My friend is upsetting me a lot but doesn't seem to care

[downinthedumps]

My best friend of 5 years and I are probably on the brink of falling out for good. We used to hang out more a few years ago but year after year we've seemed to have gotten further apart. We never really hung out properly - he would never come out to occasions or social outings. He would only meet for the odd pub meal but that's not been recently (last 2 years or so). We had one day trip a year ago that was fun and we had one movie night a year and half ago. For years he's said he'd hang out and do certain things. He's just separated from his wife who was controlling. But he has gotten with someone else straight away and has done activities with her which I can understand. But he made plans with her that we've been talking about for 3 years. I sent him an email in 2015 actually explaining how upset I was about not doing any activities together. Nothing has changed. Anyway this plan we kept talking about, he's planned with his new girlfriend and then asked me along as a tag along. He didn't really plan anything with me just invited me. Because I can't afford to go and said could he wait a couple of weeks - which is fair considering I've been on hold for 3 years and he kind of seemed to guilt trip me saying he'll habe to ask his girlfriend as she might have invited other people. The thing is that I would have appreciated more communication and like I was a part of the actual planning. But I feel like I'm just an afterthought. I feel unappreciated for my constant patience with him. Since then he hasn't mentioned a word about this. I feel like basically he's asked his girlfriend and she's said no so they're are probably going without me despite him knowing how upset I am. He just seems to be ignoring me because I don't think he knows how to say 'I'm being a jerk and prioritising my new girlfriend and blowing you off yet again'. I feel upset and angry at the same time. I would just appreciate just a damn apology or him taking some responsibility for his actions and just maybe act like he cares rather than just ignore me and not even let me know what's happening. I now feel paranoid that he's just trying to keep it from me. Worse I feel like maybe he'd lie about it to me. I'm tired of feeling so upset

[downinthedumps]

Oh I just wanted to add that in the time he's not done any activities with me, he has gone and done other things with other people quite often, just not me but he calls me his best friend.

[Willow]

Hey DownInTheDumps,

 

I'm sorry to hear that this person you want to be your friend isn't being present as the friend you hope to have!

 

I'm curious about the email you sent. That was three years ago-- nothing changed in those early days after the email? How did he respond to it?

 

I think it's reasonable for you to want a particular style of friendship with your best friend... but maybe you two have different ideas of what 'best friend' means. What does 'best friend' mean to you?

 

Here's an article on friendships, and helping recognise the difference between healthy and unhealthy friendships:

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/are-they-really-your-friend-15-signs-that-suggest-otherwise/

 

If you haven't spoken to him about your frustrations, recently, here's an article on conflict resolution. Have some ideas of what you would like to change, and then you'd brainstorm with him on ways those goals could be achieved. Maybe they're unable to put in that energy-- and then it's up to you to decide how much energy you're willing to put in a relationship that doesn't reciprocate in a balanced way.

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/speak-anyone-anything-conflict-resolution/

 

I don't think your friend is trying to be a bad friend, or dismissive of you... but it's hard because, like you said, there's a lack of communication. You can't know much, if you haven't had conversations with him.

 

-willow