To hold on or give up an 8years of friendship

[goldenbuttxx]

 

Hi. First of all thank you for this post where I can open up my own matter to strangers that I need advice with.

I have been friend with this person for  8 years...this person is my bestfriend. This person invites me onto his/her home when there's occasion,  though this person has never entered my home throughout the years, its fine with us since I always come to this person's home wherein this person's family prepares me food and company...

But I realized, throughout the years that we as friends, this person's family, particularly his/her 'aunt' kept saying stuffs that i find hurtful (most of the time)  actually...in a form of a joke...and I found myself that I would just brushed it off through laughing because I guess this person's aunt , maybe that just her personality. I've realized that even when I'm just asking stuff out of politeness or kindness, the aunt would just be frank by her responses saying that "I'm ugly" or that things that just really describe how ugly I am in her eyes...

So I thought, am I disrespected or is it just that they have the right to ridicule me because I'm just a guest staying in their home for a wonderful cooked meal they've prepared and I'm just a guest who are invited every time to eat?....but later on I've realized that whenever I come to their house, I have gifts that I'm happy to give to them, and they're happy to receive it as well... but later on, it's hitting me hard if what I have been doing was that, am I doing this to please them in the first place? The reason why I come to their house is because I love my bestfriend...and this person's aunt love my bestfriend more than the mother of my bestfriend because the aunt is the one that took care of my bestfriend...and the reason why I feel sad about this is that...all those words to define me to say that I'm ugly...reminded me how I was bullied for being ugly when I was young and still to this day I find it hard to build up the self love and the confidence for years...maybe I tried to brush it off because I wanted to get used with the words that still hurts me but who am I fooling...

so maybe dear strangers who are very kind to offer their insights... I wanted to ask if...not coming to their house anymore and giving up the friendship would be for the best...I don't want to let my bestfriend chose between me or the aunt, and that...if this sadness makes me wonder if what I was doing is to just fit in or to feel like I belonged to by not giving up the years of friendship I yearned before...it aches me more than a breakup tbh. my bestfriend's birthday is getting near...and I'm wondering if my decision not to come anymore on their house would be for the best...I don't think we can go out and spend my bestfriend birthday outside the way I want to...because this person usually prefer to stay at his/her home. Should giving up would spare the self respect that I deserve...? or would holding on means loving for the sake of my friend?

 

[Aurora]

On 9/12/2022 at 5:56 AM, goldenbuttxx said:

Hi. First of all thank you for this post where I can open up my own matter to strangers that I need advice with.

I have been friend with this person for  8 years...this person is my bestfriend. This person invites me onto his/her home when there's occasion,  though this person has never entered my home throughout the years, its fine with us since I always come to this person's home wherein this person's family prepares me food and company...

But I realized, throughout the years that we as friends, this person's family, particularly his/her 'aunt' kept saying stuffs that i find hurtful (most of the time)  actually...in a form of a joke...and I found myself that I would just brushed it off through laughing because I guess this person's aunt , maybe that just her personality. I've realized that even when I'm just asking stuff out of politeness or kindness, the aunt would just be frank by her responses saying that "I'm ugly" or that things that just really describe how ugly I am in her eyes...

So I thought, am I disrespected or is it just that they have the right to ridicule me because I'm just a guest staying in their home for a wonderful cooked meal they've prepared and I'm just a guest who are invited every time to eat?....but later on I've realized that whenever I come to their house, I have gifts that I'm happy to give to them, and they're happy to receive it as well... but later on, it's hitting me hard if what I have been doing was that, am I doing this to please them in the first place? The reason why I come to their house is because I love my bestfriend...and this person's aunt love my bestfriend more than the mother of my bestfriend because the aunt is the one that took care of my bestfriend...and the reason why I feel sad about this is that...all those words to define me to say that I'm ugly...reminded me how I was bullied for being ugly when I was young and still to this day I find it hard to build up the self love and the confidence for years...maybe I tried to brush it off because I wanted to get used with the words that still hurts me but who am I fooling...

so maybe dear strangers who are very kind to offer their insights... I wanted to ask if...not coming to their house anymore and giving up the friendship would be for the best...I don't want to let my bestfriend chose between me or the aunt, and that...if this sadness makes me wonder if what I was doing is to just fit in or to feel like I belonged to by not giving up the years of friendship I yearned before...it aches me more than a breakup tbh. my bestfriend's birthday is getting near...and I'm wondering if my decision not to come anymore on their house would be for the best...I don't think we can go out and spend my bestfriend birthday outside the way I want to...because this person usually prefer to stay at his/her home. Should giving up would spare the self respect that I deserve...? or would holding on means loving for the sake of my friend?

Hi @goldenbuttxx, Welcome to the community! It's great to have you here . I'm Aurora and I'm one of the support mentors here at Ditch the Label. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. Thank you very much for sharing what has been going on with your friend and their aunt. I'm sorry your friend's aunt has been so unkind to you and I understand why this puts you in a difficult situation with your friend. From what you are saying it sounds like your friend is really important to you and I get the impression that you don't want this to ruin your friendship. On the other hand I totally understand that you don't want to keep being treated like this.  Can I ask, have you spoken to your friend about this? Also, I'm wondering if you could let your friends aunt know that you feel hurt by what she says. She might not realise that this is upsetting you. Some people show their affection for others by making fun of them. This obviously isn't OK but she might not be aware how much she is upsetting you? What do you think?