She said she was my friend

[StringCheese]

This is a long story, so please bear with me and I would appreciate any and all help!

I have a "friend," who I will reference just as K to avoid confusion. For background, I am in my early 20s, newly married, and K is quite a bit older than me, as in 20+ years older, so I'm not sure why she came to me. K is going through a divorce. She came to me for comfort after her husband left her. I felt bad for her, so I helped her through the first of the divorce, which was hard for her. They had 3 kids together. At first she seemed like a good friend, and I have always gotten along better with people that are older than me, so I didn't think twice about this. People ask me for advice all the time, but I'm not sure why, but to me this was no different. I've given her money, dishes and clothes, I've given her kids money and toys, even when I didn't really have the money to spare because I felt bad for her.

This "friendship" has been going on for about 8 months now. K assumes we are on the best friends basis, but we are not. She has always told me how everyone leaves her and how nobody ever believes her, and I'm beginning to see why. Lately her other friends have been leaving her one by one, and she always comes crying to me whenever they do. At first I thought it was her other friends being jerks, but lately I've been finding out why they keep leaving. K is a HUGE drama queen. She is always right, and if something bad happens it's always someone else's fault. She has lied to my face about things, but I have a Facebook account, and I have caught her in her lies. When I confronted her, she told me her account must have been hacked because she's not logged into Facebook in a long time. After this she deleted her account. Seems fishy, huh? Instead she figured out how to log into another one of her friends accounts, and she has been stalking her ex through the friends Facebook account.

I also have the displeasure of having K as my coworker. She has been telling my boss lies about me. My boss owns the business, but I am office manager. Nothing is supposed to go to my boss before it goes through me, but she thinks she's above that and will go to my boss saying I have already approved these papers when I never looked at them in the first place. She also wants me to cover her work for her because she "forgot how to do it over the weekend" and gets angry when I won't do it because "you're supposed to be my friend and help me." She will brings her kids to the office and leave them to themselves ALL DAY when she knows that my boss won't be around. To make matters worse, all three of her kids have some sort or another of a mental disability. I understand that some days they really need to be with her, but bringing them to work is not the right thing to do. I told her this and she got angry with me and told me that I was being biased against her children and that I care about other people's children more than hers. But why do you leave emotionally unstable children to themselves in an office all day and expect them to behave themselves and have other people watch them?

The worst part about this is she figured out where I live and she brought her kids over "to play with the dog." My dog is not kid-friendly, and I told her before, but she ignored me. Instead she left her kids unsupervised in my house with my pit bull and dragged me outside to tell me all the things she's seen her ex doing on Facebook. I really really want to just tell her to her face what kind of person she is and it's no wonder all her friends leave her, but she is such a gossip that I'm almost afraid to do so. She has went around spreading rumors on all the other friends that left her behind, but nobody sees the person that she really is and believes her. I see a pathological liar who lives for drama and she's always right and everyone else is always wrong, but everyone else sees an innocent single mother that's going through a hard time. I almost want to say that I can't blame her husband for leaving her. I really don't see how he put up with that behavior for so many years.

Sorry for the long story, but I want to end the friendship immediately, but I'm afraid of what she'll make my reputation if I do, but I don't want to wait and let the friendship die on it's own because I think that would take a long time because I see her at work every day and she's constantly texting me after hours and on weekends. And she keeps texting whether I reply or not. I changed my number but now she's messaging me on Facebook as her other friend. What can I do? Should I try to get my boss to move her to a different office or something? Should I block her altogether on social media? I'm just not sure what to do so any help is appreciated!! Thank you for listening!

[Blondie]

Hello String-Cheese,

 

Thanks for giving us such a detailed account of what you are going through.

 

From what you have said you have done a lot for this woman and are not getting much back in return. Friendships are really a two way street and you have to feel as though the other person is caring and supportive of you as well.

 

This woman seems to be going through a lot and it sounds like she may need to seek professional help. A divorce and the breakdown of many of her friendships are all indicators of problems in her life reaching a critical level. This may be why she has built an unhealthy attachment to you. I have had friendships that felt really draining too and in the long run I am happy I ended them to protect myself.

 

I understand how you feel nervous about breaking off the friendship especially as you work together and are worried about what she may say about you - it is a tough decision but as you have already decided to end the friendship, you should carry on. Tell her that you don’t feel the friendship is very healthy for you or supportive and you could mention that you hope it won’t ruin your working relationship. You could gently suggest she visit her doctor who will be able to refer her to counselling services so she can get the right support to move forward. I would also speak to someone in HR in advance if you are worried about her saying things about you.

 

I’ve attached a few articles I think might help. Let us know how it goes.

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/are-they-really-your-friend-15-signs-that-suggest-otherwise/

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/really-friend-quiz/

[StringCheese]

Thank you for your advice. Actually her doctor recently got her into mental therapy because of what's been going on in her life. I tried to gently tell her that if she wanted to continue being friends, I couldn't be the only one giving to the relationship. She agreed with me at the time, and things went well, but now she is spreading rumors about me. She found out my husband's phone number from a mutual friend and has been texting and calling him to tell him about things that I never did or said. She has done this with a few other couples before and now those couples are divorced. I'm trying to get my husband to block her number but then she will message him over social media platforms. This is getting out of hand very quickly and I'm not sure what to do. It's like she's snapped. I want to be polite to her because she's still going through her divorce and she apparently has some issues but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to be very stern to the point of being brutal with her for her to stop what she's doing. What should I do?

[Remi]

Hi String Cheese,

 

I’m sorry the situation has escalated and that she is now contacting your husband. My advice would be for your husband to block her on all social media channels and yourself. I think retaliating in any way will certainly add fuel to the fire. You say this woman is beginning therapy, hopefully having someone to speak to and work on her issues with her will mean she doesn’t focus on you or your family anymore.

 

If you do decide to talk to her in the future, I recommend you read this article on conflict resolution - particularly around assessing the risk of the situation before entering into it. Making sure you have thought out what you are going to say, so you don’t let your anger or your emotion at the situation lead you. This woman is clearly hurting and therefore if you shout at her, or accuse - she will likely go into ‘shut down’ and not absorb anything that you are saying. Her behaviour is misplaced and therefore to minimise harm - I would suggest either stopping her from contacting your family, or considering a calm, empathetic resolution. Although, this may need to occur a few weeks down the line judging by her current mental state. How are you holding up through all of this? It must be very emotionally draining for you.

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/speak-...ct-resolution/

 

-Remi

Edited February 4, 2019 by Remi