Does anyone have any advice for feeling lonely?

[Gremlin]

Hi

For a little while now ties have been cut from my previous partner.(which was pretty one sided on their part) I am slowly but surely getting better and have been off doing me own thing. I have been working out more, recently joined my schools musical and have been reaching out to my friends more often. Which makes me feel really good and happy, but I still can help but feel really low it time and alone.

I had such a deep emotional bond with them and it’s gone forever. I have been talking with my friends more to have someone to rant too. (Trying to make a similar emotional bond with a friend) They listen and give me advice, but it just doesn’t help me as much I hoped it too. Or that they don’t completely understand what I’m saying? I’ve also tried talking with my parent but they kinda have the “reflect and brush it off” kind of attitude. I know they mean will but that doesn’t help me.

I even tried talking to my therapist about what I should and shouldn’t do when getting over someone. She agrees with the things I have been doing, but I feels like I could/should more so I can  just be over them already. I also journal and write down what I’m feeling to make some sense of it but idk. I could be over reacting all of it, I just don’t want to feel lonely. Thanks for reading this turned out to be way longer then I thought.

[peanutbutterstruggles]

i think that's a pretty common experience, some people get over a break up really fast, and some need a lot more time. it all depends on the situation. it's completely normal to take some time to get over it. i think the things you're doing are good, definitely try to connect with the people around you. it will not feel the same as with your ex, but having people you can rely on is important!

this may not be very helpful to hear, but with time it will get easier. it took me a year to get over losing an online friend, and i still miss her sometimes, i can only imagine how hard it is to get over a partner you were so close with :/ 

[Luie]

15 hours ago, Gremlin said:

Hi

For a little while now ties have been cut from my previous partner.(which was pretty one sided on their part) I am slowly but surely getting better and have been off doing me own thing. I have been working out more, recently joined my schools musical and have been reaching out to my friends more often. Which makes me feel really good and happy, but I still can help but feel really low it time and alone.

I had such a deep emotional bond with them and it’s gone forever. I have been talking with my friends more to have someone to rant too. (Trying to make a similar emotional bond with a friend) They listen and give me advice, but it just doesn’t help me as much I hoped it too. Or that they don’t completely understand what I’m saying? I’ve also tried talking with my parent but they kinda have the “reflect and brush it off” kind of attitude. I know they mean will but that doesn’t help me.

I even tried talking to my therapist about what I should and shouldn’t do when getting over someone. She agrees with the things I have been doing, but I feels like I could/should more so I can  just be over them already. I also journal and write down what I’m feeling to make some sense of it but idk. I could be over reacting all of it, I just don’t want to feel lonely. Thanks for reading this turned out to be way longer then I thought.

Heyy @Gremlin, I am Luie one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. 

I am sorry that your relationship ended, it's never an easy thing to go through. I hear you, whatever you feel right now is right, whether you feel mad or sad or confused. You're bound to have good days and bad days as it's a loss in your life and you are going through different stages of grief. Take all the time you need to feel better and heal whether it’s a month or a year or more. Was your relationship based on a friendship or did you both get into a relationship through other people or things? 

I am glad to hear that you're keeping yourself occupied, I think that's super important to do because there is a lot of space and time which that person in our lives does fill and can seem empty when they are gone. It's good to have a strong support system like friends and family, however, when losing someone you love, it can seem like a journey with oneself  to go through that because even though most people have faced a loss of a romantic relationship, the bond you and your partner shared was unique to you two and that level of connection and intimacy is not going to be understood by everyone, however supportive and caring they are, so yeah I understand you feeling lonely. You mentioned that you could/should be doing more to get over them, would you be comfortable sharing what led to the break up and how your relationship was? 

I did want to say something to you which might seem like a slightly less popular opinion, there is no right checklist to tick off to get over someone, every relationship is unique and how we get over them depends a lot more on the intensity and connection we felt towards that individual. Because you're doing great in terms of taking care of yourself mentally and physically (btw which is difficult as it is, so kudos to you), however, in the goal of wanting to get over someone we sometimes might forget to be compassionate to ourselves and just say that it's okay, let's sit with it and take it one day at a time. Is this something helpful to hear? (Feel free to share your views because I am all ears and want to make sure you're supported in a way you need it). 

[Luie]

2 hours ago, peanutbutterstruggles said:

i think that's a pretty common experience, some people get over a break up really fast, and some need a lot more time. it all depends on the situation. it's completely normal to take some time to get over it. i think the things you're doing are good, definitely try to connect with the people around you. it will not feel the same as with your ex, but having people you can rely on is important!

this may not be very helpful to hear, but with time it will get easier. it took me a year to get over losing an online friend, and i still miss her sometimes, i can only imagine how hard it is to get over a partner you were so close with :/ 

Heyy @peanutbutterstruggles - Wise words for sure! 

[Gremlin]

Hello!

Thank you so much @peanutbutterstruggles and @Luie for your advance and encouraging words. They were super helpful and let me take some time, to thing over a few things on my own. It really means a lot that you both took time to reply. 

[Gremlin]

 @Luie

To answer your question yes, are relationship did steam from a friendship before we started dating. The more time we would send time talking and texting one another more I realized that I started to have a crush on them. (but i never told them, because I didn't want to rune the relationship) I was surprised they felt the same way too and we decided to start dating. Are relationship took off well being able to text them all the time ranting about my day or a funny video I found on Youtube. We also when to each other when we were down/funky mood, along texting each other when are families got overwhelming at times. We always had each others back and had open arms when a hug was desperately needed. I always made sure he felt included when we would be out with my friend group joking around with each other. Even with the months flying by are relationship never seemed to fade and this lasted for a good year. I felt conferrable and safe with him and was so glad to have him as my partner.

Unfortunately things at his home started to get worse and worse to the point where their parents had to get a divorce.(which I have my own far share of experience with)  I could tell that it was taking a lot out of him for have to step up to be the bigger sibling at home more then ever. The times we would spend texting became shorter and shorter which I completely understood so I gave him more space so he could get his rest and be able to focused on school, I know it can be a lot. So I left him small messages for him to read whenever he had to time to let him know that I was always here. It got to the point were it would be a few of days no responses from him at all. Till one day he said that it would be best to take a break, agreed because I know he wouldn't have said that I things weren't really serious. 

So I waited and waited till we could again, but once I realized that he was directly avoiding me in school I realized that its probably not just a break anymore. I was a complete emotional mess for a month, I missed him so much. But as the days when on able to become more functional in school not thinking about him as much, until 3 weeks or so I saw him with someone new. I felt like I was pulled right back into getting over him all over again.  Since then I've gotten more used to seeming them around, and that's pretty much the situation at the moment. Like I have mentioned before I have found other thing to fill my time for myself and learning to let go. I'm sorry if this was a lot to read i just wanted to make sure you had a but more context with what's happened. Thank you for reading!

 

 

[Luie]

10 hours ago, Gremlin said:

 @Luie

To answer your question yes, are relationship did steam from a friendship before we started dating. The more time we would send time talking and texting one another more I realized that I started to have a crush on them. (but i never told them, because I didn't want to rune the relationship) I was surprised they felt the same way too and we decided to start dating. Are relationship took off well being able to text them all the time ranting about my day or a funny video I found on Youtube. We also when to each other when we were down/funky mood, along texting each other when are families got overwhelming at times. We always had each others back and had open arms when a hug was desperately needed. I always made sure he felt included when we would be out with my friend group joking around with each other. Even with the months flying by are relationship never seemed to fade and this lasted for a good year. I felt conferrable and safe with him and was so glad to have him as my partner.

Unfortunately things at his home started to get worse and worse to the point where their parents had to get a divorce.(which I have my own far share of experience with)  I could tell that it was taking a lot out of him for have to step up to be the bigger sibling at home more then ever. The times we would spend texting became shorter and shorter which I completely understood so I gave him more space so he could get his rest and be able to focused on school, I know it can be a lot. So I left him small messages for him to read whenever he had to time to let him know that I was always here. It got to the point were it would be a few of days no responses from him at all. Till one day he said that it would be best to take a break, agreed because I know he wouldn't have said that I things weren't really serious. 

So I waited and waited till we could again, but once I realized that he was directly avoiding me in school I realized that its probably not just a break anymore. I was a complete emotional mess for a month, I missed him so much. But as the days when on able to become more functional in school not thinking about him as much, until 3 weeks or so I saw him with someone new. I felt like I was pulled right back into getting over him all over again.  Since then I've gotten more used to seeming them around, and that's pretty much the situation at the moment. Like I have mentioned before I have found other thing to fill my time for myself and learning to let go. I'm sorry if this was a lot to read i just wanted to make sure you had a but more context with what's happened. Thank you for reading!

Heyy @Gremlin, I just want to say thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings about your relationship, I can imagine that it must've been difficult to type it all and almost relive it all again. No need to ever apologise for expressing yourself. 

It sounds to me that you're someone who deeply empathised with your partner at the time especially because you had faced something similar at home in terms of your parents. It takes a special kind of care and love to gauge on a situation and provide space for others, it's an admirable quality. However, it does sound hurtful that the 'break' turned into the end of a relationship and not having a conversation for closure can be difficult to process and heal from.  You mentioned that you both started of as friends, I was wondering whether at some point you'd like to speak with him and process what happened? or would you rather not? Do let me know what you'd like. 

[Gremlin]

Hi @Luie

I did feel a few emotions when writing all that down. It does good to talk about it once in a while too, thanks again for reading all that

As for reaching out to them I have tried two times subtly of course. One was a hand letter I wrote to him when the other was sent thought text. Both of the letters mainly talked about was possibly being friends again. Of course I know that might have been a big request but, I reassured him in the letter that I didn’t expect as to be friend again over night. Only telling them that I was open to try. Unfortunately I never really got a response from him from either of my letters. So I assume that must have been a no. 

Since then I have been hesitant to try writing to him again. Even though I deeply want to speak with them again, I can’t and won’t  force him too. I also wouldn’t want for things to become more complicated, and make an unwanted drama with him being in another relationship at the moment. 
 

Do you think waiting for now would be the best option or should I discard the idea entirely?

[Luie]

12 hours ago, Gremlin said:

Hi @Luie

I did feel a few emotions when writing all that down. It does good to talk about it once in a while too, thanks again for reading all that

As for reaching out to them I have tried two times subtly of course. One was a hand letter I wrote to him when the other was sent thought text. Both of the letters mainly talked about was possibly being friends again. Of course I know that might have been a big request but, I reassured him in the letter that I didn’t expect as to be friend again over night. Only telling them that I was open to try. Unfortunately I never really got a response from him from either of my letters. So I assume that must have been a no. 

Since then I have been hesitant to try writing to him again. Even though I deeply want to speak with them again, I can’t and won’t  force him too. I also wouldn’t want for things to become more complicated, and make an unwanted drama with him being in another relationship at the moment. 
 

Do you think waiting for now would be the best option or should I discard the idea entirely?

 

Heyy @Gremlin, 

It was courageous of you to reach out twice to them, I am sorry that you did not receive any response, it must've been hurtful. You've done your part in reaching out to them, perhaps to allow yourself to move forward letting this idea just be for now. I don't know anything about this person so I can't many promises or comments on their behalf, also, I remember you mentioning they are with someone else maybe, so I think getting back in touch even as friends right now might be tricky. Whilst, I type this I know it's been difficult on you, this break up, so take it one day at a time and there will come a point that it won't hurt as much as it does right now. 

A little suggestion - there might be days where you want to speak with him and want to say everything you're feeling, on those days I do recommend writing/typing a letter which you can either privately keep with you or send across to us on confidential support or if you're comfortable enough, sharing with the community if you need extra support and want to talk about it. This allows for those feelings to be out of you rather than fester inside. How does this all sound to you? 

 

[Gremlin]

Thank you for your kind words @Luie, I’ll continue to leave things be in terms of communication. It’s just really hard at times, for whenever I see him walking down an empty hallway in school. It’s almost like it’s a sigh to walk up to him. But when he does come close to me he does this weird thing we’re he would pop up at random times at my lunch table. He would talk to all my friends at my table except for me, it can be really belittled whenever he does that but thankfully that doesn’t happen too often. 
 

I actually have been writing down about how I’m feel and things I would want to say to him if I could which I find to be super helpful for me!

 Also just a side not I started to notice that whenever I miss him or get really sad about what happened between us, it would always come in waves. Like there are moments when I’m completely fine, and out of nowhere a huge wave of grief, sadness and loneliness washes over me. So I decided for the times when I do feel good, I’ll make short videos to myself for whenever I’m feeling low during the waves. To cheer me up a little.

[Luie]

12 hours ago, Gremlin said:

Thank you for your kind words @Luie, I’ll continue to leave things be in terms of communication. It’s just really hard at times, for whenever I see him walking down an empty hallway in school. It’s almost like it’s a sigh to walk up to him. But when he does come close to me he does this weird thing we’re he would pop up at random times at my lunch table. He would talk to all my friends at my table except for me, it can be really belittled whenever he does that but thankfully that doesn’t happen too often. 
 

I actually have been writing down about how I’m feel and things I would want to say to him if I could which I find to be super helpful for me!

 Also just a side not I started to notice that whenever I miss him or get really sad about what happened between us, it would always come in waves. Like there are moments when I’m completely fine, and out of nowhere a huge wave of grief, sadness and loneliness washes over me. So I decided for the times when I do feel good, I’ll make short videos to myself for whenever I’m feeling low during the waves. To cheer me up a little.

Heyy @Gremlin, 

What you mentioned about feelings come in waves makes complete sense. There is this phrase or a saying 'Riding the wave' Have you heard of it before? it's basically the practice of surfing your own intense emotions. Think of it how a surfer doesn't fight the powerful ocean wave that comes their way; they move with the wave, riding its natural tide. And one of the most important things to know about emotions is that they have a beginning, middle, and end. Emotions come in waves, and the purpose of that wave is to try to create an urge to act on the emotion. First, the emotion and urge intensifies. Then, the urge slowly reduces.  The most critical point in the wave is the middle, labelled as the “high distress zone”. In that zone how you mentioned your brain is telling you ;it's a sign to walk up and speak with him.' The main aim is to get through the wave and to “sit with” and “tolerate” distress. If you did absolutely nothing, the wave would pass in time. Nothing lasts forever (not in a pessimistic way ofcourse) rather a mindful way of viewing feelings. How does all of this sound so far? 

Btw, I think it's such a wonderful idea in terms of recording short video messages for yourself and helpful too. I have done something similar in the past with audio recordings and little letters for myself to help get through any form of loss especially end of a relationship. Do let me know how it goes for you. 

P.s. if you need me to explain something more or didn't understand anything I've mentioned here, feel free to just highlight that and I am more than happy to talk about it with you more.

One last thing,  I saw this video and thought this video might be helpful - 

 

[Gremlin]

Hi @Luie!

Yes, I have heard of the metaphor before thank you for explaining. I was just wondering, what way would it be best to “ride the wave” as you have mentioned. Because I feel like whenever I try, it feels like my emotions wash over me anyways. 

[Luie]

On 12/21/2022 at 3:35 AM, Gremlin said:

Hi @Luie!

Yes, I have heard of the metaphor before thank you for explaining. I was just wondering, what way would it be best to “ride the wave” as you have mentioned. Because I feel like whenever I try, it feels like my emotions wash over me anyways. 

Heyy @Gremlin, Happy Holidays to you. How have you been? Appreciate you being patient with my reply. 

I hear you on emotions washing over you. Here are a few tips to help you practice 'Riding the Wave' (p.s. I have personally tried them in my life and found them helpful) :

 

• Be aware of the emotion

In a non-judgmental and mindful manner, recognize the feeling that you are experiencing. Name the feeling and think of it as part of you, but not all of you.

• Experience it

Experience your feeling like a wave moving like the ocean.  You can’t stop a strong wave from coming towards you. Try not to push the feeling away or take hold of it. Don’t try to control it too strongly or make the feeling bigger than it is either. Instead, ride out the wave of emotion in an appropriate manner.

• Remember, this feeling is only one part of you

This emotion should not force you to react in any certain way, especially in a way that is harmful to you. Recall moments when you experienced more positive emotions to remind yourself that they will return soon enough. Like a wave in the ocean, this feeling will take its course.

• Accept and tolerate your emotion

Try not to assign positive or negative thoughts to this feeling. Fully accept that this feeling is part of you right now, but it is only temporary. Try pretending that your feeling is a “guest” in your home, who you can tolerate “hosting” for the time being.

Remember to think of your emotions like the ocean. Feelings come in waves; some waves may be stronger than others, but they all will pass. And next time, instead of putting your feeling aside or trying to control the emotion quickly, try riding the wave. Recognize what you feel, let yourself experience it, know that it is only temporary, and accept that the feeling is part of you in the moment. “Riding the Wave” will help you feel more comfortable managing difficult emotions. Does this sound like something you'd like to try?

 

[Gremlin]

Hi @Luie, happy holidays to you as well! 
 

It’s been a combination of up’s for being able to spend more time with friends and down’s for getting burn out at holiday parties . Overall it’s really nice and way better then school so I’m not complaining.

 

Thank you so much for your tips! They sound really helpful and I definitely be giving them a try. It help to be on winter break as well to put more time into practicing them to.

[Luie]

On 12/30/2022 at 6:43 PM, Gremlin said:

Hi @Luie, happy holidays to you as well! 
 

It’s been a combination of up’s for being able to spend more time with friends and down’s for getting burn out at holiday parties . Overall it’s really nice and way better then school so I’m not complaining.

Thank you so much for your tips! They sound really helpful and I definitely be giving them a try. It help to be on winter break as well to put more time into practicing them to.

Heyy @Gremlin, It always is a combination right? I mean life can be such a rollercoaster of experiences. Glad to hear you're socializing, do look after yourself during the winter break, you do not have to go to all of the parties, take a break from one if you need to rest and recover, social burnout is a real thing after all. 

Take your time and practice them, if something works that's great and if not, feel free to talk more about this. Processing and beginning to heal from a relationship is not a linear journey, so be mindful of that and reach out whenever you need to speak  

Happy New Year to you btw!