Confused About My Sexuality / Am I Crushing On A Girl?

[cryptosan]

As some of you may know, I strongly believe (As of me writing this) that I'm a FtM Transgender. Lately, I've been really caught up in my gender, so I haven't really had time to reflect on my sexuality. Here's my story, but told focusing more on my "Love Life". When I was three, I got "Married" to my closest guy friend. We had a weird toddler romance, as we'd sometimes pretend to be madly in love with each other, and sometimes settle for "Just friends". As we grew, we both outgrew the "Madly in love" phase, and our relationship went down to Best Friends. We did EVERYTHING together. At Recess, We'd play tag with each other (And the other boys), while the girls played family. Everything was fine (Sexuality-wise) until about Third Grade, when he announced that he was moving away. I was crushed (Mainly because I loved playing with him) and the night before he left, I kissed him on the cheek. It felt weird and wrong when I did it, so I vowed to never do it again. When I hit 10, My life changed. My friend gave me the address to a minecraft roleplaying server, where I was able to be someone else. Everybody on that server (Except my real friends, of course) Thought I was a boy. One day, I was playing on the server, and I decided to try something new, by having one of my characters, (Who was male, of course!) attempt to kiss another person's character (Who was female!). And, to my displeasure, This character reacted by slapping my character and jumping off of the island that the Roleplay took place in, Thus ending her character's life. I was so shocked, I fell out of my desk chair. 'Was I that bad at charming people'' I wondered. Well, Anyway, A month or two later, I decided to try again, by having one of my characters ask another person's character to be his girlfriend. When the person said yes, I was delighted. I really did try to be the best boyfriend I could for her, whether it was showering her in pixelated flowers, or making sure I was there for her when she needed it. Sadly, we were forced to break up when my parents discovered this server's constant cursing, which they did not approve of. I was relatively sad when I realized my Girlfriend wouldn't ever know why I left mysteriously. Before I had left the server, I learned about the LGBTQ+ Community. A little bit after I learned about Gay Love and Whatnot, my best friend came out to me as being a Lesbian. It took an hour or two for me to really take it in, but when I did, I decided to accept her for who she was. Anyway, with my best friend coming out to me, It got me wondering about my sexuality. I ended up doing research on the different sexualities, which led me to label myself as an Aromantic, or an "Aromo" as I call it. So, for awhile, I lived my life believing I was Aromantic, and unable to feel romantic attraction. Well, One Hot August Day, I was roleplaying on Roblox, and I met this girl. We bonded quickly, and became friends after that. Since my Roblox avatar was a boy, She believes I am a boy (Which, I am, but not in the way she thinks), and calls me by the right pronouns (He/Him). Even though it's an online relationship, I've gotten to know her really well, as in, to the extent that a best/close friend would (Minus her appearance and such). It's strange, because we could be a million worlds apart, yet we're really close. Anyway, Lately, I've began to suspect that I'm subconsciously crushing on her.

Here are some reasons why I believe I might be crushing on her:

 

1) I constantly find myself thinking about her, even at the randomest times.

 

2) I get uneasy when she's around other guys. I don't know why, but whenever she's with other boys, I feel jealous and uneasy.

 

3) Whenever she goes inactive for a few days/a week, I get terrified. I get VERY nervous whenever she has to go away for a few days or a week. I get this way because I'm scared of her leaving me.

 

4) A few nights ago, I had a dream where we met in real life. We hung out at some cool country club, and Long story short, We ended up kissing. I remember it vividly; I picked her up and held her in my arms, and we kissed. Whenever we did kiss, some part of me seemed to be grinning like a mad man, jumping up and down with excitement.

 

Can somebody help me'?

[Willow]

Hey Cryptosan!

 

Wow! You're very in tune with yourself and self-reflective!

 

I have a few questions to try to understand your scenario more:

 

In all the of the scenarios you've mentioned where you have a 'relationship' with someone, it's never felt like you've been aromantic. You've just, mainly, had virtual romantic relationships (which look very different from relationships in the flesh). So, what does a romantic relationship look like to you? What don't you feel you want in romantic relationships?

 

I'm so sorry to hear about the reaction to that person when you kissed them. There can be so many reasons for that reaction, so please do not take it personally.

 

And enter the friendship you're in, now.

 

It's awesome you have a best friend-type relationship with this person. When you do think of her, what kinds of things to do you think about?

 

The uneasiness/jealousy is interesting, and worth opening up more. Jealousy isn't a healthy demonstration of your love/interest for someone, but! If you would like to spend more of your time with her, and don't want her to catch feelings for anyone else, then maybe it does represent your interest in having something 'more' with her.

 

You're worried about her leaving you when she's inactive... maybe because you don't have another way to contact her?

 

Would you like to have some sort of commitment with this person? Like, a commitment to meet up one day? Or a talk about increasing your virtual relationship?

 

That dream sounds really sweet! From what it sounds like, you would like to have some sort of intimate relationship-- that maybe includes physical affection...

 

What do you like about having virtual friendships/relationships? If you were able to be known to them as the man you are, in real life. would you feel the need to keep the relationship virtual?

 

If you have considered meeting people in real life, I want to make sure you'll be safe. What are the safety precautions that you take in your digital life, so far?

 

Have you ever gone to any sort of counseling that might help you get a fuller picture of your gender and sexuality/romantic style?

 

Thanks for your sharing! Awesome storytelling!!

 

 

-willow

[cryptosan]

Hi Willow,

 

Once again, Thank you for replying to this!

 

To answer your question of "What does a romantic relationship look like to you'" and "What don't you feel you want in romantic relationships'" simply: I don't really know.

 

Now, Moving onto your questions about my current relationship... When I think of her, I get unusually happy, thinking about play games with her, and just being in her company, I guess.

 

To answer your question of "Would I like to have some sort of commitment with this person? Like, a commitment to meet up one day? Or a talk about increasing your virtual relationship'" The answer is yes. Most of the time, whenever I'm fantasizing about being born as a boy, she usually comes up (Well, with my perception of her appearance), and we're close friends.

 

To answer your Question of "What do you like about having virtual relationships/friendships'" The answer is, I like the fact that in my online friendships, they don't understand that I was born a female but I identify as male, unlike my "Real Life Friends". They don't understand the awful reality that I have to wake up to every morning. They're the only ones who address me/treat me correctly.

 

To answer your Question of "If you were able to be known to them as the man you are, in real life, would you feel the need to keep the relationship virtual'" The answer is, No. I'd want this friendship in my reality.

 

And yes, I have considered meeting her in real life, but not in my current state of having to deal with having a female body, and having to explain that to her.

 

To Answer your final question of "Have you gone to any counseling that might help you get a fuller picture of your gender and sexuality/romantic style'" The answer is no, unfortunately. It would be quite helpful in my situation.

 

-Crypto

 

[Willow]

Hey Crypto!

 

You're so efficient in your responses! It's awesome!

 

It's totally understandable that you don't know what you'd want in a romantic relationship-- not only have you not had much experience in it, period, but you also don't know romantic relationships as the man you are!

 

I don't think your life should be put on hold just because you aren't able to look and live fully as yourself, yet. What's the worst thing that can happen if you talk to her, privately, about your interest in her and, after, the fact that you're trans? Even if you had a more masculine body, the conversation about being born in a female body will be something to talk to her about will happen. And if she can't accept you for who you are, that's an indication of her openness-- not a reflection of you!

 

I think just regarding safety-- I just want you to be conscious that this person may not be anything like you perceive her to be, in real life. So, talking about yourselves in real life is better sooner rather than later, so you don't get caught up on the 'idea' of the person.

 

What if you brought up the fact that you're trans to your friends, in real life? Do you think they would support you and treat you appropriately? Having someone in 'real life' who supports you in your gender identity is really important

 

It would be incredible if you could talk to your parents about going to counseling. Or maybe there's someone through a school environment with whom you can speak to?

 

 

-willow