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This topic contains content which has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Disordered Eating, Mental Illness, Other, Self-Harm

Rant alert... Sorry guys


CXthry_n    

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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Disordered Eating, Mental Illness, Other, Self-Harm

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I'm 16 and have been home educated all my life. I hate it. I'm unmotivated, feeling burnout, constantly in a loud stressful environment, with people with think they understand me, but I mean; how can they say they understand and know me when I don't even understand half the things about myself??

Aside from that, I have convinced my Mum to allow me to go to school as I'm lacking in a lot of areas and just sitting at home all day and working from a book day in and day out is not a sufficient education, I'm struggling in a lot of subjects and it's giving me so much stress, even to just think about education and bookwork makes me feel sick. I can't even talk about education without breaking down in tears to the point of not being able to speak. I feel as though I've missed out on so much in life and when I look back on my life, I literally have done nothing. My first social club was when I was 13 years old for gods sake. It may not seem like a big deal to other but when you have to monitored by your parents 24/7 your whole life and are still struggling to let your parents agree to you using public transport at 16 years old?! It is mentally exhausting.

Due to my lack of social interaction and the fact I didn't have any social skills, having panic attacks when I did finally join youth groups and clubs as a young teen was not uncommon and I began to suffer from (undiagnosed) depression and severe social anxiety to the point I wouldn't talk when I was around teens my age because I thought it was 'weird' and how much I was 'out of place' and how much I 'didn't deserve to be there' and how bad I was at whatever I did, and where I didn't know how to talk to someone. It may sound ridiculous and some people might say 'It's so easy tho? You just walk up to someone and say "Hi"' . Well. Easy for some people to say. The thought of walking up to someone made me shake and get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

This all happened only a year ago and when I did try to talk to my parents about it they said I was "making it up" and that I was "just like" my step-sister (who is over 10 years older than me, I never knew her and she unfortunately went the wrong way in life) which I hated because she was comparing me to someone else.

Currently, in 2022, I am struggling with figuring out things such as religion, sexuality, career choice and have body dysphoria (I have previously had bad relationships with food) which I'm working on. My social anxiety has gotten a lot better and I'm a LOT more confident talking to people. My depression has also gotten better... I have stopped self-harming and have tried to focus on self-worth, self-love, and self-respect (things BTS have helped me with immensely <3).

I identify as an unlabelled girl (she/her)- no religion - thinking of a career in Psychology, IT, or Engineering.

 

 

[I know this is a bit unnecessary but in the first paragraph it sounds like everything is so bad at home. What I already put isn't a lie but just for confirmation I was never abused or purposefully excluded. My parents have simply tried to protect me the best they can, and are just a little overprotective and don't understand me]

Edited by CXthry_n
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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Disordered Eating

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17 minutes ago, CXthry_n said:

I'm 16 and have been home educated all my life. I hate it. I'm unmotivated, feeling burnout, constantly in a loud stressful environment, with people with think they understand me, but I mean; how can they say they understand and know me when I don't even understand half the things about myself??

Aside from that, I have convinced my Mum to allow me to go to school as I'm lacking in a lot of areas and just sitting at home all day and working from a book day in and day out is not a sufficient education, I'm struggling in a lot of subjects and it's giving me so much stress, even to just think about education and bookwork makes me feel sick. I can't even talk about education without breaking down in tears to the point of not being able to speak. I feel as though I've missed out on so much in life and when I look back on my life, I literally have done nothing. My first social club was when I was 13 years old for gods sake. It may not seem like a big deal to other but when you have to monitored by your parents 24/7 your whole life and are still struggling to let your parents agree to you using public transport at 16 years old?! It is mentally exhausting.

Due to my lack of social interaction and the fact I didn't have any social skills, having panic attacks when I did finally join youth groups and clubs as a young teen was not uncommon and I began to suffer from (undiagnosed) depression and severe social anxiety to the point I wouldn't talk when I was around teens my age because I thought it was 'weird' and how much I was 'out of place' and how much I 'didn't deserve to be there' and how bad I was at whatever I did, and where I didn't know how to talk to someone. It may sound ridiculous and some people might say 'It's so easy tho? You just walk up to someone and say "Hi"' . Well. Easy for some people to say. The thought of walking up to someone made me shake and get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

This all happened only a year ago and when I did try to talk to my parents about it they said I was "making it up" and that I was "just like" my step-sister (who is over 10 years older than me, I never knew her and she unfortunately went the wrong way in life) which I hated because she was comparing me to someone else.

Currently, in 2022, I am struggling with figuring out things such as religion, sexuality, career choice and have body dysphoria (I have previously had bad relationships with food) which I'm working on. My social anxiety has gotten a lot better and I'm a LOT more confident talking to people. My depression has also gotten better... I have stopped self-harming and have tried to focus on self-worth, self-love, and self-respect (things BTS have helped me with immensely <3).

I identify as an unlabelled girl (she/her)- no religion - thinking of a career in Psychology, IT, or Engineering.

[I know this is a bit unnecessary but in the first paragraph it sounds like everything is so bad at home. What I already put isn't a lie but just for confirmation I was never abused or purposefully excluded. My parents have simply tried to protect me the best they can, and are just a little overprotective and don't understand me]

Ik I'm not a professional with this sort of stuff, but I do relate somehow. I get the whole getting a sick feeling in the stomach & shakes with social interactions, & the homeschooling struggles/stress

But hey I'm proud of you for stopping & doing self-love, it takes a lot of time to do that so I'm happy for ya👍🏽

 

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The hell? It did a trigger warning by its self? .,.

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11 hours ago, _Kai_ said:

The hell? It did a trigger warning by its self? .,.

It does that if you use the quotation marks " to reply to a post that already has a trigger warning . It's because the post with the trigger warning will be quoted as part of your reply and therefore the trigger warning is still needed. Does that make sense? Let me know if not 

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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Disordered Eating, Mental Illness, Other, Self-Harm

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12 hours ago, CXthry_n said:

I'm 16 and have been home educated all my life. I hate it. I'm unmotivated, feeling burnout, constantly in a loud stressful environment, with people with think they understand me, but I mean; how can they say they understand and know me when I don't even understand half the things about myself??

Aside from that, I have convinced my Mum to allow me to go to school as I'm lacking in a lot of areas and just sitting at home all day and working from a book day in and day out is not a sufficient education, I'm struggling in a lot of subjects and it's giving me so much stress, even to just think about education and bookwork makes me feel sick. I can't even talk about education without breaking down in tears to the point of not being able to speak. I feel as though I've missed out on so much in life and when I look back on my life, I literally have done nothing. My first social club was when I was 13 years old for gods sake. It may not seem like a big deal to other but when you have to monitored by your parents 24/7 your whole life and are still struggling to let your parents agree to you using public transport at 16 years old?! It is mentally exhausting.

Due to my lack of social interaction and the fact I didn't have any social skills, having panic attacks when I did finally join youth groups and clubs as a young teen was not uncommon and I began to suffer from (undiagnosed) depression and severe social anxiety to the point I wouldn't talk when I was around teens my age because I thought it was 'weird' and how much I was 'out of place' and how much I 'didn't deserve to be there' and how bad I was at whatever I did, and where I didn't know how to talk to someone. It may sound ridiculous and some people might say 'It's so easy tho? You just walk up to someone and say "Hi"' . Well. Easy for some people to say. The thought of walking up to someone made me shake and get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

This all happened only a year ago and when I did try to talk to my parents about it they said I was "making it up" and that I was "just like" my step-sister (who is over 10 years older than me, I never knew her and she unfortunately went the wrong way in life) which I hated because she was comparing me to someone else.

Currently, in 2022, I am struggling with figuring out things such as religion, sexuality, career choice and have body dysphoria (I have previously had bad relationships with food) which I'm working on. My social anxiety has gotten a lot better and I'm a LOT more confident talking to people. My depression has also gotten better... I have stopped self-harming and have tried to focus on self-worth, self-love, and self-respect (things BTS have helped me with immensely <3).

I identify as an unlabelled girl (she/her)- no religion - thinking of a career in Psychology, IT, or Engineering.

[I know this is a bit unnecessary but in the first paragraph it sounds like everything is so bad at home. What I already put isn't a lie but just for confirmation I was never abused or purposefully excluded. My parents have simply tried to protect me the best they can, and are just a little overprotective and don't understand me]

Hi @CXthry_n, welcome to the Community! It's great to have you here 😀. I'm Aurora and I'm one of the support mentors here and I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. 

Thank you so much for explaining what's been going on for you. I can totally understand why you had enough of being educated at home. It can work really well for some but like you were saying it can also make it difficult to keep motivating yourself and to develop your social skills if you're not interacting with other people your age. And it's only natural to feel social anxiety when you've spent so much time at home. In fact lots of people have had social anxiety after coming out of lockdown and socialising again after spending so much time at home. 

Can I just say how impressed I am, how you managed to persuade your Mum to go to school, to deal with your social anxiety and gain confidence!! That's amazing and shows what a determined person you are! And it's so nice to hear that you've been focusing on yourself and on your self-worth, your self-love and your self-respect. Is there anything in particular you've found helpful?

I noticed that you have another post where you are asking for some support with your sexuality. I will reply to that now. If there is anything else you would like support with then please feel free to either mention it here or start another post. You can also send us a confidential support request (just press the tab at the top of the page) if you would prefer to talk about something confidentially and a support mentor will get back to you

 

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