Is it me or her?

[jamminrose]

I have a friend, she used to be my best friend, we known each other since 8the grade. I remember the first day we became close, she was sitting alone and I approached her. Our friendship was built off us being there for each other when things were rough. Whether she was going through it with her family or I was going through it with mine. We both bonded on our turbulence we had with our family and also we could make each other laugh till our stomachs hurt. I never once felt negative towards her, I've always felt she had my back and she was a real one up until maybe highschool, she was in and out of school, always ditching staying home lying saying she was sick or couldn't come, I knew she was lying and it frustrated me. She ended up getting really behind and all that, then ended up going to a military school, left for like a year I think, came back and I remember everyone was asking her why she went, and she would lie about why she had to go and what got her there etc, and I didn't like that. I think maybe then I became a little off towards her. (Also during that time I was going through a nasty breakup with my controlling bf so I was transforming into a new person I feel, a new life) next flag I saw was when she was texting my other best friends man (they were just having sex but she liked him) and i told Heidi and I was determined to find the truth since I already was suspicious of her and knew she lies. Lisa and Heidi and I all used to be close at one point so Lisa was aware of who Donnell was. Anyways Heidi ended up confronting her , it was drama and Lisa barley got way with it with swift talking (lying) (because I know what I saw and I felt it in my gut) and then it was over. But I continued to keep my eyes peeled and I was more distrusting then before of her. Fast forward. It seemed like everytime I hung out with Lisa and her new found bf, I felt uncomfortable, it was just the little things. This moment I'm about to describe reminds me of the scene in mean girls when she tells Hailey to tell the guy his hair looks sexy pushed back, (idk if anyone remembers that scene but clearly that movie is about toxicity in friendships) anyways so my friend asks me hey should Jacob (her bf) braid his hair or leave it like that and I said it looks fine and he agreed with me and she snapped her head and looked at him gave him a look and he was like oh nevermind ya braid it. I noticed that. Me and her bf don't talk and if we do it just seems like Lisa is monitoring it so I don't really make a point to start a conversation with him and neither does he. Another time we all had went swimming and it's not that I'm self concious of my body but idk as I was sitting in the jacuzzi I couldnt help but notice she was sitting on the step of jaczzi flaunting her body sitting in a position as if she was like posing for a picture almost. I got out I sat on my towel and put my feet in the water while she was wrapping herself in hers, she then looked at me then quickly tore off her towel laid it down and sat on it too. I noticed that. The story she loves to tell when everyone is around or when it's just me and her, the story I've heard many times before, is how me and her were at a party and Lisa had a guy coming over but she didn't like him , he brought a friend and (that is her bf now). The guy she didn't like, wanted to get with her and his friend was supposed to be with me ( I don't like Jacob he's not my type nor was I aware of this arrangement) but Jacob didn't want me and wanted Lisa . So Lisa would tell this story and laugh and laugh and ya it was crazy the first time I heard it, but the 50th time? Ok why do u really like this story, cuz it makes me look unwanted and makes u feel better? After these times i told myself I can't be friends with her anymore, I didn't like to be around her, I stopped talking to her for a while I was living in Riverside at the time. I met a guy that I was so lusty for, he wanted to hangout, my friends his friends, and the only friend I had was Lisa so i invited her, I thought maybe since it's been so long it would be different. I WAS WRONG

I know Lisa is beautiful she is, I wasnt worried about that it's not that I was hating, I was just distrusting and I didn't like who she was becoming I guess. (Egotistical, liar, fake) when I went to her house to get her I had on a off the shoulder flowery shirt, she took one look at me and said yup I know what to wear and pulled out an off the shoulder stripped shirt. Now I didn't like how she did that but I rolled it off my back. Other times she would ask what I was wearing and I never liked to tell her, because it always seemed like she wanted to know to so that she can like upstage me. One time I had semi confronted her about it, she asked me what I was going to wear and I told her and then j said "did u ask taurice what she was gonna wear'" (Taurice was going to go bowl with us) and she replied "lol no if I go Snapchat my phone will die" Fast forward, she flirts with that guy I was all lusty for, right in front of me (touches his thigh, bends down right in front of him) allllll that. That night me and him hangout I spend the night I get home the next morning she calls me I tell her I just got home from his house cuz I stood the night and something about her tone and the vibe she was like "hmm that's funny"the way she said it how she said it, it was like she was mad or jealous. And that's all she said, and I remember thinking to myself "I didn't say anything funny, what a weird reply" fast forward to another night with the same guy her me and his friend, we all got drunk, I blacked out and till this day I have suspicions of something going between her and him. I would never know though. It just felt like something she would do. And I was so hurt but I kept hanging out with her because I wasn't sure if it was me being a jealous competitive friend or her. As u know, there is more, but I just wanted to explain enough to give you the idea of her. I love Lisa or I love what our friendship used to be, or I loved how I used to feel, I don't like contemplating if she is real friend or not. I don't like feeling this way, what should I do? We still do share happy times but as the laughter dies down I remember who she is and how she makes me feel. I just feel like she tries to compete with me, she has to look better have a better job have more money overall just be better than me, why can't we just live? I have friends I don't feel like this towards, so is it me or her?

[Willow]

Hi JammieRose,

 

*This is another response on your support request-- in moving to our new Community sofware, some responses were lost in the process. Thank you for your patience during this time that Community has been inaccessible.*

 

Wow- you have observed and worked through a lot, regarding your 'friend'. It is a big question to ask whether this is a healthy friendship, or not. Here's an article that demonstrates signs of unhealthy friendships:

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/are-they-really-your-friend-15-signs-that-suggest-otherwise/

 

She doesn't seem to know how her behavior affects you. Have you ever considered talking to her about it? That's what it means, to me, to be a good friend-- showing compassion to a person's flaws, and helping them recognize when they're behaving poorly. You don't want to be taken for granted, or used as a tool for her to 'look better' off of. That's not fair, or nice, to you. Here's an article on conflict resolution, if you're interested in speaking to her:

 

​https://www.ditchthelabel.org/speak-anyone-anything-conflict-resolution/

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Your experience matters, and is valid.

 

Hope this is helpful.

 

 

-willow