Newbie advice please??

[TinyDinos]

Hey guys.. I’m new to this site and I’m here because I really don’t know what to do. I’ve recently started to question my sexuality recently and I don’t know really anything. Here’s the deal:

(Sorry it’s long, I have a lot of pent up feelings-)

I’m a 16 y/o female who has been raised Christian. Since I was younger I felt pressured to be interested in boys even though I felt no attraction towards people in general. In middle school, I had a really pretty girl in my class who I felt a strong kinship to. I was fresh out of being homeschooled (I moved to a charter school) and I had never heard of the lgbtqia+ community. I learned about the community and some different sexualities from her. I decided that bisexual fit me the best because I still believed that I *had* to like boys as well as girls despite never actually having a crush on one before or realizing that I liked this girl at the time. Eventually she started bullying me and stuff so we drifted apart and whatever. I was attracted to a different girl in my class the following year, and she was openly pansexual. I was excitedly talking with her whenever I could and my parents read the texts we shared. They had me explain myself, and my mom shut down anything I had to say about my sexuality and dismissed it by saying “You’ve never had sex. How would you know what sexuality you are? If you liked the way a gorilla looked would you start saying that you’re gorillasexual?” (Looking back on it it’s pretty stupid, but 11 y/o me was devastated.)

I largely shut down any thoughts about it after that, and talked myself out of thinking that I was attracted to other girls. I continued not being attracted to boys but had lots of queer friends and having those same feelings towards girls. I thought there was something wrong with me and that I wasn’t feeling attraction the right way, and blamed it on my parents toxic relationship (they’re divorced now) and decided that my trauma from the abusive relationship I’d seen firsthand ruined my chances of ever dating. Then I learned about asexuality, and I felt a bit better about not being the only one who didn’t feel attraction like how everyone expected me to, but the identity didn’t feel right for me. I now have payed extra attention to what attracts me, and what I would look for if I were open to relationships and I honestly feel great around women, and anytime I try to envision myself in the future in a happy, healthy, relationship, it’s with a woman. Thinking about possibly being part of the community gives me anxiety because of past experiences with my parents, and I’m not sure what I even identify as because I’ve never been comfortable enough to have a relationship with anyone. Even just admitting that I’m questioning at all is really really scary. I can’t even imagine coming out to my mom despite the fact that she has several openly queer friends, and my dad said if one of my sisters or myself ever came out to him he wouldn’t like, kick us out or anything but he’d be disappointed because of our belief system and he’d try to “teach us better”. I feel like everyone just has this expectation of me to eventually get together with some guy and have kids and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about, but I really want to make everybody happy.
 

I really just want to be comfortable with myself and I really have nobody to talk to, so I found this site. Does anybody have any advice for an anxious questioning teen?

(Sorry this was so long, I kinda just word-vomited on my keyboard and I really need help.)

[-Leila-]

Hi there,

I hear how anxious you are. Do you have anyone who you can get help from for the anxiety? Like a health care professional?

I hear that you want to make everyone happy which might involve your own views on the situation not being heard, is that right?

I hear how mixed feelings you are about everything and that’s normal. I’m here for you.

here at DTL, there are support mentors who are here to support you and give you advice, im going to tag them below as it’s clear you could do with someone to talk to. And, that’s okay! Your allowed to have support!

 

@Monsoon @Luie @Aurora

 

sending my love to you

[TinyDinos]

1 hour ago, Leila- said:

Hi there,

I hear how anxious you are. Do you have anyone who you can get help from for the anxiety? Like a health care professional?

I hear that you want to make everyone happy which might involve your own views on the situation not being heard, is that right?

I hear how mixed feelings you are about everything and that’s normal. I’m here for you.

here at DTL, there are support mentors who are here to support you and give you advice, im going to tag them below as it’s clear you could do with someone to talk to. And, that’s okay! Your allowed to have support!

@Monsoon @Luie @Aurora

sending my love to you

Hi. 

Unfortunately  no. I want to get therapy because as a result of some past experiences, the PTSD from it all triggered anxiety and depressive episodes that vary in severity, but mental health really isn’t taken seriously in either of my homes at the moment. I am aware that I need help though, and I’m doing pretty okay right now considering how bad it’s gotten in the past.

Yeah. The other part of it is that I’m a people pleaser by nature, and it’s something I’m working on because I’ve realized just how unhealthy it is and I do want to get better.

Thank you seriously so much for your support. I really appreciate you taking the time out to help me.

[-Leila-]

52 minutes ago, TinyDinos said:

Hi. 

Unfortunately  no. I want to get therapy because as a result of some past experiences, the PTSD from it all triggered anxiety and depressive episodes that vary in severity, but mental health really isn’t taken seriously in either of my homes at the moment. I am aware that I need help though, and I’m doing pretty okay right now considering how bad it’s gotten in the past.

Yeah. The other part of it is that I’m a people pleaser by nature, and it’s something I’m working on because I’ve realized just how unhealthy it is and I do want to get better.

Thank you seriously so much for your support. I really appreciate you taking the time out to help me.

Hi,

I hear how much of a people pleaser you are, in some ways that’s a good thing but in other ways that can result you doing to much and not focusing on yourself.

I hear that where you’re living at the moment doesn’t take your mental health seriously, how does that make you feel? Have you tried speaking to a trusted adult who could support you?

I also wanted to let you know that you can reach out to the support mentors I mentioned previously by clicking on the tab that says ‘confidential support at the top of your screen’ by doing that you are getting 1-2-1 support and it’s safe from the community seeing what you said.

sending my love to you. You’re beautiful inside and out remember I love you hun

Leila

[TinyDinos]

Yep. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to. I’m mainly working on the fact that it’s a habit and allowing myself time to slowly work at it rather than putting unrealistic expectations on myself.
 

Honestly? Pretty helpless. When it isn’t taken seriously it’s harder to bring up later and I wind up convincing myself that I was overreacting. Because I’m not taken seriously I don’t reach out to anybody I know because I know I won’t be taken seriously, y’know? I’m sorry if this isn’t making any sense.

Oh okay I’ll do that. Thank you so much, again.

[-Leila-]

23 minutes ago, TinyDinos said:

Yep. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to. I’m mainly working on the fact that it’s a habit and allowing myself time to slowly work at it rather than putting unrealistic expectations on myself.
 

Honestly? Pretty helpless. When it isn’t taken seriously it’s harder to bring up later and I wind up convincing myself that I was overreacting. Because I’m not taken seriously I don’t reach out to anybody I know because I know I won’t be taken seriously, y’know? I’m sorry if this isn’t making any sense.

Oh okay I’ll do that. Thank you so much, again.

What about a teacher, how do they support you? If not, could that be an option maybe?

[TinyDinos]

2 minutes ago, Leila- said:

What about a teacher, how do they support you? If not, could that be an option maybe?

I’m homeschooled again. I’ve been homeschooled since the pandemic started up again at the end of my 8th grade year and I’ve kept up with it until now. I start my 2nd Semester of 11th grade today actually.

[-Leila-]

2 minutes ago, TinyDinos said:

I’m homeschooled again. I’ve been homeschooled since the pandemic started up again at the end of my 8th grade year and I’ve kept up with it until now. I start my 2nd Semester of 11th grade today actually.

I’m sorry lovely. How about a friend? I know these are a lot of questions but I just want to explore every option 

[TinyDinos]

13 minutes ago, Leila- said:

I’m sorry lovely. How about a friend? I know these are a lot of questions but I just want to explore every option 

No worries. I appreciate it. I have two close friends that are aware that I have these issues, but there isn’t much that they can do. (I haven’t shared the fact that I’m questioning bc idk how they’d react.) But they’re great if I need someone to vent to. Other than that they really can’t help any other way.

 

[-Leila-]

3 minutes ago, TinyDinos said:

No worries. I appreciate it. I have two close friends that are aware that I have these issues, but there isn’t much that they can do. (I haven’t shared the fact that I’m questioning bc idk how they’d react.) But they’re great if I need someone to vent to. Other than that they really can’t help any other way.

I know I’m over the internet but I care about you and how you’re feeling 

[TinyDinos]

6 hours ago, Leila- said:

I know I’m over the internet but I care about you and how you’re feeling 

Thanks, it really does mean a lot to me and I appreciate it. <3

[-Leila-]

54 minutes ago, TinyDinos said:

Thanks, it really does mean a lot to me and I appreciate it. <3

Hugs my new friend :)

[-Leila-]

I understand where you’re coming from when you say no one listens to you. Depending where you’re from there are organisations where they can support you. If your from the Uk there are two helplines which can carry counselling.

kooth is a counselling service which lets young people make an account like this forum and you get to choose whether you go post on their forum or go through to the chat queue where you get picked up by one of the team there at kooth. There opening times are 12-10pm week days and 6-10pm weekends. They are not a crisis service which I’ll be going onto next. Also from the Webchat page you can send the team a message. If you don’t feel comfortable going through for a chat I’d advise you to write a message to the team. They normally get back to you within 24-48 hours.

childline is a organisation where you can go for your well-being support. It’s a bit different to kooth. At childline you have as many sessions or chats as needed. You will be advised to have a break between chats. As on kooth you will need to make an account to start a chat with a well-being support member at childline. Also. From your childline locker you can send them emails too if you don’t feel comfortable going through for a chat. Also at childline you can call them I’ll post a link below

https://www.childline.org.uk

 

of course you still have me and DTL for support! You’re not alone never forget how worthy of support you are. Hugs

ill tag the DTL staff below if you need them @Digital Mentor

https://www.kooth.com
 

[Luie]

On 1/9/2023 at 9:22 AM, TinyDinos said:

Hey guys.. I’m new to this site and I’m here because I really don’t know what to do. I’ve recently started to question my sexuality recently and I don’t know really anything. Here’s the deal:

(Sorry it’s long, I have a lot of pent up feelings-)

I’m a 16 y/o female who has been raised Christian. Since I was younger I felt pressured to be interested in boys even though I felt no attraction towards people in general. In middle school, I had a really pretty girl in my class who I felt a strong kinship to. I was fresh out of being homeschooled (I moved to a charter school) and I had never heard of the lgbtqia+ community. I learned about the community and some different sexualities from her. I decided that bisexual fit me the best because I still believed that I *had* to like boys as well as girls despite never actually having a crush on one before or realizing that I liked this girl at the time. Eventually she started bullying me and stuff so we drifted apart and whatever. I was attracted to a different girl in my class the following year, and she was openly pansexual. I was excitedly talking with her whenever I could and my parents read the texts we shared. They had me explain myself, and my mom shut down anything I had to say about my sexuality and dismissed it by saying “You’ve never had sex. How would you know what sexuality you are? If you liked the way a gorilla looked would you start saying that you’re gorillasexual?” (Looking back on it it’s pretty stupid, but 11 y/o me was devastated.)

I largely shut down any thoughts about it after that, and talked myself out of thinking that I was attracted to other girls. I continued not being attracted to boys but had lots of queer friends and having those same feelings towards girls. I thought there was something wrong with me and that I wasn’t feeling attraction the right way, and blamed it on my parents toxic relationship (they’re divorced now) and decided that my trauma from the abusive relationship I’d seen firsthand ruined my chances of ever dating. Then I learned about asexuality, and I felt a bit better about not being the only one who didn’t feel attraction like how everyone expected me to, but the identity didn’t feel right for me. I now have payed extra attention to what attracts me, and what I would look for if I were open to relationships and I honestly feel great around women, and anytime I try to envision myself in the future in a happy, healthy, relationship, it’s with a woman. Thinking about possibly being part of the community gives me anxiety because of past experiences with my parents, and I’m not sure what I even identify as because I’ve never been comfortable enough to have a relationship with anyone. Even just admitting that I’m questioning at all is really really scary. I can’t even imagine coming out to my mom despite the fact that she has several openly queer friends, and my dad said if one of my sisters or myself ever came out to him he wouldn’t like, kick us out or anything but he’d be disappointed because of our belief system and he’d try to “teach us better”. I feel like everyone just has this expectation of me to eventually get together with some guy and have kids and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about, but I really want to make everybody happy.
 

I really just want to be comfortable with myself and I really have nobody to talk to, so I found this site. Does anybody have any advice for an anxious questioning teen?

(Sorry this was so long, I kinda just word-vomited on my keyboard and I really need help.)

Heyy @TinyDinos, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label.

Thank you for sharing what you've been and are going through with your sexuality. I am glad that when you think of a future you see a happy and healthy relationship with a woman. I totally see why you feel anxious about identifying and being part of the LGBTQI+ community. It's not an easy thing to come from a faith based system that has been preached and interpreted by many on what is right and wrong, It sounds challenging, I do want to say however is that sexuality exists on a spectrum, so when you were younger you did not feel a strong attraction to anyone in specific which you labelled as asexual, now you're more interested in women, this just shows how when you go through different life experiences, meet people, have exposure to other communities and cultures, you morph and might find someone else interesting or maybe after everything you choose the same you did the first time, whatever it might be that is completely normal and okay to feel. I'd like to throw the ball back to you on this and let me know what kind of support you need on this (e.g. explore your feelings, talking about past/present etc.? 

I see that @Leila-, one of our members on the community has given someone helpful insights. I want to check in with you about the PTSD, depressive episodes etc.  I can sense there is a lot to unpack there so if you're more comfortable to share about this on Confidential support, I'd be more than happy to pick it up there, how does this sound to you?

Also, I found interesting was how you mentioned you wanting to make everybody else happy, you want to share more on that with me?