Was I bullied? and how do I forgive those people so that I can live peacefully?

[username08]

I hope this is not too late to face my issues. I don't know why after five years, I want to face my issues. I guess I've been ignoring it for the last few years and pretending everything was fine, but it hurts me every time when I think about the past. So back in my high school, I have no idea why and how people around me just disliked me. I was dating a guy who was very popular at school back then and I was in fact, a very active student at school - I was participating school events, and I was always getting the good grades and almost all the teachers liked me. However, students did not. Some of them spread the rumors about me saying I was mean to the other kids. Later on, I got transferred to another class with my friend. My friend was very outgoing and I was shy in a new environment. Students in the classroom started saying things about me (I heard it from my friend), saying that I looked like I was unreachable and I had too much pride in me. The fact is, I had a really big heart and I was the only kid in my entire classroom who would treat a handicapped student nice. I was being made fun of for me treating that student nice. Anyways, I felt like I was being mistreated by so many other students and being criticized for no reason for almost three years. I did not ask for help or talk to any of my close friend back then. Becuase I realized nobody was actually there for me and everyone was just minding their own business. After my high school, I left and thought I could just pretend nothing happened or even realize I got bullied. (I think it was hard for me to accept that because I've been a great daughter and good student for so many years) Right now, it's been almost five years and yes I haven't properly healed myself or wanting to share my thought and feelings. However, I think I am ready to heal myself because I want to be able to live peacefully with myself and others in the future, Thank you for reading and thank you for your help in advance.

[Willow]

Hey Username08,

 

Thanks for finding your way to Community.. and it's never too late to start working on ways to better yourself.

 

How does it feel being able to share your experience with us? It sounds like you haven't had too many people to talk to about it.

 

Your high school situation sounds similar to what mine looked like. I was active in sports and clubs, and had good relationships with my teachers. It sounds like you have a big heart, and were just misunderstood. You should never have had to feel bad about your decisions.

 

I think it's important to remind ourselves that we are not the problem, when we are bullied. There are many reasons a person bullies, and it's never because a person "should" be bullied. It sounds like some people didn't know how to relate to you... but that's not your fault. You being the best and truest you is what is going to bring friends/good people into your life!

 

Here's an article on why people bully. It's important to realize that they probably have things go on with their own self-esteem.

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/why-do-people-bully/

 

How are your friendships now that you're outside of high school? Has the bullying you experienced affect how you interact with the world, now?

 

 

-willow

[username08]

Hi! Willow,

 

Thank you so much for your message. I am really glad that I decided to share my stories here and I am already feeling better (so, thank you for your reply and encouragement again, I really appreciate it).

 

I never faced my situation back then during my high school and even after my graduation, I did not talk to those people because I simply didn't want to. After that, I went to college and every time when I was on social media, I could see how they interact with my "best friend" (I thought she was my best friend back then) VS how they did not even care to like my post. It was just an obvious comparison. To be honest, it was tough to even after my high school. The memories, the feelings were still there with me. I left and started my new life. That was the best decision I made in my life but as everyone says every decision comes with a consequence. I am far away from home now (there were lots of reasons I left, not only because of the high school experience) and I miss my family on a regular basis. Therefore, I sometimes have this resentful feelings towards those who hurt me and made me leave (I know that it was me who made the decision but still I can't stop thinking about only if they had treated me nicely, maybe my life wouldn't be a mess back then and then I wouldn't have to leave). However, being in another country and making friends with people who are different from me in terms of culture and language has been an amazing experience for me, I like the fact that my friends here are very straight-forward and they say what they mean. They also wish the best for me and they are always there for me. Although I don't have a bunch of friends like this, I feel comfortable with just a few friends. I then realized what I like in friends can be completely different from what my high school classmates want in a friendship. I don't know if this makes sense, but I feel like it was also a very cultural thing. I find myself liking the other culture more in terms of making friends (not that I hate my own culture). Anyways (sorry for the long message), I still can feel a little hurt when I think of certain people who hurt me deeply back then, but I am happy with my friend's circle now. I also know that because of my experience, I am more sensitive in a friendship and often find myself scared of confronting my feeling. Even if I do, I don't know how to go about it.

 

Thank you

[username08]

Hi Willow,

thank you so much for your message. I really appreciate it.

 

I am happy with my life now but I find it hard to forgive those who hurt me deeply. I only want peace for myself. I find myself being very sensitive, and insecure when it comes to friendship now. My friends know I am a sensitive person and they never judged me for it. Some of them even appreciate my sensitivity. However, I wanted to be strong and confident. I find myself having difficulties confronting my feelings in a friendship because often I am scared of losing friends. Also, even if I do want to confront, I don't know how should I go about it without hurting the friendships I have.

 

Thank you

[Willow]

Heya Username08,

 

I'm glad we could provide the opportunity for you to share!

 

I can understand how it might be upsetting to see how the people you went to high school continue to keep in touch. After high school I made the decision to move to a different country-- and when I was feeling lonely/far away, it was easy to get caught up in what my life "could have been" if I had stayed and continued those friendships.

 

If you don't want to talk to these people, don't have expectations of how they interact with you. Your best friend (back then) has a different relationship with them-- and those are friendships she invested in. Do you think you are upset that your friend was friends with these people you bullied you?

 

It sounds like your life has really changed for the better. That's incredible! And that's what we need to remind ourselves-- that we have the choice to continue having the same type of 'friends' and have the same patterns of behavior-- but you've chosen to change that about your situation.

 

Know, the knowledge you've gained from your experiencing a different culture is huge. Those people in high school were not your "tribe"-- the bubble of high school is not sustainable in an adult life. I'm so glad to hear you seem to have made some good friends.

 

We all need different things in our lives-- and those high school experiences don't serve you, anymore. You're going to make sure you're not in the same situation-- and you're being careful about the kinds of people you have friendships with. You're right-- true friends will understand that you may be cautious in a friendship, for you fear you'll be hurt.

 

Are you clear about your needs and boundaries with your friends? Does your fear of losing friends prevent you from saying what is hurting you?

 

...But wouldn't you rather have friends with whom you can be completely honest with-- and vice versa?

 

Here's an article about friendships-- making sure they are healthy ones:

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/are-they-really-your-friend-15-signs-that-suggest-otherwise/

 

And, here's an article on conflict resolution. Your needs deserve to be heard-- and if it's something you need a friend to do to make a healthier friendship with you, it okay to ask for that. And then collaborate on a solution! If they can't collaborate about that, then the friendship dynamic/expectations may need to change.

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/speak-anyone-anything-conflict-resolution/

 

Hope this helps!

 

 

-willow

 

 

[username08]

Hi Willow,

 

I responded with a very long message and somehow it is not showing here. at least I can't see it. Can you see it? Please let me know if you can't, I will reply it again.

 

Thank you,

[Willow]

Hey Username08,

 

I'm sorry, I don't see it here! I'm so sorry! ... It's so frustrating when technology glitches after you've written a long response!

 

 

-willow

[username08]

Hi Willow,

 

it's ok. I can just rewrite the main points I was talking about. Yes, you were right, I think I was and still am upset about my friend was friends with them back then. The worst part is I did not even really care about how I felt back then but then, later on, I was able to think through everything she has not done for me as a friend. It was just upsetting. Also, somehow those friends of her thought I was not nice to her which was completely not true. The truth was, I considered her as my only best friend back then and I really did cherish her the way I could.

 

and yes, I think true friends should be able to listen to you and respect you even if you confront your feelings with them. I did this just about a year ago because I did not want to be like the old me to keep everything inside. However, my friends left. I was only left with confusion because they were not willing to communicate but being passive aggressive on social media which drove me crazy... (FYI: those friends are all not from here and maybe just maybe I think they have different cultural value towards friendship and all but I still can't figure that out) )

 

I will definitely read through the articles you've provided me, thank you so much.

 

Sincerely,

 

[ariisokay]

Hey. Idk if you are religious or not, but I found that Christs willingness to die for us despite the way he was treated and all the things we've done very inspiring.

[Willow]

Hey Username08,

 

Have you ever been able to talk to your previous friend about how much her behavior has hurt you? I can imagine how hard it must have been to be told that you were mistreating the person you cared dearly for.

 

It's really important not to keep things inside-- you know this. Your health is priority. And what the reality is, is that many people won't know what to do with your needs. Which shows they aren't healthy for you! You were left confused because of their lack of clear communication. That's so hard for you to get any closure from!

 

But! The amazing thing is that you've developed for the kinds of friendships you want. And those standards will help you find fruitful friendships ?

 

 

-willow

[username08]

I haven't told her anything. Later on, I just realized that she treats everyone nicely and she is the type of girl who doesn't need any best friend. Basically, she likes to be friends with everyone and she seemed to not care if she had a close friend or not. I think this is the maybe for the best. I now know what I need and what kind of people I want to hang out with. I will try not to stress about what happened in the past and let it influence me so much now.

 

I just hope I can forgive them so that I can live in peace from now on, instead of always thinking of it and hurting myself.

 

Thank you

[Willow]

Hey Username08,

 

That's incredibly admirable. It's beautiful that you don't want to be influenced by the past.. I try to do my best to learn from the past and use it for my future-- which is what you seem to be doing, too!

 

It's all about forgiveness! -- And it doesn't mean that you have to have them in your life, in any way.. but being able to release your anger and pain will really help you now, and in the future. ??

 

 

-willow

[username08]

Thank you so much, Willow. I hope everything goes well with you!

[Willow]

Thank you, thank you! -- I really appreciate that!