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lonely and exhausted by life


blueveronica ย  ย 
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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Suicide

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i've been depressed for so long it doesn't feel like it can get any better. i've been suicidal on and off for the past two years. it feels really unfair that i can't catch a break. people with loving families and a support system don't realize how lucky they are. i'm so lonely. i feel needy for having to depend on the one friend that i have, who has other friends to talk to. when i can't reach that friend i have to depend on my toxic mother for emotional support. it hurts so bad to know that none of the people in your life truly love you or want to show up for you in the way that you need them to. to be honest, i don't even know what i want or need i just know i don't want anything to do with the life i was forced into. sometimes i feel like the only way anyone would take my pain seriously would be if i ended up in the hospital.ย 

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2 hours ago, blueveronica said:

i've been depressed for so long it doesn't feel like it can get any better. i've been suicidal on and off for the past two years. it feels really unfair that i can't catch a break. people with loving families and a support system don't realize how lucky they are. i'm so lonely. i feel needy for having to depend on the one friend that i have, who has other friends to talk to. when i can't reach that friend i have to depend on my toxic mother for emotional support. it hurts so bad to know that none of the people in your life truly love you or want to show up for you in the way that you need them to. to be honest, i don't even know what i want or need i just know i don't want anything to do with the life i was forced into. sometimes i feel like the only way anyone would take my pain seriously would be if i ended up in the hospital.ย 

Hi there, I'm so sorry you're feeling so low.

Firstly, you mention that you've been suicidal so can I check that you're currently safe? I'm going to list some crisis details below so you have them to hand.

(UK) The Samaritans - 116 123 (This is a free service that operates 24/7)

(USA) Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988 ย (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text)ย 

A list of worldwide crisis lines can be found here: https://www.befrienders.orgย 

There's an app I can recommend called Stay Alive - it has safety plans to make sure you donโ€™t harm yourself and you might find it helpful.

I know it can feel exhausting feeling so low for so long. Can I ask what services or therapy you've been able to access so far?

We're here for you.ย 

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i did therapy for a brief period of time as part of a service offered by my university, but the therapist invalidated some of my problems. i go to the trevor project to chat with counselors sometimes. i just wish the actual situations causing my problems would be removed, instead of me just having to cope all the time.ย 

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1 hour ago, blueveronica said:

i did therapy for a brief period of time as part of a service offered by my university, but the therapist invalidated some of my problems. i go to the trevor project to chat with counselors sometimes. i just wish the actual situations causing my problems would be removed, instead of me just having to cope all the time.ย 

I'm sorry to hear your therapist invalidated some of your problems. I think it's really important to have a therapist who understands you and who you trust. I'm wondering whether there might be a different therapist you can see through the service offered by your university?ย 

Also, do you mind me asking, what the situation is that is causing your problems?ย 

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i can get a referral to off-campus therapy because on campus therapy has a limited number of visits. i'm caught between accepting the system and doing what i need to in order to make money, and then doing whatever i want at the risk that i'm not financially secure. i don't have any career aspirations but i do know what i would like from my life. it just feels unfair that i'd have to sacrifice one for the other. at the same time i don't want to sound like that person who expects the world to change for them. i know that's very unrealistic but i feel like a lot of people wouldn't be in pain anymore if we changed what we as a society care about and prioritize. i'm also scared that i don't have what it takes to break cycles and patterns in finding genuine friendships and getting mentors. i have always struggled with making friends who stick around and i wish i had some parental-like figures who could accept me because i can't fully be myself around my actual parents. i have a lot of things i want from life and i'm not sure how to get them.ย 

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15 hours ago, blueveronica said:

i can get a referral to off-campus therapy because on campus therapy has a limited number of visits. i'm caught between accepting the system and doing what i need to in order to make money, and then doing whatever i want at the risk that i'm not financially secure. i don't have any career aspirations but i do know what i would like from my life. it just feels unfair that i'd have to sacrifice one for the other. at the same time i don't want to sound like that person who expects the world to change for them. i know that's very unrealistic but i feel like a lot of people wouldn't be in pain anymore if we changed what we as a society care about and prioritize. i'm also scared that i don't have what it takes to break cycles and patterns in finding genuine friendships and getting mentors. i have always struggled with making friends who stick around and i wish i had some parental-like figures who could accept me because i can't fully be myself around my actual parents. i have a lot of things i want from life and i'm not sure how to get them.ย 

It sounds like there is a lot going on for you at the moment. I'm glad to hear you know what you want from life. Can I ask, why you think that you would have to sacrifice one for the other? Also, what I sometimes find helpful is to remember that our lives have lots of different paths and things change all the time. Something that might seem unachievable at one point in our life might be achievable later on. What do you think?ย 

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I just think there's so much in our lives that's limited by how much money we make. Even if you have an interest, if you can't monetize it then you can't get money from it to survive, so you will have to choose something else to make a living. I don't want to be working all my life just to survive instead of just enjoying life on Earth. Maybe I do need to wait to see if something becomes achievable.ย 

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14 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I just think there's so much in our lives that's limited by how much money we make. Even if you have an interest, if you can't monetize it then you can't get money from it to survive, so you will have to choose something else to make a living. I don't want to be working all my life just to survive instead of just enjoying life on Earth. Maybe I do need to wait to see if something becomes achievable.ย 

I hope you don't mind me jumping in - I'm Blondie, one of the other support mentors.

I know what you mean about money causing limitations - I also think we have periods of our lives when we need to focus on money / finances so that we are secure from a practical perspective. I think it's about finding a balance (which I agree isn't always easy).

What do you think?

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That is a very smart strategy. I think I'm stressing over all of these things because my future roommates have texted me and I'm scared I'll have a bad roommate situation like I did last year. The stress and anxiety is unlocking other stressors and anxieties. I'm panicking about having to go back to college and be confused and overwhelmed all over again.ย 

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8 hours ago, blueveronica said:

That is a very smart strategy. I think I'm stressing over all of these things because my future roommates have texted me and I'm scared I'll have a bad roommate situation like I did last year. The stress and anxiety is unlocking other stressors and anxieties. I'm panicking about having to go back to college and be confused and overwhelmed all over again.ย 

It's understandable to be cautious about roommates after that experience. One positive is you know the flags to look for this time and you'll be able to step in and make changes / speak up sooner.

Going back to college is a big deal and genuinely causes anxiety for so many people - all change, good or bad can be stressful and unsettling.ย 

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