Dad going to jail

[Persephone44]

So my dad has been drinking for a long time, he had a 3-year period where he was sober but his ex-girlfriend introduced him to drinking again thinking she could "contain" his drinking reflex, and his dopamine hit, no idea why she thought she could do this but she did. So fast forward a lil, he went to detox without telling anyone so he was missing for pretty much a week. a month or two later he went to rehab for two months, which failed and he went back to drinking. Let's fast forward...10 months. I went to friends to hang out, etc, etc, and when he was supposed to pick me up he wasn't there, I contacted him over and over, eventually, they drove me home and my dad wasn't there, I waited for 30 min until I contacted my mom, just in case he was running errands, idk. Fast forward an hour, my mom picked me up from my neighbor's house cause she didn't want me home alone, etc. And guess what!? My dad was in jail. yadda, fast forward 2 months, in 6weeks-2 months my dad will be going to jail for a straight 60 days or 90 days work release. And we are NOT financially stable enough for 60 days so he's gonna do 90. And Im reaching out b/c my friends won't/can't support me and I need people who can. Thanks.

[Aurora]

11 hours ago, Camelliaflower said:

So my dad has been drinking for a long time, he had a 3-year period where he was sober but his ex-girlfriend introduced him to drinking again thinking she could "contain" his drinking reflex, and his dopamine hit, no idea why she thought she could do this but she did. So fast forward a lil, he went to detox without telling anyone so he was missing for pretty much a week. a month or two later he went to rehab for two months, which failed and he went back to drinking. Let's fast forward...10 months. I went to friends to hang out, etc, etc, and when he was supposed to pick me up he wasn't there, I contacted him over and over, eventually, they drove me home and my dad wasn't there, I waited for 30 min until I contacted my mom, just in case he was running errands, idk. Fast forward an hour, my mom picked me up from my neighbor's house cause she didn't want me home alone, etc. And guess what!? My dad was in jail. yadda, fast forward 2 months, in 6weeks-2 months my dad will be going to jail for a straight 60 days or 90 days work release. And we are NOT financially stable enough for 60 days so he's gonna do 90. And Im reaching out b/c my friends won't/can't support me and I need people who can. Thanks.

Hi @Camelliaflower, thank you so much for reaching out. I'm really sorry to hear that your friends won't/can't support you. That's really tough, especially as this is a time when you could really do with some support. It sounds like there has been a lot going on for you, not only the last few months but the last few years. I would imagine that the whole situation is a big worry for you (and your family). Do you mind me asking, are your parents separated (you mentioned your dad's ex-girlfriend) and do you live with your dad? Would you like to tell me a bit more about how you are feeling and how you are coping with everything that's going on for you at the moment? If you would prefer to talk about this confidentially then you can send us a confidential message via the confidential support tab at the top of the page. Please know that you are not alone. We are here for you and can support your through this difficult time

[Persephone44]

2 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi @Camelliaflower, thank you so much for reaching out. I'm really sorry to hear that your friends won't/can't support you. That's really tough, especially as this is a time when you could really do with some support. It sounds like there has been a lot going on for you, not only the last few months but the last few years. I would imagine that the whole situation is a big worry for you (and your family). Do you mind me asking, are your parents separated (you mentioned your dad's ex-girlfriend) and do you live with your dad? Would you like to tell me a bit more about how you are feeling and how you are coping with everything that's going on for you at the moment? If you would prefer to talk about this confidentially then you can send us a confidential message via the confidential support tab at the top of the page. Please know that you are not alone. We are here for you and can support your through this difficult time

My parents are separated and have been since I was 9 months old (I think, it was 9 months or 3 months), I live half-time with both parents, switching every Monday. Right now I guess I'm coping with it by supporting my dad and going to the gym a lot, pushing my body.  I feel pretty betrayed still even though it's been a while since I and my dad last talked about it. I guess it was also rough to have one of my friends see what happened and not reach out or anything, especially since I'm always there for all of my friends. But I am grateful my dad didn't get hurt or anything. Thank you, that means a lot.

[Aurora]

20 hours ago, Persephone44 said:

My parents are separated and have been since I was 9 months old (I think, it was 9 months or 3 months), I live half-time with both parents, switching every Monday. Right now I guess I'm coping with it by supporting my dad and going to the gym a lot, pushing my body.  I feel pretty betrayed still even though it's been a while since I and my dad last talked about it. I guess it was also rough to have one of my friends see what happened and not reach out or anything, especially since I'm always there for all of my friends. But I am grateful my dad didn't get hurt or anything. Thank you, that means a lot.

Thank you for explaining your situation a bit better. I'm really sorry that you have to take on so much at the moment. And I would imagine you don't really have anyone who can relate to what you're going through. Is that right? I noticed that you said that you are supporting your dad. I'm just wondering, what  you mean by that? Also, can I ask, when your Dad goes to prison, will you be staying at your mom's full time? If so, how do you feel about that?

I can understand why you would feel betrayed by your friend. It sounds like they've not there for you, when you need them. Do you think it would help if you spoke to them about how you are feeling upset that they are not there for you? What do you think would be the best and what would be the worst outcome if you spoke to them? 

[Persephone44]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

Thank you for explaining your situation a bit better. I'm really sorry that you have to take on so much at the moment. And I would imagine you don't really have anyone who can relate to what you're going through. Is that right? I noticed that you said that you are supporting your dad. I'm just wondering, what  you mean by that? Also, can I ask, when your Dad goes to prison, will you be staying at your mom's full time? If so, how do you feel about that?

I can understand why you would feel betrayed by your friend. It sounds like they've not there for you, when you need them. Do you think it would help if you spoke to them about how you are feeling upset that they are not there for you? What do you think would be the best and what would be the worst outcome if you spoke to them? 

unfortunately yes.  I dont know, I guess I also feel like Im trying to help him and get him to help himself. Yes, I would be staying with my mom, I kinda have mixed feelings because when my dad went to rehab and I had to stay at my mom's for a while it was a rough beginning but we ended up strengthening our bond.

Yes, I do believe It could help, But they are also this person who doesn't like confrontation, especially when it's about her. The best outcome would be that she realized I need support and starts supporting me and the worst would be I get Ignored completely

[Aurora]

23 hours ago, Persephone44 said:

unfortunately yes.  I dont know, I guess I also feel like Im trying to help him and get him to help himself. Yes, I would be staying with my mom, I kinda have mixed feelings because when my dad went to rehab and I had to stay at my mom's for a while it was a rough beginning but we ended up strengthening our bond.

Yes, I do believe It could help, But they are also this person who doesn't like confrontation, especially when it's about her. The best outcome would be that she realized I need support and starts supporting me and the worst would be I get Ignored completely

It's nice to hear that you ended up strengthening your bond. I can understand though why you have mixed feelings if it was rough at the beginning. Do you think it will be different this time, because you have a stronger bond now? Is there anything you think that would help?

It's really nice that you are trying to help your dad and get him to help himself but I'm a bit worried that this might be having an impact on your own wellbeing. It's a lot for you to take on and it doesn't sound like you are getting much support yourself. What do you think? Do you mind me asking, if you've been getting any support from your mom with regards to your Dad going to prison? 

I know what you mean, it can be tricky to talk to someone who doesn't like confrontation and might be offended easily.  What I find helpful in these situations is to try and avoid placing blame and instead letting the other person know how we're feeling from our perspective. What I mean by this is rather than saying things like "you weren't there for me when I needed you", mention things from your perspective eg "I feel really alone at the moment and could do with some support" or "I got upset, when....." Like this the other person is less likely to feel attacked and might be more open to listen to what we have to say. Do you think that might work?

[Persephone44]

38 minutes ago, Aurora said:

It's nice to hear that you ended up strengthening your bond. I can understand though why you have mixed feelings if it was rough at the beginning. Do you think it will be different this time, because you have a stronger bond now? Is there anything you think that would help?

It's really nice that you are trying to help your dad and get him to help himself but I'm a bit worried that this might be having an impact on your own wellbeing. It's a lot for you to take on and it doesn't sound like you are getting much support yourself. What do you think? Do you mind me asking, if you've been getting any support from your mom with regards to your Dad going to prison? 

I know what you mean, it can be tricky to talk to someone who doesn't like confrontation and might be offended easily.  What I find helpful in these situations is to try and avoid placing blame and instead letting the other person know how we're feeling from our perspective. What I mean by this is rather than saying things like "you weren't there for me when I needed you", mention things from your perspective eg "I feel really alone at the moment and could do with some support" or "I got upset, when....." Like this the other person is less likely to feel attacked and might be more open to listen to what we have to say. Do you think that might work?

I think that it could help maybe. Probably just listening to them and hanging out in my room.

I think that I agree with you, my therapist and school counselor told me the exact same thing. A little, but she is really pushy and nosy at times so I try to avoid my dad just in general, also my stepdad hates talking/hearing about my dad unless he is saying something negative.

Yes, I do. Thank you. I haven't really been brainstorming Ideas cause I have two teachers I talk to about support, etc. But I do think since school is ending I need to find some more support.

[Aurora]

On 5/17/2023 at 1:15 PM, Persephone44 said:

I think that it could help maybe. Probably just listening to them and hanging out in my room.

I think that I agree with you, my therapist and school counselor told me the exact same thing. A little, but she is really pushy and nosy at times so I try to avoid my dad just in general, also my stepdad hates talking/hearing about my dad unless he is saying something negative.

Yes, I do. Thank you. I haven't really been brainstorming Ideas cause I have two teachers I talk to about support, etc. But I do think since school is ending I need to find some more support.

I hope it goes well if you decide to speak to your friends. We're here for you if you want to keep us posted on how it goes. 

I'm glad to hear you've been speaking to your therapist, school counsellor and two teachers at school. It sounds like you have a lot of support when you're in school but as you said it might be a good idea to look for additional support for the holidays. Especially as that will probably be the time that your Dad has to go to prison, is that right? 

Do you think it would be helpful to have an honest conversation with your mom about how you are feeling about living with them full time? Maybe you could mention that you felt like last time it really strengthened your bond and that you would like this to happen again this time. But that there are some thing that make you uncomfortable, eg when you feel like she is nosy or pushy. How do you think she would react if you told her this?  

[Persephone44]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

I hope it goes well if you decide to speak to your friends. We're here for you if you want to keep us posted on how it goes. 

I'm glad to hear you've been speaking to your therapist, school counsellor and two teachers at school. It sounds like you have a lot of support when you're in school but as you said it might be a good idea to look for additional support for the holidays. Especially as that will probably be the time that your Dad has to go to prison, is that right? 

Do you think it would be helpful to have an honest conversation with your mom about how you are feeling about living with them full time? Maybe you could mention that you felt like last time it really strengthened your bond and that you would like this to happen again this time. But that there are some thing that make you uncomfortable, eg when you feel like she is nosy or pushy. How do you think she would react if you told her this?  

I will!

yeah, either over the summer or right when school starts

I think it might be helpful, but I doubt she would react positively

[Aurora]

On 5/19/2023 at 1:10 PM, Persephone44 said:

I will!

yeah, either over the summer or right when school starts

I think it might be helpful, but I doubt she would react positively

Why do you think that is (if you don't mind me asking) and how do you think she will react? 

I was just thinking about other support that might be available to you over the summer... Do you maybe have any other family members, who you get on well with, who you could reach out to if you feel like you could do with some support? 

[Persephone44]

59 minutes ago, Aurora said:

Why do you think that is (if you don't mind me asking) and how do you think she will react? 

I was just thinking about other support that might be available to you over the summer... Do you maybe have any other family members, who you get on well with, who you could reach out to if you feel like you could do with some support? 

I think she will react ok at first but she doesn't like talking about my dad much and will be busy (we are selling our house) and it might frustrate her.

yeah, my grand aunt has always been really really supportive of what I do

[Aurora]

23 hours ago, Persephone44 said:

I think she will react ok at first but she doesn't like talking about my dad much and will be busy (we are selling our house) and it might frustrate her.

yeah, my grand aunt has always been really really supportive of what I do

In that case, do you think it would be helpful to keep the conversation short and just told her the main point (or two) that you would like to get across? 

I'm really glad to hear you've got your great aunt to talk to. It's lovely to hear that she is really supportive of what you do. Can I ask how often you get to see her/talk to her? 

I saw your post about taking a break from DTL for two months over the summer. Do you mind me asking, will you still have the option to log on if you feel like you could do with a bit of extra support?