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i feel so defeated


blueveronica
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i feel so defeated and hopeless. i feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me. everything i do to try to make a life for myself goes wrong. i frequently feel like i was raised wrong and now i'm at a disadvantage compared to everyone else and i don't know how to do basic things. i know people say life isn't a competition but then they go and make systems in which you have to compete to survive. as much as i would love to just have no job and not go to college and live on a farm, i just know that isn't possible and it's deeply distressing that i might just be too weak to live in this society and i just have to suck it up and submit to a life of things i should do instead of things i want to do. i've been peer pressured into applying for a club leadership position that i don't want but i figured i will have to get leadership experience some time or the other so i applied and now have signed up for an interview. i applied for housing but because of the housing crisis in my school i got stuck in a room with two other people i don't know. this year has been hard because i have a passive aggressive roommate who has also proved to be racist and insensitive that i haven't talked to in months. i texted my two future roommates to introduce myself and i've been advised to meet up with them in person, but i'm just so sick of everything i can't be bothered to. i also have a friend i'm conflicted about. she'll say rude insensitive things and be negative but other times she will be helpful and entertaining. i feel crazy like i can't trust my instincts about her because my perception of her keeps changing. her roommate also said a racist joke to me. i feel indifferent about what i want to study in school. i feel like an open wound and i'm sick and tired of living.Β 

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5 hours ago, blueveronica said:

i feel so defeated and hopeless. i feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me. everything i do to try to make a life for myself goes wrong. i frequently feel like i was raised wrong and now i'm at a disadvantage compared to everyone else and i don't know how to do basic things. i know people say life isn't a competition but then they go and make systems in which you have to compete to survive. as much as i would love to just have no job and not go to college and live on a farm, i just know that isn't possible and it's deeply distressing that i might just be too weak to live in this society and i just have to suck it up and submit to a life of things i should do instead of things i want to do. i've been peer pressured into applying for a club leadership position that i don't want but i figured i will have to get leadership experience some time or the other so i applied and now have signed up for an interview. i applied for housing but because of the housing crisis in my school i got stuck in a room with two other people i don't know. this year has been hard because i have a passive aggressive roommate who has also proved to be racist and insensitive that i haven't talked to in months. i texted my two future roommates to introduce myself and i've been advised to meet up with them in person, but i'm just so sick of everything i can't be bothered to. i also have a friend i'm conflicted about. she'll say rude insensitive things and be negative but other times she will be helpful and entertaining. i feel crazy like i can't trust my instincts about her because my perception of her keeps changing. her roommate also said a racist joke to me. i feel indifferent about what i want to study in school. i feel like an open wound and i'm sick and tired of living.Β 

Hey there, thanks so much for sharing how you feel - it sounds like there's a lot going on which can feel quite overwhelming.

I realise there's several issues here but thought it might be a good idea to look at them individually so I hope that's okay?

Wondering if you're weak sounds like you have a very low opinion of yourself - would that be right? Many people (often without us knowing) go through this. You're right, the world is designed to function a certain way but so many people don't 'fit' into that and need to find ways to move forward.

In an ideal world, what job or role would you do? You mentioned a farm for example. Β 

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In an ideal world I'd live in a small community of people and we would grow things and handmake things and live off the land and exchange knowledge with each other. Money wouldn't exist and people would help each other for the sake of helping each other and we'd be able to do the things we want to do. I would garden and forage and make art and write.Β 

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9 hours ago, blueveronica said:

In an ideal world I'd live in a small community of people and we would grow things and handmake things and live off the land and exchange knowledge with each other. Money wouldn't exist and people would help each other for the sake of helping each other and we'd be able to do the things we want to do. I would garden and forage and make art and write.Β 

So it sounds like your environment has a major impact on all areas of your life - would that be right?Β 

Do you think there would ever be conflict in your ideal environment and if so, how would you deal with it?

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12 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I think there would be personality and priority conflicts, but we would openly communicate with each other and resolve the issue understanding that we're trying to work together.Β 

So carrying that thought on - how could you transfer that into your current situation?

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5 hours ago, blueveronica said:

There isn't really a situation that requires that right now.Β 

Okay, but I’m wondering if you could apply this proactively to meeting the new roommates?

It could be key to starting off on a solid footing. What do you think?

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9 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I don't really feel like meeting them in person because I already have finals to worry about. I will just text them over the summer.Β 

I can imagine that’s a lot to prepare for. What are the support systems like in your school to help with this?

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Posted (edited)

I did on campus therapy for a while but I used up my appointments for the semester and figured it wasn't really worth it to find an off campus provider given that there were only a few weeks of school left.Β 

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5 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I did on campus therapy for a while but I used up my appointments for the semester and figured it wasn't really worth it to find an off campus provider given that there were only a few weeks of school left.Β 

Ah okay, that makes sense.

Do you feel you’re on track with your studies for finals?

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7 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I don't think I really care anymore about studying. I am going to go over stuff so I'm prepared but I'm so burnt out I'm not going to be that thorough.Β 

Do you have any self-care in place to mitigate the burnout?

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I used to do creative stuff but I have moved my art supplies home. I have been experiencing weird health problems so I'm just trying to hang on for the next five days. I've been trying to watch movies to decompress.Β 

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5 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I used to do creative stuff but I have moved my art supplies home. I have been experiencing weird health problems so I'm just trying to hang on for the next five days. I've been trying to watch movies to decompress.Β 

Movies can be amazing escapism, even if it’s playing in the background.

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