How Do You Know?

[Anxious Anonymous]

How are you supposed to know if you're feeling romantic attraction or want to be good friends? How do you know if you're gay or just are more comfortable around women?

I don't think I've ever had a crush, I don't desire or even quite like sex, or reading smut, but at the same time..

I'm young enough to push this all aside, but I'm old enough now that I stick out like a sore thumb not being drawn to sex or kissing.

Women are pretty, and far, far more desirable than men, but is that just because I am one? The thought of a man flirting with me or making any advances on me, be they romantic or sexual, makes me highly uncomfortable. The genitalia aspect, the intimacy aspect, all of it. 

If a woman were to ask me for a kiss or express the want for cuddling, dating, etc. I like to think perhaps I'd oblige, but is that in and of itself attraction? Have I just not met the right person, people, anyone?

In the stories I read, the fanfiction I adore, the thought of sleeping cuddling with a woman who loves me makes me feel content, but am I making it too complicated for myself? 

I would like a label but I'm not sure if any of them stick on just right yet without any outside perspective. I feel too little lesbian to consider myself one, I feel too young to truly know if I'm asexual, however true that may be, I feel too comfortable with the idea of dating and cuddling a woman to be aromantic, and I feel too anxious to ask a friend or family any of my questions.

If anybody knows how I can find myself or has felt anything reminiscent of my feelings please respond :)

 

 

*note that non-binary individuals tend to be grouped with my use of the word "women," but a binary explanation of my feelings was simplest to write

[illumi]

perhaps ure on the aroacespec since u stated ydt u ever had a crush or desire sex b4 [albeit acespec ppl can desire sex; they lack sexual attraction]. but u can id as sapphic n aspec which r broader labels u can use b4 pinning it down. from the sounds of it u might b an aroacespec lesbian tho

Edited August 24, 2023 by NVLL

[Coyotea]

..don’t group non-binary people like that.. Non-binary people aren’t women, non-binary doesn’t mean “woman-lite” of “man-lite”. Honestly as someone who’s Non-binary i’m extremely uncomfortable being grouped like that, don’t do that.

Edited August 24, 2023 by Coyotea

[illumi]

3 hours ago, Coyotea said:

..don’t group non-binary people like that.. Non-binary people aren’t women, non-binary doesn’t mean “woman-lite” of “man-lite”. Honestly as someone who’s Non-binary i’m extremely uncomfortable being grouped like that, don’t do that.

real. im rly tired of ppl treating nby ppl like an 2ndary accessory to their attraction to the binary gender[s] to group tgt 4 'simplicity' 

[Catsup]

12 hours ago, Anxious Anonymous said:

How are you supposed to know if you're feeling romantic attraction or want to be good friends? How do you know if you're gay or just are more comfortable around women?

I don't think I've ever had a crush, I don't desire or even quite like sex, or reading smut, but at the same time..

I'm young enough to push this all aside, but I'm old enough now that I stick out like a sore thumb not being drawn to sex or kissing.

Women are pretty, and far, far more desirable than men, but is that just because I am one? The thought of a man flirting with me or making any advances on me, be they romantic or sexual, makes me highly uncomfortable. The genitalia aspect, the intimacy aspect, all of it. 

If a woman were to ask me for a kiss or express the want for cuddling, dating, etc. I like to think perhaps I'd oblige, but is that in and of itself attraction? Have I just not met the right person, people, anyone?

In the stories I read, the fanfiction I adore, the thought of sleeping cuddling with a woman who loves me makes me feel content, but am I making it too complicated for myself? 

I would like a label but I'm not sure if any of them stick on just right yet without any outside perspective. I feel too little lesbian to consider myself one, I feel too young to truly know if I'm asexual, however true that may be, I feel too comfortable with the idea of dating and cuddling a woman to be aromantic, and I feel too anxious to ask a friend or family any of my questions.

If anybody knows how I can find myself or has felt anything reminiscent of my feelings please respond :)

*note that non-binary individuals tend to be grouped with my use of the word "women," but a binary explanation of my feelings was simplest to write

Hi there, I'm Catsup, one of the support mentors here.  I can see you are curious about where you fit in the sexuality spectrum, and I think that's very normal since we usually like to know how we identify. :)

You wondered here if obliging to cuddling or dating is attraction.  For many people, there is usually more to romantic attraction and it involves taking romantic interest in people.  It sounds like you have never had an interest in one particular person, is that correct? 

Know that these things can change over time so it's totally okay to adapt how you view yourself over time.  To me it sounds like you could fall somewhere on the aroace spectrum, but you still have preference for women.  Since sexuality is a sprectrum, I believe you can identify with a label without feeling it 100%.  What do you think, and do you think you have a specific label in mind that works for you at this point?

[Coyotea]

6 hours ago, NVLL said:

real. im rly tired of ppl treating nby ppl like an 2ndary accessory to their attraction to the binary gender[s] to group tgt 4 'simplicity' 

Yeah, and it’s also not just AFAB people who are non-binary. Amab and AIAB are too. 
edit: I know you know this but I feel like it should be said here. 

Edited August 24, 2023 by Coyotea

[Anxious Anonymous]

On 8/23/2023 at 10:52 PM, Coyotea said:

..don’t group non-binary people like that.. Non-binary people aren’t women, non-binary doesn’t mean “woman-lite” of “man-lite”. Honestly as someone who’s Non-binary i’m extremely uncomfortable being grouped like that, don’t do that.

Rereading the way I stated what I said, I completely agree and I'm very sorry, I'll try and be more considerate in how I word things! I simply was trying to say that I've known people who identify as non-binary (feminine, masculine, and androgynous) and my attraction? to them tends to coincide with my attraction? to women, NOT that you're in any way man-lite or woman-lite and I'm again very sorry with how that came across. PLEASE don't feel afraid to educate me more if this too comes across poorly in any way, I'm here to learn and grow :)

[Coyotea]

37 minutes ago, Anxious Anonymous said:

Rereading the way I stated what I said, I completely agree and I'm very sorry, I'll try and be more considerate in how I word things! I simply was trying to say that I've known people who identify as non-binary (feminine, masculine, and androgynous) and my attraction? to them tends to coincide with my attraction? to women, NOT that you're in any way man-lite or woman-lite and I'm again very sorry with how that came across. PLEASE don't feel afraid to educate me more if this too comes across poorly in any way, I'm here to learn and grow :)

No worries, thank you for replying. I get what you’re saying now that you’ve clarified, but yeah wording like that tends to group non-binary people in a way that just shouldn’t happen. Maybe you could use the clarification you’ve replied with here into your original post? That way people will know what you mean. :) 

[Coyotea]

I might recommend looking into micro labels on the A-spec? (referring to both Aro and Ace spectrums) Because there are Aro and Ace people who can be comfortable with dating or sex, and actively want it despite not having romantic or sexual attraction or feelings, even then Aromantism and Asexuality are both spectrums and the intensity of your attraction (sexual or romantic) doesn’t have to be exactly 0% (if that makes sense.) 

There are also a bunch of different types of attraction! Not just Sexual and romantic (although those are the most well known). There is Aesthetic attraction, sensual attraction, platonic attraction and physical attraction. 

I don’t know if this helps at all, My wording might be rambling and unclear because I didn’t sleep much last night. But I wish you luck on your journey of self-discovery.

[Anxious Anonymous]

On 8/23/2023 at 7:06 PM, Anxious Anonymous said:

How are you supposed to know if you're feeling romantic attraction or want to be good friends? How do you know if you're gay or just are more comfortable around women?

I don't think I've ever had a crush, I don't desire or even quite like sex, or reading smut, but at the same time..

I'm young enough to push this all aside, but I'm old enough now that I stick out like a sore thumb not being drawn to sex or kissing.

Women are pretty, and far, far more desirable than men, but is that just because I am one? The thought of a man flirting with me or making any advances on me, be they romantic or sexual, makes me highly uncomfortable. The genitalia aspect, the intimacy aspect, all of it. 

If a woman were to ask me for a kiss or express the want for cuddling, dating, etc. I like to think perhaps I'd oblige, but is that in and of itself attraction? Have I just not met the right person, people, anyone?

In the stories I read, the fanfiction I adore, the thought of sleeping cuddling with a woman who loves me makes me feel content, but am I making it too complicated for myself? 

I would like a label but I'm not sure if any of them stick on just right yet without any outside perspective. I feel too little lesbian to consider myself one, I feel too young to truly know if I'm asexual, however true that may be, I feel too comfortable with the idea of dating and cuddling a woman to be aromantic, and I feel too anxious to ask a friend or family any of my questions.

If anybody knows how I can find myself or has felt anything reminiscent of my feelings please respond :)

*note that non-binary individuals tend to be grouped with my use of the word "women," but a binary explanation of my feelings was simplest to write

ADDITIONAL NOTE: my initial note about non-binary people was VERY poorly worded, so I'll paste my reply to a fellow commenter about that here: I've known people who identify as non-binary (feminine, masculine, and androgynous) and my attraction(?) to them tends to coincide with my attraction(?) to women, in no way did I mean to insinuate that non-binary people are any type of "man" or "woman" !! I'm sorry if I came across in any way invalidating and hope this clears things up :)

[omni]

yea agreed its normal