I'm polyamorous, but my partner isn't

[Rosedud]

I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year. I love her, we're happy, etc.

Now, I knew I was poly going into the relationship, but she isn't. She knows/knew, too, because we've talked about it in depth before. But recently, she's been really protective/possessive over me. Not in a bad way necessarily, especially because previously I've just been able to turn off the way I feel for someone.

Then I met somebody last year. I didn’t even like them as a person last year, but I got to know them recently, and they got to know me, too. We have a lot of shared interests and a lot of new ones for each other, too. Now, I thought I just liked this person as a friend. But then last night I had an intrusive thought that I started actually thinking about, and... I feel emotionally connected to them. I feel SAFE around them, not to mention happy.

I just... I don't know how to bring this up to my girlfriend. Thinking about somebody else makes me feel like a jerk, but I know who I am and what I feel. I just don't know how to approach the subject, and I don't want to break her heart, but by saying nothing, I feel like instead I'm breaking both our hearts

[Luie]

16 hours ago, Rosedud said:

I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year. I love her, we're happy, etc.

Now, I knew I was poly going into the relationship, but she isn't. She knows/knew, too, because we've talked about it in depth before. But recently, she's been really protective/possessive over me. Not in a bad way necessarily, especially because previously I've just been able to turn off the way I feel for someone.

Then I met somebody last year. I didn’t even like them as a person last year, but I got to know them recently, and they got to know me, too. We have a lot of shared interests and a lot of new ones for each other, too. Now, I thought I just liked this person as a friend. But then last night I had an intrusive thought that I started actually thinking about, and... I feel emotionally connected to them. I feel SAFE around them, not to mention happy.

I just... I don't know how to bring this up to my girlfriend. Thinking about somebody else makes me feel like a jerk, but I know who I am and what I feel. I just don't know how to approach the subject, and I don't want to break her heart, but by saying nothing, I feel like instead I'm breaking both our hearts

Heyy @Rosedud, welcome to the community, it's great to have you with us. I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. 

It does sound like your current relationship matters to you. You are not a jerk for having thoughts about someone else, from the sound of it you have not acted upon any thoughts or desires you might have for this new person which shows that you respect your girlfriend and want to be honest with her about what you want and need. You're being level headed and mature about wanting to speak with her knowing it will be breaking your hearts now however, saving pain in the future if this relationship prolonged and the desire and need for someone else grew. 

Approaching this topic can definitely be slightly tricky, but one of the most important things would be to make some time in person (if possible) to have a one to one conversation about your relationship. Try to make sure it has not been an overly stressful day for either one of you, ideally in a private space so that you both can express your emotions as well. Be aware there will be anger, denial, blame, tears, hurt, questions etc. As she had expressed earlier to you about not being poly, recheck with her how she feels about it now after knowing everything you are feeling, have a conversation and give time to process what you have shared because it will be a lot for both of you. How does this sound to you?