Hi everyone! I'm new here and would like to get an opinion on a personal matter

[flaca247]

I would like to get some people's opinion on something I'm struggling with. I just want to apologize first and say that this is gonna be really long. I am a 14 year old female with parents who are serious Christians and think being gay is a sin. When my parents met my 19 year old sister's gay friends they didn't say anything rude/mean, but they do not agree with their lifestyle and think they are going to Hell for sinning/being gay. Now I know my parents, and I know for a fact they wouldn't react well to the news of me being gay, especially my dad, I just don't know how bad their reaction would be. For example, one day my older sister was listening to some rap music and when my dad found out what she was listening to he said that if she was gonna listen to that stuff she should go find her own place to live (he didn't exactly kick her out because he gave her the choice of staying, but only if she stopped listening to that music and some other things to that I didn't mention here), and so she did and she is now currently staying with some of her friends in a small apartment. But now my parents want her to come back and live with us for another year, or so, but my sister doesn't really want to. Anyways, keeping my sexuality a secret is killing me, but at the same time I'm so scared to tell anyone because I don't know how they'll react. I feel like there is nobody I can tell because all my life I've attended a Christian school and gone to Church, so most of my friends are Christians too and don't think homosexuality is right. I think the only person I could tell right now would be my older sister because she has a few gay friends and is good friends with them all; I honestly don't think she'd care if I'm gay, or straight (in a good way), but I still don't know why I'm so nervous to tell her we literally tell everything to each other. A few days ago me, my mom, and my older sister went out to eat lunch and before we dropped her off at her apartment she asked me if I had a boyfriend. So badly I wanted to respond by saying, "Of course not I don't even like boys, I like girls," but instead all I could say was," No." This year, I'll be going to a public school for the first time in my life for high school and so the school did this thing were incoming 9th graders got to meet each other and stuff so we would know some people before starting school. There was this boy that I became friends with and I was texting him at my house about our summer assignments and my mom asked who I was texting. I told her it was a friend and she asked if it was a guy or a girl. Right when I said guy, she was like are you sure your just friends. For some reason this made me so angry and all I wanted to do was tell her, " Yes, we are just friends I don't even like boys, I'm gay." but instead I just said," Yes." Every time someone asks me if I have a boyfriend, or if there is a boy that I like, it makes me so angry that people assume I'm straight when I am not. I especially hate it when people ask me if there is anybody that I like, because there is somebody that I like, but she is a girl. So whenever people ask that question I just have to say No because if I say Yes they'll ask who is HE even though it's not a HE; and if I say it's not a boy my secret will be out. As I get older, I'm afraid that if I don't date any boys people will suspect something is up, especially my parents since my older sister dated tons of boys when she was in high school. Even as I'm writing this now, my heart is beating so fast and my my hands are literally shaking because I've never told the truth about myself to anyone before, even if it is some stranger on the internet. I just want somebody's advice on whether I should come out to my sister and how (since I don't see her as much anymore) because right now I don't think I'm ready to come out to my parents. I really want to come out to somebody because I'm tired of hiding who I am to everyone close to me; it's exhausting and it's been giving me a lot of stress lately.

Thanks in advance for your advice!

[ashleberry]

Hi! I'm new as well. I'm not experienced in coming out, but here's my advice anyway.

 

I think you should definitely come out to your sister. Maybe ask your parents if you can go visit her and have a sister day. (Where just you and your sister go out shopping or whatever you 2 want to do!) Come out to her whenever you feel the moment is right. In the car is probably where I would do it.

 

Once you get that out of the way, maybe you can ask your sister to help you come out to your parents.

 

God made you this way, and he loves you. If God can love you, your parents can too. Just remember, your parents might be shocked, confused, or angry at first. This doesn't mean they don't love you. Give them time.

 

Good luck sweetheart.

 

 

[flaca247]

Thank you so much! I hope that soon one day I'll work up enough courage to tell her.

[tinyavenger]

Hi! I am a Christian too and I have a few Christian people I am close to who have negative views on homosexuality. I believe that whatever your sexuality is, that is what God made you to be and he loves you for it. Everyone else should also love and accept you no matter what.

God made you what he wants you to be. You are beautiful in His eyes no matter what your sexuality is. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Anyways, past the religious stuff, I think you should come out to your sister first, as she will probably understand. Tell your parents when you feel ready. They should love you for who you are. If they don't accept you and tell you God hates you and you are going to Hell or something along those lines, don't pay attention to them. God will always love you. Don't let them get you down.

[flaca247]

Thank you so much for your response/advice!

[Monsoon]

Hey KARISAIRENE33,

 

No need to apologise, it's what we are here for. You are no longer alone in this and we will help you through it ?

 

First of all, how are you feeling about your situation? It sounds like you are pretty stressed ? sorry to hear about that.

 

When I came out, I started by doing it with friends first which helped me to build up the courage to then tell my parents. It sounds like your sister may react well to you coming out as she already has gay friends. I would start with her first. Just telling one person you care about will make you feel SO much better.

 

With your parents, it is tricker as you have said. Religion often makes people think in a certain way about things like sexuality, gender and marriage. These views may not represent how followers of such religions feel, it's just that they've been taught to feel this way. It is so important to be patient as they will probably need time to come round to the idea of you being gay. Once they realise how much this means to you, they could be fine with it. I know loads of people who had religious parents and they came out to them and all was well in the end!

 

The guide below about parents having a bad reaction will be really useful for yourself. There is also another one about coming out to homophobic parents:

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/coming-out-homophobic-parents/

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/my-parents-didnt-react-well-to-me-coming-out/

 

I hope you find this advice helpful. I look forward to hearing back from you.

 

Hang in there! ? Monsoon ?

[flaca247]

Thank you so much for your advise. I have come so close to telling my sister and my mom, but whenever I think about telling them (especially my mom) I start to feel so nervous and my hands start to tremble. How can I get enough courage to tell them? Is there a way not to feel scared when coming out?

 

[Monsoon]

Hey Karis,

 

I get why you are so scared. The thing with coming out though is that it's just scary in general. I found it easier to tell my mum over text message which made me feel less scared. Also, it can be made easier by telling friends first to build up courage.

 

With them being homophobic, it could be a good idea to have a backup plan. By this, I mean that you could organise to be able to stay somewhere incase things go wrong. This could be with another family member or close friend perhaps?

 

I hope you find this useful. How are you feeling about it all?

 

-Monsoon

[flaca247]

Thank you again! I was thinking I'll tell my sister first either by text, or the next time I see her again in person, since I'm more comfortable telling her, and I was thinking to tell my parents later maybe when my sister is more financially stable just in case they'd kick me out I could go live with her.

[Monsoon]

Hey Karis,

 

That sounds like a great idea. It's important to have a back-up plan incase things go wrong, and you're definitely well prepared. Keep us in the loop about your situation

 

-Monsoon