How can I get rid of my toxic friend who is also my house friend

[zeynepyalcinkaya]

Okay so here i am finally because I've literally nothing to do. I have this friend who's been a burden to me the moment I met her. First I thought she was so great and I tried so hard to be friends with her but it didn't work. But I kept trying and made a huge a mistake by moving out with her. We share the same house along with one of her closest friend. Anyway. I know she's toxic. The thing is she has problems too. I know. She's so emotional can't stand to be alone, wants to be involved in everything and wants to be loved the most among every friendship group she's ever been in. It was okay until I found any other friends than her. Now her closest friend is in another country and all she's got me and her boyfriend. She's got many friends but idk she doesn't see them often.

I love her, I really do. I sometimes have so much fun with her. But whenever we come to discuss something I feel like whenever I disagree with her it's "nosense". But it's like nosense in common. Not like "I personally don't agree with you." it's like "it's just bullshit and nosense."

Let's say I have a problem and I'm sad that day and I just wanna spend my day with my other friends, she could be really so upset and even mad about it. But she wouldn't really care when her other friend is around. She bothers me a lot nowadays because she's alone and that's what makes me really mad. I feel like she's using me.

This is way too personal but since i'm here and want a solution I want to give y'all every detail. I lost my father 8 months ago in a worst way possible. He fell from balcony didn't die instantly but stayed in hospital for almost 20 days it was so hard to see him in a hospital bad in such a bad way like that. Definitely the worst experience I've ever had in my life. And because of that i lost my patience. I get mad and sad very easily and really have huge anger issues. And I don't know how long I can take this.

I have a close friend and she's also my classmate and I see her everyday and I feel really comfortable with her. I don't think about my toxic friend. And we do such a great activities together such as yoga and stuff. She knows my toxic friend too. They met several times. And they have so many things in common. When my friend comes to my house, she and my toxic friend talks a lot. Not that i'm complaining about it. It's okay since they don't see each other a lot.

BUT recently my toxic friend told me that she loved my friend a lot and wants to be in touch with her but since they're not so close she doesn't know how to. I was thinking inside "oh great and now this". Because she's using me to be friends with her. And she didn't even try to be friends with her before I get close to her. That annoys me. I'm selfish to think that but I wanna have friends other than her. Otherwise I'm gonna lose my sanity. She doesn't give a fuck about me whenever we're in crowded groups of people, but she gives me lots of attention that I don't want whenever we're alone. If I know that we all could be equals, and just pure friendship I wouldn't be here and writing this.

She asks me to hang out with her other friends and it makes me responsible that I feel like I should do the same but I don't want to. That's where I'm selfish. I totally admit that. But i'm okay if she doesn't do that and she does, depends on friends to friends. I don't want to hurt her but I also don't want to keep this toxic friendship. It bothers me a lot. She calls me a lot when I'm in school and asks me where i am, when I'm gonna come home, she wants me to tell her to come and hang out with my friends. But I already see her in home every time. I'm so bothered to tell her everything I do. She didn't use to do that because she wasn't that alone. Man I just don't know what to do.

[Willow]

Hi ZeynePyalcinkaya,

 

*This is another response on your support request-- in moving to our new Community sofware, some responses were lost in the process. Thank you for your patience during this time that Community has been inaccessible.*

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes a lot to be vulnerable, but I do hope this will be helpful for you.

 

I think a major underlying issue around all your strong feelings around this person has to do with the death of your father. I'm, really, so sorry to hear that. My mother passed away when I was 20, so I can understand the different waves of emotion you're having. Grief affects our lives so strongly. In you mentioning patience, I definitely experienced a lack of patience in the strong fog that one experiences during mourning.

 

Because your loss is so significant, I would suggest you seek help for it, specifically. Going to a counselor, or a group for grief support, can help your healing around your loss. You're not who you were, before your father's death, and you don't look like the person you'll be after the fog of grief lifts. So there's patience with yourself that needs to happen, too!

 

But this person in your life.. this toxic friend.. there needs to be a change. An easy way to shift the friendship expectations are for you to state your needs. You can even "blame" it on your grief... but you don't have excess energy to spend on people who don't benefit you and/or help you feel the best you can.

 

This person has huge expectations of you, but now is the time to practice your "no's." Although this is very difficult, it's necessary for your own peace. Something as simple as setting up boundaries around when this person can call you/what they can call about. Designate private time, for you... and maybe come up with a response you can use for when you really don't feel up to helping her. Something like "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling up to having this conversation-- I need some time to myself." Because this person is draining you. You have very little energy for others, and you'd rather spend that energy on people who recharge you, or at least don't drain you.

 

I'm wishing you so much strength... And know, since you've brought this up, things are going to shift toward being a better life for you.

 

-willow