Confused, annoyed and numb :)

[Madeleine_357]

Ok. So y'all may remember how I'm having problems with my guy friend. At this point I just don't even know what to do anymore. A few weeks ago when our mutual friend, lets call her M, got us together for a hangout, he was like telling the story of how he came to be talking to the girl hes talking to now, and it was kinda like he was only talking to me the whole time. Like the whole time he was talking he was like looking into my eyes. Except for the times when I wasn't looking him or he was directing addressing someone else there. He even said with his own mouth "I'm scared to talk to girls I like." His words not mine. He never directly told me the story os him and his ex, lets call her J, and he asked everyone before he started talking about the girl hes talking to now, he asked "so everyone knows the story of J?" Even tho hes never told me about it. M has tho. Everything this boy tells her, I hear and vice versa. It's always been me and M together against him, (S). She knows everything thats going on, and she kinda like forces close proximity. He tossed me a pair of sunglasses at school after that weekend was over, and me and my other friends had a convo with him in drama on the thursday, but that was like 2 weeks ago. Ive been alone so many times at my locker and near him, and in not so crowded hallways, and he doesnt have an issue with like talking to people with other people near by, so idk if he just doesn;t want to be seen with me, but there wouldnt really be a reason for that. I'm just like neutral throughout the school. Theres like maybe 2 people who dont like me for no reason, and everyone else I'm chill with. He just doesnt talk to me on his own, even tho he tries. I make eye contact with him in the mirror on my locker. When he was standing in line waiting for the bus and I was sitting in a seat on the bus already near the window, I looked out and saw his staring up at me. I made eye contact with him, and he quickly looked away. 

He just doesn't talk to me unless I initiate it, but he seems genienly happy to be talking to me. When my friend M invites him to hangout and she says its at my house, if he didn;t want to see me he would make up some excuse. I don't know what the reason is why he won't talk to me, but I know there is a reason.  I would really like to know this reason, but my friend M thinks I should let it go and not confront him or talk to him about it, because she says I'll push him away more bec hes sick of and doesnt like confrontational talks. I don't know what to do anymore, or even how to do anything. I'm torn. I know he doesn't like confrontational talks, but I don't know what else to do anymore. Either way I've lost my friends I guess? I just don't know. And what makes it even more confusing is he's talking to a girl right now, while being all weird with me. He ignores me, and is a dry texter to me, but tried to continue the convo with M, and actually texts her even tho they don't go to the same school right now. I just don't know what's going on or what to do.

[Catsup]

11 hours ago, Madeleine_357 said:

Ok. So y'all may remember how I'm having problems with my guy friend. At this point I just don't even know what to do anymore. A few weeks ago when our mutual friend, lets call her M, got us together for a hangout, he was like telling the story of how he came to be talking to the girl hes talking to now, and it was kinda like he was only talking to me the whole time. Like the whole time he was talking he was like looking into my eyes. Except for the times when I wasn't looking him or he was directing addressing someone else there. He even said with his own mouth "I'm scared to talk to girls I like." His words not mine. He never directly told me the story os him and his ex, lets call her J, and he asked everyone before he started talking about the girl hes talking to now, he asked "so everyone knows the story of J?" Even tho hes never told me about it. M has tho. Everything this boy tells her, I hear and vice versa. It's always been me and M together against him, (S). She knows everything thats going on, and she kinda like forces close proximity. He tossed me a pair of sunglasses at school after that weekend was over, and me and my other friends had a convo with him in drama on the thursday, but that was like 2 weeks ago. Ive been alone so many times at my locker and near him, and in not so crowded hallways, and he doesnt have an issue with like talking to people with other people near by, so idk if he just doesn;t want to be seen with me, but there wouldnt really be a reason for that. I'm just like neutral throughout the school. Theres like maybe 2 people who dont like me for no reason, and everyone else I'm chill with. He just doesnt talk to me on his own, even tho he tries. I make eye contact with him in the mirror on my locker. When he was standing in line waiting for the bus and I was sitting in a seat on the bus already near the window, I looked out and saw his staring up at me. I made eye contact with him, and he quickly looked away. 

He just doesn't talk to me unless I initiate it, but he seems genienly happy to be talking to me. When my friend M invites him to hangout and she says its at my house, if he didn;t want to see me he would make up some excuse. I don't know what the reason is why he won't talk to me, but I know there is a reason.  I would really like to know this reason, but my friend M thinks I should let it go and not confront him or talk to him about it, because she says I'll push him away more bec hes sick of and doesnt like confrontational talks. I don't know what to do anymore, or even how to do anything. I'm torn. I know he doesn't like confrontational talks, but I don't know what else to do anymore. Either way I've lost my friends I guess? I just don't know. And what makes it even more confusing is he's talking to a girl right now, while being all weird with me. He ignores me, and is a dry texter to me, but tried to continue the convo with M, and actually texts her even tho they don't go to the same school right now. I just don't know what's going on or what to do.

Hi there!  I do remember you have been having problems with your guy friend and that you have gotten a lot of mixed signals from him.  Since he is talking to another girl, what do you think that part means to you?  For me, it seems a bit odd since he claims to have trouble talking to girls but he can still have a conversation with her. 

I would agree with you that he is sending very confusing messages, but at the same time, it is not your job to figure him out if he's unwilling to communicate.  You mentioned your friend is against you confronting him and it sounds like it might be causing some friction.  But what do you mean when you say you've lost your friends?   To me it sounds like you still have your friends, unless there is more going on there?

Do you think it is an option to ignore his unusual behavior and detach from all this?

[Madeleine_357]

46 minutes ago, Catsup said:

Hi there!  I do remember you have been having problems with your guy friend and that you have gotten a lot of mixed signals from him.  Since he is talking to another girl, what do you think that part means to you?  For me, it seems a bit odd since he claims to have trouble talking to girls but he can still have a conversation with her. 

I would agree with you that he is sending very confusing messages, but at the same time, it is not your job to figure him out if he's unwilling to communicate.  You mentioned your friend is against you confronting him and it sounds like it might be causing some friction.  But what do you mean when you say you've lost your friends?   To me it sounds like you still have your friends, unless there is more going on there?

Do you think it is an option to ignore his unusual behavior and detach from all this?

Ooops sorry I meant friend singular. I accidentally added an S. I'm not sure what thatpart means to me. He says hes only scared to talk to girls he likes, and before he had that problem with her, but he doesn't really anymore. Honestly I just don't know whats an option and whats not bec I'm not sure what the right way to go is at this point.

[Catsup]

8 minutes ago, Madeleine_357 said:

Ooops sorry I meant friend singular. I accidentally added an S. I'm not sure what thatpart means to me. He says hes only scared to talk to girls he likes, and before he had that problem with her, but he doesn't really anymore. Honestly I just don't know whats an option and whats not bec I'm not sure what the right way to go is at this point.

Oh okay, that makes sense that it is simply that one friend!  Would you be open to having a conversation with her, once you sort out what to do about your guy friend? 

In my personal view, you have been trying for a long time to be open with him and he has not been communicating properly.  This has been damaging to you, and I think it makes sense to stop paying attention to him.  It's much easier said than done to ignore how he's acting, but I think you have been putting in a lot of effort reading into him, and at the end of the day, he needs to take some responsibility for reaching out if he is actually interested.

What are your thoughts on letting him go at this point?

[Madeleine_357]

2 hours ago, Catsup said:

Oh okay, that makes sense that it is simply that one friend!  Would you be open to having a conversation with her, once you sort out what to do about your guy friend? 

In my personal view, you have been trying for a long time to be open with him and he has not been communicating properly.  This has been damaging to you, and I think it makes sense to stop paying attention to him.  It's much easier said than done to ignore how he's acting, but I think you have been putting in a lot of effort reading into him, and at the end of the day, he needs to take some responsibility for reaching out if he is actually interested.

What are your thoughts on letting him go at this point?

I am going to start ignoring him. If he's friendly to me, I'll be friendly to him. Also I didn't mean i was losing M, I meant i was losing him. He's having trouble for a reason I don't know, so if he wants to, he'll come to me eventually. Up until that point, I'm honestly barely trying to chase him anymore. I'll still like treat him the way I treat my other friends and be friendly, it just won't be the same as with my other friends. And it won't be the same as it was before. 

[Catsup]

19 hours ago, Madeleine_357 said:

I am going to start ignoring him. If he's friendly to me, I'll be friendly to him. Also I didn't mean i was losing M, I meant i was losing him. He's having trouble for a reason I don't know, so if he wants to, he'll come to me eventually. Up until that point, I'm honestly barely trying to chase him anymore. I'll still like treat him the way I treat my other friends and be friendly, it just won't be the same as with my other friends. And it won't be the same as it was before. 

Hey there, I think that's a very fair way to deal with things.  And that's really good to know that you are still on good terms with your other friends--it makes sense that you would be!  How are you feeling about your plan to ignore him?

[Madeleine_357]

On 6/27/2023 at 8:18 AM, Catsup said:

Hey there, I think that's a very fair way to deal with things.  And that's really good to know that you are still on good terms with your other friends--it makes sense that you would be!  How are you feeling about your plan to ignore him?

Well I hope he's gotten the hint. I was walking home from my friends house on tuesday and him and his friend, who is also my friend, lets call him O, were playing with a soccer ball. O stopped, turned and said "hey!"  and I said hi O and he said whats up. The ball went off the road and S (the guy) waited until I was near it to go get it and I was planning on walking past him without saying anything but he said "hey Maddy" and I said Hm? and he said "hey" and I said "hey" and kept walking. I think he could tell my reaction to him was less enthusiastic than it was to O, bec I'm trying to give him a taste of his own medicine. At least he said hi to me tho. He like waited until i got close, cause I doubt he would have shouted hi to me. So far, I think my plans pretty good. He must have taken the hint, and I was planning on continuing it at our friend M's birthday party tn, but he can;t go anymore. So idk we'll see how the rest of the summer goes.

[Madeleine_357]

On 6/27/2023 at 8:18 AM, Catsup said:

Hey there, I think that's a very fair way to deal with things.  And that's really good to know that you are still on good terms with your other friends--it makes sense that you would be!  How are you feeling about your plan to ignore him?

also now apparently he also shuts down whenever I am mentioned in a convo and I'm not around? Just like I do?

[Catsup]

10 hours ago, Madeleine_357 said:

also now apparently he also shuts down whenever I am mentioned in a convo and I'm not around? Just like I do?

Hi there, it looks like you have been sticking to your plan of ignoring him, and I wonder if you're able to mentally detach from things as well?  It is one thing to act like you are not interested, but it is another to be able to truly not pay attention to him and focus on everything else in your life instead.  What do you think you want from the situation with him at this point?

[Madeleine_357]

3 hours ago, Catsup said:

Hi there, it looks like you have been sticking to your plan of ignoring him, and I wonder if you're able to mentally detach from things as well?  It is one thing to act like you are not interested, but it is another to be able to truly not pay attention to him and focus on everything else in your life instead.  What do you think you want from the situation with him at this point?

I honestly don't know. I just want things to either officially end, or for things to be fixed. I don't know if either of those are an option at this point. I honestly thought I was over this but I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I will still be his friend, but if he doesn't cooperate, I'm done I guess?

[Madeleine_357]

7 hours ago, Catsup said:

Hi there, it looks like you have been sticking to your plan of ignoring him, and I wonder if you're able to mentally detach from things as well?  It is one thing to act like you are not interested, but it is another to be able to truly not pay attention to him and focus on everything else in your life instead.  What do you think you want from the situation with him at this point?

also things with him and the other girl didn;t work out.

[Catsup]

On 7/10/2023 at 3:21 PM, Madeleine_357 said:

I honestly don't know. I just want things to either officially end, or for things to be fixed. I don't know if either of those are an option at this point. I honestly thought I was over this but I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I will still be his friend, but if he doesn't cooperate, I'm done I guess?

It sounds like in the past you have tried several times to have open communication with him.  If possible, it might make sense to try not to read too much into him and have some healthy distance, since this has been affecting you a lot.  What do you think about keeping that emotional distance? You can certainly still be civil and respectful with him.

Also, it's okay to not be over things yet.  Sometimes healing from a complicated situation takes some time, and even if you know what to do, it can still be difficult.  What can you do to take care of yourself at this time?  Ultimately, it's really important to not forget about your well-being in all this.  You definitely deserve healthy friendships and good mental health.

[Madeleine_357]

On 7/12/2023 at 8:34 AM, Catsup said:

It sounds like in the past you have tried several times to have open communication with him.  If possible, it might make sense to try not to read too much into him and have some healthy distance, since this has been affecting you a lot.  What do you think about keeping that emotional distance? You can certainly still be civil and respectful with him.

Also, it's okay to not be over things yet.  Sometimes healing from a complicated situation takes some time, and even if you know what to do, it can still be difficult.  What can you do to take care of yourself at this time?  Ultimately, it's really important to not forget about your well-being in all this.  You definitely deserve healthy friendships and good mental health.

Yeah I'm going to try not to focus that much on it, and just be normal with him.

[Catsup]

22 hours ago, Madeleine_357 said:

Yeah I'm going to try not to focus that much on it, and just be normal with him.

That makes sense.  Feel free to reach out any time for more support if you need. :)

[Madeleine_357]

4 hours ago, Catsup said:

That makes sense.  Feel free to reach out any time for more support if you need. :)

thank you :)