Idk what to make of this :)

[welches_242]

This happened a while ago but I’m really just absorbing the whole situation now plus I have a question. In December, I was talking to this person (we‘ll call him “Pen”) online. He goes to my school and is in my grade but we never were able to talk irl because we were so busy at school and out of school but we could fit in random conversations at random times over text. I had danced with them at the first dance of the year and texting allowed us to get rid of most of the awkwardness from that. However my friends, (Fake names will be “Ruler,” “Smile,” and “Cat”) were also pulled into this whole scenario. So Ruler saw us dancing at the dance and decided we were their OTP. At the time, I did not use the label aromantic because I was only starting to question it. Any time we saw Pen, Ruler would nudge me and wiggle their eyebrows. I feel very uncomfortable when I see or am affected by anything along those lines and I blush really easily (including getting math questions wrong, so anything that causes me a little bit of discomfort). So of course, anytime they did any of these actions I would blush, which only made them continue to do so. After a while, I finally decided to voice this discomfort  to Ruler, which my friend Smile (who is updated on my life whenever something happens almost immediately and vice versa and is also on this website) helped me with. It took a bit after for all that to finally stop, but it did. Not even a week after that was sorted out, Pen admitted to my friend Cat that they liked them. Over text and they’ve never spoken to one another before irl. Bad move on Pen’s part and did not give the right impression at all. I also was texting them about the assembly that just occurred like 5 mins before that happened and Pen knows me and Cat are friends. That was a really weird experience. After that my friends were waving red flags everywhere, planting them like trees and watering them, etc. A big one they used was Pen texting me but not talking irl. Then again there was the whole schedule thing. I also observed that Pen also realizes when they say something weird and during conversations, they’ll delete anything that didn’t make sense or sounded weird. Idk why but I seem to excuse that whole thing with Cat whenever I see Pen. We had only a couple convos after that and then we just stopped talking. Pen still smiles at me and my other friends in the hallway which seems to gross everyone out and I used to just follow their reactions. Not so much anymore and I wonder what could’ve happened if we talked irl in the first place rather than over text. A few months after that, I started snapping Pen’s friend (we’ll call this friend “Fish”). We had a couple classes together along with some of Fish’s other friends and so I figured “Why not?” During that time he complimented me on my looks which oblivious me thought nothing of and his friends added me and started snapping me on snap. Fish also ends up asking me to walk around with them at lunch and I said yes because I’m open to becoming closer to people and making new friends. Fish had to back out because they were going with Pen and their other friends to the nearby plaza. Seeing Pen after that whole thing was VERY awkward but I also wanted to talk to them at the same time to sort it out. Then we all part ways. Few weeks later, Semi formal is coming up. Fish asks me to the dance. I say no because I can now tell Fish clearly likes me and I ignored every sign as a coincidence and “they’re just being nice” plus I wanted to stick to my friends. Fish then tried to guilt trip me by saying they might not go. Which I told them, “oh, ok. Well I’ll see you around.” THAT WAS A SCARY RED FLAG. I didn’t really realize this until my friend brought it up yesterday. I also felt a bit guilty because I just came out to myself and close friends as aro but I wasn’t ready to tell most people yet, including Fish and I felt like I mislead them. I just smile at them in the hallways and give them the occasional fist bump to be nice. I also emphasized the friendzone a bit when turning Fish down. I hoped that helped them a bit. Now you may be wondering. Why all that information? Because (A) it’s been on my mind and I need to rant. And the fun part (B), I kind of want to contact Pen again and try to reconnect. He’s also in a couple of my classes next year too. But I don’t know if I should. Some advice or help would be lovely :)

[Duckie]

Hi @welches_242,

Thank you for sharing this with us and for explaining in detail what's happened. It sounds like a lot has been going on for you. I am happy you managed to tell Ruler how you feel about making you blush all the time and I'm happy this has worked out for you. I'm also hearing that you were being polite and kind to Fish hoping for friendship, but that he misinterpreted it as flirting. I would agree with your friends that Fish was trying to guilt you into dancing with them at the Semi formal. Not a good look at all! How are things between you all now?

The most confusing thing about relationships is defining where things are going, in my opinion. I think it is something that can make people "Hot and Cold" like Katy Perry says  One minute they are texting you lots and the next they barely dare to address you in public. It sounds to me like Pen is a bit nervous and doesn't know what to do about anything. It was a bad move of him to admit he likes your friend. Would you feel comfortable talking to him about this? It sounds like it would help sort things out to address that this has been confusing for you. How do you feel about him now?

Some relationships never evolve from texting and texting can feel quite personal in many ways, but it might be worth exploring whether Pen would actually be happy to meet up with you just so you can talk about where you stand. How does that sound?

Also, how are things with Fish now?

[welches_242]

6 hours ago, Duckie said:

Hi @welches_242,

Thank you for sharing this with us and for explaining in detail what's happened. It sounds like a lot has been going on for you. I am happy you managed to tell Ruler how you feel about making you blush all the time and I'm happy this has worked out for you. I'm also hearing that you were being polite and kind to Fish hoping for friendship, but that he misinterpreted it as flirting. I would agree with your friends that Fish was trying to guilt you into dancing with them at the Semi formal. Not a good look at all! How are things between you all now?

The most confusing thing about relationships is defining where things are going, in my opinion. I think it is something that can make people "Hot and Cold" like Katy Perry says  One minute they are texting you lots and the next they barely dare to address you in public. It sounds to me like Pen is a bit nervous and doesn't know what to do about anything. It was a bad move of him to admit he likes your friend. Would you feel comfortable talking to him about this? It sounds like it would help sort things out to address that this has been confusing for you. How do you feel about him now?

Some relationships never evolve from texting and texting can feel quite personal in many ways, but it might be worth exploring whether Pen would actually be happy to meet up with you just so you can talk about where you stand. How does that sound?

Also, how are things with Fish now?

I still consider Pen to be a good person even though they struggle a bit in social situations to say the least. I’m a person who likes to talk about things and sort any issues out, but because of the admission of feelings and the awkwardness it left in my friend group, it’s really hard to have a healthy conversation. However, I’m not sure if I want to actually be friends with him but at least talk about everything that went down. Not to mention with the negative opinions my friends have of them, it might stir up some unnecessary drama in the friend group. In some ways it may be better if I contact him when we’re in the same classes because I can start from there and base conversations on school work. With Fish, as I said in the long explanation, we don’t really talk at all. We just smile at each other in the hallway and the rare fist bump. I’m kind of glad it’s that way after they tried to guilt trip me. 

[Duckie]

On 7/5/2023 at 6:00 PM, welches_242 said:

I still consider Pen to be a good person even though they struggle a bit in social situations to say the least. I’m a person who likes to talk about things and sort any issues out, but because of the admission of feelings and the awkwardness it left in my friend group, it’s really hard to have a healthy conversation. However, I’m not sure if I want to actually be friends with him but at least talk about everything that went down. Not to mention with the negative opinions my friends have of them, it might stir up some unnecessary drama in the friend group. In some ways it may be better if I contact him when we’re in the same classes because I can start from there and base conversations on school work. With Fish, as I said in the long explanation, we don’t really talk at all. We just smile at each other in the hallway and the rare fist bump. I’m kind of glad it’s that way after they tried to guilt trip me. 

Hi,

Thank you for your message. It sounds like the situation with Fish has reached a natural ending, which sounds like it hasn't been too dramatic considering you still smile to one another and leave it at that. Are your friends OK with it?

Yes, it does sound like Pen is nervous and that you are more outgoing and want to sort this. I think it's a good idea that the two of you have a chat. Please tell me how it went, if you feel comfortable doing so. I'm curious to see what his version is and how he might not have understood how you see it. How are things between you right now? Can you think of a good time to talk to him?

[Madeleine_357]

On 7/5/2023 at 3:41 AM, welches_242 said:

This happened a while ago but I’m really just absorbing the whole situation now plus I have a question. In December, I was talking to this person (we‘ll call him “Pen”) online. He goes to my school and is in my grade but we never were able to talk irl because we were so busy at school and out of school but we could fit in random conversations at random times over text. I had danced with them at the first dance of the year and texting allowed us to get rid of most of the awkwardness from that. However my friends, (Fake names will be “Ruler,” “Smile,” and “Cat”) were also pulled into this whole scenario. So Ruler saw us dancing at the dance and decided we were their OTP. At the time, I did not use the label aromantic because I was only starting to question it. Any time we saw Pen, Ruler would nudge me and wiggle their eyebrows. I feel very uncomfortable when I see or am affected by anything along those lines and I blush really easily (including getting math questions wrong, so anything that causes me a little bit of discomfort). So of course, anytime they did any of these actions I would blush, which only made them continue to do so. After a while, I finally decided to voice this discomfort  to Ruler, which my friend Smile (who is updated on my life whenever something happens almost immediately and vice versa and is also on this website) helped me with. It took a bit after for all that to finally stop, but it did. Not even a week after that was sorted out, Pen admitted to my friend Cat that they liked them. Over text and they’ve never spoken to one another before irl. Bad move on Pen’s part and did not give the right impression at all. I also was texting them about the assembly that just occurred like 5 mins before that happened and Pen knows me and Cat are friends. That was a really weird experience. After that my friends were waving red flags everywhere, planting them like trees and watering them, etc. A big one they used was Pen texting me but not talking irl. Then again there was the whole schedule thing. I also observed that Pen also realizes when they say something weird and during conversations, they’ll delete anything that didn’t make sense or sounded weird. Idk why but I seem to excuse that whole thing with Cat whenever I see Pen. We had only a couple convos after that and then we just stopped talking. Pen still smiles at me and my other friends in the hallway which seems to gross everyone out and I used to just follow their reactions. Not so much anymore and I wonder what could’ve happened if we talked irl in the first place rather than over text. A few months after that, I started snapping Pen’s friend (we’ll call this friend “Fish”). We had a couple classes together along with some of Fish’s other friends and so I figured “Why not?” During that time he complimented me on my looks which oblivious me thought nothing of and his friends added me and started snapping me on snap. Fish also ends up asking me to walk around with them at lunch and I said yes because I’m open to becoming closer to people and making new friends. Fish had to back out because they were going with Pen and their other friends to the nearby plaza. Seeing Pen after that whole thing was VERY awkward but I also wanted to talk to them at the same time to sort it out. Then we all part ways. Few weeks later, Semi formal is coming up. Fish asks me to the dance. I say no because I can now tell Fish clearly likes me and I ignored every sign as a coincidence and “they’re just being nice” plus I wanted to stick to my friends. Fish then tried to guilt trip me by saying they might not go. Which I told them, “oh, ok. Well I’ll see you around.” THAT WAS A SCARY RED FLAG. I didn’t really realize this until my friend brought it up yesterday. I also felt a bit guilty because I just came out to myself and close friends as aro but I wasn’t ready to tell most people yet, including Fish and I felt like I mislead them. I just smile at them in the hallways and give them the occasional fist bump to be nice. I also emphasized the friendzone a bit when turning Fish down. I hoped that helped them a bit. Now you may be wondering. Why all that information? Because (A) it’s been on my mind and I need to rant. And the fun part (B), I kind of want to contact Pen again and try to reconnect. He’s also in a couple of my classes next year too. But I don’t know if I should. Some advice or help would be lovely :)

AM I SMILE??