Hopelessly confused

[Lynn C.]

This is my first post, and I'm going to cut right to the chase. I've been questioning my sexuality for almost 4 years now, at varying degrees of intensity, and I feel as though I've made zero progress. I still have no idea who I am. I had never had a crush or anything like one until I was 15, when I started liking my best friend, and during the year I liked her I considered myself a lesbian. But at this point I don't know if that was even real or what it felt like. I'm now 18, and that was the only "crush" I've ever had. So of course I started to wonder if I was grayromantic or something else on the aro spectrum, but I don't even know. At this point it's impossible for me to figure out what I want and don't want because every time I experience a thought or emotion, my first reaction is to question it, asking myself if I really think/feel that or if I simply want to feel it. And then I immediately question that question, wondering if I'm trying to reverse psychology my way into believing something that isn't accurate to how I really feel. I feel like nothing I think or feel is real anymore. It's like there's a constant war inside my mind, with doubt and uncertainty fueling it. What makes this harder is that I don't even understand what it feels like to have a crush on someone. Maybe I knew this at one point, but I certainly don't anymore. If I at least knew how to identify the symptoms of attraction, it would be easier to determine if I'm feeling them or not. But both my friends and the Internet say that you can tell if you have a crush because "you just know." So I don't know if I'm actually on the aromantic spectrum or if I just haven't met the right person yet. Anytime I feel confident in a label, it only lasts a moment, because my mind swoops in and says, "well, how can you really know that?" Sorry for how long and confusing this is, I hope anyone reading this can find some sense. I just have had these constant thoughts for a long time now and no one to talk about them with, and it gets sort of bottled up. And finally, I totally understand that finding yourself should not be a rush and it doesn't really matter who you are, but for whatever reason this is a constant fixture of confusion and distress in my mind. Thank you for your time, dear Internet

[Aurora]

11 hours ago, Lynn C. said:

This is my first post, and I'm going to cut right to the chase. I've been questioning my sexuality for almost 4 years now, at varying degrees of intensity, and I feel as though I've made zero progress. I still have no idea who I am. I had never had a crush or anything like one until I was 15, when I started liking my best friend, and during the year I liked her I considered myself a lesbian. But at this point I don't know if that was even real or what it felt like. I'm now 18, and that was the only "crush" I've ever had. So of course I started to wonder if I was grayromantic or something else on the aro spectrum, but I don't even know. At this point it's impossible for me to figure out what I want and don't want because every time I experience a thought or emotion, my first reaction is to question it, asking myself if I really think/feel that or if I simply want to feel it. And then I immediately question that question, wondering if I'm trying to reverse psychology my way into believing something that isn't accurate to how I really feel. I feel like nothing I think or feel is real anymore. It's like there's a constant war inside my mind, with doubt and uncertainty fueling it. What makes this harder is that I don't even understand what it feels like to have a crush on someone. Maybe I knew this at one point, but I certainly don't anymore. If I at least knew how to identify the symptoms of attraction, it would be easier to determine if I'm feeling them or not. But both my friends and the Internet say that you can tell if you have a crush because "you just know." So I don't know if I'm actually on the aromantic spectrum or if I just haven't met the right person yet. Anytime I feel confident in a label, it only lasts a moment, because my mind swoops in and says, "well, how can you really know that?" Sorry for how long and confusing this is, I hope anyone reading this can find some sense. I just have had these constant thoughts for a long time now and no one to talk about them with, and it gets sort of bottled up. And finally, I totally understand that finding yourself should not be a rush and it doesn't really matter who you are, but for whatever reason this is a constant fixture of confusion and distress in my mind. Thank you for your time, dear Internet

Hi @Lynn C., I can see that you are new here so I wanted to start off by saying a big welcome to the community. It's lovely to have you here. I'm Aurora and I am one of the other support mentors here (I think you already met @Catsup in your other post). 

Thanks so much for opening up about how you've been feeling, I know it can be difficult to talk about our thoughts and feelings and really appreciate you being so open about how you've been feeling. I can reassure you that you are not alone. It's very normal to question our sexuality and it often takes a long time to figure things out. I totally get why you want to have an answer - our sexuality is part of our identity and it's an important part of who we are. However, things can and often change with time and I think that we never really stop getting to know ourselves. Would you agree? I'm wondering, whether you might find it helpful to work towards acknowledging, that you don't know for now but that's OK. And with time and more experiences you will get to understand your sexuality better. What do you think? 

I'm also wondering, do you think it might be helpful to talk to someone about all the thoughts you've been having? You mentioned that you've been bottling up these thoughts and it sounds to me like you've been finding it difficult to make sense of some of the thoughts you've been having. Is that right? I find that when I talk things through with someone it really helps me to process my thoughts and things often become a lot clearer. Do you maybe have a friend or a family member, who you trust and who you think would be supportive if you told them about how you are trying to figure out your sexuality? Please know that we are also here for you. 

[Lynn C.]

Hi @Aurora, thank you so much for your answer.

I would definitely agree that getting to know oneself is a journey, not a destination (cliche but true). I know this, so I'm not sure why I can't accept it. Maybe it's because I like things under control and this isn't something I can control. It's likely that I'm also impatient.

It probably would be very helpful to talk about it, and I know my family is very supportive, but I'm just not sure if my parents would understand. I would prefer talking to a friend, but since I moved to a new state two years ago, I haven't had a lot of time to form truly deep friendships here yet. I have one great friend in my old state who was my confidant, but she and I are both busy with life lately and we haven't kept in close touch. I also find it challenging to bring this sort of thing up in conversation without it seeming strange. My solution has been to write in a journal, which has helped to calm me down, but hasn't really helped me accept anything in particular. And sometimes when I write it's simply an extension of what's going on in my mind, where I sort of talk to myself accusatorily. So that's not very productive. 

I don't really care anymore whether I'm aromantic, gay, straight or anything else, I just want to either be comfortable in some label or accept that I simply don't know yet, or maybe ever. But I'm not there yet, frustratingly. I know that many people are probably going through the same thing as I am, but I feel like I'm weak or something for handling it so poorly. I feel like I should just stop and tell myself exactly what you said, that it's totally normal and okay to not know, but it just doesn't work. I'm not sure what the disconnect there is, why I can't seem to accept this. Sometimes I'm able to just make my mind go blank if the confusing thoughts come up, but that doesn't seem like a real solution, because they always return even stronger.

Thank you for being there for me, I have great respect for all of the mentors here.

[Aurora]

18 hours ago, Lynn C. said:

Hi @Aurora, thank you so much for your answer.

I would definitely agree that getting to know oneself is a journey, not a destination (cliche but true). I know this, so I'm not sure why I can't accept it. Maybe it's because I like things under control and this isn't something I can control. It's likely that I'm also impatient.

It probably would be very helpful to talk about it, and I know my family is very supportive, but I'm just not sure if my parents would understand. I would prefer talking to a friend, but since I moved to a new state two years ago, I haven't had a lot of time to form truly deep friendships here yet. I have one great friend in my old state who was my confidant, but she and I are both busy with life lately and we haven't kept in close touch. I also find it challenging to bring this sort of thing up in conversation without it seeming strange. My solution has been to write in a journal, which has helped to calm me down, but hasn't really helped me accept anything in particular. And sometimes when I write it's simply an extension of what's going on in my mind, where I sort of talk to myself accusatorily. So that's not very productive. 

I don't really care anymore whether I'm aromantic, gay, straight or anything else, I just want to either be comfortable in some label or accept that I simply don't know yet, or maybe ever. But I'm not there yet, frustratingly. I know that many people are probably going through the same thing as I am, but I feel like I'm weak or something for handling it so poorly. I feel like I should just stop and tell myself exactly what you said, that it's totally normal and okay to not know, but it just doesn't work. I'm not sure what the disconnect there is, why I can't seem to accept this. Sometimes I'm able to just make my mind go blank if the confusing thoughts come up, but that doesn't seem like a real solution, because they always return even stronger.

Thank you for being there for me, I have great respect for all of the mentors here.

Thank you, that's really kind of you to say. And it's my pleasure  - I'm glad if you find it helpful to talk to us. 

I get the impression that you are a very reflective person and it's interesting that you mentioned that you like things under control. Do you want to tell me a bit more about that?

I also wanted to reassure you that you are not handling this poorly at all. It's a really normal thing to question our sexuality and it often takes a long time. It's also very common to want an answer straight away and to find it very difficult to make peace with not knowing. Especially when we have others around us, who seem confident in their sexuality. They seem to "just know" and don't seem to have the same confusing feelings we do. What you might find helpful is to imagine that a friend came to you and told you that they are having exactly the same thoughts and feelings that you are having. How would you seen them/ what would you think of them? I find that we are often much harder on ourselves then we are on other's and it can help to imagine our situation from someone else's point of view. What do you think? 

[Lynn C.]

3 hours ago, Aurora said:

Thank you, that's really kind of you to say. And it's my pleasure  - I'm glad if you find it helpful to talk to us. 

I get the impression that you are a very reflective person and it's interesting that you mentioned that you like things under control. Do you want to tell me a bit more about that?

I also wanted to reassure you that you are not handling this poorly at all. It's a really normal thing to question our sexuality and it often takes a long time. It's also very common to want an answer straight away and to find it very difficult to make peace with not knowing. Especially when we have others around us, who seem confident in their sexuality. They seem to "just know" and don't seem to have the same confusing feelings we do. What you might find helpful is to imagine that a friend came to you and told you that they are having exactly the same thoughts and feelings that you are having. How would you seen them/ what would you think of them? I find that we are often much harder on ourselves then we are on other's and it can help to imagine our situation from someone else's point of view. What do you think? 

I guess I haven't thought about it a lot, but I really do like to have things under control. I'm a good student and I like do a good job in other aspects of my life, which involves control over the situation to some degree. I have the power to choose to study or do the job right, but I don't, or at least feel like I don't, have control over my emotions. Not in the sense that I can't control how I express them, but rather I can't control what I feel in the first place. It also seems like I don't understand my emotions, which may be why I think about how I identify so much. I can't tell if I feel attracted to someone, or if I want to have a romantic relationship at any point, or if I find a person hot or just aesthetically attractive. I love to learn because while facts may be nuanced, they're almost always concrete. Emotions don't make sense to me like that.

Thank you for the reassurance. It does seem like everyone has it all figured out, even though I know they really don't. That's honestly a great suggestion, because I definitely wouldn't tell someone who feels the same as me that they're weak or that there's something wrong with them like I do myself. Even just writing that makes me realize how ridiculous it is that I think that. If a friend told me they felt the same, I would be really relieved, and also empathetic, and I wouldn't think any less of them. I suppose I am pretty hard on myself, but I feel like that's how I improve myself, at least in terms of school. I have to push myself to succeed. This is probably not the best way to navigate emotions and attraction, but I don't know any other way.

Questioning my sexuality has also made me not only confused about whether or not I like people, but also fundamentally about what's real and what's not. I've heard people talk about how not every thought is actually true, but then there's the possibility of thoughts that are real but repressed. I have no idea how to tell the difference between the two. In the context of my sexuality, I'll sometimes get a random thought that's like "you should like that person," and then I freak out because I don't know if it's real or not. "Do I actually like that person, or was it just a meaningless thought? If it was a thought it can't be totally meaningless, but that's just what a person who's hiding their true feelings would say. Or is it?" This can go on and on in my mind, and I think these things about the most random people who I may or may not know. I don't even remember most of the people who I think this about, and it doesn't line up at all with how people have described what attraction is like.

Sorry these answers are so long-- I just haven't said this to a real person before and there's a lot there

[Aurora]

19 hours ago, Lynn C. said:

I guess I haven't thought about it a lot, but I really do like to have things under control. I'm a good student and I like do a good job in other aspects of my life, which involves control over the situation to some degree. I have the power to choose to study or do the job right, but I don't, or at least feel like I don't, have control over my emotions. Not in the sense that I can't control how I express them, but rather I can't control what I feel in the first place. It also seems like I don't understand my emotions, which may be why I think about how I identify so much. I can't tell if I feel attracted to someone, or if I want to have a romantic relationship at any point, or if I find a person hot or just aesthetically attractive. I love to learn because while facts may be nuanced, they're almost always concrete. Emotions don't make sense to me like that.

Thank you for the reassurance. It does seem like everyone has it all figured out, even though I know they really don't. That's honestly a great suggestion, because I definitely wouldn't tell someone who feels the same as me that they're weak or that there's something wrong with them like I do myself. Even just writing that makes me realize how ridiculous it is that I think that. If a friend told me they felt the same, I would be really relieved, and also empathetic, and I wouldn't think any less of them. I suppose I am pretty hard on myself, but I feel like that's how I improve myself, at least in terms of school. I have to push myself to succeed. This is probably not the best way to navigate emotions and attraction, but I don't know any other way.

Questioning my sexuality has also made me not only confused about whether or not I like people, but also fundamentally about what's real and what's not. I've heard people talk about how not every thought is actually true, but then there's the possibility of thoughts that are real but repressed. I have no idea how to tell the difference between the two. In the context of my sexuality, I'll sometimes get a random thought that's like "you should like that person," and then I freak out because I don't know if it's real or not. "Do I actually like that person, or was it just a meaningless thought? If it was a thought it can't be totally meaningless, but that's just what a person who's hiding their true feelings would say. Or is it?" This can go on and on in my mind, and I think these things about the most random people who I may or may not know. I don't even remember most of the people who I think this about, and it doesn't line up at all with how people have described what attraction is like.

Sorry these answers are so long-- I just haven't said this to a real person before and there's a lot there

Please don't apologies. It's great that you're being so open with us and I really appreciate you explaining everything so well. This is a safe space and it's totally up to you how you want to use it and what you feel comfortable sharing. We're here to listen. 

I'm glad to hear you found it helpful to think about it from a friends perspective. I think most of us are pretty hard on ourselves and it can be good to remind ourselves that we are a lot more understanding and empathetic towards our friends and that we need to be more kind to ourselves 

I know what you mean. Thoughts and emotions are so much more complicated and you're absolutely right, we can't control the thoughts that will pop into our mind. What I find helpful in those situations where you have thoughts going round and round in your head is to try and catch your thoughts (you could even write them down if that's helpful) and then try and turn them into more helpful thoughts. Eg you might say to yourself "I can't get to the bottom of this right now, I'm going to think about this another time" or maybe something like "it doesn't matter if this thought is real or not, it's what I'm thinking right now" or something else that you might find helpful in that situation. How does that sound?

From what you've been telling me I do get the impression that you could really do with talking to someone about this though. I find that I can process my thoughts much better when I'm talking to someone else about it. Would you agree? I know you said that you would prefer to talk to a friend but that it's a bit difficult right now. You mentioned your friend from where you used to live but that you are both very busy and haven't kept in close touch. I'm wondering, how do you think your friend would react if you messaged her and asked her if you could talk? If you're not sure, maybe you could think about how would you feel if she got in touch with you and asked if you had time to talk to her about something? 

[Rolo]

On 4/24/2023 at 2:15 AM, Lynn C. said:

This is my first post, and I'm going to cut right to the chase. I've been questioning my sexuality for almost 4 years now, at varying degrees of intensity, and I feel as though I've made zero progress. I still have no idea who I am. I had never had a crush or anything like one until I was 15, when I started liking my best friend, and during the year I liked her I considered myself a lesbian. But at this point I don't know if that was even real or what it felt like. I'm now 18, and that was the only "crush" I've ever had. So of course I started to wonder if I was grayromantic or something else on the aro spectrum, but I don't even know. At this point it's impossible for me to figure out what I want and don't want because every time I experience a thought or emotion, my first reaction is to question it, asking myself if I really think/feel that or if I simply want to feel it. And then I immediately question that question, wondering if I'm trying to reverse psychology my way into believing something that isn't accurate to how I really feel. I feel like nothing I think or feel is real anymore. It's like there's a constant war inside my mind, with doubt and uncertainty fueling it. What makes this harder is that I don't even understand what it feels like to have a crush on someone. Maybe I knew this at one point, but I certainly don't anymore. If I at least knew how to identify the symptoms of attraction, it would be easier to determine if I'm feeling them or not. But both my friends and the Internet say that you can tell if you have a crush because "you just know." So I don't know if I'm actually on the aromantic spectrum or if I just haven't met the right person yet. Anytime I feel confident in a label, it only lasts a moment, because my mind swoops in and says, "well, how can you really know that?" Sorry for how long and confusing this is, I hope anyone reading this can find some sense. I just have had these constant thoughts for a long time now and no one to talk about them with, and it gets sort of bottled up. And finally, I totally understand that finding yourself should not be a rush and it doesn't really matter who you are, but for whatever reason this is a constant fixture of confusion and distress in my mind. Thank you for your time, dear Internet

Yes yes yes i feel the same way butt i feel like ive been playing this fudge up game sin's 12 years old. I was still unknowing to all these things in the world but when you get older  These things makes one life so miserable  it's very very annoying tried to deny my feelings then you are homophobic then you except not really except yourself all started with bullying im just soft hearted i don't act queer and  feminine butt peole just accused of me being gay thene you know your straight and fight for what your confident in thene you get the fudging question do i like both or am I just entertaining my stupid subconscious brain and torturing myself.

And there is other private factors that takes place  so yea  i think we can agree to agree that these questions are getting very old very fast. 

 

 

[Lynn C.]

3 hours ago, Aurora said:

Please don't apologies. It's great that you're being so open with us and I really appreciate you explaining everything so well. This is a safe space and it's totally up to you how you want to use it and what you feel comfortable sharing. We're here to listen. 

I'm glad to hear you found it helpful to think about it from a friends perspective. I think most of us are pretty hard on ourselves and it can be good to remind ourselves that we are a lot more understanding and empathetic towards our friends and that we need to be more kind to ourselves 

I know what you mean. Thoughts and emotions are so much more complicated and you're absolutely right, we can't control the thoughts that will pop into our mind. What I find helpful in those situations where you have thoughts going round and round in your head is to try and catch your thoughts (you could even write them down if that's helpful) and then try and turn them into more helpful thoughts. Eg you might say to yourself "I can't get to the bottom of this right now, I'm going to think about this another time" or maybe something like "it doesn't matter if this thought is real or not, it's what I'm thinking right now" or something else that you might find helpful in that situation. How does that sound?

From what you've been telling me I do get the impression that you could really do with talking to someone about this though. I find that I can process my thoughts much better when I'm talking to someone else about it. Would you agree? I know you said that you would prefer to talk to a friend but that it's a bit difficult right now. You mentioned your friend from where you used to live but that you are both very busy and haven't kept in close touch. I'm wondering, how do you think your friend would react if you messaged her and asked her if you could talk? If you're not sure, maybe you could think about how would you feel if she got in touch with you and asked if you had time to talk to her about something? 

Thank you, I'll definitely try turning them into more helpful thoughts. And my friend would probably be totally fine with talking to me, I might try that too. And I absolutely agree with you that talking to someone is very helpful-- I know from past experience that it's really helped me sort out my thoughts. Even this interaction has been helpful for me.

Thank you so much for being there for me and have a good day :)

[Rolo]

On 4/26/2023 at 3:58 PM, Rolo said:

Yes yes yes i feel the same way butt i feel like ive been playing this fudge up game sin's 12 years old. I was still unknowing to all these things in the world but when you get older  These things makes one life so miserable  it's very very annoying tried to deny my feelings then you are homophobic then you except not really except yourself all started with bullying im just soft hearted i don't act queer and  feminine butt peole just accused of me being gay thene you know your straight and fight for what your confident in thene you get the fudging question do i like both or am I just entertaining my stupid subconscious brain and torturing myself.

And there is other private factors that takes place  so yea  i think we can agree to agree that these questions are getting very old very fast. 

 

[Luie]

23 hours ago, Rolo said:

On 4/26/2023 at 2:58 PM, Rolo said:

Yes yes yes i feel the same way butt i feel like ive been playing this fudge up game sin's 12 years old. I was still unknowing to all these things in the world but when you get older  These things makes one life so miserable  it's very very annoying tried to deny my feelings then you are homophobic then you except not really except yourself all started with bullying im just soft hearted i don't act queer and  feminine butt peole just accused of me being gay thene you know your straight and fight for what your confident in thene you get the fudging question do i like both or am I just entertaining my stupid subconscious brain and torturing myself.

And there is other private factors that takes place  so yea  i think we can agree to agree that these questions are getting very old very fast. 

Expand  

Heyy @Rolo, Aurora will be back soon. I will just jump in for the time being. It sounds to me like you're struggling with a lot of conflicting emotions and societal pressures related to your sexual identity.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual, and that it's okay to explore and embrace your own identity on your own terms. It's unfortunate that you have experienced bullying and discrimination because of other people's assumptions and prejudices. Want to talk more about this? I know how difficult and confusing exploring your identity can be and it's a process which takes a while. Am I understanding what you're going through correctly?

 

[Rolo]

My we go to a private channel 

 

[Luie]

9 hours ago, Rolo said:

My we go to a private channel 

Yes ofcourse @Rolo please do message on Confidential support and we can pick it up from there. 

[Aurora]

On 4/26/2023 at 3:26 PM, Lynn C. said:

Thank you, I'll definitely try turning them into more helpful thoughts. And my friend would probably be totally fine with talking to me, I might try that too. And I absolutely agree with you that talking to someone is very helpful-- I know from past experience that it's really helped me sort out my thoughts. Even this interaction has been helpful for me.

Thank you so much for being there for me and have a good day :)

You're very welcome :) I'm glad you've found it helpful. If you like you can let us know how it went with your friend. No pressure though - it's totally up to you if you would like to give us an update. Is there anything else you would like support with or are you good for now? 

[Lynn C.]

4 hours ago, Aurora said:

You're very welcome :) I'm glad you've found it helpful. If you like you can let us know how it went with your friend. No pressure though - it's totally up to you if you would like to give us an update. Is there anything else you would like support with or are you good for now? 

I think I'm good for now, thanks.

[Aurora]

On 5/3/2023 at 2:37 PM, Lynn C. said:

I think I'm good for now, thanks.

Great . We're always here if anything else comes up that you would like to talk about