Am I Transgender? (FtM)

[cryptosan]

Alright, so here's my story: I was born and raised believing I was a female. I experienced my first three years perfectly fine. I was totally normal. I was a girly little female, as most females are. I KINDA liked ballet, thinking it was funny and cute for a bit, but quickly grew out of it. But, I was...odd for a female my age (which was maybe 4 or 5 at this time of my life.) I hung out with the boys in preschool, and I liked stereotypically boy things, such as action figures, superheroes, stuff like that. I hated princesses, and things typically considered female things. I remember one day I was in the elevator with my sister and my nanny, and I was begging my nanny for something stereotypically male. When she refused, I felt angry and confused, not understanding why she had declined getting the toy for me. (Later, My nanny bought the toy for me, in case you were wondering.) When I turned six, my parents sent me to an All-Girls School, which was really frustrating for me, as I had a lot of Guy Friends. I always felt like an outcast there, as all the other girls would pretend to be a family, and drew themselves, whereas, I would draw the one thing I loved: Lions. I admired how brave and strong they were. I wanted to BE a lion. Strangely, I always drew Male Lions, and never female Lions. I wanted to be a MALE lion, not a female one. Anyway, during Recess, I would race against myself on the the tricycles, pedaling around and around the playset, narrating my races as if I was an announcer. At this point in my life, I was pretty laid back. I didn't understand gender, or sexuality, nor did I have to. I didn't care for wearing dresses, or how I looked; I only cared about how I felt. As I grew older, I got into Video Games. I was still in contact with my guy friends, and at that point, I felt like they were the only people who understood me. I fell into a deep Minecraft/Skylander phase from Grade 1 to Grade 3. On every video game I played, Whether It was minecraft, Skylanders, or something else, I always selected that I was a boy. I didn't like playing female Skylanders, only the male ones. Except, in When I was in Third Grade, my closest Guy friend moved away. The night before he left, I kissed him on the cheek, and told him I'd never forget him. But something about felt...wrong and embarrassing...I couldn't put my finger on it, but I regretted doing that from that day on, hating the feelings it had given me. That's when I truly realized I wanted to be a boy. The feelings the idea of being a boy gave me were...amazing. Of course, I hid those feelings and thought to myself "No, No. You're a girl. You CAN'T be a boy." (At this time I was unaware of the LGBTQ+ Community and thought everybody was a straight cisgender.) So, I decided to create an OC. And so I did. His name was Claws, and he was Half Enderdragon Half Human. I enjoyed pretending to see the world from his eyes, and have people call me with He/Him pronouns. In Fourth grade, I began developing breasts. I hated the idea of myself with breasts, but I hid it. I also experienced friend trouble at this age. My Best Friend became friends with somebody else, so she hung out with them more than me. This infuriated me. How could she give me up like that? How could she decide to become Best Friends with this new person after we'd been friends for years'! I hated this new person. But as we fell deeper into the year, I began to like this new person. She seemed a little bit like me, interested in dragons (Like me), Minecraft (Like me), and more. Two weeks before school ended, this new friend gave me the address to a roleplaying minecraft server, where you could pretend to be somebody else. When I first joined the server, I fell in love. I loved the idea of pretending to be a boy as a whole, so I had my friends pretend that I was a boy, by telling everybody on the server that I was a boy IN REAL LIFE too. Whenever they used He/Him pronouns, I loved it. I loved hanging out with other guys on the server, and while I played on that server, I was in one of my happiest times, as a kid. I even got a girlfriend on the server! Unfortunately, on this minecraft server, they cursed. I didn't mind it, but I knew that if my parents found out, they wouldn't approve, as I was ten-year-old girl. Luckily, they didn't find out for awhile. But before they found out, my parents sent me to an All-Girls Sleepaway camp for two weeks. There, I discovered that the world WASN'T filled with straight cisgenders, like I had suspected. I was amazed by this, to be honest. When I got back, my dad found out about the server and banned me from ever going back onto the server, and If he found me on it, he would take away my Xbox and my computer privileges as a whole. I felt hopeless, right then. I missed having people call me with He/Him Pronouns. As the summer began passing by, One day, me and one of my guy friends were laughing at my caretaker (A different one) so my new caretaker pulled my to the side and asked me why I was being so cruel. I shrugged it off, and then she asked me "Why Can't you be like Claws? Nothing's Holding you back." She said, and I frowned. "I can't be Claws. He's a boy, and I'm a stinking girl." I said, as if it was obvious. She blinked at me, and told me one thing I'll never forget. "You can change your gender. I have a friend who did it. He used to be a girl named Charlotte, and now he's a boy named Charlie." My eyes grew so hopeful, right then. I got so excited, just by knowing that one day I could be a boy. A bit later, my female best friend referred to me as a Transgender whilst coming out to me about being a lesbian herself. I didn't understand what "Transgender" meant, but I didn't disagree with it and stuck with it. One day, when my mother and I were in the train, I told her about our conversation and how My friend referred to me as a Trans, not knowing what it meant. She yelled at me, asking me questions like: "DO YOU WANT THE MALE GENITAL'!" I shook my head for most of these questions, but inside I was thinking "Yes. If it makes me male, I want it." I let her shoot me down, and I pretended to admit that I was a cisgender female, reassuring my mother. But hearing my mother ask me these questions prompted me to look up the meaning. When I saw it, I thought "Wow! I'm not crazy!" From then on, I decided to label myself as a Transgender. Continuing the story, I was fine. In the summer of the next year, I met one of the best people I ever met. I was roleplaying on Roblox (As a boy, of course.) and I came across this girl who shared my interests. As we bonded, I told her I was a boy, and of course she used He/Him pronouns, which made me super happy. The two of us would roleplay together, hang out with each other (Online, Of course.), stuff like that. The next year, I began exploring the whole "Transgender" Thing a bit more. I was able to convince my parents to buy me my first pair of basketball shorts, which opened up a whole new world for me. I loved them, not just because they were comfortable to wear, but also because they made me appear more masculine. I continued to roleplay with this girl, to the point where whenever I needed to unwind, I'd talk to her to calm down. I loved how she really thought I was a boy, and, once again, one of the happiest times in my life. I'm even beginning to think I'm crushing on this girl (Which I'll post about later). But, In the past two weeks, I've begin to doubt myself being a Transgender. For starters, I've compared myself to other FtM Transgenders, and most of them liked sports as early as two. I was into Soccer at one point, but as most things eventually do for me, it bored me after a bit. Can somebody help me'??

[Willow]

Hey Cryptosan!

 

What a great share! I'm so glad we're getting to know you like this. Being fully honest is really powerful.

 

What appeals to you most about the idea of being identified as male? The pronouns? The ability to wear what feels comfortable/wear what you feel represents you better?

 

Have you checked out the umbrella term 'trans*'? It includes non-binary as an identity... where people want to act and look the way that feels best to them, without any associations with gender. Some people like the 'they/them' pronouns, but using the pronouns that feel best to you, is what's important.

 

If you feel like you are trans, and wish to have the benefits of what it means to identify as a male, then try not to compare your journey to other people's journeys. Not all men like sports, for example.

 

Also! You don't have to change your genitalia to be trans! A penis doesn't make you more of a man.

 

Hoping this helps....

 

 

-willow

 

 

P.S. A part I'm curious about is regarding that guy friend-- with whom you kissed on the cheek... And this girl you have an online relationship with... she doesn't know about the full extent of you're 'in real life' reality, right? I'm looking forward to your post around your relationship with this girl and maybe more about your understandings of your own sexuality?

 

[cryptosan]

Hi Willow!

 

Thanks for Taking the time to reply to this! I really appreciate it.

 

To be honest, I think the idea of being a boy as a whole excites me. Not just the pronouns, and the way I dress, but also the association to being a male.

 

Although, Recently, I've been feeling this weird "Dead" feeling, as I call it. I don't feel like myself when this happens, and I can't feel emotions. Another thing that is off is that when I'm in this weird zone, I feel that I couldn't care less, and I just want this whole gender crap to die.

 

If you have any idea on what this "dead" feeling is, please do tell me. It's incredibly stressful to have to deal with, and I'd appreciate some help. (If Possible)

 

Thanks,

-Crypto

[Willow]

Thanks Crypto,

 

This "dead" sounds a lot like you needing to move into wholly being the person you are, and if you can't be that person, then you're left without a love for life.

 

In many ways you're 'resisting' it because of the fear of how others will react.. and here you are, feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. You're the one sacrificing and suffering.

 

What would 'not resisting' look like? -- The path of least internal resistance is the best way to live. Seriously!

 

 

-willow

[cryptosan]

Hi Willow,

 

Are you sure? Whenever this "Dead" feeling comes across me, I like to imagine myself growing up as a boy, and then growing up as a Girl, and then as a Non-binary. I get the same reaction for all three: void. I feel neutral. I also haven't been experiencing my usual "Jealous of boys for being lucky enough to be boys" thing. The only thing future I seem to want to follow is death, and...I don't know anymore. Whenever anybody calls me by he/him pronouns, I don't get super happy like I used to. It's like I just don't care. Although, whenever somebody calls me by she/her pronouns, I do feel a bit annoyed, as usual. What's going on with me?

 

-Crypto

[Willow]

Hey Crypto,

 

Unfortunately, I can't be for sure. It's just how I'm interpreting the information you give me.

 

What are you hoping to feel when you imagine yourself as the three?

 

What are the things in your life that does cause you joy? I do think it's better to be neutral than hyper-happy or depressed. Maybe you're being directed to focus on other things, and not worry about your gender as much? It's hard to tell... I know, for me, I feel neutral around being male, female, or non-binary. It's not something I worry about. I just live my life the way I want-- and don't associate anything I'm doing with genders.

 

What kind of feeling does the idea of death bring? Have you created a plan for death?

 

I know you want for this to be 'figured out,' but try to find peace in the journey. It's okay to try something (like asking your friends, in real life, to use male pronounds-- and if it doesn't feel right, later, you can change it again. It's okay to be going through a process. Don't expect to have it all figured out!

 

-willow

[cryptosan]

Hi, Willow, Sorry it took so long!

I am hoping to feel happiness when I imagine myself as one of them, but no. The only thing that brings me joy is the idea of death. Also, It has shifted to depression in the time that I have been away. Nowadays, Gender brings a lot of anxiety for me. It's the worst, and all I want to do is die. The feeling it brings is...neutral...but in a good way, not in the same way as imagining myself as the three. And no, I haven't created a plan.

I have, however, come out as transgender to a group at school, although a part of me regrets it. I am doubting my transness A LOT now. Funny thing is, I'm scared of being cis, or Non-binary. It's weird.

-Crypto

[Willow]

Hi Crypto,

 

*This is another response on your support request-- in moving to our new Community sofware, some responses were lost in the process. Thank you for your patience during this time that Community has been inaccessible.*

 

I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling depressed. Gender identity and expression is something that should be an exciting time for you!-- but it's understandable when it's not.. when you're worried about how it might change how people treat you.

 

What do you mean when you say you're scared of being cis or non-binary? Many people who are non-binary also identify themselve in the trans community. I wonder which community you would feel most free in.

 

How did the people, you spoke to about being transgender to, react?

 

I don't want you to be scared to express yourself in the ways you want. A healthy expression starts with loving and accepting yourself in all your beauty. If you don't have love and confidence for your existence, any outside perceptions of you can be very harmful.

 

-willow

Edited October 30, 2018 by Willow

[Audumn]

Hey my name is Gavin I’m transgender girl you can call me Audumn I’m 23 my mental age is 12 like a little girl