The Coyotea’s Den

[Coyotea]

Whyyyyyyy does identity have to be so confusing? 
why do I have to be so complicated and confusing?

Whatever the heck controls fate, the universe or whatever, whatever being/higher power/god or whatever (or even if there isn’t one) really decided: Let’s make this person as complicated and fluid and wiggly in their identity as possible!

and then also decided: fuck it! Let’s make him also hate change and surprises and such! :D 

Thats life I guess

[Coyotea]

I really want to make a playlist for my stories and ocs but keep forgetting 

and I have to work on one of the stories-

[Luie]

On 1/12/2024 at 1:20 AM, TheForeverTired said:

Could I just- sign in on YouTube and make playlists for the things I want and make it specific to my own taste? Yes.

Am I going to play one song from one very specific playlist video someone else made instead? Yes.

[Luie]

On 1/12/2024 at 1:23 AM, TheForeverTired said:

My body is sore, I started benching/working out with my dad, which- sucks, because it’s him. But the actual workout itself is great. And holy shit is my left arm feeling it. I never realized how drastic the difference was between that and my right arm, aka my dominant/drawing arm. (Which- btw I had gained a surprising amount of definition in my right bicep from drawing)

So, you know, my parents may suck, like, they may be absolutely horrible, in the way they treat me and their beliefs and so on- but damn, their cooking? The knowledge on working out and physical fitness?  

 

Heyy @TheForeverTired, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label.

First off, major props for hitting the gym with your dad, even if he makes it a bit challenging. It's like a tag team match with soreness, right? I can totally imagine your left arm staging a little protest after the workout – sounds like it's having a heated debate with your right arm over who's stealing the spotlight. And about that surprising bicep definition from drawing, who knew art could double as a secret gym session? Picasso would be proud, I'm sure!

Now, onto the parental front - sorry to hear things aren't the smoothest. I am here if you wanna talk more about things at home, we have 1-1 support that we offer via confidential support on our platform. But hey, at least they've nailed the cooking and the fitness knowledge game, right? It's like they've got a secret superpower in the kitchen and the gym. What all do they make which you enjoy eating?

 

[Luie]

On 1/12/2024 at 1:37 AM, TheForeverTired said:

I’ve started to realize just how alone I’m becoming, it feels like I’m losing people left and right. The relationships I wanted to stay the same, have changed, drastically, and not for the better. The friend group I was in is dead. It’s empty, abandoned. I’m not going to get that back, I’m not going to get anything like that back again. And that hurts, it really, really hurts. I hate it so much. I wish I could go back in time. I want that all back. It’s not easy after you’ve been on a platform for a while, because everyone else has their cliques and the new people join the other new people. I think I’m going to end up alone, that thought kills me, it hurts so much, I don’t even know if I can describe it. 

WHy does it have to change? I want the friends back, I want the connections- but it’s not coming back and you can’t replicate those things. 

 

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time, @TheForeverTired. It sounds incredibly challenging to see those important connections evolving and drifting away. Change can be really difficult, especially when it feels like you're losing a part of yourself in the process.

I can imagine how much you miss the way things used to be and the closeness you once had with your friends. It's completely valid to feel that hurt and longing. If you're comfortable sharing, is there a particular moment or memory that stands out to you from those times you wish you could go back to?

Also, it sounds like navigating social dynamics on the platform is adding an extra layer of complexity. I am wondering if you have you thought about reaching out to new people or maybe exploring different communities to find connections that resonate with you? Sometimes, unexpected friendships can emerge from new experiences.

 

[Luie]

On 1/12/2024 at 2:12 AM, TheForeverTired said:

click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click 

[Luie]

15 hours ago, TheForeverTired said:

I’m remembering why the fuck I don’t drink coffeee :’)

Tell me more. 

[Luie]

15 hours ago, TheForeverTired said:

Whyyyyyyy does identity have to be so confusing? 
why do I have to be so complicated and confusing?

Whatever the heck controls fate, the universe or whatever, whatever being/higher power/god or whatever (or even if there isn’t one) really decided: Let’s make this person as complicated and fluid and wiggly in their identity as possible!

and then also decided: fuck it! Let’s make him also hate change and surprises and such! :D 

Thats life I guess

 

Oh, @TheForeverTired, I hear you. Identity can be like trying to solve a puzzle in a room with constantly shifting walls. It's totally okay to feel complicated and confusing – in fact, that uniqueness is what makes you, well, you! It's almost like the universe played a game of cosmic dice and decided to make you this wonderfully complex, fluid being. Embracing all those twists and turns in your identity can be quite the rollercoaster, huh? And the added twist of not being a fan of change or surprises? It's like the universe has a quirky sense of humor.

Do you ever find any moments where you feel a bit more at ease with your identity, even if it's just for a short while? And how do you navigate those times when change throws you a curveball – any strategies you've found helpful? 

 

[Coyotea]

On 1/13/2024 at 9:46 AM, Luie said:

Tell me more. 

It’s like playing roulette with my body

and one of those options is my heart going all fucky and not beating quite the way it should…which has happened plenty of times without coffee but coffee makes it worse and more common.

[Coyotea]

Body dysmorphia is a real bitch. 

[Luie]

On 1/19/2024 at 9:55 PM, TheForeverTired said:

Body dysmorphia is a real bitch. 

Heyy @TheForeverTired, @Duckie has responded to you on CS. If you need to speak about it more, please do let us know, you're right though Body dysmorphia is difficult. 

[Coyotea]

“He looks like you”

I wish you could see what I see. I wish you could see how I see me. He doesn’t look like me, he’s everything I want to be, but can’t.

He’s what I want but can’t have. There’s no way to fix it.

[Coyotea]

I feel stuck between binge eating because I’m a disgusting person and i deserve to be disgusting in every way, and not eating to punish myself for existing and because that would mean weight gain. I don’t feel like eating but I want to eat my feelings. 

[Coyotea]

What’s the point of living if you’re only just surviving until the next day, or existing one moment to the next?

Edited January 24 by TheForeverTired

[Coyotea]

I feel like everyone on this site hates me now..

[Luie]

1 hour ago, TheForeverTired said:

I feel like everyone on this site hates me now..

Heyy @TheForeverTired, this is not true. We do not hate you. Rather are here for you and find it admirable for you to be vulnerable with us. It's never easy to do so and you're right no one can view you from your lens and only you truly understand the struggles you're going through. That being said, I am truly sorry that you're going through such a difficult time with this. 

[Coyotea]

3 hours ago, Luie said:

Heyy @TheForeverTired, this is not true. We do not hate you. Rather are here for you and find it admirable for you to be vulnerable with us. It's never easy to do so and you're right no one can view you from your lens and only you truly understand the struggles you're going through. That being said, I am truly sorry that you're going through such a difficult time with this. 

I’m having a hard time believing that

[Hazard]

7 hours ago, TheForeverTired said:

I feel like everyone on this site hates me now..

Nope, not at all. I've been giving you space because I don't want to crowd you if you're annoyed by me, not because I'm angry or annoyed at you. If you're fine with me, then I'll open up communication with you more, but I don't want to overstep after a disagreement, you know?

[Aurora]

18 hours ago, TheForeverTired said:

I feel like everyone on this site hates me now..

I'm sorry to hear you feel like that @TheForeverTired. Did something in particular happen to make you feel this way? If so, would you like to share what happened?

I can see that Luie and Emberfrost12 have already replied and I would like to echo what they said. You're a valuable member of our community and we appreciated your honesty and openness. I have also been giving you some space because I got the impression that you wanted to use this space to vent rather than for support or advise. If you would like me to comment more on your posts again or if you would like to talk about something in particular please let me know 

[Duckie]

21 hours ago, TheForeverTired said:

I feel like everyone on this site hates me now..

We really don't  We are so happy to have you here and you are valued. 

[Coyotea]

This is just a lyric dump of Stick season by Noah kahan 

Spoiler

 

As you promised me that I was more than all the miles combined
You must have had yourself a change of heart like
Halfway through the drive
Because your voice trailed off exactly as you passed my exit sign
Kept on drivin' straight and left our future to the right

Now I am stuck between my anger and the blame that I can't face
And memories are somethin' even smoking weed does not replace
And I am terrified of weather 'cause I see you when it rains
Doc told me to travel, but there's COVID on the planes

And I love Vermont, but it's the season of the sticks
And I saw your mom, she forgot that I existed
And it's half my fault, but I just like to play the victim
I'll drink alcohol 'til my friends come home for Christmas

And I'll dream each night of some version of you
That I might not have, but I did not lose
Now you're tire tracks and one pair of shoes
And I'm split in half, but that'll have to do

So I thought that if I piled something good on all my bad
That I could cancel out the darkness I inherited from dad
No, I am no longer funny, 'cause I miss the way you laugh
You once called me forever, now you still can't call me back

And I love Vermont, but it's the season of the sticks
And I saw your mom, she forgot that I existed
And it's half my fault, but I just like to play the victim
I'll drink alcohol 'til my friends come home for Christmas

And I'll dream each night of some version of you
That I might not have, but I did not lose
Now you're tire tracks and one pair of shoes
And I'm split in half, but that'll have to do

Oh, that'll have to do
My other half was you
I hope this pain's just passin' through
But I doubt it

And I love Vermont, but it's the season of the sticks
And I saw your mom, she forgot that I existed
And it's half my fault, but I just like to play the victim
I'll drink alcohol 'til my friends come home for Christmas

And I'll dream each night of some version of you
That I might not have, but I did not lose
Now you're tire tracks and one pair of shoes
And I'm split in half, but that'll have to do

Have to do

 

 

[Luie]

2 hours ago, TheForeverBroken said:

I hate this I hate living I hate being me all I do is hurt people that’s all I’m capable of, I lost the one person who said he’d never leave, I hurt him. I’m awful, I deserve to die, I deserve to be raped and beaten and flogged and cut over and over and so much worse, I deserve everything bad that has ever happened to me, I deserve worse than that, I’m worse than stormy, I’m terrible I’m toxic, I’m a monster I just want to die 

I’m sorry 

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry 

I didn’t want to hurt anyone but I did. I didn’t want to feel those ways but I did, I can’t do anything right. I’m horrible. I’m sorry, I didn’t want any of this,.

I should die, I should die. I’ll atone with cutting.

every day..

fuck, he hates me, he never like being around me. I was right all along, I was just something to be maintained, I was an obligation to him, he lied he lied he lied he lied.
 

FUCK I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I WANT TOGO BACK BUT HENHATES ME 

Heyy @TheForeverBroken, I have just responded to you on CS. 

[Coyotea]

On 1/25/2024 at 4:23 PM, Emberfrost12 said:

Nope, not at all. I've been giving you space because I don't want to crowd you if you're annoyed by me, not because I'm angry or annoyed at you. If you're fine with me, then I'll open up communication with you more, but I don't want to overstep after a disagreement, you know?

I thought you hated me, or was angry with me or something.. I didn’t contact you bc I thought you didn’t want to.

On 1/26/2024 at 3:05 AM, Aurora said:

I'm sorry to hear you feel like that @TheForeverTired. Did something in particular happen to make you feel this way? If so, would you like to share what happened?

I can see that Luie and Emberfrost12 have already replied and I would like to echo what they said. You're a valuable member of our community and we appreciated your honesty and openness. I have also been giving you some space because I got the impression that you wanted to use this space to vent rather than for support or advise. If you would like me to comment more on your posts again or if you would like to talk about something in particular please let me know 

Idk..up to you, idk if I feel like talking about it.

[Luie]

11 hours ago, TheForeverBroken said:

I thought you hated me, or was angry with me or something.. I didn’t contact you bc I thought you didn’t want to.

Idk..up to you, idk if I feel like talking about it.

Whatever you're comfortable with and feel like talking about it, we are here for you. 

[Coyotea]

Ah yes, we’re the assholes for trying to find a seat at an event where tickets oversold and there ARE no seats. We’re the assholes for trying to clarify that, we’re the assholes for-

FUCKING Christ, do people even hear themselves? Like, dude, how are you not the asshole for calling us assholes instead of just politely saying “excuse me, you’re blocking our view.” or something. And you’re Totally not an asshole for threatening us. Yeah, 100%, makes so much sense.  (This isn’t at anyone on here- it’s just a guy I need to rant about that we encountered at the rodeo)