New here... looking for a place to offload

[ruan]

Hi

Ive been struggling for the past 5 years to accept myself for being gay but eventually I came to accept that its really not that big of a deal (for me at least) and im happy with who i am at the moment. But i live in south africa and for my family its weird to see someone NOT homophobic never mind actually being gay.

So I came up with a plan to come out to them when Im not as financially dependant on them as I am now (in about 2 years)... I know they wont disown me or anything crazy but just incase.

Where my problem comes in is that I am at a difficult part in my life where I really should put effort into my future... and from next year university. So school should be a priority for me. But the past few months since I came to accept myself has been tough and I dont put as much effort into my school work as I should. And it doesnt help that I am getting vibes from my best friend ( that Ive actually fallen for ) that he maybe likes me aswell. And in a country where society still struggles to accept people for who they are, I cant be sure that he is gay aswell and I really dont want to wreck our friendship.

And I dont really know what to do... I am currently thinking about coming out to my sister ( we are very close) soon.

 

Haha sry I didnt expect this to be so long.

[Monsoon]

Hey Ruan,

 

Thanks for coming to us for advice. We know what you are going through and we can help you through this

 

First of all, sorry to hear about your struggle. I know how hard the fear of coming out is. How are you feeling?

 

It's great that you are happy with who you are and have accepted it. I think it's a good idea that you want to wait until you are no longer dependent until you come out. I'm wondering what makes you know they won't disown you? If you are sure, it might be a good idea to come out. This could help you to focus on your school work better.

 

Also, it sounds like it will really help you to tell your sister first. Do you think she will be fine with it? Just sharing your feelings with someone and telling them something important releases a lot of stress, and I really recommend it. This might also help pave the way in telling your parents.

 

I hope you find this advice helpful. Let me know and if not, we can figure out something else.

 

Here is a hep guide for those coming out:

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/top-11-tips-for-coming-out-as-lesbian-gay-or-bi/

 

Hang in there! -Monsoon

[ruan]

Hey monsoon

Thanks for the support and help I appreceate it.

 

I really dont know how my sister would handle it. I guess thats what makes it so scary. Ive had many opportunities to tell her but so far every time I chicken out. I just cant pop the question for us to go and have lunch or something so that we could have some one on one time. I really want to tell her but I dont want to force it. It will probably be much easier to come out to my parents if I tell her first.

When I was 13 (5 years ago - the time I realised I was gay) my parents found pics of guys on my phone and now I totally understand why they would be angry with that but the way they reacted was not the best. My dad actually told me that he woudnt have been so angry if it were women and that I should find new parents if I continue because he didnt raise me to be this way. My mom on the other hand forced me to read the bible with her every night for a few months. So I assured them that I was straight and we pretty much left it there and never spoke a word of it again. But both my parents are over reactors when it comes to fights and misunderstandings and would normally say they are sorry the next day.

I trust them enough that I know they wont actually do what they said. And now that I understand the way stereotypes and stigmas work I could explain to them that it isnt such a big deal. And if all else fails my sister would definitely help me.

I know it sounds tough but it isnt that bad and many people have it much worse.

[Monsoon]

Hey Ruan,

 

Thanks for getting back to me. Ahh, I know what you mean. I tried to tell my mum so many times but I've chickened out. I eventually told her via text message because it took away the pressure of having to do it face-to-face. This could be an option for you if you are too scared to do it?

 

Before coming out to them, I recommend doing it to friends first and gradually build it up. You may become more comfortable with it this way.

 

I'm sorry to hear what you went through when your parents found the pics. How are you feeling about this? As you said, now that you understand how stereotypes and stigmas work, you can help to put them at ease when you come out to them. Religion often causes homophobia, and a lot of people just need time to come to terms with their relative being gay,

 

I hope you find this useful?

 

Hang in there! - Monsoon

[ruan]

Hey there.

So I did it. I wrote a letter to my sister and planted it in her handbag.

She was here with me a few minutes ago. I actually expected it to be better and worse. She didnt get mad or anything but strugles to accept it. She says that I should at least try to be with a girl. She says it is going to take a while for her but she says that it is my choice when I want to tell my parents.

I cant believe I did it but Im in uncharted waters here and Im a bit confused with what to do. Its a lot harder here than I thought. She says she thinks it is just a phase and that it would pass. She doesnt believe me when I say that Ive been gay my whole life and that its an entire process that I had to go through.

[Monsoon]

Hey Ruan,

 

I'm proud that you did it - how are you feeling?

 

I'm sorry that she struggles to accept it, but her reaction could have been much worse. It is good that she has said that she needs time rather than just disowning you. It is now important that you are patient with her. As time goes on, her negative feelings will hopefully disappear and she will realise that it is not just a phase.

 

What's the next step for you in your coming out journey now if you've thought about it?

 

Sending positive vibes! - Monsoon

[ruan]

I have a VERY VERY big problem now. My sister told my mother and now she is VERY angry with me. She says that she wont send me to university and that she is spending way too much money on me and that it is going to waste. She took the wifi away and basically denies me privacy. I dont know what to do or who to ask for help

[Monsoon]

Hey Ruan,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about this. Please know that your sexuality isn't the problem, but it's your mum's attitude that needs to change. How are you feeling about all of this?

 

Do you have any close friends or other family that you could go and stay with whilst things blow over? When people have bad reactions to someone they love coming out, they often need time which requires patience on your behalf. I know this is easier said than done, but it is important to give them time to come to terms with it.

 

Here is a guide you may find useful. It explains why some parents may respond negatively to their child's sexuality and how to deal with it:

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/my-parents-didnt-react-well-to-me-coming-out/

 

Have you tried speaking to her about why she is so angry in her reaction? This could help start a healthy discussion around the problem. When doing this, it is important to make sure you remain calm. This can help to avoid an argument.

 

I hope you find this advice helpful. If not, let me know and we can figure something else. Also, please keep me updated on your situation. We are all here to help you at Community and you are not alone.

 

Hang in there - Monsoon.