Discouraged and Exhausted

[TinyDinos]

Feeling like shit. I have time off of school this whole week, none of my friends reached out. I gather up enough energy to reach out myself and prepare myself mentally to possibly spend time with them. One left me on read until about an hour ago, and the other said she should be fine to hang out, but she has plans in the afternoon. The girl texts back saying that she actually has plans in the morning that day after all for her brother’s b-day, so no biggie. Disappointed but not a big deal, brother trumps book date. I wait for my other friend to reply, and when he does he says he’s got a lot of tests that day so he can’t but he might be able to next week instead. He’s homeschooled and could move his work around if he wanted to, but I’d never expect him to do so for me. My mom has a crazy work schedule and she was finally able to make it work the one day my friends can’t. I feel bitter even though it isn’t my friends’ fault that they can’t go because they had legitimate reasons, but still. I feel so lonely and overall depressed because of it all. I don’t have many friends my age as it is (I find it easier to spend time with adults) and the ones I do have I never spend time with. My sisters are talking about making a day out of it with them but I don’t want to keep spending time with only my sisters.

[TinyDinos]

I wish people had more time, and selfishly, I wish I were more of a priority just in general. I took care of my mom and sisters all day while my stepdad was at work bc my mom is sick atm and the girls need to be taken care of, but nobody takes care of me. I asked my bio dad months ago if he would pay for my driving class so I can get my license and this man had the audacity to say he pays enough child support to cover it, and after arguing enough about that he was dismissive about the whole thing and told me he would figure it out. I’ve been confronted with the realization that he ISN’T thinking about it, and HASN’T thought about it. He never intended on paying attention to me about it and just expected for me to send him the billing info. The cherry on top is that he left to New York on Valentine’s Day to spend it with his brothers instead of his kids. This is the third year in a row he hasn’t seen us on the holiday, the last two years being because he straight up refused to see us even though we begged him to. I’m so tired of being pushed aside and not having my needs taken into account but having to take care of everyone else because that’s my job. I wish I was cared about the same way I care about other people. If I disappeared nobody would even care until they need something the way things are now. But now, I’m stuck with the fact that I don’t want to be taken care of because I don’t deserve help. I’m a waste of space and resources. I waste people’s time. I waste. I prioritize everybody else because I know they deserve it. I can’t help it. Compared to me everyone else has so much potential it’s suffocating, as self centered and shallow and jealous as that sounds. It’s all true about me because that’s just the kind of person I am. Who am I to be complaining about how bad I have it when I’m causing the problem for everyone else?? Why am I still here if people like me are what makes this planet so unbearable to live on? I wish I cared what happened to me anymore.

[Equivalent Ways]

Ok, so is it bad if I say I am so glad you wrote this because it made me feel more seen and touched?

Where do I even begin.. There are so many dimensions to your messages. Well, I guess I can start by just sharing my thoughts as I roll through your writing..

pt 1.

When I have time, I reach out to friends, or I make time because I want to prioritize that, yeah... But after a while I realize I cannot build this bridge alone, they need to do their part tooAnd I know they always have good reasons or whatever but it makes me feel so neglected. I also know that I should put my own care first, but I also want someone else to think that too, not just me! Cuz I can't care for anyone if I am not cared for, you see!

Being cared for is such a nice feeling, I am not physically there to make you feel cared for, but I will do all I can over text My big brother is kinda.. he's dealing with his own things and sadly couldn't be a good big brother to me when I needed him(we are ok now, he is grown up, and we still care about each other, but our relationship is kinda neutral), and sometimes I feel I have to protect my little brother, but he is so nice yet too much sometimes. Not to mention the fact that I was trained to care for my pathetic father even though he abused me when I was just so young, and my mom is so strong, but she has parented us alone for a while even through she had cancer too. I feel like I have such a big responsibility on my shoulders and I just grew up too fast. i know you are the eldest where you are expected to care for everyone without breaks. I am the middle and have been so very neglected during childhood.

Sigh, I did not think I would get into my trauma so much

pt 2.

That is so not cool that your bio dad can't even manage the simple-freggin-est things for his kids. Tell me about it thoughMy dad did the bare minimum for child support and STILL dragged my mom to court over nonsense. But really, we grew up too fast...

When we were kids, we were told we were the problem, because how could we assume that are parent(s) were? This leads us to feeling wasted, worthless, and not ever good enough. I understand how you feel that you can't help it and that we wished we cared about what happened to us more... Sometimes we just can't.

Here, I will get uplifting tho You are worth so much, I don't think you waste resources at all, you are a precious human to me, and on this earth. You deserve all the help, love, support, kindness, food, clothes, rewards you receive. To me, you are a wonderful, contributing, poetic, beautiful person, no one else is like you.

I don't normally type messages this long, but for you sweetheart, It was totally worth the time (get it? cuz you are worth peoples' time, you know? you don't waste it at all) Anyway XD

 

[Equivalent Ways]

I'm so sorry it took me so long to find this btw, also, just wanted to share that I am homeschooled too

[Monsoon]

14 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

I wish people had more time, and selfishly, I wish I were more of a priority just in general. I took care of my mom and sisters all day while my stepdad was at work bc my mom is sick atm and the girls need to be taken care of, but nobody takes care of me. I asked my bio dad months ago if he would pay for my driving class so I can get my license and this man had the audacity to say he pays enough child support to cover it, and after arguing enough about that he was dismissive about the whole thing and told me he would figure it out. I’ve been confronted with the realization that he ISN’T thinking about it, and HASN’T thought about it. He never intended on paying attention to me about it and just expected for me to send him the billing info. The cherry on top is that he left to New York on Valentine’s Day to spend it with his brothers instead of his kids. This is the third year in a row he hasn’t seen us on the holiday, the last two years being because he straight up refused to see us even though we begged him to. I’m so tired of being pushed aside and not having my needs taken into account but having to take care of everyone else because that’s my job. I wish I was cared about the same way I care about other people. If I disappeared nobody would even care until they need something the way things are now. But now, I’m stuck with the fact that I don’t want to be taken care of because I don’t deserve help. I’m a waste of space and resources. I waste people’s time. I waste. I prioritize everybody else because I know they deserve it. I can’t help it. Compared to me everyone else has so much potential it’s suffocating, as self centered and shallow and jealous as that sounds. It’s all true about me because that’s just the kind of person I am. Who am I to be complaining about how bad I have it when I’m causing the problem for everyone else?? Why am I still here if people like me are what makes this planet so unbearable to live on? I wish I cared what happened to me anymore.

Hey @TinyDinos

It sounds like you're having some negative thoughts and feelings about yourself at the moment. I can tell that things are really getting to you at the moment, and I just want you to know that we all care about you here and we all want the best for you. We are all rooting for you here. I saw what you said about how you're a waste of space and resources, and I'm wondering, do you always feel like that, or are there some times when you feel like you aren't a waste in the way you described?

[TinyDinos]

1 hour ago, Equivalent Ways said:

Ok, so is it bad if I say I am so glad you wrote this because it made me feel more seen and touched?

Where do I even begin.. There are so many dimensions to your messages. Well, I guess I can start by just sharing my thoughts as I roll through your writing..

pt 1.

When I have time, I reach out to friends, or I make time because I want to prioritize that, yeah... But after a while I realize I cannot build this bridge alone, they need to do their part tooAnd I know they always have good reasons or whatever but it makes me feel so neglected. I also know that I should put my own care first, but I also want someone else to think that too, not just me! Cuz I can't care for anyone if I am not cared for, you see!

Being cared for is such a nice feeling, I am not physically there to make you feel cared for, but I will do all I can over text My big brother is kinda.. he's dealing with his own things and sadly couldn't be a good big brother to me when I needed him(we are ok now, he is grown up, and we still care about each other, but our relationship is kinda neutral), and sometimes I feel I have to protect my little brother, but he is so nice yet too much sometimes. Not to mention the fact that I was trained to care for my pathetic father even though he abused me when I was just so young, and my mom is so strong, but she has parented us alone for a while even through she had cancer too. I feel like I have such a big responsibility on my shoulders and I just grew up too fast. i know you are the eldest where you are expected to care for everyone without breaks. I am the middle and have been so very neglected during childhood.

Sigh, I did not think I would get into my trauma so much

pt 2.

That is so not cool that your bio dad can't even manage the simple-freggin-est things for his kids. Tell me about it thoughMy dad did the bare minimum for child support and STILL dragged my mom to court over nonsense. But really, we grew up too fast...

When we were kids, we were told we were the problem, because how could we assume that are parent(s) were? This leads us to feeling wasted, worthless, and not ever good enough. I understand how you feel that you can't help it and that we wished we cared about what happened to us more... Sometimes we just can't.

Here, I will get uplifting tho You are worth so much, I don't think you waste resources at all, you are a precious human to me, and on this earth. You deserve all the help, love, support, kindness, food, clothes, rewards you receive. To me, you are a wonderful, contributing, poetic, beautiful person, no one else is like you.

I don't normally type messages this long, but for you sweetheart, It was totally worth the time (get it? cuz you are worth peoples' time, you know? you don't waste it at all) Anyway XD

Hey, thanks for replying, and I totally get it. I honestly know how it feels to see someone going through the same thing and how empowering it is to know that we’re not alone on our lonely journeys (as you put it so beautifully in reply to one of our other conversations). I’m sorry my messages come out so loaded haha. I tend to word vomit which makes sense why I’m better in English than math. I guess I just needed a good way to get my thoughts across  clearly, but it’s not my intention to put too much info, as I come across really strongly most times and it’s hard to deal with for most people. I’ll use the same strategy you did to make sure I address everything you wrote :)

pt. 1

I agree. I understand that they aren’t being malicious or anything because I know they’re really good people, and they do care, but I can’t help feeling neglected like you said. I think part of it is because of the neglect I received from my father up until now, and my poor friends are getting painted in a negative light because of it :(

My parents (mom and stepdad) are noticing more that I tend to put others before myself every opportunity I get but don’t practice enough self care and they’re trying to get me to be better about it but it’s so much harder than just deciding to focus more on me. Everyone has gotten comfortable in relying on me to do the little things for everyone else. It’s contradictory, I’m supposed to take care of my family and be responsible, but I’m also supposed to focus on my needs and do what’s right for me sometimes,  but nobody tells me when is the right time! Furthermore, there’s the guilt associated with taking breaks and caring for myself. It feels selfish and wrong. Why am I caring more about what I want than what everyone else wants? I could make many people happy or make myself happy and that decision seems like a no brainer.

I appreciate you and your time being put into this message. I’m so sorry to hear that about your brothers. I kinda tried my hardest to do what I could for my sisters because I didn’t want them to feel the way that I do, but it kinda backfired. The middle child in my family is selfish and self absorbed and the youngest is ignorant and ill-equipped to be independent. I feel awful knowing that I caused those behaviors, but being entirely honest I’d do it again. I don’t want them to have to be like me, seeing all of their friends happy and normal, both parents in their houses and feeling loved all of the time and feel like something’s missing from them, or wonder what they did wrong so that they deserve to lose something everyone else has. All consequences aside, I did the best with what I have and I continue to do so for their sake. Your mother sounds like a strong and resilient woman, and is appreciate her beyond belief because she helped make you the wonderful, caring, person you are today. I understand the pressure and weight you’re feeling, and I’m so sorry that you’re enduring that. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody because like you said, it really does make you grow up too fast. It doesn’t let you be a kid, it makes you learn things you should never learn about and makes you scared of the world because the people you’re supposed to trust the most hurt you.

Its good to acknowledge what you’ve gone through. More often than not talking about it helps you heal even if it hurts to relive old memories. The way I like to see it is, when I remember what happened, I know what kind of person I’m never going to be. I think through every action because I know that words do hurt, I know that I have the power to build someone up, or destroy their life, and I don’t want to kill someone’s spirit the way mine was. Few people deserve that brutal of a punishment.

 

pt 2.

Exactly what my dad did. It’s so funny how much we have in common. It’s a strange detail to share with someone, but it’s shared nonetheless and I’m grateful that I’m not entirely alone even though we’re kinda far from each other.

You described it perfectly. I’ve been told that I’m the problem. I’ve been told that I wasn’t meant to happen. I’ve been told that my mom didn’t want any kids. I know my parents have issues. But I also know that their problems exist, but they are only at the magnitude that they are because 16 years ago a baby was born and they were officially stuck with each other and stuck with responsibility they never should have had. Then they decided that their baby needed a good place to grow up so they moved away from their families and destroyed many relationships. Then they decided that baby should have a friend. Then they decided one more friend wouldn’t hurt. Then they decided they didn’t want babies anymore, and the ones they had were too much work. One parent dropped all responsibility, and the other did what she had to do, but nobody’s perfect and the stress of being a single parent is too much for anybody, and that makes people act differently than they used to. Everybody was compromised, because some idiot child was born at the wrong time and in the wrong place and wasn’t smart enough to behave and make things easier. It makes sense that these things happened. It was the only outcome for that scenario. And now here I am feeling bad about me when really I should be apologizing to my poor parents. I should be apologizing to my sisters. I should be apologizing to my teachers. I should be apologizing to my aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and everyone else who was so unfortunate as to be in my parents’ lives in December of 2006. I should apologize. 
 

And for all of those reasons, I cannot accept the idea that I deserve anything other than what I have. As they say, I made my bed and now I must lie in it. After all, each decision has a price, and this is mine.

 

[TinyDinos]

44 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @TinyDinos

It sounds like you're having some negative thoughts and feelings about yourself at the moment. I can tell that things are really getting to you at the moment, and I just want you to know that we all care about you here and we all want the best for you. We are all rooting for you here. I saw what you said about how you're a waste of space and resources, and I'm wondering, do you always feel like that, or are there some times when you feel like you aren't a waste in the way you described?

I posted a lengthy reply (sorry @Equivalent Ways) but it has to be moderated. I kind of explain myself and my reasoning there, but the cut and dry of it is yes, I feel like this every day.

[Equivalent Ways]

17 minutes ago, TinyDinos said:

Hey, thanks for replying, and I totally get it. I honestly know how it feels to see someone going through the same thing and how empowering it is to know that we’re not alone on our lonely journeys (as you put it so beautifully in reply to one of our other conversations). I’m sorry my messages come out so loaded haha. I tend to word vomit which makes sense why I’m better in English than math. I guess I just needed a good way to get my thoughts across  clearly, but it’s not my intention to put too much info, as I come across really strongly most times and it’s hard to deal with for most people. I’ll use the same strategy you did to make sure I address everything you wrote :)

pt. 1

I agree. I understand that they aren’t being malicious or anything because I know they’re really good people, and they do care, but I can’t help feeling neglected like you said. I think part of it is because of the neglect I received from my father up until now, and my poor friends are getting painted in a negative light because of it :(

My parents (mom and stepdad) are noticing more that I tend to put others before myself every opportunity I get but don’t practice enough self care and they’re trying to get me to be better about it but it’s so much harder than just deciding to focus more on me. Everyone has gotten comfortable in relying on me to do the little things for everyone else. It’s contradictory, I’m supposed to take care of my family and be responsible, but I’m also supposed to focus on my needs and do what’s right for me sometimes,  but nobody tells me when is the right time! Furthermore, there’s the guilt associated with taking breaks and caring for myself. It feels selfish and wrong. Why am I caring more about what I want than what everyone else wants? I could make many people happy or make myself happy and that decision seems like a no brainer.

I appreciate you and your time being put into this message. I’m so sorry to hear that about your brothers. I kinda tried my hardest to do what I could for my sisters because I didn’t want them to feel the way that I do, but it kinda backfired. The middle child in my family is selfish and self absorbed and the youngest is ignorant and ill-equipped to be independent. I feel awful knowing that I caused those behaviors, but being entirely honest I’d do it again. I don’t want them to have to be like me, seeing all of their friends happy and normal, both parents in their houses and feeling loved all of the time and feel like something’s missing from them, or wonder what they did wrong so that they deserve to lose something everyone else has. All consequences aside, I did the best with what I have and I continue to do so for their sake. Your mother sounds like a strong and resilient woman, and is appreciate her beyond belief because she helped make you the wonderful, caring, person you are today. I understand the pressure and weight you’re feeling, and I’m so sorry that you’re enduring that. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody because like you said, it really does make you grow up too fast. It doesn’t let you be a kid, it makes you learn things you should never learn about and makes you scared of the world because the people you’re supposed to trust the most hurt you.

Its good to acknowledge what you’ve gone through. More often than not talking about it helps you heal even if it hurts to relive old memories. The way I like to see it is, when I remember what happened, I know what kind of person I’m never going to be. I think through every action because I know that words do hurt, I know that I have the power to build someone up, or destroy their life, and I don’t want to kill someone’s spirit the way mine was. Few people deserve that brutal of a punishment.

pt 2.

Exactly what my dad did. It’s so funny how much we have in common. It’s a strange detail to share with someone, but it’s shared nonetheless and I’m grateful that I’m not entirely alone even though we’re kinda far from each other.

You described it perfectly. I’ve been told that I’m the problem. I’ve been told that I wasn’t meant to happen. I’ve been told that my mom didn’t want any kids. I know my parents have issues. But I also know that their problems exist, but they are only at the magnitude that they are because 16 years ago a baby was born and they were officially stuck with each other and stuck with responsibility they never should have had. Then they decided that their baby needed a good place to grow up so they moved away from their families and destroyed many relationships. Then they decided that baby should have a friend. Then they decided one more friend wouldn’t hurt. Then they decided they didn’t want babies anymore, and the ones they had were too much work. One parent dropped all responsibility, and the other did what she had to do, but nobody’s perfect and the stress of being a single parent is too much for anybody, and that makes people act differently than they used to. Everybody was compromised, because some idiot child was born at the wrong time and in the wrong place and wasn’t smart enough to behave and make things easier. It makes sense that these things happened. It was the only outcome for that scenario. And now here I am feeling bad about me when really I should be apologizing to my poor parents. I should be apologizing to my sisters. I should be apologizing to my teachers. I should be apologizing to my aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and everyone else who was so unfortunate as to be in my parents’ lives in December of 2006. I should apologize. 
 

And for all of those reasons, I cannot accept the idea that I deserve anything other than what I have. As they say, I made my bed and now I must lie in it. After all, each decision has a price, and this is mine.

Dang, you are one smart , and you put up some good points. I dont know how to cover all this..I will figure smth out!

1)Weirdly similar bio dad issues.       2) Some people are evil, while some people like friends can just trigger old stuff about our pasts.          3)The paste few months have been full of overwhelming flashbacks and I just have to tell myself, 'Im not there anymore', so I get it for sure!       4) I am glad that your parents are somewhat aware but i understand the contradictions like what do you want me to do then? Internal and external boundaries, I guess.           5) Sometimes I look at my little bro, and im like, "my big sibling sucked so i am not gonna do that to him"(btw when u break the line of trauma like that, like u and I are, it is just so cool and strong of us) but at the same time im like, "I wonder how much trauma i am accidentally giving him" :(               6) There was a time i was VERY upset at my parents cuz i was in rage about how I never wanted to be here, you brought me to this hell! So i dont feel like i need to apologize to my parents, although I also know how that can feel. I also thought, "wow, i am such a burden to my mom, I just am a waste of all these resources" I dont really feel that anymore tho.         7)It is not your job to apologize, and i mean that in a way that is hopefully relieving to you. You were not even born yet, you did not ruin anyone's life, you were but a sweet, innocent, pure, loving baby. To be seen as a mistake, is one of the most damaging things ever. One i was born its like my dad was like, "oh, i dont want you anymore, but since here i am I might as well treat you as an emotional doll and make you look good for my peers, but just know you will never be good enough and i will never love you for who you are"                                8)My dad, he was once a sweet, innocent, pure, loving baby, then he was abused, and the worst part is, he did not even try to give what I am to my little brother, he just continued on the trauma train and ran us all over.            9)I will try to appeal to your logical mind, to say that you are not worthy in these terms, its nonsensical. Even if you were told you were a mistake, you exist. Some people say god has a plan or he put you here for a reason, because ultimately a force was bigger than u or i decides this stuff, we are all connected to this circle of life that is undeniable because simply, we are HERE, so therefor that means we are meant to be HERE. The universe makes no mistakes ;)

sorry, i have a habit of bad grammar when i am typing fast

Gosh, it is snowing here rn and I just am so enjoying talking with you <3

[Equivalent Ways]

oh i really like your changes picture too btw ^^

[TinyDinos]

59 minutes ago, Equivalent Ways said:

Dang, you are one smart , and you put up some good points. I dont know how to cover all this..I will figure smth out!

1)Weirdly similar bio dad issues.       2) Some people are evil, while some people like friends can just trigger old stuff about our pasts.          3)The paste few months have been full of overwhelming flashbacks and I just have to tell myself, 'Im not there anymore', so I get it for sure!       4) I am glad that your parents are somewhat aware but i understand the contradictions like what do you want me to do then? Internal and external boundaries, I guess.           5) Sometimes I look at my little bro, and im like, "my big sibling sucked so i am not gonna do that to him"(btw when u break the line of trauma like that, like u and I are, it is just so cool and strong of us) but at the same time im like, "I wonder how much trauma i am accidentally giving him" :(               6) There was a time i was VERY upset at my parents cuz i was in rage about how I never wanted to be here, you brought me to this hell! So i dont feel like i need to apologize to my parents, although I also know how that can feel. I also thought, "wow, i am such a burden to my mom, I just am a waste of all these resources" I dont really feel that anymore tho.         7)It is not your job to apologize, and i mean that in a way that is hopefully relieving to you. You were not even born yet, you did not ruin anyone's life, you were but a sweet, innocent, pure, loving baby. To be seen as a mistake, is one of the most damaging things ever. One i was born its like my dad was like, "oh, i dont want you anymore, but since here i am I might as well treat you as an emotional doll and make you look good for my peers, but just know you will never be good enough and i will never love you for who you are"                                8)My dad, he was once a sweet, innocent, pure, loving baby, then he was abused, and the worst part is, he did not even try to give what I am to my little brother, he just continued on the trauma train and ran us all over.            9)I will try to appeal to your logical mind, to say that you are not worthy in these terms, its nonsensical. Even if you were told you were a mistake, you exist. Some people say god has a plan or he put you here for a reason, because ultimately a force was bigger than u or i decides this stuff, we are all connected to this circle of life that is undeniable because simply, we are HERE, so therefor that means we are meant to be HERE. The universe makes no mistakes ;)

sorry, i have a habit of bad grammar when i am typing fast

Gosh, it is snowing here rn and I just am so enjoying talking with you <3

Thanks, and no worries. I’m sorry about the super long reply :/

It seems like we get each other on so many topics it’s crazy. It isn’t easy to feel like I don’t have to apologize.. I can rationalize that I don’t have to because I never asked to be born, but I also feel responsible for everything going wrong because it was a result of my existence. I appreciate how you worded things to appeal to my thought process. That was honestly a great idea and I wouldn’t have ever thought of it that way, but I understand it much better phrased differently thank you . I’m Christian and I do believe that there’s a plan and purpose for my life, but I struggle with figuring out if that purpose is worth the destruction that comes with interactions with me. No worries about the grammar lol you did great :)

it’s rainy where I’m at and we have a winter weather advisory so it might snow. I’m loving talking with you too, I’m glad that you feel the same way. I worry that I get boring.
 

Also thanks about the pfp note. My old one was reflecting the fact that my hair was straightened so I changed it to look more like my natural hair haha.

[Equivalent Ways]

37 minutes ago, TinyDinos said:

Thanks, and no worries. I’m sorry about the super long reply :/

It seems like we get each other on so many topics it’s crazy. It isn’t easy to feel like I don’t have to apologize.. I can rationalize that I don’t have to because I never asked to be born, but I also feel responsible for everything going wrong because it was a result of my existence. I appreciate how you worded things to appeal to my thought process. That was honestly a great idea and I wouldn’t have ever thought of it that way, but I understand it much better phrased differently thank you . I’m Christian and I do believe that there’s a plan and purpose for my life, but I struggle with figuring out if that purpose is worth the destruction that comes with interactions with me. No worries about the grammar lol you did great :)

it’s rainy where I’m at and we have a winter weather advisory so it might snow. I’m loving talking with you too, I’m glad that you feel the same way. I worry that I get boring.
 

Also thanks about the pfp note. My old one was reflecting the fact that my hair was straightened so I changed it to look more like my natural hair haha.

You aren't boring I remember when I was in my darker times that logically, there were no reasons, but emotionally... That really is not easy, as you said. I am SO glad if the way I phrased it helped, And your sentence about knowing your path but struggling still, I relate to that soooo much. Im glad our talks are mutually enjoyable, it really is funny the stuff we both share  'I spent days prep-hair-ing for me making a pun about your curls'

You're doing great :)

[TinyDinos]

Just now, Equivalent Ways said:

You aren't boring I remember when I was in my darker times that logically, there were no reasons, but emotionally... That really is not easy, as you said. I am SO glad if the way I phrased it helped, And your sentence about knowing your path but struggling still, I relate to that soooo much. Im glad our talks are mutually enjoyable, it really is funny the stuff we both share  'I spent days prep-hair-ing for me making a pun about your curls'

You're doing great :)

We really do! I’m really glad we met :)

Bahahahaha I shouldn’t have laughed out loud but I did  

I love puns and that genuinely made me smile at my screen

[Equivalent Ways]

36 minutes ago, TinyDinos said:

We really do! I’m really glad we met :)

Bahahahaha I shouldn’t have laughed out loud but I did  

I love puns and that genuinely made me smile at my screen

omg most ppl don't like my punsThat makes Me so happy! I am also so glad we met, gives me hope for this world that there are people like yall out there

 

[TinyDinos]

2 minutes ago, Equivalent Ways said:

omg most ppl don't like my punsThat makes Me so happy! I am also so glad we met, gives me hope for this world that there are people like yall out there

Legit!!!! My sisters hate my “dad jokes” but I think they’re pretty funny  

[Equivalent Ways]

1 minute ago, TinyDinos said:

Legit!!!! My sisters hate my “dad jokes” but I think they’re pretty funny  

I am always cracking myself up lol, i try hard to place my puns well cuz that is what makes them great. I thought i was rather indecisive about it, but now im not so sure ;) I am so fortunate to have another joker with me. -inserts image of a fortune cookie here-

[TinyDinos]

30 minutes ago, Equivalent Ways said:

I am always cracking myself up lol, i try hard to place my puns well cuz that is what makes them great. I thought i was rather indecisive about it, but now im not so sure ;) I am so fortunate to have another joker with me. -inserts image of a fortune cookie here-

I can’t even with you

[Equivalent Ways]

1 hour ago, TinyDinos said:

I can’t even with you

[Monsoon]

8 hours ago, Equivalent Ways said:

Dang, you are one smart , and you put up some good points. I dont know how to cover all this..I will figure smth out!

1)Weirdly similar bio dad issues.       2) Some people are evil, while some people like friends can just trigger old stuff about our pasts.          3)The paste few months have been full of overwhelming flashbacks and I just have to tell myself, 'Im not there anymore', so I get it for sure!       4) I am glad that your parents are somewhat aware but i understand the contradictions like what do you want me to do then? Internal and external boundaries, I guess.           5) Sometimes I look at my little bro, and im like, "my big sibling sucked so i am not gonna do that to him"(btw when u break the line of trauma like that, like u and I are, it is just so cool and strong of us) but at the same time im like, "I wonder how much trauma i am accidentally giving him" :(               6) There was a time i was VERY upset at my parents cuz i was in rage about how I never wanted to be here, you brought me to this hell! So i dont feel like i need to apologize to my parents, although I also know how that can feel. I also thought, "wow, i am such a burden to my mom, I just am a waste of all these resources" I dont really feel that anymore tho.         7)It is not your job to apologize, and i mean that in a way that is hopefully relieving to you. You were not even born yet, you did not ruin anyone's life, you were but a sweet, innocent, pure, loving baby. To be seen as a mistake, is one of the most damaging things ever. One i was born its like my dad was like, "oh, i dont want you anymore, but since here i am I might as well treat you as an emotional doll and make you look good for my peers, but just know you will never be good enough and i will never love you for who you are"                                8)My dad, he was once a sweet, innocent, pure, loving baby, then he was abused, and the worst part is, he did not even try to give what I am to my little brother, he just continued on the trauma train and ran us all over.            9)I will try to appeal to your logical mind, to say that you are not worthy in these terms, its nonsensical. Even if you were told you were a mistake, you exist. Some people say god has a plan or he put you here for a reason, because ultimately a force was bigger than u or i decides this stuff, we are all connected to this circle of life that is undeniable because simply, we are HERE, so therefor that means we are meant to be HERE. The universe makes no mistakes ;)

sorry, i have a habit of bad grammar when i am typing fast

Gosh, it is snowing here rn and I just am so enjoying talking with you <3

Hey there,

I just wanted to jump in if that's okay? I noticed what you said about how your dad continues the trauma train that ran you all over, and I'm just wondering, are you able to tell us more about what happened there? I just want to check that you are safe at home, and if abuse has happened in the past, I just want you to know that this is a completely safe space where you can share whatever you feel comfortable talking about. Take care and speak soon. 

[Equivalent Ways]

8 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I just wanted to jump in if that's okay? I noticed what you said about how your dad continues the trauma train that ran you all over, and I'm just wondering, are you able to tell us more about what happened there? I just want to check that you are safe at home, and if abuse has happened in the past, I just want you to know that this is a completely safe space where you can share whatever you feel comfortable talking about. Take care and speak soon. 

Hey @Monsoon, thanks for that. I am safe here, and I can actually start healing all there mental wounds. My dad was a big narcissist and emotional manipulator for my entire childhood and giving my mom a super hard time. Luckily though, my mom is a strong woman and did all kinds of things to keep us and her as safe as she could. I am with her rn and some other family. I have not seen my dad in 4 years now, and I was the one who had to put that boundary in place, but I think the court also helped some, along with my therapist. It really sucks, my mom, older brother, and me were very affected by his behavior. I am trying to untangle it now, and the more I do the more messed up I see it was. So that’s why I used the train metaphor, I may be safe now(though my ptsd does not think so) but he just did not care, was malicious, and did a lot of damage. 

[Monsoon]

1 hour ago, Equivalent Ways said:

Hey @Monsoon, thanks for that. I am safe here, and I can actually start healing all there mental wounds. My dad was a big narcissist and emotional manipulator for my entire childhood and giving my mom a super hard time. Luckily though, my mom is a strong woman and did all kinds of things to keep us and her as safe as she could. I am with her rn and some other family. I have not seen my dad in 4 years now, and I was the one who had to put that boundary in place, but I think the court also helped some, along with my therapist. It really sucks, my mom, older brother, and me were very affected by his behavior. I am trying to untangle it now, and the more I do the more messed up I see it was. So that’s why I used the train metaphor, I may be safe now(though my ptsd does not think so) but he just did not care, was malicious, and did a lot of damage. 

Hey there,

I'm really sorry to hear that you had such a hard time with your dad; it sounds like it's had a big impact on you which is completely understandable, but it sounds like you're in a better environment now which must be a relief for you. I can see what you said about you may be safe now, but that your PTSD does not think so, and I'm just wondering, can you tell me more about that? What is that like for you?

[TinyDinos]

1 hour ago, Equivalent Ways said:

Hey @Monsoon, thanks for that. I am safe here, and I can actually start healing all there mental wounds. My dad was a big narcissist and emotional manipulator for my entire childhood and giving my mom a super hard time. Luckily though, my mom is a strong woman and did all kinds of things to keep us and her as safe as she could. I am with her rn and some other family. I have not seen my dad in 4 years now, and I was the one who had to put that boundary in place, but I think the court also helped some, along with my therapist. It really sucks, my mom, older brother, and me were very affected by his behavior. I am trying to untangle it now, and the more I do the more messed up I see it was. So that’s why I used the train metaphor, I may be safe now(though my ptsd does not think so) but he just did not care, was malicious, and did a lot of damage. 

This. 
I will literally never understand how you justget it

I really thought I was the only one for so long, and I can’t express how relieved I am to know I’m not alone.

[Equivalent Ways]

I felt so alone @Monsoonand @TinyDinos. I am so proud of myself to be here now.

1)My PTSD (or cptsd) is what dives me crazy a lot, with flashbacks and memories(only now that i am out of the situation can i process it) twisted realities, helplessness, manipulated lies, gossip, blaming, betrayal, evil behavior coated as love, and more. It is so much to process when a lot of people think you are lazy or moping around. It is really hard, to do daily tasks, to talk to people...

But,

The power of truth, love and compassion, when they are alchemized together, that's what it is about. That is how I have survived to this point.

DTL has been very therapeutic for me(more than some of my unhelpful therapists have been) I am grateful. And @TinyDinos, you are such a great friend and human, we are not alone, we are alone together

[Monsoon]

5 hours ago, Equivalent Ways said:

I felt so alone @Monsoonand @TinyDinos. I am so proud of myself to be here now.

1)My PTSD (or cptsd) is what dives me crazy a lot, with flashbacks and memories(only now that i am out of the situation can i process it) twisted realities, helplessness, manipulated lies, gossip, blaming, betrayal, evil behavior coated as love, and more. It is so much to process when a lot of people think you are lazy or moping around. It is really hard, to do daily tasks, to talk to people...

But,

The power of truth, love and compassion, when they are alchemized together, that's what it is about. That is how I have survived to this point.

DTL has been very therapeutic for me(more than some of my unhelpful therapists have been) I am grateful. And @TinyDinos, you are such a great friend and human, we are not alone, we are alone together

Hey @Equivalent Ways

Thank you for sharing more about your experiences with me. It sounds like you experiences so many challenges previously that would be difficult for anyone to face, but I am also proud of you for being here now and that you have survived. Your resilience is shining through in the way you describe your experiences and this will help you continue to move forward :). I'm wondering, what do you think is next for you on your journey? What would you like to acheive?

[Equivalent Ways]

3 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @Equivalent Ways

Thank you for sharing more about your experiences with me. It sounds like you experiences so many challenges previously that would be difficult for anyone to face, but I am also proud of you for being here now and that you have survived. Your resilience is shining through in the way you describe your experiences and this will help you continue to move forward :). I'm wondering, what do you think is next for you on your journey? What would you like to acheive?

Thank you, yall are on the ball, i like that. That means a lot to me. So yes, it was one he11ish childhood with my dad, and I am also proud I am here. In some of my time, I was able to think about my future. Then I got extremely overwhelmed. This one about the future is one of my most challenging issues. And I just don't know all the stuff, I got a lot I am working on. But here is something really profound i am just starting to realize:

You don't need to have everything figured out to be loved

And to specifically answer your questions; i am gonna be over here, continuing to be obnoxiously curious and undoubtably inspired(cuz I can't not be)and a little bit clever lol and My secret dream that i am gonna reveal is.....

I would love to own some goats, or work with goats/chickens. They aren't always the cute instagram animals, and that is not an issue for me. I love eggs and my current chickens ranging around the backyard, and goats/potbelly pigs just speak to my heart. Of course this dream might change but ya :)

oh but also, my goal is always to make it to the next night-fall, day by day

Onward!

[Equivalent Ways]

My post is being approved rn

but gosh i just feel so tired tonight, I have been doing a good job today i guess i am just a little worn out