I really just need help at this point… 😭

[Avyavastha]

I’m a trans boy, but haven’t come out to my parents. I really want to cut my hair, because it’s been getting really long, and my mom is REALLY against the idea. She wants me to start looking more like “a grown woman”, and I can’t bring myself to tell her that I’m a boy. What should I do?

[Aurora]

22 hours ago, Ciaran-the-trans-gay said:

I’m a trans boy, but haven’t come out to my parents. I really want to cut my hair, because it’s been getting really long, and my mom is REALLY against the idea. She wants me to start looking more like “a grown woman”, and I can’t bring myself to tell her that I’m a boy. What should I do?

Hi there, I'm Aurora and I am one of the support mentors here at Ditch the Label. It's great to have you here !

I've seen that you've mentioned about wanting to cut your hair for over a year now on one of the other threads but I didn't want this thread to go unanswered. I'm sorry to hear that your mom is really against this idea. I'm wondering, have you asked your mom, what her reasons are and why she feels so strongly about it? It might be interesting to find out what is going on there. What do you think? 

[Avyavastha]

Hey Aurora! Yeah, I have asked her reasoning, but my mom really refuses to answer me most times, saying her reasoning isn’t for me to know “because she’s my mom, not the other way around”. I think she feels strongly about it because she wants me to become like her when I’m older. I don’t think she realizes that I don’t want to to be like her. She mostly just wants me to have a husband and family when I’m older. I just want to live my life like any other “normal teen”, but she’s too focused on my image and grades. My grades are like 90’s, but she wants me to be perfect. I don’t want to be perfect, because that includes not expressing myself. She doesn’t want me to be myself often, because whenever I’m talking to someone at a family gathering, she always tells me before we go in to “not embarras her” and “behave myself”.

[Aurora]

On 1/6/2023 at 1:59 PM, CiaranTheTransGay said:

Hey Aurora! Yeah, I have asked her reasoning, but my mom really refuses to answer me most times, saying her reasoning isn’t for me to know “because she’s my mom, not the other way around”. I think she feels strongly about it because she wants me to become like her when I’m older. I don’t think she realizes that I don’t want to to be like her. She mostly just wants me to have a husband and family when I’m older. I just want to live my life like any other “normal teen”, but she’s too focused on my image and grades. My grades are like 90’s, but she wants me to be perfect. I don’t want to be perfect, because that includes not expressing myself. She doesn’t want me to be myself often, because whenever I’m talking to someone at a family gathering, she always tells me before we go in to “not embarras her” and “behave myself”.

Hi there, thank you very much for explaining. You strike me as a very thoughtful person and I get the impression that you are really trying to understand why your mom is responding to you the way she is. I'm sorry to hear that she wants you to be like her. That must be tough and it sounds like you feel that she expects you to live up to certain expectations. Is that right? I'm wondering have you ever tried to talk to her about this when you're both feeling calm and aren't arguing about something? It might be worth trying to explain to her that you don't feel like you can express yourself and that you feel that she has high expectations of what she wants you to become. She might not be aware that she is making you feel like this. What do you think? 

[Avyavastha]

5 minutes ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, thank you very much for explaining. You strike me as a very thoughtful person and I get the impression that you are really trying to understand why your mom is responding to you the way she is. I'm sorry to hear that she wants you to be like her. That must be tough and it sounds like you feel that she expects you to live up to certain expectations. Is that right? I'm wondering have you ever tried to talk to her about this when you're both feeling calm and aren't arguing about something? It might be worth trying to explain to her that you don't feel like you can express yourself and that you feel that she has high expectations of what she wants you to become. She might not be aware that she is making you feel like this. What do you think? 

Hey Aurora, thanks for replying. I have tried to talk to her a lot of times about this, but she just usually says she’s busy, or shuts me out. It is really hard trying to live up to her expectations, and sometimes I just feel like giving up. Actually, once I did give up. It was the most chaotic week I’ve ever had, because it was mostly me shutting everything and everyone out, and my mom was just pissed at me. Recently, my birthday party passed, and my mom had made me wear a dress and makeup. She just didn’t want to hear it when I told her I didn’t want to do that. During the party, I came out to two of my cousins. The older cousin didn’t take it well, and told me i was a girl, i couldn’t be a boy, and kept changing the topic. The younger cousin didn’t understand most of it, and told me he didn’t really care. That kinda bursted my balloon a bit.

[Aurora]

On 1/9/2023 at 1:58 PM, CiaranTheTransGay said:

Hey Aurora, thanks for replying. I have tried to talk to her a lot of times about this, but she just usually says she’s busy, or shuts me out. It is really hard trying to live up to her expectations, and sometimes I just feel like giving up. Actually, once I did give up. It was the most chaotic week I’ve ever had, because it was mostly me shutting everything and everyone out, and my mom was just pissed at me. Recently, my birthday party passed, and my mom had made me wear a dress and makeup. She just didn’t want to hear it when I told her I didn’t want to do that. During the party, I came out to two of my cousins. The older cousin didn’t take it well, and told me i was a girl, i couldn’t be a boy, and kept changing the topic. The younger cousin didn’t understand most of it, and told me he didn’t really care. That kinda bursted my balloon a bit.

I'm sorry to hear that your cousins didn't react they way you were hoping they would. I can imagine that must have been hard for you. It could be that they need some time to process your news and their initial reactions might not last. Hopefully, once they have had more time to get used to the idea they will accept you for who you are. Please know that we are here for you and this is a safe place for you to be your true self. Do you mind me asking, if you have come out to anyone else yet? 

[Avyavastha]

28 minutes ago, Aurora said:

I'm sorry to hear that your cousins didn't react they way you were hoping they would. I can imagine that must have been hard for you. It could be that they need some time to process your news and their initial reactions might not last. Hopefully, once they have had more time to get used to the idea they will accept you for who you are. Please know that we are here for you and this is a safe place for you to be your true self. Do you mind me asking, if you have come out to anyone else yet? 

Hey Aurora! Yes, I have come out to most of my friends, and they took it pretty well! I’ve also come out to my sister, and she said that whatever I was, I would be the same to her, so that went well! This morning however, my mom kept saying I wasn’t ready for lgbtqia+ things, and I wouldn’t know if I was a part of it until I was older, because I was “too young for these things”. That sucked, but I got over it after a while, and decided I’m going to change the way I act to everyone to see if that makes things better. I’m usually an introvert, so I’m going to try to be more confident and open, so that way it's easier to take anything my mom says to me, and not be raging inside.

[Aurora]

20 hours ago, CiaranTheTransGay said:

Hey Aurora! Yes, I have come out to most of my friends, and they took it pretty well! I’ve also come out to my sister, and she said that whatever I was, I would be the same to her, so that went well! This morning however, my mom kept saying I wasn’t ready for lgbtqia+ things, and I wouldn’t know if I was a part of it until I was older, because I was “too young for these things”. That sucked, but I got over it after a while, and decided I’m going to change the way I act to everyone to see if that makes things better. I’m usually an introvert, so I’m going to try to be more confident and open, so that way it's easier to take anything my mom says to me, and not be raging inside.

Hi Ciaran, I'm glad to hear it went well when you came out to your friends and your sister and I can imagine that it's nice for you to have an ally in the family. Do you think she might be able to support you when/if you decide to talk to your parents about it. It's interesting that your mom said you weren't ready for lgbtq+ things as you mentioned that you haven't come out to your parents yet. I'm wondering if this was her way of letting you know that she suspects something. What do you think? 

I think you're right, it can definitely help to be open about things and not keep our emotions locked up inside. And I love your energy and your determination to change your outlook. You're probably aware of this already but I just wanted to mention that when we are used to dealing with things a certain way (eg keeping our emotions in) it can take a while and a lot of practice to change our behaviour.  Do you mind me asking if you've thought about what might help you to be more confident and open? 

[Avyavastha]

Hi Aurora! It is nice for me to have an ally in the family, but I do have to remember that she’s only 9, and she wont be able to support me when I come out, even if she wants to. I think that my mom saying that might be because she suspects me, because she recently accidentally saw my profile for Ditch The Label and probably saw my username…As for what can help me be more confident and open, I think it may take a while, but I might try changing my appearance a little to boost my confidence, and listening to confidence playlists usually helps me, so I might try to listen to those as much as I can. I also might trying dropping hints to my mom about my gender and sexuality. Thanks again for responding!

[Aurora]

27 minutes ago, CiaranTheTransGay said:

Hi Aurora! It is nice for me to have an ally in the family, but I do have to remember that she’s only 9, and she wont be able to support me when I come out, even if she wants to. I think that my mom saying that might be because she suspects me, because she recently accidentally saw my profile for Ditch The Label and probably saw my username…As for what can help me be more confident and open, I think it may take a while, but I might try changing my appearance a little to boost my confidence, and listening to confidence playlists usually helps me, so I might try to listen to those as much as I can. I also might trying dropping hints to my mom about my gender and sexuality. Thanks again for responding!

I didn't realise your sister is 9 years old. I understand why she wouldn't be able to support you when you come out to your parents. That sounds like a good idea, to drop hints to your mom, if you feel comfortable to do so. It sounds like she is already aware and this might slowly get her used to the idea and hopefully with time she will be ready to accept you for who you really are. It might be helpful to remind yourself that this is your journey and it's really important that you do what feels right for you.  Please know that we're here for you and we can support you with this. 

I think changing our appearance can definitely help boost our confidence. And I love your idea of listening to a confidence playlist! Do you mind sharing some of the tracks that are on there? 

 

[Avyavastha]

9 minutes ago, Aurora said:

I didn't realise your sister is 9 years old. I understand why she wouldn't be able to support you when you come out to your parents. That sounds like a good idea, to drop hints to your mom, if you feel comfortable to do so. It sounds like she is already aware and this might slowly get her used to the idea and hopefully with time she will be ready to accept you for who you really are. It might be helpful to remind yourself that this is your journey and it's really important that you do what feels right for you.  Please know that we're here for you and we can support you with this. 

I think changing our appearance can definitely help boost our confidence. And I love your idea of listening to a confidence playlist! Do you mind sharing some of the tracks that are on there? 

Hey Aurora! Thanks for the support! Some of the songs on there are;

Mask Off by Cash inc.

Hit ‘em up style (oops!) by Blue cantrell

Cake by the ocean by Once

Breakfast by Dove Cameron

Fan behavior by Isaac Dunbaar

Dictator by REI AMI

Boyfriend by Dove Cameron

Cique by Sub Urban

Princess Castle by Jazmin Bean

Kawaii by Tatarka

Freak by Sub Urban ft REI AMI

Boss Bitch by Dojo Cat

Ghost by Confetti

Villain by K/DA

I wanna be your slave x seven nation army by Cameron Hayes

 

Another thing that’s been bothering me is how my other relatives might react, because most of them are REALLY dedicated to the Hindu culture, and that doesn’t support. Today is my birthday, and I spent most of the morning getting phone calls from relatives saying their proud of me for becoming such a “grown young woman”. I feel really bad about myself right, and it keeps haunting me, what should I try to distract myself?

[Aurora]

22 hours ago, CiaranTheTransGay said:

Hey Aurora! Thanks for the support! Some of the songs on there are;

Mask Off by Cash inc.

Hit ‘em up style (oops!) by Blue cantrell

Cake by the ocean by Once

Breakfast by Dove Cameron

Fan behavior by Isaac Dunbaar

Dictator by REI AMI

Boyfriend by Dove Cameron

Cique by Sub Urban

Princess Castle by Jazmin Bean

Kawaii by Tatarka

Freak by Sub Urban ft REI AMI

Boss Bitch by Dojo Cat

Ghost by Confetti

Villain by K/DA

I wanna be your slave x seven nation army by Cameron Hayes

Another thing that’s been bothering me is how my other relatives might react, because most of them are REALLY dedicated to the Hindu culture, and that doesn’t support. Today is my birthday, and I spent most of the morning getting phone calls from relatives saying their proud of me for becoming such a “grown young woman”. I feel really bad about myself right, and it keeps haunting me, what should I try to distract myself?

Thank you very much for the song list!! I'm sure this will also be really helpful to others on here. 

I totally get why this must have been really difficult for you. I would imagine your relatives thought they were marking an important milestone in your life and didn't realise that what they were saying was very upsetting for you. It doesn't mean that it's always going to be like this though. Even though your family is really dedicated to the Hindu culture, their views on transsexuality might change after you've decided to come out to them. I think it's always different, when we are taught about something (for example a religious belief) without having any personal experience. Love is a powerful thing and it's likely that their love for you will make them revaluate their beliefs. It probably won't happen straight away but with time. Especially when they see your confidence growing as part of your journey of living your own authentic life. What do you think?  

I just wanted to reassure you though that there is no pressure for you to come out to your relatives if you don't feel ready to. It's really important that you decide when feels right for you.

[Avyavastha]

On 1/12/2023 at 8:05 AM, Aurora said:

Thank you very much for the song list!! I'm sure this will also be really helpful to others on here. 

I totally get why this must have been really difficult for you. I would imagine your relatives thought they were marking an important milestone in your life and didn't realise that what they were saying was very upsetting for you. It doesn't mean that it's always going to be like this though. Even though your family is really dedicated to the Hindu culture, their views on transsexuality might change after you've decided to come out to them. I think it's always different, when we are taught about something (for example a religious belief) without having any personal experience. Love is a powerful thing and it's likely that their love for you will make them revaluate their beliefs. It probably won't happen straight away but with time. Especially when they see your confidence growing as part of your journey of living your own authentic life. What do you think?  

I just wanted to reassure you though that there is no pressure for you to come out to your relatives if you don't feel ready to. It's really important that you decide when feels right for you.

Hey Aurora! Sorry for not responding sooner, I had some exams going on. Thank you for all of the advice you’ve given me so far! I just have one more question; what do I do if my parents/family don’t agree with me, saying I’m too young to decide, can’t make this choice, or I can’t be like this? As I mentioned before, my cousin already doesn’t support me, so I don’t know how I can actually tell the adults of the family, the ones who need the most convincing.

[Aurora]

22 hours ago, CiaranTheTransGay said:

Hey Aurora! Sorry for not responding sooner, I had some exams going on. Thank you for all of the advice you’ve given me so far! I just have one more question; what do I do if my parents/family don’t agree with me, saying I’m too young to decide, can’t make this choice, or I can’t be like this? As I mentioned before, my cousin already doesn’t support me, so I don’t know how I can actually tell the adults of the family, the ones who need the most convincing.

Hi there, no need to apologise. There is no pressure at all for you to reply - whenever suits you is good 

I think those are really important things to consider and it's really good that you are thinking this through now. You know your family best and if you think they might react like this then there is a good chance they might. However, one of the things I find helpful to remember is that views do change over time. And even if that is their initial reaction, it doesn't mean that they will always have this view. Especially once they start to get to know and understand the real you better. What do you think?

Can I ask, now that you've told your cousins, has that changed how you feel about coming out to the rest of your family? And is there anyone in your family who you think might be more understanding and supportive than the others?