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What counts as transphobic?


Zach Cant Focus    

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2 years ago i came out to my parents as trans. they sort of just pushed me back into the closet. they just decided for me that i was going to grow out of it without totally denying the idea. they said that we would talk about it later and later never came. i felt like maybe if i needed to or if i had had enough i could come out again and maybe they would have came around since they saw my transness continued until around november when my dad started making some comments about trans people. stuff like the idea that its a trend and a bandwagon thing because he says "no one [who is liberal] listens to cis white people anymore" and that and unproportional amount of trans people are white (this isnt true btw i can link i source that says otherwise if you want). (my parents are generally leftist) he said that in the liberal community were (unconsciously) identifying as trans just to get their opinions heard in liberal spaces. he said that some trans people were valid but not most. he never said anything about trans people before my coming out. he also said all of this when i was literally sitting across the table from him. in december he said more of the same but to my grandparents, who were like "wow i didnt realize". when my mom tried to contest his points his response was "this is why all of your kids are coming out to you as trans" which made her stop talking. but i was right fucking there. he was talking about me while i was literally fucking right there.

im just wondering if im able to say i have "transphobic parents". its not like they disowned me or anything or even dislike all trans people so im not sure.

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12 hours ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

2 years ago i came out to my parents as trans. they sort of just pushed me back into the closet. they just decided for me that i was going to grow out of it without totally denying the idea. they said that we would talk about it later and later never came. i felt like maybe if i needed to or if i had had enough i could come out again and maybe they would have came around since they saw my transness continued until around november when my dad started making some comments about trans people. stuff like the idea that its a trend and a bandwagon thing because he says "no one [who is liberal] listens to cis white people anymore" and that and unproportional amount of trans people are white (this isnt true btw i can link i source that says otherwise if you want). (my parents are generally leftist) he said that in the liberal community were (unconsciously) identifying as trans just to get their opinions heard in liberal spaces. he said that some trans people were valid but not most. he never said anything about trans people before my coming out. he also said all of this when i was literally sitting across the table from him. in december he said more of the same but to my grandparents, who were like "wow i didnt realize". when my mom tried to contest his points his response was "this is why all of your kids are coming out to you as trans" which made her stop talking. but i was right fucking there. he was talking about me while i was literally fucking right there.

im just wondering if im able to say i have "transphobic parents". its not like they disowned me or anything or even dislike all trans people so im not sure.

Hi I'm Catsup, a support mentor here.  I'm sorry to hear that your parents have not been completely supportive since you have come out to them as trans.  It sounds like your mom attempted to correct your dad at one point around his views on trans people, but that your dad has some pretty strong beliefs about things.  In my opinion, you could say they are being transphobic, even though it is more subtle than how people are used to thinking of transphobia.

Your parents are certainly not 100% supportive of the trans community, but there are opportunities for change as they begin to recognize that this is who you are.  In that sense, do you think it might be more helpful to label their behavior as transphobic, rather than label them as "transphobic parents"?  Either way, even though you were never disowned, this is still difficult for you and a very valid struggle you are going through.

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19 minutes ago, Catsup said:

Hi I'm Catsup, a support mentor here.  I'm sorry to hear that your parents have not been completely supportive since you have come out to them as trans.  It sounds like your mom attempted to correct your dad at one point around his views on trans people, but that your dad has some pretty strong beliefs about things.  In my opinion, you could say they are being transphobic, even though it is more subtle than how people are used to thinking of transphobia.

Your parents are certainly not 100% supportive of the trans community, but there are opportunities for change as they begin to recognize that this is who you are.  In that sense, do you think it might be more helpful to label their behavior as transphobic, rather than label them as "transphobic parents"?  Either way, even though you were never disowned, this is still difficult for you and a very valid struggle you are going through.

Itmight make more sense to say that they do transphobic things. My mom probably  doesnt deserve to be labeled as transphobic. She has tried to talk to me about it a couple of times between the coming out and now. my dad im not really sure about. i almost feel responsible for it honestly, he never said anything bad about trans people before i came out and now he says this stuff and now he's "turned" my grandparents. i know that they said they were doing "research" after i came out (still not really sure what this was, i wasnt in the room) but its what made them come to the conclusion that i would grow out of it (what they said originally was that a lot of other people were saying they were trans around this time [pandemic] and that i probably would too. they also said that it was because of what i had seen online and decided i wasnt allowed to watch youtube). i know its silly because im not responsible for the actions of other people, no less adults, but i almost feel like its my fault for coming out that they act like this. they never said anything like that before hand and afterwards i dont know what they found while "researching" but im worried about the source that they found first was transphobic (they didnt spend a long time researching, 10-20 minutes) and that i caused their views and then they "turned" my grandparents too.

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20 minutes ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

Itmight make more sense to say that they do transphobic things. My mom probably  doesnt deserve to be labeled as transphobic. She has tried to talk to me about it a couple of times between the coming out and now. my dad im not really sure about. i almost feel responsible for it honestly, he never said anything bad about trans people before i came out and now he says this stuff and now he's "turned" my grandparents. i know that they said they were doing "research" after i came out (still not really sure what this was, i wasnt in the room) but its what made them come to the conclusion that i would grow out of it (what they said originally was that a lot of other people were saying they were trans around this time [pandemic] and that i probably would too. they also said that it was because of what i had seen online and decided i wasnt allowed to watch youtube). i know its silly because im not responsible for the actions of other people, no less adults, but i almost feel like its my fault for coming out that they act like this. they never said anything like that before hand and afterwards i dont know what they found while "researching" but im worried about the source that they found first was transphobic (they didnt spend a long time researching, 10-20 minutes) and that i caused their views and then they "turned" my grandparents too.

Hi, like you said, you are not responsible for other peoples' actions and this is definitely not your fault.  It is hard to predict how people will react to things sometimes, and you came out to your parents with the information you had at the time.  It does sound like they have done some research that has not been too helpful, and I wonder if you would want to help them find other research? 

There is all sorts of transphobic "information" on the internet, but at the end of the day, being trans is a personal and real experience for people.  How do you think your dad might react to you explaining how his comments are hurtful towards you?

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1 hour ago, Catsup said:

Hi, like you said, you are not responsible for other peoples' actions and this is definitely not your fault.  It is hard to predict how people will react to things sometimes, and you came out to your parents with the information you had at the time.  It does sound like they have done some research that has not been too helpful, and I wonder if you would want to help them find other research? 

There is all sorts of transphobic "information" on the internet, but at the end of the day, being trans is a personal and real experience for people.  How do you think your dad might react to you explaining how his comments are hurtful towards you?

I dont feel comfortable doing that

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20 hours ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

I dont feel comfortable doing that

Hi there, that makes sense that you would not want to have that conversation with your dad.  I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation, but it's definitely not your fault.  I do hope that time will be what your dad needs to see that this is not just a phase, and that you can find more support in other places in the meantime, such as this community or maybe other people in your life too.

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