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Friend group trouble rant


sadgirlhours    

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I’m stupid and I fucked up a couple weeks ago. I have been paying for it ever since and it’s just not a good situation. I was forgiven by my friends but then made it worse because I just couldn’t stop asking if “we were okay” and they all ended up getting mad. I also have a partial hearing impediment so If i’m not fully focused on someone I can’t hear them so my roommate talked about getting groceries and I didn’t hear her so in a FUCKED UP coincidence I announced to the group that I was going to trader joe’s and she got mad. I didn’t mention the hearing thing but I apologized because I didn’t want to make an excuse. It is just not a good situation, my old best friend isn’t really even my friend anymore. I heard what she said behind my back and it’s completely different than how she speaks to my face. I emotionally cut myself off from her in august and was doing GREAT until I ended up fucking everything up. She doesn’t really affect how I feel anymore but everyone else does. I was building a great friendship with this other person and they were great! sometimes we’d get on each others nerves but I felt comfortable expressing my feelings to them. Then I fucked up the whole friendship and idk what to do. I was also getting closer with the other roommate and it’s important to mention that she and my past best friend are really close. I feel like no matter what I do, if my past friend doesn’t like me then she won’t either. She is nice to me one on one but when someone else comes into the mix it changes. It makes me think about how I used to be in her position and I hope she doesn’t get walked all over. I just deeply regret fucking these friendships up because I genuinely like them. The only thing I don’t like is my past friend because over the last three years I’ve written up every altercation down and it just shows me how they made me feel. I just don’t like how she brings me or anyone else down when she doesn’t have to. I feel like there is too much past that I never brought up because I just wanted to brush off so there would be no problem. I thought i’d have a new friend who could be there for me and validate my feelings so I wouldn’t need to make up with her, and now I only want to make up with the two girls not my past best friend. I’m tired of being emotionally isolated and fucked with, there are too many mind games and lies. At least I owned up to my lie!!!! I just don’t know how long i’ll be in the dog house until they forgive me and I can be okay with myself. 

And they won’t tell me how they are doing or communicate with me unless I start it. So i’m really down bad. and two of them said I could come to them and talk but I just don’t trust them to keep it to themselves, I just know it will spread to the house. So idk. I don’t want to bring it up again but it is SO OBVIOUSLY still bothering them and I want to validate their feelings. I just don’t know how to do that right now. 

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13 hours ago, sadgirlhours said:

I’m stupid and I fucked up a couple weeks ago. I have been paying for it ever since and it’s just not a good situation. I was forgiven by my friends but then made it worse because I just couldn’t stop asking if “we were okay” and they all ended up getting mad. I also have a partial hearing impediment so If i’m not fully focused on someone I can’t hear them so my roommate talked about getting groceries and I didn’t hear her so in a FUCKED UP coincidence I announced to the group that I was going to trader joe’s and she got mad. I didn’t mention the hearing thing but I apologized because I didn’t want to make an excuse. It is just not a good situation, my old best friend isn’t really even my friend anymore. I heard what she said behind my back and it’s completely different than how she speaks to my face. I emotionally cut myself off from her in august and was doing GREAT until I ended up fucking everything up. She doesn’t really affect how I feel anymore but everyone else does. I was building a great friendship with this other person and they were great! sometimes we’d get on each others nerves but I felt comfortable expressing my feelings to them. Then I fucked up the whole friendship and idk what to do. I was also getting closer with the other roommate and it’s important to mention that she and my past best friend are really close. I feel like no matter what I do, if my past friend doesn’t like me then she won’t either. She is nice to me one on one but when someone else comes into the mix it changes. It makes me think about how I used to be in her position and I hope she doesn’t get walked all over. I just deeply regret fucking these friendships up because I genuinely like them. The only thing I don’t like is my past friend because over the last three years I’ve written up every altercation down and it just shows me how they made me feel. I just don’t like how she brings me or anyone else down when she doesn’t have to. I feel like there is too much past that I never brought up because I just wanted to brush off so there would be no problem. I thought i’d have a new friend who could be there for me and validate my feelings so I wouldn’t need to make up with her, and now I only want to make up with the two girls not my past best friend. I’m tired of being emotionally isolated and fucked with, there are too many mind games and lies. At least I owned up to my lie!!!! I just don’t know how long i’ll be in the dog house until they forgive me and I can be okay with myself. 

And they won’t tell me how they are doing or communicate with me unless I start it. So i’m really down bad. and two of them said I could come to them and talk but I just don’t trust them to keep it to themselves, I just know it will spread to the house. So idk. I don’t want to bring it up again but it is SO OBVIOUSLY still bothering them and I want to validate their feelings. I just don’t know how to do that right now. 

Hi @sadgirlhours, welcome to the community. It's lovely to have you here. I'm Aurora and I'm one of he support mentors here at Ditch the Label. I give support and advise to those who reach out to us. 

Thank you for opening up about what's been going on with your friends. I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your friends and it sounds like this has been going on for a while. Am I right in thinking, that there is one friend, who you don't really want to be friends with anymore, because you feel that she talks badly about you behind your back and she generally pulls you down. However, she is also friends with your other friends, which makes it all a bit difficult. Is that right?

From what you've been telling me, it sounds like there was a misunderstanding between you and your friends, which you apologised for and they said it was fine. However, you feel like it's still bothering them but you don't want to say anything because you think that will annoy them. Firstly, I just wanted to reassure you that it doesn't sound like you fucked up - it sounds more like it was a misunderstanding. Do you mind me asking, what makes you think that it's still bothering them? Sometimes we think that something is bothering someone else, because we're still thinking about it but in reality they've already forgotten about it. Do you think that might be a possibility?

Also, do your friends know that you have a hearing impediment? If not, do you think it might be a good idea to tell them, just so they are aware and they know for the future that you're not ignoring them on purpose? 

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3 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi @sadgirlhours, welcome to the community. It's lovely to have you here. I'm Aurora and I'm one of he support mentors here at Ditch the Label. I give support and advise to those who reach out to us. 

Thank you for opening up about what's been going on with your friends. I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your friends and it sounds like this has been going on for a while. Am I right in thinking, that there is one friend, who you don't really want to be friends with anymore, because you feel that she talks badly about you behind your back and she generally pulls you down. However, she is also friends with your other friends, which makes it all a bit difficult. Is that right?

From what you've been telling me, it sounds like there was a misunderstanding between you and your friends, which you apologised for and they said it was fine. However, you feel like it's still bothering them but you don't want to say anything because you think that will annoy them. Firstly, I just wanted to reassure you that it doesn't sound like you fucked up - it sounds more like it was a misunderstanding. Do you mind me asking, what makes you think that it's still bothering them? Sometimes we think that something is bothering someone else, because we're still thinking about it but in reality they've already forgotten about it. Do you think that might be a possibility?

Also, do your friends know that you have a hearing impediment? If not, do you think it might be a good idea to tell them, just so they are aware and they know for the future that you're not ignoring them on purpose? 

You

You are right to assume all of that, I do feel guilty still and I was not in the right headspace so I made myself super guarded/ the opposite and over sharing to the point of overwhelming two of them. I just feel like no matter what I do, it’s going to be wrong because right now all I want is for everyone to be okay around me again. I’ve taken the right steps and everything, so time and grace is all I have left to give. 

I wish I could rekindle with that one roommate, I really do but every time I think about doing it, I get flash backs to how she has made me feel. She made me cry once and then got mad at me for showing feelings and blamed it on the other roommate’s miscommunication. I remember it clearly and that one roommate was just trying to help me when the other made me cry and made a scene. but she makes other people feel so good and she is super charismatic so I can’t say anything, I don’t want to face her wrath.  And i won’t let myself get back into the spiral that was our friendship because I was always the one in the wrong even when I wasn’t. So I really don’t know how to communicate that without ruining the house dynamic so I stay quiet. I don’t hate her in the slightest but she makes me feel small and we don’t communicate well, nor do I. And I don’t know how to start a conversation with her because i’m scared. 

I have mentioned the hearing thing before but people just get frustrated with me and i don’t know if they remember. So i feel like bringing it up will just be an excuse to them. And i’m scared of being open about that because they could easily dismiss me. 

I would be fine with the dynamic if that weekend hadn’t happened, I would still be close with the one roommate who actually made an effort to hangout with me. 
but now I just don’t know what to do until they are acting normally around me again. I will not bring up with happened again because it would cause chaos but i feel like internally it is not yet resolved. and i’m willing to wait because I do feel connected to them, it is just a really complicated dynamic that is unspoken of. 

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On 11/2/2022 at 6:46 PM, sadgirlhours said:

You

You are right to assume all of that, I do feel guilty still and I was not in the right headspace so I made myself super guarded/ the opposite and over sharing to the point of overwhelming two of them. I just feel like no matter what I do, it’s going to be wrong because right now all I want is for everyone to be okay around me again. I’ve taken the right steps and everything, so time and grace is all I have left to give. 

I wish I could rekindle with that one roommate, I really do but every time I think about doing it, I get flash backs to how she has made me feel. She made me cry once and then got mad at me for showing feelings and blamed it on the other roommate’s miscommunication. I remember it clearly and that one roommate was just trying to help me when the other made me cry and made a scene. but she makes other people feel so good and she is super charismatic so I can’t say anything, I don’t want to face her wrath.  And i won’t let myself get back into the spiral that was our friendship because I was always the one in the wrong even when I wasn’t. So I really don’t know how to communicate that without ruining the house dynamic so I stay quiet. I don’t hate her in the slightest but she makes me feel small and we don’t communicate well, nor do I. And I don’t know how to start a conversation with her because i’m scared. 

I have mentioned the hearing thing before but people just get frustrated with me and i don’t know if they remember. So i feel like bringing it up will just be an excuse to them. And i’m scared of being open about that because they could easily dismiss me. 

I would be fine with the dynamic if that weekend hadn’t happened, I would still be close with the one roommate who actually made an effort to hangout with me. 
but now I just don’t know what to do until they are acting normally around me again. I will not bring up with happened again because it would cause chaos but i feel like internally it is not yet resolved. and i’m willing to wait because I do feel connected to them, it is just a really complicated dynamic that is unspoken of. 

Hi there, I'm sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I wasn't online for a few days. I'm just wondering how things are now, now that another week has passed? If you still feel like it's not yet resolved then it might be a good idea to have another talk with your friends. Would you agree? If you like, I can help you think about how you can best approach it with them. Personally I find it's usually best to be open and honest with your friends.  And if something was bothering my friend, I would like to know. What do you think ? 

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