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My sexuality has been only given me pain


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Hi, I am gay and for my entire life my sexuality has only given me pain. Since most people in my country are homophobic, I have always hidden my sexuality. Most people around me, including my family members (with one exception) have been extremely homophobic. I had pretty awkward conversations with my mother, since she has started asking me about getting a girlfriend and about my sexual life. It feels hard trying to lie without giving any "gay" signs. I am currently in university, pretty far from home. I am trying to distance myself from my home. since I have been having mostly bad memories. 

I have been also struggling with crushes for the past 3 years. I had really deep feelings for my best friend, and I could say that confessing to him was not really the best decision. The first few months after I told him about my feelings, he became kinda toxic and distant. Eventually, things started getting.. closer to normal. We are still really good friends, but the friendship isn't even close to what it was.

Currently I think I am having feelings for a roommate. I am not 100% sure if I am really having feelings for this person or if am just feeling like this since I am really lonely. I think I have a thing for people who are kind and actually not judgemental. I really wish I had a shoulder to cry on. There is a small chance that the feelings may be mutual, but I think that is just my imagination. All I know is that I don't want to go through the same suffering I went through when I had feelings for my best friend. I can't really isolate myself from this person since we are roommates and changing the room is not really an option for me at the moment.

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14 hours ago, Marvin said:

Hi, I am gay and for my entire life my sexuality has only given me pain. Since most people in my country are homophobic, I have always hidden my sexuality. Most people around me, including my family members (with one exception) have been extremely homophobic. I had pretty awkward conversations with my mother, since she has started asking me about getting a girlfriend and about my sexual life. It feels hard trying to lie without giving any "gay" signs. I am currently in university, pretty far from home. I am trying to distance myself from my home. since I have been having mostly bad memories. 

I have been also struggling with crushes for the past 3 years. I had really deep feelings for my best friend, and I could say that confessing to him was not really the best decision. The first few months after I told him about my feelings, he became kinda toxic and distant. Eventually, things started getting.. closer to normal. We are still really good friends, but the friendship isn't even close to what it was.

Currently I think I am having feelings for a roommate. I am not 100% sure if I am really having feelings for this person or if am just feeling like this since I am really lonely. I think I have a thing for people who are kind and actually not judgemental. I really wish I had a shoulder to cry on. There is a small chance that the feelings may be mutual, but I think that is just my imagination. All I know is that I don't want to go through the same suffering I went through when I had feelings for my best friend. I can't really isolate myself from this person since we are roommates and changing the room is not really an option for me at the moment.

Hi @Marvin, thank you for reaching out and being so open about what has been going on for you. I'm really sorry that you have grown up in a homophobic environment and it sounds like you've spent a lot of your life, hiding who you truly are. Is that right? That must be really tough and I can see why you feel like your sexuality has only given you pain. I would like to reassure you that it doesn't always have to be like this and you will meet people who will accept you for who you truly are. Do you mind me asking, how things have been since you've moved away to go to university? Have you been able to be more open about your sexuality since then? 

It sounds like you are trying to figure out your feelings for your roommate and I can understand why you are reluctant to talk to him about how you feel, after what happened with your best friend. Can I ask, does your roommate know that you are gay and do you know what his sexuality is? 

Please know that we are here for you and this is a safe space where you can be your true self! 

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28 minutes ago, Aurora said:

Hi @Marvin, thank you for reaching out and being so open about what has been going on for you. I'm really sorry that you have grown up in a homophobic environment and it sounds like you've spent a lot of your life, hiding who you truly are. Is that right? That must be really tough and I can see why you feel like your sexuality has only given you pain. I would like to reassure you that it doesn't always have to be like this and you will meet people who will accept you for who you truly are. Do you mind me asking, how things have been since you've moved away to go to university? Have you been able to be more open about your sexuality since then? 

It sounds like you are trying to figure out your feelings for your roommate and I can understand why you are reluctant to talk to him about how you feel, after what happened with your best friend. Can I ask, does your roommate know that you are gay and do you know what his sexuality is? 

Please know that we are here for you and this is a safe space where you can be your true self! 

Hi! Thanks for answering! Almost no one knows about my sexuality and despite not hearing any homophobic comment from my friends and my roommates, I still consider that coming out is very risky. About my roommate, I am not 100% sure if he is just straight or bi. I am pretty sure he is attracted to women.

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22 hours ago, Marvin said:

Hi! Thanks for answering! Almost no one knows about my sexuality and despite not hearing any homophobic comment from my friends and my roommates, I still consider that coming out is very risky. About my roommate, I am not 100% sure if he is just straight or bi. I am pretty sure he is attracted to women.

Hi @Marvin, that must be really tough that you feel like you can't come out to your friends or your roommates because you feel it will be very risky. However, your safety is the top priority here and if you feel like coming out would put your safety at risk it's probably best not to tell people. Can I ask, does anyone at your university know that you are gay? It sounds to me like you could really do with having someone you can talk to and be yourself. I'm wondering, have you had a look whether there are any LGBTQ+ groups at your university. A lot of universities offer this now, even in countries where you wouldn't necessarily expect it. 

You mentioned that you are not 100% sure if your roommate is straight or bi. In that case, I would suggest that you maybe subtly try and find out a bit more about his sexuality and his views towards the LGBTQ+ community before you think about what to do next. How does that sound? 

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1 hour ago, Aurora said:

Hi @Marvin, that must be really tough that you feel like you can't come out to your friends or your roommates because you feel it will be very risky. However, your safety is the top priority here and if you feel like coming out would put your safety at risk it's probably best not to tell people. Can I ask, does anyone at your university know that you are gay? It sounds to me like you could really do with having someone you can talk to and be yourself. I'm wondering, have you had a look whether there are any LGBTQ+ groups at your university. A lot of universities offer this now, even in countries where you wouldn't necessarily expect it. 

You mentioned that you are not 100% sure if your roommate is straight or bi. In that case, I would suggest that you maybe subtly try and find out a bit more about his sexuality and his views towards the LGBTQ+ community before you think about what to do next. How does that sound? 

The only person from my university I have talked about my sexuality with is my therapist, which has been very supportive. I am not sure how I could find out what my roommate's sexuality is. About LGTQ groups in my university, I haven't found any, but I will look more into it, thank you for your suggestion.

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3 minutes ago, Marvin said:

The only person from my university I have talked about my sexuality with is my therapist, which has been very supportive. I am not sure how I could find out what my roommate's sexuality is. About LGTQ groups in my university, I haven't found any, but I will look more into it, thank you for your suggestion.

Turns out there isn't any lgbtq club or community in my university, not even in my city

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On 1/17/2023 at 3:16 PM, Marvin said:

Turns out there isn't any lgbtq club or community in my university, not even in my city

Oh no, how frustrating! I don't think this necessarily means that there isn't a LGBTQ+ community out there but it sounds like it is really difficult to find them in your city.

I'm glad you could open up to your therapist. Do you mind me asking, if you're still seeing them and have they had any advice that you found helpful? 

With regards to your roommate, maybe you could start off by talking about something LGBTQ+ you've seen on social media and see how they react or ask them for their opinion?  If you feel like you can, you could make your opinion quite clear so he know it's OK to be honest if he feels the same eg "I read about.... Isn't it terrible how people get treated" or "I read about ... It's really good to hear that things are changing". Or maybe you could watch something with a LGBTQ+ storyline together and see what he says. Do you think that might work? Depending on how he reacts, this might give you an indication of of how he feels and might lead to more conversations  What do you think? 

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On 1/20/2023 at 3:15 PM, Aurora said:

Oh no, how frustrating! I don't think this necessarily means that there isn't a LGBTQ+ community out there but it sounds like it is really difficult to find them in your city.

I'm glad you could open up to your therapist. Do you mind me asking, if you're still seeing them and have they had any advice that you found helpful? 

With regards to your roommate, maybe you could start off by talking about something LGBTQ+ you've seen on social media and see how they react or ask them for their opinion?  If you feel like you can, you could make your opinion quite clear so he know it's OK to be honest if he feels the same eg "I read about.... Isn't it terrible how people get treated" or "I read about ... It's really good to hear that things are changing". Or maybe you could watch something with a LGBTQ+ storyline together and see what he says. Do you think that might work? Depending on how he reacts, this might give you an indication of of how he feels and might lead to more conversations  What do you think? 

I think I already give the "gay" vibes judging by my gestures, voice and stuff. I don't think it would be a good idea talking about lgbtq with them. My therapist has been really helpful, but I find it hard to talk about my love interests with people who know me personally, so I don't talk too much about it. She knows I had feelings for my best friend, but I haven't told her about the current situation

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On 1/21/2023 at 7:56 PM, Marvin said:

I think I already give the "gay" vibes judging by my gestures, voice and stuff. I don't think it would be a good idea talking about lgbtq with them. My therapist has been really helpful, but I find it hard to talk about my love interests with people who know me personally, so I don't talk too much about it. She knows I had feelings for my best friend, but I haven't told her about the current situation

From what you've been telling me I get the impression that you've made some good connections at university and you've been able to be a little more open about things than you have been at home. However it sounds like you can't be your true self and say or do things you would like to - even around the people you like and care about. And the main reason for this is because you don't feel it would be safe to do so. Is that right? I'm wondering, can you think of anything that would make your situation easier right now? And do you mind me asking if you have made any plans yet what you want to do and where you might go after university? 

I also wanted to reassure you that we are here for you and you can always be your true self on our community 

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2 hours ago, Aurora said:

From what you've been telling me I get the impression that you've made some good connections at university and you've been able to be a little more open about things than you have been at home. However it sounds like you can't be your true self and say or do things you would like to - even around the people you like and care about. And the main reason for this is because you don't feel it would be safe to do so. Is that right? I'm wondering, can you think of anything that would make your situation easier right now? And do you mind me asking if you have made any plans yet what you want to do and where you might go after university? 

I also wanted to reassure you that we are here for you and you can always be your true self on our community 

Thank you for all the kind answers! Right now, I am trying to change rooms and move with a friend. It may be kinda complicated since I would have to move to another dorm, which means I need aproval from the university. You are right, when it comes to my sexuality, it wouldn't be safe to be open about it. About plans after I finish university, I would like to either stay in this city or move even further away from home, pursuing my dream of becoming a programmer. I want to stop depending on my family, specially financially and maybe, eventually, be able to provide some help for them too. I have many hopes and dreams, which I am working really hard for. 

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Am I right in thinking that you are trying to change rooms as you're finding it difficult living with someone you have feelings for and not being able to show it? I've noticed that even though you're in a difficult situation at the moment, where you can't be your true self around others, you are finding ways on how you can looking after yourself and your wellbeing! Would you agree? 

Thank you for telling me a bit more about your hopes and dreams. You sounds like you know what you want in life with regards to your career and finances 🙂. I'm just wondering if you have thought about your personal life and how you might be able to live somewhere, where you can be more open about your sexuality? 

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1 hour ago, Aurora said:

Am I right in thinking that you are trying to change rooms as you're finding it difficult living with someone you have feelings for and not being able to show it? I've noticed that even though you're in a difficult situation at the moment, where you can't be your true self around others, you are finding ways on how you can looking after yourself and your wellbeing! Would you agree? 

Thank you for telling me a bit more about your hopes and dreams. You sounds like you know what you want in life with regards to your career and finances 🙂. I'm just wondering if you have thought about your personal life and how you might be able to live somewhere, where you can be more open about your sexuality? 

You are right, I am having a hard time to stay in the same room with someone I have feelings for, which is one of the main reasons I want to change rooms. I am indeed trying to look after myself and my wellbeing.

About my personal life, I wish I had a partner to look after me, someone I could share my life with, in short terms, "a shoulder to cry on". After all this time I have realised that achieving such thing is very hard and that I have nothing to do but to focus on myself. I would like to live somewhere where I could be more open about my sexuality, but I don't necessarily prioritize it. I would like to not keep my sexuality a secret, while in the same time, I don't want people to focus on it. 

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20 hours ago, Marvin said:

You are right, I am having a hard time to stay in the same room with someone I have feelings for, which is one of the main reasons I want to change rooms. I am indeed trying to look after myself and my wellbeing.

About my personal life, I wish I had a partner to look after me, someone I could share my life with, in short terms, "a shoulder to cry on". After all this time I have realised that achieving such thing is very hard and that I have nothing to do but to focus on myself. I would like to live somewhere where I could be more open about my sexuality, but I don't necessarily prioritize it. I would like to not keep my sexuality a secret, while in the same time, I don't want people to focus on it. 

It seems like changing my room kinda is out of the question since practically, I would be move into another dorm. I guess that the best thing I can do in this situation is to just distance myself from my roommate. Find as many oportunities as possible to go outside, study in the library etc. I need to focus my mind on other things. 

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15 minutes ago, Marvin said:

It seems like changing my room kinda is out of the question since practically, I would be move into another dorm. I guess that the best thing I can do in this situation is to just distance myself from my roommate. Find as many oportunities as possible to go outside, study in the library etc. I need to focus my mind on other things. 

I'm sorry to hear that you won't be able to change rooms. I can understand why you're finding it hard to stay in the same room with someone you have feelings for. How long will you be sharing a room with him? Do you get to move out after this academic year?

I also wanted to pick up on something you said about your personal life and that you wouldn't necessarily prioritise living somewhere where you can be more open about your sexuality. Can I ask, what do you think is important to you when you think about your future and what is it that you would like to prioritise? 

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2 hours ago, Aurora said:

I'm sorry to hear that you won't be able to change rooms. I can understand why you're finding it hard to stay in the same room with someone you have feelings for. How long will you be sharing a room with him? Do you get to move out after this academic year?

I also wanted to pick up on something you said about your personal life and that you wouldn't necessarily prioritise living somewhere where you can be more open about your sexuality. Can I ask, what do you think is important to you when you think about your future and what is it that you would like to prioritise? 

We will be roommates at least for the rest of the academic year. I would choose the same roomates next year, since they are very nice people. I think it is a bit hard to get good roommates. 

About my future, I prioritise my phisycal and mental health, and my career. I have big dreams for the future, but sometimes the effort I need to get through in order to achieve those dreams feels overwhelming. I feel really lonely..

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On 1/25/2023 at 3:37 PM, Marvin said:

We will be roommates at least for the rest of the academic year. I would choose the same roomates next year, since they are very nice people. I think it is a bit hard to get good roommates. 

About my future, I prioritise my phisycal and mental health, and my career. I have big dreams for the future, but sometimes the effort I need to get through in order to achieve those dreams feels overwhelming. I feel really lonely..

I can imagine that it must feel really lonely, not being able to open up to your friends. Please know that we are here for you and you can be as open as you like at Ditch the Label. 

You mentioned that you have big dreams but that the effort to achieve these dreams can feel overwhelming. I totally get that. What I find helpful in those situations, is to break it down into small steps and the focus on each step at a time, rather than focussing on my big goal and getting overwhelmed by the enormity of it. Do you think that might work for you? 

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20 hours ago, Aurora said:

I can imagine that it must feel really lonely, not being able to open up to your friends. Please know that we are here for you and you can be as open as you like at Ditch the Label. 

You mentioned that you have big dreams but that the effort to achieve these dreams can feel overwhelming. I totally get that. What I find helpful in those situations, is to break it down into small steps and the focus on each step at a time, rather than focussing on my big goal and getting overwhelmed by the enormity of it. Do you think that might work for you? 

Sometimes it is not just the enormity but the process of it too. My university major is harder than I expected and and I feel like I lost a big part of the pleasure of studying. My life, in general, feels overwhelming. My sexuality, falling in love with people who are close to me, trying to get decent grades in uni to keep my free spot so I won't have to pay for it and also get into the dorm next year, I don't really know too much what I should do to start my career as a programmer etc. I also have trouble sleeping at night.

I am trying to focus on only one thing at a time, but there are moments when everything just feels so... tiring. I think that all I need is hugging and cuddling with someone I love. I need someone to encourage me.. It is weird, but I have been lacking affection my whole life. 

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On 1/28/2023 at 9:02 AM, Marvin said:

Sometimes it is not just the enormity but the process of it too. My university major is harder than I expected and and I feel like I lost a big part of the pleasure of studying. My life, in general, feels overwhelming. My sexuality, falling in love with people who are close to me, trying to get decent grades in uni to keep my free spot so I won't have to pay for it and also get into the dorm next year, I don't really know too much what I should do to start my career as a programmer etc. I also have trouble sleeping at night.

I am trying to focus on only one thing at a time, but there are moments when everything just feels so... tiring. I think that all I need is hugging and cuddling with someone I love. I need someone to encourage me.. It is weird, but I have been lacking affection my whole life. 

I don't think that's weird. I think most of us have a need for affection and want to have someone in our life who we can be intimate with and who is there for us. I know your situation is more complicated because you can't be open with your sexuality but there will be others around you, who feel the same as you and are probably also looking for someone they can be with. What I have found is that it can be helpful to focus on ourselves first. When we have lots going on in our lives and are still discovering ourself we might not seem open for a relationship if that makes sense. I'm just wondering, how do you feel about yourself right now? And can I ask, are you comfortable with your sexuality? It can be really difficult to accept and love ourselves for who we truly are, when we grow up in a homophobic environment where we are lead to believe that it's "not normal" if you're not straight (even though of course it is). 

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I can't say that I am very comfortable with my sexuality. I have accepted that my sexuality is normal, but it makes my life more difficult, specially because if I were to come out of the closet, I could lose many people I care about. I am tired of catching feelings for straight people. 

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On 1/30/2023 at 9:08 PM, Marvin said:

I can't say that I am very comfortable with my sexuality. I have accepted that my sexuality is normal, but it makes my life more difficult, specially because if I were to come out of the closet, I could lose many people I care about. I am tired of catching feelings for straight people. 

I can imagine.  That must be really difficult. You mentioned before that you would like to live somewhere, where you can be more open about your sexuality but that you wouldn't prioritise it. I'm curious as to why you wouldn't prioritise it? It sounds like it would make your life easier. And you might start to feel more comfortable with your own sexuality if you lived somewhere, where you could be open about your true self. What do you think?  

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