Lynn C. Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 This is my first post, and I'm going to cut right to the chase. I've been questioning my sexuality for almost 4 years now, at varying degrees of intensity, and I feel as though I've made zero progress. I still have no idea who I am. I had never had a crush or anything like one until I was 15, when I started liking my best friend, and during the year I liked her I considered myself a lesbian. But at this point I don't know if that was even real or what it felt like. I'm now 18, and that was the only "crush" I've ever had. So of course I started to wonder if I was grayromantic or something else on the aro spectrum, but I don't even know. At this point it's impossible for me to figure out what I want and don't want because every time I experience a thought or emotion, my first reaction is to question it, asking myself if I really think/feel that or if I simply want to feel it. And then I immediately question that question, wondering if I'm trying to reverse psychology my way into believing something that isn't accurate to how I really feel. I feel like nothing I think or feel is real anymore. It's like there's a constant war inside my mind, with doubt and uncertainty fueling it. What makes this harder is that I don't even understand what it feels like to have a crush on someone. Maybe I knew this at one point, but I certainly don't anymore. If I at least knew how to identify the symptoms of attraction, it would be easier to determine if I'm feeling them or not. But both my friends and the Internet say that you can tell if you have a crush because "you just know." So I don't know if I'm actually on the aromantic spectrum or if I just haven't met the right person yet. Anytime I feel confident in a label, it only lasts a moment, because my mind swoops in and says, "well, how can you really know that?" Sorry for how long and confusing this is, I hope anyone reading this can find some sense. I just have had these constant thoughts for a long time now and no one to talk about them with, and it gets sort of bottled up. And finally, I totally understand that finding yourself should not be a rush and it doesn't really matter who you are, but for whatever reason this is a constant fixture of confusion and distress in my mind. Thank you for your time, dear Internet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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