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Coming out to my mother


Phip    

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Hi I’m a 16 year old male and I want to come out as bi to my mother. a few years ago I distinctly remember her saying if I was queer she would disown me but recently in the last year she has changed her attitude saying that instead she would worry for me even more due to the hate crimes committed against folk in the lgbtqia+ And I just want some input from other people on if it’s a good idea.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hi @Phip

Welcome to Ditch the Label.

My name is Duckie and I'm one of the support mentors here. Thank you for sharing this with us. With society slowly moving towards acceptance, your mother might have moved towards acceptance herself. I can tell that you care a lot about her and that she cares a lot about you. To me it sounds really positive that she's moved from talking about disowning you to saying she would worry about you. Has she said anything else that says anything about her general attitude towards LGBTQIA+ people? Do you think it would be safe for you to come out to her? Do you have any siblings or mutual close contacts or relatives that you could ask for advise? It might feel good to get some input from people that also know your mother. What do you think?

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  • 1 month later...
On 6/19/2023 at 4:04 PM, Duckie said:

Hi @Phip

Welcome to Ditch the Label.

My name is Duckie and I'm one of the support mentors here. Thank you for sharing this with us. With society slowly moving towards acceptance, your mother might have moved towards acceptance herself. I can tell that you care a lot about her and that she cares a lot about you. To me it sounds really positive that she's moved from talking about disowning you to saying she would worry about you. Has she said anything else that says anything about her general attitude towards LGBTQIA+ people? Do you think it would be safe for you to come out to her? Do you have any siblings or mutual close contacts or relatives that you could ask for advise? It might feel good to get some input from people that also know your mother. What do you think?

Sorry it took me a while I kind of forgot about this site but I’m still in the same mindset and I’ve since learned that my mother is more indifferent about the LGBTQIA+ community but doesn’t support it I do have my sister who is pan but has yet to even consider coming out to our mother and doesn’t need to worry about it as she has fallen in love with a man (I’m happy for her) I’ve also told my mother about some friends of mine that are queer and she actively disapproves of me hanging out with them out of fear of them “turning me gay” that’s about it though for people I know I can go too for help but I still really want to tell her as I hate keeping something like this from her but I’m still scared she will do something drastic

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16 hours ago, Phip said:

Sorry it took me a while I kind of forgot about this site but I’m still in the same mindset and I’ve since learned that my mother is more indifferent about the LGBTQIA+ community but doesn’t support it I do have my sister who is pan but has yet to even consider coming out to our mother and doesn’t need to worry about it as she has fallen in love with a man (I’m happy for her) I’ve also told my mother about some friends of mine that are queer and she actively disapproves of me hanging out with them out of fear of them “turning me gay” that’s about it though for people I know I can go too for help but I still really want to tell her as I hate keeping something like this from her but I’m still scared she will do something drastic

Hi @Phip

Good to hear from you again. Please don't feel like you have to reply within a certain amount of hours/days etc. We're all here anyway so it's more for when you feel you want to chat. Remember that we also offer confidential support if you would prefer to discuss this privately.

It is a bit concerning that your mother things certain people can "turn you gay". It implies that being gay, bi or anything other than heterosexual is a choice and we know this is simply not true. For you and your sister's sake I wouldn't want either of you to get in trouble for coming out to your mother until you're sure it would be safe to do so. Is there someone else that you could both come out to? It sounds like you have already come out to each other, is that right to assume? If so, this is really good. I think your sister can be a great source of support, knowing what it's like. Is there someone you trust that also knows your mother? I'm asking this, because it might help give more clear insight in how your mother might take it and how to say it in a way that feels digestible for her. Like an auntie or cousin for example. What do you think?

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4 hours ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Phip

Good to hear from you again. Please don't feel like you have to reply within a certain amount of hours/days etc. We're all here anyway so it's more for when you feel you want to chat. Remember that we also offer confidential support if you would prefer to discuss this privately.

It is a bit concerning that your mother things certain people can "turn you gay". It implies that being gay, bi or anything other than heterosexual is a choice and we know this is simply not true. For you and your sister's sake I wouldn't want either of you to get in trouble for coming out to your mother until you're sure it would be safe to do so. Is there someone else that you could both come out to? It sounds like you have already come out to each other, is that right to assume? If so, this is really good. I think your sister can be a great source of support, knowing what it's like. Is there someone you trust that also knows your mother? I'm asking this, because it might help give more clear insight in how your mother might take it and how to say it in a way that feels digestible for her. Like an auntie or cousin for example. What do you think?

Yes me and my sister have come out to each and unfortunately no there is no one else that either of us feel comfortable coming out to in our family as pretty much all of them are either indifferent but doesn’t support outwardly against the LGBTQIA+ community it doesn’t help that my mother is rather old being on the old side of gen X so she doesn’t understand it and most conversations fall under the category of her “wishing it was like it was in the old days”

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10 hours ago, Phip said:

Yes me and my sister have come out to each and unfortunately no there is no one else that either of us feel comfortable coming out to in our family as pretty much all of them are either indifferent but doesn’t support outwardly against the LGBTQIA+ community it doesn’t help that my mother is rather old being on the old side of gen X so she doesn’t understand it and most conversations fall under the category of her “wishing it was like it was in the old days”

Hi @Phip,

Yes, it certainly sounds like your mother wouldn't be ready to handle this conversation, which is a shame because it means you and your sister have to keep it a secret for now, and that can be a heavy burden to carry. It's so good that you and your sister have each other to lean on though. Are you and her close? How is your relationship with your mother otherwise? 

Have you come out to your friends or any other people besides your sister?

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On 8/8/2023 at 5:31 AM, Duckie said:

Hi @Phip,

Yes, it certainly sounds like your mother wouldn't be ready to handle this conversation, which is a shame because it means you and your sister have to keep it a secret for now, and that can be a heavy burden to carry. It's so good that you and your sister have each other to lean on though. Are you and her close? How is your relationship with your mother otherwise? 

Have you come out to your friends or any other people besides your sister?

My sister does suffer from bipolar so some days she gets mad at me easily but otherwise we are pretty close as for my mother some and her are pretty close as she is my only available parent and I’ve come out to I’m pretty sure all of my close friends and they all support me which makes me very happy a good chunk of them are queer which helps

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On 8/11/2023 at 3:08 AM, Phip said:

My sister does suffer from bipolar so some days she gets mad at me easily but otherwise we are pretty close as for my mother some and her are pretty close as she is my only available parent and I’ve come out to I’m pretty sure all of my close friends and they all support me which makes me very happy a good chunk of them are queer which helps

Hi,

How have you been? It sounds like you have a good community around you. Do you know about their coming out stories to friends and family? Are you able to talk to them about what you're going through with your family?

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