Sending a warm hug :D

 

[Luie]

Heyy @tacocat, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. I'm really glad you reached out to talk about what's been going on with your friends. It sounds like you're dealing with a challenging situation, and it's perfectly normal to feel conflicted. I'm here to listen and offer support, so don't worry about the length of your message.

First of all, it's great to hear that you care about both your long-time group of friends and your new friend. It's clear you have a big heart and want the best for everyone involved. I hear you, it's tough when your friends seem to be shutting out someone new, especially when you believe that she's genuinely trying to change and get along. It's understandable that you feel frustrated and hurt by the fact that your friends didn't communicate their true feelings earlier and decided without you. You have every right to want to understand why they feel this way.

It's a positive step that you're considering having a discussion with your friends about being more inclusive. It's important to remember that people can change and grow, and your friends might eventually come around if they give your new friend a chance. It's great that you have a friend you trust to talk to about this. Together, you can work on improving the situation. How are you thinking of going about it?

It's clear you have loyalty to your long-time friends, but it's also wonderful that you want to support your new friend. In the end, it's important to remember that you can't control the actions of others. You've already been honest and made efforts to include your new friend, which is admirable.

Ultimately, the decision you make should prioritize your own happiness and values. I think you shouldn't feel pressured to choose one group over the other. You can continue to be friends with both groups, even if they don't all get along right now. It might take time for things to improve, and it's okay to stand by your values of inclusivity and understanding. What do you think?

Remember that you're a caring and empathetic person, and your friends are lucky to have you. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Continue to be there for your new friend, support your current friends as they navigate their feelings, and give it some time. Hopefully, as they see your example, they'll become more open to including your new friend. How does this sound to you?

 

[tacocat]

 

Sorry for such a late reply!

Thanks to both of you for replying!  To answer your questions:

So far, I’ve spoken to my friends about them lying to me.  I explained that I didn’t want them to lie to me because they think it will make me feel better, because I would rather know their true feelings because I care as well.  They all took this well and have been telling me how they feel about my new friend.

Since they started telling me the truth, I’ve realized what one of the problems is: my old friends think that my new friend is mean and doesn’t want to hang out with them, so they don’t want to hang out with her.  But my new friend knows my old friends don’t want to hang out with her, so she tries to stay away from them.  I’ve tried telling all of them that they feel the same way, but they don’t seem to understand. 
 

Another problem has arisen though, and it’s birthday parties.  Two of my old friends just had birthdays, a week apart, and my new friend wasn’t invited to either.  My old friends are so ignorant that they didn’t realize that my new friend was right there when they were talking about the parties, and my new friend then called me aside and asked if these were parties she wasn’t invited to.  I felt awful, but I told her the truth and explained that I had no control over their decision.  She said she understood and didn’t feel bad, but I can tell she’s really hurt, considering one of the friends with a bday has been friends with my new friend for longer than me!  My old friends later asked me why my new friend and me were talking, and I explained the situation.  They all immediately went that it was “none of her business” to ask and that she was very rude.  I feel like that’s a huge overreaction because they were talking about it in front of her, but it might just be me…

the only hope right now is that my new friend has decided that if they don’t want her at their parties, she won’t invite them to hers, which I feel like makes sense.  She says me and a couple of friends from a different school will be at her bday, and it sounds really fun!

For now, I think I’m going to wait it out.  I will definitely invite all of them to my birthday party this year, just like last year.  I had hope at my last bday, considering they all got along great.  Idk if it’s just that we are getting older or what changed over the summer, but maybe it’ll change later in the year.  I’m just going to keep encouraging my friends to all talk to each other and be inclusive to all, even if they seem different.  Does that sound ok?

 

[jazzy.sky]

7 hours ago, tacocat said:

Sorry for such a late reply!

Thanks to both of you for replying!  To answer your questions:

So far, I’ve spoken to my friends about them lying to me.  I explained that I didn’t want them to lie to me because they think it will make me feel better, because I would rather know their true feelings because I care as well.  They all took this well and have been telling me how they feel about my new friend.

Since they started telling me the truth, I’ve realized what one of the problems is: my old friends think that my new friend is mean and doesn’t want to hang out with them, so they don’t want to hang out with her.  But my new friend knows my old friends don’t want to hang out with her, so she tries to stay away from them.  I’ve tried telling all of them that they feel the same way, but they don’t seem to understand. 
 

Another problem has arisen though, and it’s birthday parties.  Two of my old friends just had birthdays, a week apart, and my new friend wasn’t invited to either.  My old friends are so ignorant that they didn’t realize that my new friend was right there when they were talking about the parties, and my new friend then called me aside and asked if these were parties she wasn’t invited to.  I felt awful, but I told her the truth and explained that I had no control over their decision.  She said she understood and didn’t feel bad, but I can tell she’s really hurt, considering one of the friends with a bday has been friends with my new friend for longer than me!  My old friends later asked me why my new friend and me were talking, and I explained the situation.  They all immediately went that it was “none of her business” to ask and that she was very rude.  I feel like that’s a huge overreaction because they were talking about it in front of her, but it might just be me…

the only hope right now is that my new friend has decided that if they don’t want her at their parties, she won’t invite them to hers, which I feel like makes sense.  She says me and a couple of friends from a different school will be at her bday, and it sounds really fun!

For now, I think I’m going to wait it out.  I will definitely invite all of them to my birthday party this year, just like last year.  I had hope at my last bday, considering they all got along great.  Idk if it’s just that we are getting older or what changed over the summer, but maybe it’ll change later in the year.  I’m just going to keep encouraging my friends to all talk to each other and be inclusive to all, even if they seem different.  Does that sound ok?

Proud of you Tacocat! Also, thanks for the updates!

You have done the right thing by being open and honest with your friends and asking that they do the same 

I hope that you have loads of fun at the birthday parties and that your friends give your new friend a chance 

It was quite rude of them to talk about birthday parties infront her especially since she isn't invited to either of them but im sure that at her party she will be surrounded by her true friends and all of you have a lovely time together

And I think your plan is a great one of encouraging everyone to talk and to try to keep everyone close and importantly to be inclusive as I'm sure that will mean people who usually are left by themselves for being different will have a true friend by their side :D

Never forget, you are a super sweet and understanding friend which is hard to come by, keep up the great work! If you have any more updates  be sure to let us know! 

 

[Luie]

On 10/25/2023 at 3:04 AM, tacocat said:

Sorry for such a late reply!

Thanks to both of you for replying!  To answer your questions:

So far, I’ve spoken to my friends about them lying to me.  I explained that I didn’t want them to lie to me because they think it will make me feel better, because I would rather know their true feelings because I care as well.  They all took this well and have been telling me how they feel about my new friend.

Since they started telling me the truth, I’ve realized what one of the problems is: my old friends think that my new friend is mean and doesn’t want to hang out with them, so they don’t want to hang out with her.  But my new friend knows my old friends don’t want to hang out with her, so she tries to stay away from them.  I’ve tried telling all of them that they feel the same way, but they don’t seem to understand. 
 

Another problem has arisen though, and it’s birthday parties.  Two of my old friends just had birthdays, a week apart, and my new friend wasn’t invited to either.  My old friends are so ignorant that they didn’t realize that my new friend was right there when they were talking about the parties, and my new friend then called me aside and asked if these were parties she wasn’t invited to.  I felt awful, but I told her the truth and explained that I had no control over their decision.  She said she understood and didn’t feel bad, but I can tell she’s really hurt, considering one of the friends with a bday has been friends with my new friend for longer than me!  My old friends later asked me why my new friend and me were talking, and I explained the situation.  They all immediately went that it was “none of her business” to ask and that she was very rude.  I feel like that’s a huge overreaction because they were talking about it in front of her, but it might just be me…

the only hope right now is that my new friend has decided that if they don’t want her at their parties, she won’t invite them to hers, which I feel like makes sense.  She says me and a couple of friends from a different school will be at her bday, and it sounds really fun!

For now, I think I’m going to wait it out.  I will definitely invite all of them to my birthday party this year, just like last year.  I had hope at my last bday, considering they all got along great.  Idk if it’s just that we are getting older or what changed over the summer, but maybe it’ll change later in the year.  I’m just going to keep encouraging my friends to all talk to each other and be inclusive to all, even if they seem different.  Does that sound ok?

 

Heyy @tacocat, it's good to hear that you've been having open and honest conversations with your friends. Communication is a big step in resolving conflicts and misunderstandings. It's clear that you care about both your old and new friends, and that's really important. As @jazzy.sky said, hope you're proud of yourself because it takes a lot of courage to bring up uncomfortable topics. 

It seems like the root of the problem is a misunderstanding between your old and new friends. They may have misjudged each other's intentions, and that's causing some tension. You're right to try and bridge that gap by explaining that they have similar feelings about the situation. Sometimes, people just need a little time and patience to truly understand one another.

Regarding the issue with the birthday parties, it's unfortunate that your old friends didn't realize your new friend was there when they discussed them. It's understandable that your new friend might feel hurt by not being invited, especially if she's been friends with one of them for a long time. You handled the situation well by being honest with her. As for your old friends' reaction, it's possible they were caught off guard, but it's important for them to realize that these feelings matter and should be discussed openly. What do you think?

It's great to hear that your new friend is planning her own birthday party and that you're included. That sounds like it will be a fun time for you and your friends from a different school. Your approach of waiting it out and continuing to encourage your friends to talk and be inclusive is a positive one. As you said, people change, and friendships can evolve. Keeping the lines of communication open is key to resolving these issues over time. 

It sounds to me like you're handling this challenging situation with a lot of maturity and empathy. Kudos to you for that.