Just kinda stuck in this isolation

[Elliot21]

Im a trans guy and i have D.I.D. so some of my alters are nonbinary or genderfluid so overall im a demiboy but my family dosent even know i have alters i dont think and im only close to my mum but shes transphobic so im just stuck here being slightly out at school, going by multiple names, hiding myself i guess and it sucks. I have alot of mental conditions and theyre diagnosed too, i just dont want to bother my parents with any more cause it seems like they think im lying or im just being attention seeking but really my brain is fucked up and its probably from all the things that happened in my childhood with my dad which i absolutley dispise. I just interact with him as little as possible and when i do, i try to get out as soon as possible because its hard to have a parent who makes the slightest movment feel like you just did the worst thing possible and you deserve whatever happens next. It feels like when im talking to him that im stuck in this super tense trance and any wrong move offsets everything. Its always uncomfortable and it dosent help that his past actions make me remember who he was everytime im around him. A few years ago, when i was in alot of mental care n stuff, he kept taking my meds, trying to get me unperscribed, and told me things like your ruining the family, your miserable. yeah it wasnt a fun time. So i get the feeling if I open up about any more conditions im positive i have, i just dont want to put my parent through that i guess. Its all really stressful to think about and my dads been making me more nervous latley and i had a panic attack litterally at my therapists office just thinking about him and i want to open up about it but its all just really really stressfull and we went outside the building for some air and i was just like worried about his car showing up and seeing me for some reason and ahggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg yeah okie i just need friends to talk to and i usually do things to distract myself from my mind but ive been doing it for so long now that i feel so broken inside and i dont want to check because i dont want to go back to the dark place i was in.  Next year I go to a bigger school and im worried with me using my name in school ill be outed but hopefully somehow when i do ill find support.

 

[Monsoon]

Hey Elliot,

Thank you for feeling safe enough to open up to us here. It sounds like things are really tricky with your parents, and I can imagine it's really upsetting for you to not be understood by them. A little understanding goes a long way, and I just want you to know that we are here for you and want to understand so that we can help you. I can see that you've mentioned things happening in your childhood with your dad, and I'm pretty concerned that this may have been abusive, as I can see that you put a trigger warning on your post for abuse as well. I'm just wondering, do you feel comfortable enough with us to share what happened? I'm asking because we care about your safety here at Ditch the Label, and if something has happened in the past, or even if things are going on now, it would be helpful for us to know so that we can help you. Also, with whatever happened, have you managed to tell anyone about it yet? Take care and speak soon. Remember, we are here for you. 

[Elliot21]

On 3/26/2023 at 8:22 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey Elliot,

Thank you for feeling safe enough to open up to us here. It sounds like things are really tricky with your parents, and I can imagine it's really upsetting for you to not be understood by them. A little understanding goes a long way, and I just want you to know that we are here for you and want to understand so that we can help you. I can see that you've mentioned things happening in your childhood with your dad, and I'm pretty concerned that this may have been abusive, as I can see that you put a trigger warning on your post for abuse as well. I'm just wondering, do you feel comfortable enough with us to share what happened? I'm asking because we care about your safety here at Ditch the Label, and if something has happened in the past, or even if things are going on now, it would be helpful for us to know so that we can help you. Also, with whatever happened, have you managed to tell anyone about it yet? Take care and speak soon. Remember, we are here for you. 

Thanks for the care, it really does mean alot. Recently, i told my therapist about some things that obviously require bringing my parents in and doing things to try and improve my mental health and hopefully my parents acceptance but I came out and they still don't believe me i guess or support me which sucks but i told them whether they support me or not, im still going to be me but it would just make it easier and less stressfull if they did. I was really stressed at the time and needed to rant but im used to doing things on my own.  The main event happened a few years ago and only a few weeks ago did i allow myself to think through what happened and then on Monday is when i finally just let it out. I feel like i shouldnt have to put together an explanation of how it feels to be trans and the science of it just for the slight chance of them actually listening and not going off about how god made me and that my feelings now dont matter because they just MIGHT change in a few years or because im young so I don't have a say in my own self as if im a puppet. Like they care that i feel okay until it has to do with something they don't approve then i can feel like shit aslong as they have thier  " perfect little girl ". And the sad thing is my therapist obviously dosent support me either so i feel like im constantly still isolated and i shouldnt've opened up anyways cause ive always done things alone but now i am and i know they just pourposley choose not to make an effort which makes the phrase "i love you" alot harder to beleive. Im sorry if i made you worry or anything, i don't need help but i admit talking about how i feel and the stress is helpful. Thanks for listening 

[Aurora]

7 hours ago, Elliot21 said:

Thanks for the care, it really does mean alot. Recently, i told my therapist about some things that obviously require bringing my parents in and doing things to try and improve my mental health and hopefully my parents acceptance but I came out and they still don't believe me i guess or support me which sucks but i told them whether they support me or not, im still going to be me but it would just make it easier and less stressfull if they did. I was really stressed at the time and needed to rant but im used to doing things on my own.  The main event happened a few years ago and only a few weeks ago did i allow myself to think through what happened and then on Monday is when i finally just let it out. I feel like i shouldnt have to put together an explanation of how it feels to be trans and the science of it just for the slight chance of them actually listening and not going off about how god made me and that my feelings now dont matter because they just MIGHT change in a few years or because im young so I don't have a say in my own self as if im a puppet. Like they care that i feel okay until it has to do with something they don't approve then i can feel like shit aslong as they have thier  " perfect little girl ". And the sad thing is my therapist obviously dosent support me either so i feel like im constantly still isolated and i shouldnt've opened up anyways cause ive always done things alone but now i am and i know they just pourposley choose not to make an effort which makes the phrase "i love you" alot harder to beleive. Im sorry if i made you worry or anything, i don't need help but i admit talking about how i feel and the stress is helpful. Thanks for listening 

Hey Elliot, Monsoon is away until the 17th April so I thought I would reply instead. I hope that's OK.

Thank you for explaining a bit more what's been going on for you. I'm glad to hear that you're finding it helpful to talk about how you feel. I find talking about what's going on can help us process our feelings and make us realise that we are not alone. What do you think? Do you mind me asking what happened with your Dad a few years ago? It sounds to me like it was something quite significant and it's having an impact on how you are feeling now. Is that right? I can also sense that you're not comfortable talking about it and that's absolutely fine, too. This is a safe space and it's completely up to you what you would like to share with us. However, if you do want to talk about it then we are here to listen and we can support you. We can also talk about it in confidential support if you would prefer that? 

I'm a bit concerned to hear that your therapist doesn't support you either. I can imagine that that might make going to therapy a bit difficult for you. Is that right? Do you mind me asking, how would you describe your relationship with your therapist and how long have you been seeing them? Also, can I ask, what makes you think that your therapist isn't supporting you? Please know we are here for you.