Opposite of a fairy tale

[Captain]

Once upon a time a boy was born. He was not overly large by weight but the day he was born all the other infants were smaller so his father heard the nurses joking among themselves where did that cow come from. That boy would hear this story whenever his parents were asked about his birth.

when the boy was 6 a neighbor started to sexually abuse him he wasn’t threatened with physical harm for talking. Instead he was convinced to keep it a secret so his abuser wouldn’t get in trouble. This lasted for three years with young boy accepting the abuse because his abuser gave the boy a plCe to be where he wasn’t alone or being bullied. The boy was never rescued. He never learned to fight back. His abuser just lost interest in him.

The boy continued to be bullied for being fat, smart, and generally weird. He’d be punched in the stomach jumped on from trees but he’d been taught to never fight people smaller than him and he learned the lesson too literally. So it didn’t matter how many people held him down he would take the hits, the kicks, and all the horrible words.

Eventually the boy got to Jr high. He was lonely he had no lasting friendships and was committed to trying change things. He decided he would try going to a dance. He dressed in his nicest clothes tried to figure out how to dance and confronting his fears, trying to believe he could change things he went to that dance. He was uncomfortable but wanted to fit in so he started dancing and started to enjoy the music at least when a “popular� classmate grabbed his arm and in the middle of a song told him “get out of here. You’re fat, ugly and weird; nobody likes you.� He couldn’t argue so he left only to be punched in the stomach by a grade school bully as a parting gift.

the boy was sad and lonely. Eventually he got to high school. He decided this would be a new fresh start and eventually asked a girl on his first date. It went poorly. He didn’t know the girl he asked out was dealing with rumors about her being “easy� he didn’t realize the level of sexual overtones in the movie he took her to. All he knew was that she was having a miserable time that got stretched out for several more hours when the ride he’d arranged was hours late to pick them up.

years later he decided to try again. He took a new approach to dating he tried to be less emotionally invested to approach relationships more openly. He was empathetic and young women enjoyed hanging out with him. But they were not interested in him romantically. Despite not being attracted to men some people assumed he was gay since he didn’t have a girlfriend despite being friends with so many girls.

Eventually he he went on a date with a girl who had not boxed him into the unattractive box. That night he was given his first romantic kiss. He was elated, he finally felt validated as a person who could be attractive. But within less than 24 hrs he was told by the girl she didn’t want to see him again; she explained her friends thought he was too weird. He was hurt but not as deeply as when he found out she had told people she didn’t kiss him but he’d kissed her. This filled the boy with fear despite clearly remembering her kissing him he was filled with terror that he could be a predator he would from that point forward be haunted by the idea he could turn into the same type of person who had abused him all those years earlier. That he wasn’t just ugly, or unattractive. He was a monster and that’s why he was so unattractive.

in college he managed to date and had a few girlfriends. The relationships ended with some iteration of the phrase “Inthink you’re great; you’everythimg I could want I just don’t find you attractive, I want to be with someone else.�

eventually he he married a woman who didn’t care about his looks. She valued his intellect and kindness. But she still didn’t find him attractive. She wanted to be married to a stable and trustworthy man. She was a good person but she was selfish. She couldn’t support him emotionally so he became increasingly depressed. He still bore the burden of associating “acceptance� with physical touch. Whenever he tried to discuss it with his wife she would be hurt and accuse him of being too demanding, which fed his fear of being a monster. Years would pass without sex. He couldn’t bring himself to initiate because it made him feel predatory, if she initiated he would always comply without question even when he felt uncomfortable or used. His depression and sense of isolation grew he couldn’t share what he was experiencing because he was either embarrassed or afraid he was expecting too much.

Eventually he met a friend who made him feel attractive and valued enough he shared his childhood experience with her. She had also been abused and their relationship turned romantic but she also convinced him to seek professional help.

eventually the friend rejected the man as well. Like the others before her she informed him despite all the things she loved about him she found another man more physically attractive.

after years of therapy the man committed to getting a divorce. He moved out and his wife simply stopped speaking with him.she was fine with pretending a marriage was fine but once that facade was removed she had no interest in acknowledging the last 20 years.

so here I am now. I was just told by my current girlfriend she too thinks I’m wonderful. Noted how I am kind, and thoughtful, generous and intelligent. Everything she could want in a relationship but I’m just not physically attractive and she wants to sleep with someone else.

It seems like contrary to the fairy tales it really doesn’t matter how beautiful you are on the inside, how kind or giving you are. If you’re ugly enough you still don’t deserve to be loved.

[Blondie]

Hello Captain,

 

Thanks so much for sharing, it must have been a lot for you to open up like this and we really appreciate it and you!

 

Please know, it’s never too late to report historical abuse, or seek help for early trauma and I would encourage you to go and speak to a health professional about some of the things you have discussed as it sounds like bullying, abuse and having people around you that put you down has had a really negative effect on your self-esteem.

 

I would also encourage you, as you have done here to open up to trusted family or friends in your life about how you feel. This could help lessen your feeling of isolation. Please know you are not alone in this and there are a lot of folks out there who do not feel worthy or have felt unappreciated in their relationships.

 

Beauty is a construct and as cringey as it sounds it *does* exist in the eye of the beholder. The people that you have been with can’t be the right people or they would recognise your beauty both inside and out. Maybe your current relationship isn’t quite right if she isn’t attracted to you. You could always share with her how this information has made you feel.

 

I found these two articles and I hope that they also help.

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/top-10-tips-of-overcoming-low-self-esteem/

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/10-signs-healthy-relationship/

 

Let us know if we can support you with anything else Captain