Why god gave me so much suffering ! (being gay + having weird fetishes + disorganized identity)

[short]

First, my sexuality. yes I am Gay but that's not the worst thing, born in a homophobic family, living in a homophobic environment, and being in a country that is taboo with homo even my own mind doesn't accept it (strange  with this situation). Can you imagine my bird suddenly getting "Hard" when I accidentally saw a certain guy but my mind found it disgusting cause confused about where the stimulation was coming from ?

I mean, how should i survive in this situation my GOD

[Alpha9th]

Hey! 

I know that feel from my past. I am not religious, but I was in my teen years. And I also live in conservative country. 

You know, if you are a Christian, you know that God do not want you to suffer. And if we try to get an answer for a question "why", there is one. God could probably want you to cope with this and become a better person or He wants to show you that there is no sin 8n your thoughts and you must learn to love those who around and yourself, as he loves you. 

Also remember that you don't need to come out until you feel ready for it and it is relatively safe. Your identity and sexuality are not going to fade just because you keep it for yourself. 

[short]

 

I don't know, trying to save it again is like adding extra burden to my heart and mind continuously but I'm also afraid to say this condition of mine.

but maybe my fate is like this, continue to live life with a "stone" on my back forever.

 

[Alpha9th]

Just now, short said:

I don't know, trying to save it again is like adding extra burden to my heart and mind continuously but I'm also afraid to say this condition of mine.

but maybe my fate is like this, continue to live life with a "stone" on my back forever.

Maybe your fate is to find a way of living when this is not a stone? Maybe He wants you to cope and rise, accept and, just maybe, help others? 

[short]

41 minutes ago, Alpha9th said:

Maybe your fate is to find a way of living when this is not a stone? Maybe He wants you to cope and rise, accept and, just maybe, help others? 

Help others ?

[Alpha9th]

Yes. Someday, with your experience. To help those in the same situation. 

[short]

8 hours ago, Alpha9th said:

Yes. Someday, with your experience. To help those in the same situation. 

I don't know, but what about you now, I mean you said you've been in the same situation

[Alpha9th]

9 hours ago, short said:

I don't know, but what about you now, I mean you said you've been in the same situation

I am bi, poly and, wierdly, demi. "Wierd" kinks included. Right now in relationship with a man.

Well, I am from Russia and prefer to stay in a closet for safety and reputation reasons. 

But in my early teens I was part of the Russian Orthodox Church. My priest even wanted me in seminary. I was really confused, even hateful towards myself because of my sexuality. 

For philosophical reasons I came to an atheism later, mostly scientific way of thinking. I accept and recognize religious people, but prefer to stay rational and pragmatic. 

[Aurora]

On 8/5/2022 at 12:40 PM, short said:

First, my sexuality. yes I am Gay but that's not the worst thing, born in a homophobic family, living in a homophobic environment, and being in a country that is taboo with homo even my own mind doesn't accept it (strange  with this situation). Can you imagine my bird suddenly getting "Hard" when I accidentally saw a certain guy but my mind found it disgusting cause confused about where the stimulation was coming from ?

I mean, how should i survive in this situation my GOD

Hi @short, welcome to the Community . I'm Aurora and I'm one of the support mentors here at Ditch the Label and I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. I'm really glad you found us. There are others here, who are in a similar situation to you and this is a very supportive and understanding community. I think @Alpha9th has already given some great advice. Please know that you are not alone!

Do you mind me asking, what country you're living in? 

[Aurora]

On 8/5/2022 at 2:31 PM, short said:

I don't know, trying to save it again is like adding extra burden to my heart and mind continuously but I'm also afraid to say this condition of mine.

but maybe my fate is like this, continue to live life with a "stone" on my back forever.

I also wanted to reassure you that being gay is not a condition.  There are lots of different ways people identify and it's great that you know your sexual orientation.  Being gay is perfectly normal and your feelings matter. I really hope that you can (with time) accept and be proud of who you are! What do you think?