how am i supposed to get over HIS ex?

[3k4lb]

i've been with my boyfriend for like 4 months now and a month ago we had a huge argument about him liking his ex's instagram post. i know it's a stupid thing to get upset over but it made me upset, so i brought it up with him. he lied about his relationship with her. he told me they're just friends and that's why he liked the post, but i found out that they ended on not so good terms and aren't friends. so, that was just an excuse. he told me they broke up in january and it was so long ago so i shouldn't worry about him having feelings for her. but he decided to not tell me about the fact that they only stopped talking a month before he started talking to me. 

anyway, we argued for like a week but in the end, we sorted things out, he apologised and blocked her on everything. things were fine. 

until like three days ago when i suddenly started stressing and crying over everything again. i keep crying every ten minutes because i keep thinking of her. when she's on my mind, i feel sick to my stomach, like genuinely sick. i haven't eaten a full meal in three days because i feel so sick. i feel like he still likes her or misses her in some way, i'm scared he'll never like me as much as he liked her. i feel so insecure about our relationship and about myself. his ex is so pretty. she's his type. she's skinny and white and a redhead with green eyes and i am none of those things. i feel so sick and insecure and bad and i can't stop crying. 

when i bring it up with him, he reassures me but it never makes me feel better. i feel like i'm going insane and crazy, i feel like a horrible girlfriend and like i'm ruining our relationship because i can't get over his ex. i don't know what to do. it's not like he can make me feel better. he's apologised, blocked her on everything. he's never going to speak to her again but i still feel inferior to her. i feel like i'm nothing to him compared to her. 

so, does anyone have any advice? has anyone else been in a situation like this, where they're sort of obsessing over their partner's ex? i'm struggling and i dont know what to do or how our relationship is supposed to move forward because i'm so stuck on this. i don't know how to get over his ex. 

[Aurora]

14 hours ago, 3k4lb said:

i've been with my boyfriend for like 4 months now and a month ago we had a huge argument about him liking his ex's instagram post. i know it's a stupid thing to get upset over but it made me upset, so i brought it up with him. he lied about his relationship with her. he told me they're just friends and that's why he liked the post, but i found out that they ended on not so good terms and aren't friends. so, that was just an excuse. he told me they broke up in january and it was so long ago so i shouldn't worry about him having feelings for her. but he decided to not tell me about the fact that they only stopped talking a month before he started talking to me. 

anyway, we argued for like a week but in the end, we sorted things out, he apologised and blocked her on everything. things were fine. 

until like three days ago when i suddenly started stressing and crying over everything again. i keep crying every ten minutes because i keep thinking of her. when she's on my mind, i feel sick to my stomach, like genuinely sick. i haven't eaten a full meal in three days because i feel so sick. i feel like he still likes her or misses her in some way, i'm scared he'll never like me as much as he liked her. i feel so insecure about our relationship and about myself. his ex is so pretty. she's his type. she's skinny and white and a redhead with green eyes and i am none of those things. i feel so sick and insecure and bad and i can't stop crying. 

when i bring it up with him, he reassures me but it never makes me feel better. i feel like i'm going insane and crazy, i feel like a horrible girlfriend and like i'm ruining our relationship because i can't get over his ex. i don't know what to do. it's not like he can make me feel better. he's apologised, blocked her on everything. he's never going to speak to her again but i still feel inferior to her. i feel like i'm nothing to him compared to her. 

so, does anyone have any advice? has anyone else been in a situation like this, where they're sort of obsessing over their partner's ex? i'm struggling and i dont know what to do or how our relationship is supposed to move forward because i'm so stuck on this. i don't know how to get over his ex. 

Hi @3k4lb, I wanted to start off by saying a huge big welcome to Ditch the Label. It's so nice to have you here and I'm glad that you feel comfortable to share with us, what's been going on for you. I'm Aurora and I am one of the support mentors here. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. If you ever want to talk about something more privately you can also send us a confidential support request. Just click on the Confidential Support tab at the top of the page. 

It sounds like you are feeling insecure at the moment and you are struggling to trust your boyfriend. Is it OK if I ask you a few questions so I can understand your situation better? You mentioned that your boyfriend lied about his relationship with his ex girlfriend. Did you ever talk about why he felt the need to lie? And if so are you happy to share with me what he said? 

From what you've been telling us, it sounds like your boyfriend is really trying to win back your trust. Would you agree? You mentioned that everything was fine but then three days ago you suddenly started stressing about it again. Did anything happen to make you feel this way?  I can see that you said that you feel insecure not only about your relationship but also about yourself. Do you mind me asking whether you have felt insecure about yourself before or is this a new feeling? 

Please know that we are here for you and we can help you through this! 

 

[3k4lb]

3 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi @3k4lb, I wanted to start off by saying a huge big welcome to Ditch the Label. It's so nice to have you here and I'm glad that you feel comfortable to share with us, what's been going on for you. I'm Aurora and I am one of the support mentors here. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. If you ever want to talk about something more privately you can also send us a confidential support request. Just click on the Confidential Support tab at the top of the page. 

It sounds like you are feeling insecure at the moment and you are struggling to trust your boyfriend. Is it OK if I ask you a few questions so I can understand your situation better? You mentioned that your boyfriend lied about his relationship with his ex girlfriend. Did you ever talk about why he felt the need to lie? And if so are you happy to share with me what he said? 

From what you've been telling us, it sounds like your boyfriend is really trying to win back your trust. Would you agree? You mentioned that everything was fine but then three days ago you suddenly started stressing about it again. Did anything happen to make you feel this way?  I can see that you said that you feel insecure not only about your relationship but also about yourself. Do you mind me asking whether you have felt insecure about yourself before or is this a new feeling? 

Please know that we are here for you and we can help you through this! 

 

 

yea, i asked him why he lied and he told me he didn’t know why he lied. he told me he just said what he said without thinking. he kept apologising for it and he blocked her on everything so i ended up believing him and forgave him but i still keep getting paranoid that he misses her or likes her.

i do think he’s trying to win my trust back and when he tells me he likes me i do believe him. i just think that there’s something in his mind that still likes and misses his ex too. they broke up at the beginning of the year but they talked for months after that and he only stopped talking to her a bit before he met me. i just feel like he only wanted me because he couldn’t get her back, like i’m his second choice or like i’m a rebound.

i don’t think anything happened to suddenly trigger me into thinking about everything again. it just happened and i just randomly started to think of everything again.

i think these insecurities i’m feeling now are new feelings. i have felt insecure about myself before but not like this. i never compared myself to other girls, i would just be insecure within myself. i don’t know if that makes sense. but now i’m comparing myself to his ex and i feel like i’m not as pretty at all. and i’m scared my boyfriend doesn’t find me as attractive as he found her because she is exactly what his type is and we look nothing alike.

 

 

[Aurora]

20 hours ago, 3k4lb said:

yea, i asked him why he lied and he told me he didn’t know why he lied. he told me he just said what he said without thinking. he kept apologising for it and he blocked her on everything so i ended up believing him and forgave him but i still keep getting paranoid that he misses her or likes her.

i do think he’s trying to win my trust back and when he tells me he likes me i do believe him. i just think that there’s something in his mind that still likes and misses his ex too. they broke up at the beginning of the year but they talked for months after that and he only stopped talking to her a bit before he met me. i just feel like he only wanted me because he couldn’t get her back, like i’m his second choice or like i’m a rebound.

i don’t think anything happened to suddenly trigger me into thinking about everything again. it just happened and i just randomly started to think of everything again.

i think these insecurities i’m feeling now are new feelings. i have felt insecure about myself before but not like this. i never compared myself to other girls, i would just be insecure within myself. i don’t know if that makes sense. but now i’m comparing myself to his ex and i feel like i’m not as pretty at all. and i’m scared my boyfriend doesn’t find me as attractive as he found her because she is exactly what his type is and we look nothing alike.

Thanks so much for explaining everything a bit more. You mentioned that she is exactly his type - do you mind me asking how you know what his type is? I'm also curious, are you always only attracted to the same type of look or have you noticed that you find different looks attractive? I'm just asking because a lot of people will be attracted to different looks throughout their life and we often can't predict who we will fall in love with. Sometimes we find someone attractive straight away and other times our attraction to another person grows over time as we get to know them and grow closer to them. Is that something you've experienced yourself? 

Can I ask, what would you say are the most important things in a good, healthy relationship? 

[3k4lb]

3 hours ago, Aurora said:

Thanks so much for explaining everything a bit more. You mentioned that she is exactly his type - do you mind me asking how you know what his type is? I'm also curious, are you always only attracted to the same type of look or have you noticed that you find different looks attractive? I'm just asking because a lot of people will be attracted to different looks throughout their life and we often can't predict who we will fall in love with. Sometimes we find someone attractive straight away and other times our attraction to another person grows over time as we get to know them and grow closer to them. Is that something you've experienced yourself? 

Can I ask, what would you say are the most important things in a good, healthy relationship? 

 

before we were dating we were watching love island together and i asked him what’s his type as a joke because they say that on the show a lot. he actually answered though and he was just flat-out describing her. i think i am attracted to different types of people and like, yea, he can be too. but i’m not saying i don’t think he is attracted to me or doesn’t find me pretty. i’m just scared he doesn’t find me as attractive or as pretty as her because the first thing he said his type is was a description of her.

and i guess the most important things in a healthy relationship are like lots of communication and it’s important to trust each other.

 

[Aurora]

On 9/15/2023 at 2:35 PM, 3k4lb said:

before we were dating we were watching love island together and i asked him what’s his type as a joke because they say that on the show a lot. he actually answered though and he was just flat-out describing her. i think i am attracted to different types of people and like, yea, he can be too. but i’m not saying i don’t think he is attracted to me or doesn’t find me pretty. i’m just scared he doesn’t find me as attractive or as pretty as her because the first thing he said his type is was a description of her.

and i guess the most important things in a healthy relationship are like lots of communication and it’s important to trust each other.

It sounds like you do think he's attracted to you but you're worried he's more attracted to his ex because of what he said about what his type is. Is that right? What are some of the signs that he is attracted to you?

I have some thoughts on what you've been telling me but before I tell you I wanted to ask you something. I hope that's OK. Let's say you have a friend who has been feeling the way you have - what advice would you give to them? We are often quite hard on/critical of ourselves and when we are feeling like this it can be helpful to think about it from someone else's point of view. 

[omni]

On 9/13/2023 at 12:18 PM, 3k4lb said:

i've been with my boyfriend for like 4 months now and a month ago we had a huge argument about him liking his ex's instagram post. i know it's a stupid thing to get upset over but it made me upset, so i brought it up with him. he lied about his relationship with her. he told me they're just friends and that's why he liked the post, but i found out that they ended on not so good terms and aren't friends. so, that was just an excuse. he told me they broke up in january and it was so long ago so i shouldn't worry about him having feelings for her. but he decided to not tell me about the fact that they only stopped talking a month before he started talking to me. 

anyway, we argued for like a week but in the end, we sorted things out, he apologised and blocked her on everything. things were fine. 

until like three days ago when i suddenly started stressing and crying over everything again. i keep crying every ten minutes because i keep thinking of her. when she's on my mind, i feel sick to my stomach, like genuinely sick. i haven't eaten a full meal in three days because i feel so sick. i feel like he still likes her or misses her in some way, i'm scared he'll never like me as much as he liked her. i feel so insecure about our relationship and about myself. his ex is so pretty. she's his type. she's skinny and white and a redhead with green eyes and i am none of those things. i feel so sick and insecure and bad and i can't stop crying. 

when i bring it up with him, he reassures me but it never makes me feel better. i feel like i'm going insane and crazy, i feel like a horrible girlfriend and like i'm ruining our relationship because i can't get over his ex. i don't know what to do. it's not like he can make me feel better. he's apologised, blocked her on everything. he's never going to speak to her again but i still feel inferior to her. i feel like i'm nothing to him compared to her. 

so, does anyone have any advice? has anyone else been in a situation like this, where they're sort of obsessing over their partner's ex? i'm struggling and i dont know what to do or how our relationship is supposed to move forward because i'm so stuck on this. i don't know how to get over his ex. 

yea same here i guess just do the same with your ex I don't know my current gf is my ex but make friends with his ex