Kinda war issue

[Alpha9th]

Hey, guys. Don't want to abuse your readiness to help, but I'd like to share this thing with someone who isn't part of my political group. 

As all of you know there is an ongoing invasion of Russia to Ukraine. And I live in Russia. 

Thing is, we are opposing our government all the ways we can without totally ruining our lives. So, here some things I struggle with. 

• First of all, I feel guilty. I had to accept that we, free people of Russian Federation, didn't stop the crazy dictator, and now our neighbors paying for it. They have the right to hate us, it's understandable. Some EU nations already start to tighten immigration and visa rules. Their leader speak about responsibility of Russians, and it's har to disagree. And I don't really know how to feel okay with it. 
• Living here is like living in authoritarian anti utopia. War-time propaganda on TV, restrictions on using many internet resources (yeah, I use VPN), in capital there is a lot of national guard. There is laws that punish for "discrediting military", people getting declared "foreign agents" if they speak the truth and there is some proof of them contacting some western foreigners. All that damn billboards: "We'll make it!", "Greet our heroes!", "Apply for military service!". I am careful and fit in for now, but it is always feels like I am an imposter here.
• If military resources will run out, there will be mobilization here. And I was a soldier before (compulsory service), I have a rank (corporal equivalent) and important specialization (medicine). It all means that I am in first priority reserve. That's funny. I would prefer to fight in another side of barricades. I am half part Ukrainian myself. 
• Honestly, I am scared (damn, it isn't easy to admit). I am afraid that everything can be in vain. I hate being part of this hateful society, although I love my country in general. And I am really, really do not want to die at this inviting unfair war. 

P. S.  Sorry for this  picture, it's just easier to cope with humor :) 

[-Leila-]

It's saying that putin will bomb the rest of the world..

[Alpha9th]

3 minutes ago, Leilaaaa said:

It's saying that putin will bomb the rest of the world..

Nah, it's just impossible. And from the inside I can tell that at least half of ru military is goddamn cargo-cult. 

[-Leila-]

29 minutes ago, Alpha9th said:

Nah, it's just impossible. And from the inside I can tell that at least half of ru military is goddamn cargo-cult. 

What's that?

[Alpha9th]

1 hour ago, Leilaaaa said:

What's that?

Imitation. 

[-Leila-]

9 minutes ago, Alpha9th said:

Imitation. 

Oh k

[Alpha9th]

So, I avoided mobilization. It took some effort, but I made it. Good thing for me. Never wanted to become an occupant. Feel sorry and deeply ashamed for all sacrifices that Ukrainian people made, protecting their homes. 

Ironically, I am ethic Ukrainian.