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How do I come out to my homophobic parents? I'm really scared to tell them.


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hey, i'm sorry to hear about your parents :/ do you think they would be safe to come out to? do you think they could react aggresively, or put you in danger? because if the answer is yes, you should take you safety into account. you don't have to come out if you don't think your parents would react well

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49 minutes ago, jie.jw said:

I really don't know how to come out to my parents. They're homophobic so that made it even harder

Hi there, welcome to the community. It's lovely to have you here. Ditch the Label is a really welcoming place and you'll probably notice that there are lots of other here, who feel very similar to you.  

I'm Aurora and I'm one of the support mentors here. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. Thank you for letting us know what's going on for you. I noticed that you replied with a shocked emoji to one of the other posts, where I asked someone if they thought it was safe for them to come out. I'm just wondering if you think it would be safe for you to come out to your parents? Your safety is the most important thing, which is why I ask this questions. Please know that this is a safe space and you can share anything you like here. 

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Just now, peanutbutterstruggles said:

hey, i'm sorry to hear about your parents :/ do you think they would be safe to come out to? do you think they could react aggresively, or put you in danger? because if the answer is yes, you should take you safety into account. you don't have to come out if you don't think your parents would react well

well, my parents are kind of aggresive. i think once my mom told me she doesn't support lgbt and she would make me go out of the house or hit me, and my dad- he has gay friends and he supports them but i don't think he'll support me or something. 

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2 minutes ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, welcome to the community. It's lovely to have you here. Ditch the Label is a really welcoming place and you'll probably notice that there are lots of other here, who feel very similar to you.  

I'm Aurora and I'm one of the support mentors here. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. Thank you for letting us know what's going on for you. I noticed that you replied with a shocked emoji to one of the other posts, where I asked someone if they thought it was safe for them to come out. I'm just wondering if you think it would be safe for you to come out to your parents? Your safety is the most important thing, which is why I ask this questions. Please know that this is a safe space and you can share anything you like here. 

hi aurora, thank you for noticing my topic. well, i don't know if it's safe to come out because they have made some homophobic comments that make me uncomfortable to come out. once i told my mom "what if i get a girlfriend? and she said she would hit me and make me go leave the house.

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ugh that's a terrible thing for your mom to say... she doesn't sound safe to come out to at all :/ i'm really sorry, i know it's hard to live with unaccepting parents. personally, i think coming out in these circumstances isn't a good idea, you should prioritize your safety. if you are 100% determined to come out, make sure you have somewhere to go, like staying at your friend's house. you have to make sure you have someone to rely on in case things get bad

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On 12/5/2022 at 2:20 PM, jie.jw said:

hi aurora, thank you for noticing my topic. well, i don't know if it's safe to come out because they have made some homophobic comments that make me uncomfortable to come out. once i told my mom "what if i get a girlfriend? and she said she would hit me and make me go leave the house.

Hi there, thank you for being so open with us. I'm sorry your Mum said that to you. I would imagine that must have been hurtful to hear. How did you feel when she said that? I think @peanutbutterstruggles is right. It doesn't sound like it's safe for you to come out at the moment. What do you think? Do you mind me asking, how do you get on with your parents otherwise? 

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hi again aurora, thank you for replying. so me and my parents are kind of close. they’re very nice to me but once i mentioned about lgbt, they immediately be mad and tell me not to mention that kind of stuff again. it made me really sad because i’m part of the community too.

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55 minutes ago, jie.jw said:

hi again aurora, thank you for replying. so me and my parents are kind of close. they’re very nice to me but once i mentioned about lgbt, they immediately be mad and tell me not to mention that kind of stuff again. it made me really sad because i’m part of the community too.

Hi there, I get that. I can imagine that it must have been really upsetting to hear that. I'm wondering whether you can maybe ask them what it is about the lgbtq+ community that makes them so angry? 

Also, you mentioned that you and your parents are kind of close. That's really nice to hear. In my experience a parents love for their child plays a big part in transforming their views. It sounds like your parents love you very much and I would imagine they want you to be happy. So if you ever feel ready to come out to them and it is safe for you to do so, there is a good chance, that over time their views towards the lgbtq+ community will change. And that with time and they will become accepting of who you are. What do you think? I also noticed that you mentioned that your Dad has gay friends. I'm wondering whether you might feel more comfortable talking to him about this when the time feels right? 

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15 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, I get that. I can imagine that it must have been really upsetting to hear that. I'm wondering whether you can maybe ask them what it is about the lgbtq+ community that makes them so angry? 

Also, you mentioned that you and your parents are kind of close. That's really nice to hear. In my experience a parents love for their child plays a big part in transforming their views. It sounds like your parents love you very much and I would imagine they want you to be happy. So if you ever feel ready to come out to them and it is safe for you to do so, there is a good chance, that over time their views towards the lgbtq+ community will change. And that with time and they will become accepting of who you are. What do you think? I also noticed that you mentioned that your Dad has gay friends. I'm wondering whether you might feel more comfortable talking to him about this when the time feels right? 

uh yeah, hi again aurora! so like, they said that same-sex relationship are bad and they’re like going to h3ll for it, they said. i mentioned that my dad has some gay friends but he told me, to get a boyfriend and not a girlfriend just because i’m a girl. i once told him that i’m bi for almost 4 years and he didn’t take me seriously, he would just ignore what i said, and it’s same for my mom too

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I feel u bro. 

Can't really help all that much in the coming out area, however I will tell you this: Do whatever is safest. If your parents will abuse/kick you out if you come out, you might wanna...not. I know I can't. I still need a place to live for at least 5 more years. 

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On 12/8/2022 at 4:20 AM, jie.jw said:

uh yeah, hi again aurora! so like, they said that same-sex relationship are bad and they’re like going to h3ll for it, they said. i mentioned that my dad has some gay friends but he told me, to get a boyfriend and not a girlfriend just because i’m a girl. i once told him that i’m bi for almost 4 years and he didn’t take me seriously, he would just ignore what i said, and it’s same for my mom too

Hi there, it sounds like you're finding it really difficult to talk to your parents about this and they are not being very understanding. That must be tough. You mentioned that you once told your dad that you are bi and that he didn't take you seriously. I'm sorry, I'm sure that wasn't the response you were hoping for.  Do you mind me asking, what happened after that? Did you mention anything again? And did you speak to your mum about it, too or is she not aware? 

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On 12/12/2022 at 5:55 PM, Aurora said:

Hi there, it sounds like you're finding it really difficult to talk to your parents about this and they are not being very understanding. That must be tough. You mentioned that you once told your dad that you are bi and that he didn't take you seriously. I'm sorry, I'm sure that wasn't the response you were hoping for.  Do you mind me asking, what happened after that? Did you mention anything again? And did you speak to your mum about it, too or is she not aware? 

hi again aurora, i’m sorry for the late reply, was really busy with school but anyways, after i told my dad i was bi, my mom was there too! they didn’t really take it seriously, and my relatives in father side are really supportive of me being bi! and i love them so much, and they even know about my gf too! (my parents aren’t aware that i’m in a relationship tho) 

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1 hour ago, jie.jw said:

hi again aurora, i’m sorry for the late reply, was really busy with school but anyways, after i told my dad i was bi, my mom was there too! they didn’t really take it seriously, and my relatives in father side are really supportive of me being bi! and i love them so much, and they even know about my gf too! (my parents aren’t aware that i’m in a relationship tho) 

Hi there, no problem at all. Please feel free to reply whenever is good for you. There is no rush. 

I'm so glad to hear that your fathers side is really supportive. It's really nice that you can even talk to them about your gf, too 🙂! I'm wondering, is there someone on your father's side, who might be able to support you in talking to your father again. Do you think that might help? Also, what do you think would need to happen so your parents take your sexuality seriously? 

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On 12/14/2022 at 6:39 PM, Aurora said:

Hi there, no problem at all. Please feel free to reply whenever is good for you. There is no rush. 

I'm so glad to hear that your fathers side is really supportive. It's really nice that you can even talk to them about your gf, too 🙂! I'm wondering, is there someone on your father's side, who might be able to support you in talking to your father again. Do you think that might help? Also, what do you think would need to happen so your parents take your sexuality seriously? 

hi aurora! so about your question, yes there is someone that can support me to talk to my father. it’s my sister actually, but she doesn’t have any time because she’s busy with work so like, i can’t tell my father alone about my sexuality and my relationship, and next, there’s nothing i could do that could make my parents be supportive of me or just take my sexuality seriously. they seem so mad when i mention lgbt with them! so i don’t really have high hopes.

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17 hours ago, jie.jw said:

hi aurora! so about your question, yes there is someone that can support me to talk to my father. it’s my sister actually, but she doesn’t have any time because she’s busy with work so like, i can’t tell my father alone about my sexuality and my relationship, and next, there’s nothing i could do that could make my parents be supportive of me or just take my sexuality seriously. they seem so mad when i mention lgbt with them! so i don’t really have high hopes.

Hi there, I can imagine that must be really frustrating for you. However, hopefully with time, their views will change. Having your sister there to support you sounds like a really good idea. You mentioned that she doesn't have any time. I'm wondering, have you asked her if she could support you in talking to your father? She might want to make time for such an important conversation. What do you think? 

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On 12/26/2022 at 4:14 PM, Aurora said:

Hi there, I can imagine that must be really frustrating for you. However, hopefully with time, their views will change. Having your sister there to support you sounds like a really good idea. You mentioned that she doesn't have any time. I'm wondering, have you asked her if she could support you in talking to your father? She might want to make time for such an important conversation. What do you think? 

Hi again Aurora, so again my sister is really busy with work and planning her wedding that’s why she doesn’t have any time for “that” conversation but I talked to my father about my sexuality and about my relationship, he’s like pissed at first but he’s very cool by now. He didn’t want my mom to know about this so he’s like, pretending to side with my mom whenever I talk about LGBTQ

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6 hours ago, jie.jw said:

Hi again Aurora, so again my sister is really busy with work and planning her wedding that’s why she doesn’t have any time for “that” conversation but I talked to my father about my sexuality and about my relationship, he’s like pissed at first but he’s very cool by now. He didn’t want my mom to know about this so he’s like, pretending to side with my mom whenever I talk about LGBTQ

I'm glad to hear that you talked to your father. It sounds like he is accepting of your sexuality now. Is that right?  I'm sorry to hear though that he doesn't want your mom to know about it. That must be a very strange situation for you (and him) to be in. How do you feel about it and would you like your mom to know? 

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15 hours ago, Aurora said:

I'm glad to hear that you talked to your father. It sounds like he is accepting of your sexuality now. Is that right?  I'm sorry to hear though that he doesn't want your mom to know about it. That must be a very strange situation for you (and him) to be in. How do you feel about it and would you like your mom to know? 

I don’t really want my mom to know about it ‘cause she’ll get mad if she knew I liked girls and I’m really scared that one day she would found out. I wanna tell her but I don’t think she’ll be okay about it unlike my dad who accepted me.

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7 hours ago, jie.jw said:

I don’t really want my mom to know about it ‘cause she’ll get mad if she knew I liked girls and I’m really scared that one day she would found out. I wanna tell her but I don’t think she’ll be okay about it unlike my dad who accepted me.

Do you think it would be helpful to talk to your Dad about the situation? I would imagine it must be difficult for him, too to keep this secret from your mom. I'm also wondering, how do you think your mom would react if she found out and then realised that your Dad knew but had kept it secret from her?

You mentioned that you want to tell her but you don't think she will be OK about it. Do you think it would help if she realised that your Dad accepts you for who you are? Maybe you and your Dad could think about how your Dad could support you in telling your Mom. What do you think? 

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