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I am very confused


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Hi, I'm new here. I'm a girl and I'm 20-years-old.

To be honest I never really payed that much attention to my sexuality in my life, I just assumed I was heterosexual because I did find boys attractive and it was what I thought was normal back then.

I had a few boy crushes in high school, but I just couldn't bring myself to imagine what it would be like to be together, and everytime they came close to me (emotionally) I found myself dreading the situation. I also went on a date with a guy from college a few days ago and as soon as I got there I wanted to leave. He took my hand and I was sure I definitely was not happy. At least for me, it was awkward. I don't know if this is important or not, I'm just very confused.

I've also had periods of my life when I seriously questioned my sexuality, mostly after looking at lesbian couples and finding them absolutely heartwarming. The first time it happened I was around the age of 15, and I dismissed by telling myself I just accepted and respected homosexuality. It kept happening though, again and again, through the years.

I know I think of both men and women as attractive, but I've never really been in love, or liked someone enough to feel like I want to be in a relationship with them. It's not like I don't want to be in a relationship or something like that, it's just that nobody has ever made me feel that much emotion, talking about romance.

Then again, this is not that much of an emotional problem for me, because I have an accepting family and even though I'm religious I don't believe in damnation to those who are not straight (I'll be fine no matter the conclusion), but I'm really confused about this and I want to hear some opinions, because all my close friends are straight and have never questioned their own sexuality.

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Hi JulietteLomeli,


Thank you! Welcome!


You're definitely not alone in starting to explore/question your sexuality later in life. Some points in our life aren't the right time-- but as you're looking into companionship and intimacy with people, now seems to be good!


It sounds like there are worries around intimacy, in general. You described not feeling comfortable with the person you had a date with, the other day... what could have been done to help you feel more relaxed? What were you worried might happen? It didn't sound like you had the opportunity to exercise consent.


Once any intimacy "issues" are addressed and worked on, then it should be easier to engage with whoever you want to.


It might be that it's down to the person's character/personality, versus their gender, that you're drawn to-- which is why you might feel some comfort about engaging with males.


I think that the key to 'romance' is trust. Trust comes from communication and honesty and follow-through/commitment. Sure, someone might come into my life and I can feel attraction with them, and we might have chemistry... but it's a discussion between the two people to decide what to do with the chemistry. It's better not to be carried away with feelings of 'falling in love'... because that's not how relationships become sustainable!


Maybe you're not completely "straight"-- and it's okay to start at just that. No need to seek a label... just feel comfortable exploring! Here's an article that's such a reminder:





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