i turned my healthiest relationship toxic and i want to do better

[n0yaprint]

about a year and a half ago, i got into the healthiest and happiest relationship i've ever been in. i never felt better about everything and just being in that relationship bettered me so much as a person, but i fear it made me dependent on them, basically obsessive. so when my life started to turn out really badly such as my parents divorce, other family issues, issues about my identity, and over a large umbrella of many smaller issues, i turned to anything i needed for help and that caused me to start to lash out at the smallest things. since i felt dependent on my s/o for everything, i'm not sure why i expected them to be hand and foot catering to my every need. and when they didn't and actually lived their life like a normal person, i would lash out at them because i was jealous and wanted attention. but when i say i lashed out, i mean really badly lashed out. as in calling them toxic names, insulting the people around them, insulting them, etc etc and wanting them to feel sorry for everything. but this morning i said something that broke the final straw, something that i don't want to talk about. honestly , i do 100% understand them if they wanted to break up with me, but they didn't. instead, we decided  to go on break until august 1st. i'm gonna be sad i can't spend the summer with them, but i know it's for the better because i want to better myself for them. i truly care for them and i would have never wanted to intoxicate this relationship this badly. they have been nothing but caring an understanding towards me and although i'm going to miss them for the next month and a half, i know it's for the better of both of us. i want to change myself, improve my mental health so i can have a healthy life and relationship overral. but i don't really know where to start so i came here. and i know this entire thing sounds so horrible and i agree what i did was unforgivable n not okay at all, but i'm not asking for a apology. i just want to know where to start so i can start to better myself. though i will miss them, i know it will be for the better and it is only temporary. but for now, i need help and i'm not sure on how to get it, where to get it, or where to start.

[Luie]

On 6/10/2023 at 7:56 AM, n0yaprint said:

about a year and a half ago, i got into the healthiest and happiest relationship i've ever been in. i never felt better about everything and just being in that relationship bettered me so much as a person, but i fear it made me dependent on them, basically obsessive. so when my life started to turn out really badly such as my parents divorce, other family issues, issues about my identity, and over a large umbrella of many smaller issues, i turned to anything i needed for help and that caused me to start to lash out at the smallest things. since i felt dependent on my s/o for everything, i'm not sure why i expected them to be hand and foot catering to my every need. and when they didn't and actually lived their life like a normal person, i would lash out at them because i was jealous and wanted attention. but when i say i lashed out, i mean really badly lashed out. as in calling them toxic names, insulting the people around them, insulting them, etc etc and wanting them to feel sorry for everything. but this morning i said something that broke the final straw, something that i don't want to talk about. honestly , i do 100% understand them if they wanted to break up with me, but they didn't. instead, we decided  to go on break until august 1st. i'm gonna be sad i can't spend the summer with them, but i know it's for the better because i want to better myself for them. i truly care for them and i would have never wanted to intoxicate this relationship this badly. they have been nothing but caring an understanding towards me and although i'm going to miss them for the next month and a half, i know it's for the better of both of us. i want to change myself, improve my mental health so i can have a healthy life and relationship overral. but i don't really know where to start so i came here. and i know this entire thing sounds so horrible and i agree what i did was unforgivable n not okay at all, but i'm not asking for a apology. i just want to know where to start so i can start to better myself. though i will miss them, i know it will be for the better and it is only temporary. but for now, i need help and i'm not sure on how to get it, where to get it, or where to start.

Heyy @n0yaprint, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label.  I see that you're new to our platform and I wanted to say a massive welcome! Super awesome having you join our community. You can start conversations like this or even join other topics on the forums option. We also offer one to one support if you'd prefer that, if you click on 'Confidential Support' in the top bar next to blogs, you can send a request and one of the support mentors will get back to you. I see that you've already sent us a CS request which I have responded to.