being 1st gen is so hard

[blueveronica]

my mother is so cruel, she just doesn't get what a predicament i'm in. originally my family wanted to go to India this summer, which historically, I have never liked staying there. my relatives always give me a hard time for being American and not being able to speak the language. but the only reason i don't know the language is because my mother gave up on teaching me when i was younger and i have no one else to learn it from. today i brought up the India trip and she said we're not going because my father has indirectly stated he is afraid to go on planes. she said that if she wants to go she will go with her brother. and i said what about me. and she said "well you never want to go and i have the texts to prove it". it's true i don't like going but if i don't go with family then that link is lost forever. i'm so conflicted because i will never be able to be myself around these people (they don't know i'm queer), and these people are never going to take accountability for the hell they've put me through, but i don't want to lose access to my culture and homeland. she just doesn't get it. she has so little faith in me for anything. she makes me feel like shit just so she can exert control over me. my family has never loved me and i don't have anyone else to talk to or get advice from about this. i feel like as a 1st gen it's so hard to get support because most people don't get it and i don't know what to do. i also have a ton of other things on my mind to worry about right now, which is not helping. i just want to run away. 

Edited February 12, 2023 by blueveronica

[Aurora]

Hi there, thank you for sharing this with us. I can hear how conflicted you are and I totally agree, being 1st gen is really hard. It's so difficult to find your own identity and it can feel like you don't quite fit in anywhere. Would you agree? I noticed that you put a trigger warning on your post with "suicide/mental health". I might be reading too much into this but before I comment on anything else on your post I just wanted to check in with you and make sure you are feeling safe. In case you ever need it, here is some safety information. If you ever feel like you are in crisis then you can reach out to the following (you mentioned that you live in America so these are specific to the USA): 

 

 

• The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org/

You can speak to them online or over the phone by calling 988. You can also send a text to this number. 988 is the three digit dialling code that will route your call to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

• The TREVOR Project https://www.thetrevorproject.org

Specific crisis support for LGBTQ+ young people and are available over the phone on 1-866-488-7386, by texting ‘START’ to 678-678 or via Online Chat: Select ‘start chat’ here.

 

 

Remember, you can always call the emergency services or go to your local emergency department for support

 Please know that we are here for you.

 

 

[blueveronica]

yeah i'm feeling safe now. now that i think about it, it feels like my mother is putting me in a difficult position so that she can feel superior to me in some way. like she can feel like she's better than me by allowing herself that connection with her homeland but denying my access to it. i don't like the idea that my mother is going to hold it against me forever that i don't like going there. the truth is, i don't like the people, but i like the land. i like the experience of being in a tropical environment that i have an ancestral connection to. like where else am i going to be able to see paddy fields and cows roaming everywhere and coconut trees???? being there is a much different experience than being at home. i feel like there's much more a sense of community there, but i also know that i can never truly belong to that community. it's so weird. there's a lot of things i hate, like getting sick, not being able to talk to anyone, being ridiculed, etc. and then there's the one or two things i appreciate about it. i also just hate the idea of anything being the last time i do something. if my mother doesn't allow me to go to india that means that five years ago will have been the last time i ever saw my aunts, uncles, and cousins. i don't even really like them but the thought that i will never see them again for the rest of my life feels a little cruel. 

[Aurora]

5 hours ago, blueveronica said:

yeah i'm feeling safe now. now that i think about it, it feels like my mother is putting me in a difficult position so that she can feel superior to me in some way. like she can feel like she's better than me by allowing herself that connection with her homeland but denying my access to it. i don't like the idea that my mother is going to hold it against me forever that i don't like going there. the truth is, i don't like the people, but i like the land. i like the experience of being in a tropical environment that i have an ancestral connection to. like where else am i going to be able to see paddy fields and cows roaming everywhere and coconut trees???? being there is a much different experience than being at home. i feel like there's much more a sense of community there, but i also know that i can never truly belong to that community. it's so weird. there's a lot of things i hate, like getting sick, not being able to talk to anyone, being ridiculed, etc. and then there's the one or two things i appreciate about it. i also just hate the idea of anything being the last time i do something. if my mother doesn't allow me to go to india that means that five years ago will have been the last time i ever saw my aunts, uncles, and cousins. i don't even really like them but the thought that i will never see them again for the rest of my life feels a little cruel. 

Hi there, I'm glad to hear you are feeling safe.

Thanks so much for explaining everything to me. I can completely understand, why you still feel a connection to India even if there are a lot of things you hate about it. Hating certain aspects about something doesn't mean we can't still feel connected to it. In fact, I find if we have strong feelings for something (good or bad) it's often a sign that we feel connected - if we didn't feel connected we just wouldn't care about it. Do you agree? I also get why you feel like you can never truly belong to that community and that's OK, too. It's great that you want to go back though and I get the impression that you want to keep the connection that you have to the land and the community. I can imagine that going there might help you to understand your own identity better. What do you think?

I can tell that you feel really upset that your mother wants to go without you and I can understand why that is upsetting for you. I'm wondering, do you think there is a chance that your mother somehow feels hurt that you have previously told her that you don't enjoy going there and that this is why she is reacting the way she is? Maybe she doesn't realise how important it is for you to keep that connection. What do you think? 

[blueveronica]

i do think going there would help me contextualize myself and who i am. i just hate that i have to put up with all the people who think i'll never be good enough. 

i don't see why she would be upset now because she has known for years that going there isn't the best experience. even she said she doesn't feel like she belongs there anymore. i don't know why she's throwing a fit about it now. maybe she feels insecure about her own connection to india, but i can't be sure. she loves to take out her insecurities on everyone around her. i was surprised when she said she wanted to go with her brother because she doesn't even really get along with him. they had a bit of a falling out but the past year he has been visiting us again and my mother said she thinks her brother wants to mend that relationship. she's a horrible communicator and unhealthy person overall, so i can't ever really know what her thought process is, i can just guess. one thing i know for sure is that she will never understand what it has been like to be raised by her and she will never even make an attempt to understand my perspective about things. 

[Aurora]

11 hours ago, blueveronica said:

i do think going there would help me contextualize myself and who i am. i just hate that i have to put up with all the people who think i'll never be good enough. 

i don't see why she would be upset now because she has known for years that going there isn't the best experience. even she said she doesn't feel like she belongs there anymore. i don't know why she's throwing a fit about it now. maybe she feels insecure about her own connection to india, but i can't be sure. she loves to take out her insecurities on everyone around her. i was surprised when she said she wanted to go with her brother because she doesn't even really get along with him. they had a bit of a falling out but the past year he has been visiting us again and my mother said she thinks her brother wants to mend that relationship. she's a horrible communicator and unhealthy person overall, so i can't ever really know what her thought process is, i can just guess. one thing i know for sure is that she will never understand what it has been like to be raised by her and she will never even make an attempt to understand my perspective about things. 

I'm sorry that she will never make an attempt to understand your perspective in things. That must be frustrating. You strike me as a very reflective person and I get the impression that you are trying to understand your mother and where she is coming from. Is that right? I'm wondering, do you think it would be worth, having another conversation with your mum about the trip. And if yes, what is the one thing you would like her to know? Alternatively, could you plan to go to India at a later date, without your mother? Maybe you could take a friend with you? Do you think that might work? 

[blueveronica]

I think we might end up having a conversation later anyway but I don't want to be the one to initiate the conversation. I would just want to remind her that she has also said in the past that she doesn't like going to India. I would also want her to understand that I want to remain connected with the land even if I don't like the people and that when she says she does not want to take me she is saying she doesn't want me to see my extended relatives again. I could go to India later if I ever get a friend who also wants to go explore their culture. 

[Aurora]

On 2/16/2023 at 3:58 AM, blueveronica said:

I think we might end up having a conversation later anyway but I don't want to be the one to initiate the conversation. I would just want to remind her that she has also said in the past that she doesn't like going to India. I would also want her to understand that I want to remain connected with the land even if I don't like the people and that when she says she does not want to take me she is saying she doesn't want me to see my extended relatives again. I could go to India later if I ever get a friend who also wants to go explore their culture. 

I think those are some really important things you want your mother to know and I hope you get the opportunity to explain it to her at some point. How do you feel about everything now? 

[blueveronica]

i feel fine now. i think as long as i don't think about it too much and focus on all the stuff i have to do right now, i'm fine. 

[Aurora]

17 hours ago, blueveronica said:

i feel fine now. i think as long as i don't think about it too much and focus on all the stuff i have to do right now, i'm fine. 

That's good to hear. We are here for you if you do want to talk about it some more or if you have anything else on your mind