How do I tell someone I love them

[Beaca]

I'm 18, she's 17.i'm bi, she's pan. I'm cis, she's trans. We've been dating for 3 months now and I recently came to the conclusion that I love her. She told me she loved me a month ago and told me not to feel pressured to say the same , one of the reasons I love her, but I'm finding it hard to tell her.

mostly this is because I was previously in a relationship that was reliant on sexual intimacy and ended in non consensual sexual assault, and I find it really hard to physically and emotionally trust someone. And I'm really happy I've been able to do so with her, but I don't know how to tell her at all. Because I don't know if I should be really sappy on why i love her and monologue about it focusing on her, or tell her bluntly, or go into detail on why I developed these feelings and why it took me so long (compared to her) to do so. She's my first girlfriend and serious relationship and I want it to go well.

any advice on this would be really helpful.

[Willow]

Hey Beaca!

 

What a beautiful story! Thank you for sharing!

 

It sounds like you've done some incredible work on your own growth-- your relationship history has helped you be more cautious, but you've opened up your heart to trusting your girlfriend.. that's amazing!

 

I am a big fan of high communication in relationships-- it's crucial for a long-lasting relationship. I think it would be beautiful for you to share with her that you love her. And then you get to tell her how much that means to you to be able to say it. If you feel comfortable sharing your story of sexual assault with her, this is an opportunity to grow closer, as she'll be able to understand you better. Then, you could share with her how it might be helpful for her to support you. Your love for her is not based on your history-- but your cautiousness is, and that's worth talking about.

 

I want to reference your post in the "Introduction" category... you mention not feeling like you don't have the energy to support your girlfriend through her transition as much as you would like. Have you spoken to her about this? Has she asked for your support?

 

Many times, we can put the expectations on ourselves to give 100+% to people (I've been guilty of this!), and then we're left not caring for ourselves like we need. We have our own needs!

 

I think a conversation with your girlfriend about what she needs from you, and what she expects from you (which you can negotiate!) will help the relationship grow stronger. Caring 'about' and caring 'for' someone are two different things... Communication and support are key in relationships, but that 'support' needs to be defined.

 

**On a side note-- have you spoken to anyone about the sexual assault you experienced?

 

-willow

[Beaca]

Hey Beaca!

 

What a beautiful story! Thank you for sharing!

 

It sounds like you've done some incredible work on your own growth-- your relationship history has helped you be more cautious, but you've opened up your heart to trusting your girlfriend.. that's amazing!

 

I am a big fan of high communication in relationships-- it's crucial for a long-lasting relationship. I think it would be beautiful for you to share with her that you love her. And then you get to tell her how much that means to you to be able to say it. If you feel comfortable sharing your story of sexual assault with her, this is an opportunity to grow closer, as she'll be able to understand you better. Then, you could share with her how it might be helpful for her to support you. Your love for her is not based on your history-- but your cautiousness is, and that's worth talking about.

 

I want to reference your post in the "Introduction" category... you mention not feeling like you don't have the energy to support your girlfriend through her transition as much as you would like. Have you spoken to her about this? Has she asked for your support?

 

Many times, we can put the expectations on ourselves to give 100+% to people (I've been guilty of this!), and then we're left not caring for ourselves like we need. We have our own needs!

 

I think a conversation with your girlfriend about what she needs from you, and what she expects from you (which you can negotiate!) will help the relationship grow stronger. Caring 'about' and caring 'for' someone are two different things... Communication and support are key in relationships, but that 'support' needs to be defined.

 

**On a side note-- have you spoken to anyone about the sexual assault you experienced?

 

-willow

Thanks, I'll definitely talk to her soon about this. And no I've never really talked about it with anyone, but I'm trying to get help and talking to her about it too. Thanks again.