"lightbulb crush"

[gubbsy]

hey, I'm 15 and I've recently found out that I am bisexual. It wasn't really a confusing rollercoaster for me and I've accepted myself pretty quickly.

However, the way I found out I was bisexual was because I developed feelings for one of my close friends (cliché, I know). I really want to come out to her because I haven't come out to anyone in my school friend group yet and I trust her the most.

But, I'm getting some mixed signals. I feel like she might like me back, which would be great, but I can't be certain. She's really heavy on skinship and doesn't really do it with anyone else; this includes lots of interlocked fingers, hugging, her grabbing my arms and wrapping them around her to back hug her, lying her head on my shoulder. Once she even said at camp that if she were a boy she'd date me. Am I living in my head about this, or is there signs of mutual liking?

So, I'm worried that if I do come out to her all the skinship will stop. She's not homophobic, since one of our other friends came out to us as bi and she was fine with it. But I really don't want things to turn awkward.

To make matters worse, she's changing schools at the end of this year and has only told me about it. So I was thinking of confessing at the end of this year, but that's so far away that I don't know if I can handle holding in my sexuality and feelings. Yet if I confess at the end of the year and likes me back, will I have waited too late?

[Willow]

Hey Gubbsy!

 

This is great exploration and understanding of yourself!

 

It's really hard not to make assumptions about attraction. But we really can't assume anything! Like you said, your friend shows affection. Because they said they would date you "if you were a boy," I wonder what it is about you that she's not attracted to-- or is she just more romantically/sexually attracted to males?

 

I can tell you really don't want to mess things up with your friendship. Do you think you're afraid the skinship/physical affection will go away because you're feeling loved through it?

 

It sounds like you two are really close. I think open communication is the way to strengthen your friendship-- it's hard to tell what can come from it, unless dialogue starts. I would encourage you to have the conversation with her. I'm curious-- do you think you're generally attracted to both of the binary genders? Or are you attracted to this one person, who happens to be female?

 

How do you think you would approach telling her? Would you start with your sexuality and then talk about your feelings toward her? Or start with your feelings toward her? -- Since, in the end, it's all about you wanting to share your feelings for her, right?

 

Thank you for sharing ?

 

 

-willow

 

[gubbsy]

Hi! Thanks for the reply Willow! -sorry that this is lengthy-

 

Just to give a bit of context on the whole "if you were a boy" thing.. This was said because while we were just lying down in our bunks at camp one of our friends asked all of us "which one of us would you date if you were a boy'" So the girl that I like was the first to respond and said me.

 

In terms of the whole skinship situation, I'm afraid that it will go away because I do feel some sort of love by it, but to me it mainly shows that she's comfortable with me, so I feel like if I come out suddenly she won't want to be close because maybe she feels like I'll get mixed signals (which I do anyway, whoops). I just don't want my sexuality getting in the way of the level of comfort we're at with each other.

 

I know I need to have the conversation, but I don't think I can bring myself to do it face-to-face. I was thinking of coming out over messages to prevent that confrontation, however a person can say whatever they want over messages, whether the emotions they're having when they respond is true or not is a different thing...

 

sexuality wise, to be honest, I'm curious too! I like her because of her personality and how we click, but I also like her because in my eyes she's extremely cute. Before this, I have had some instances where I'd comment on different girls in tv shows or movies that they're cute and be worried if anyone thought I was gay, but maybe I was just trying to suppress the thought that I could be not straight..? I'm not entirely sure. I've been dwelling over my sexuality for a couple years now. One weird notable experience I had where I realised I might've had an attraction to girls was when one time my friend couldn't pin a badge to her shirt, so I offered to do it and this meant being really close to her boobs and my face went complete bright red, I felt so flustered and my heart was beating really fast. She is the only girl that I've been properly attracted to (as in not just 'oh she's attractive', but more like oh I want to date and kiss her). I was thinking 'maybe I'm just attracted to her as a person but not as a female', but I do think that she's really cute and pretty, so I consider myself physically attracted to her as well.

 

Also, I think I would tell her about my sexuality first. If she reacts well to my sexuality and doesn't act weird about it, I think I'd feel more confident that this friendship is strong and can't be broken by the knowledge of my sexuality. But then again, I would want her to know about my feelings to just get them out there because it's so frustrating not being able to tell her. I'm really not sure what to do here..

 

Our other friend that came out was positively responded to by her, but because she isn't as close to her as me (in terms of all the skinship stuff), I feel like it'll be different for me.

[Willow]

Hey Gubbsy!

 

No worries-- the more information, the better! And it helps you get all the things off your shoulders ?

 

Gosh- I totally understand those ?mixed signals.? We try to figure everything out before putting ourselves in vulnerable positions? and we don't want to lose the things we like! But I think the hard questions are: Worst case scenario; would you rather have a friendship without skinship, or never tell her your feelings? Since she's leaving soon, do you plan to continue to have a friendship with her? How do you feel about the idea that she may not like you back, in the same way? Would you be accepting of that? Could you ever, actually, have solely platonic skinship with her?

 

What I'm worried about is if you don't tell her, then every physical affection she shows you, she doesn't know that you're interpreting it as a mixed signal. I'm hoping that if you can tell her how you feel about her, that physical affection can be a topic of discussion.

 

I can imagine it is completely frustrating worrying about coming out to your friend. She is the reason why you've recognized you have attraction towards women? if you didn't have feelings for her, would you come out to her, immediately?

 

Coming out to her over text-- I think it's an okay approach. That gives her the time to process and respond. If that goes well would you want to tell her you have feelings for her, over text, too?

 

The part of your story where you found yourself worrying about commenting on finding other girls attractive is relatable... When you find beauty in the same gender, people might automatically presume you are homosexual-- but I know never wanted to be labeled, I wanted the freedom to be happy exploring!

 

 

-willow

 

[gubbsy]

Hey Willow! Long time, no update.

 

So, I confessed today! I'm really proud of myself and turns out she is still figuring herself out, which I respect immensely. She did say that she sees more as more than a friend, however she said she's not really ready for a relationship yet, and that she'd rather figure herself out first. I really respect her reply and I couldn't have wished for a better response.

 

After all our serious chatting, we got back into normal conversation and it was as if nothing ever happened. The only thing that has changed is that there is a bit more flirting now.. I didn't bring up anything about the skinship, however, I did ask her if this was going to make things awkward and she said no and that she will still cuddle me whenever she wants. I'm really happy about how everything has turned out and I'm really glad I finally confessed. I really want to give her as much time as she needs to figure herself out, because it is such a daunting task to come out to yourself first. I'm really proud of her for being open and honest with me with such a scary topic for so many.

Overall, it seems like everything's gonna be okay!

 

Thank you for all your help!

[Willow]

Gubbsy!!!!!!!

 

This is INCREDIBLE NEWS!!

 

You are a really good friend for not putting pressure on her. You were able to express your truth without expectations, and it was a beautiful beginning to a new chapter in your life. If anything, you've begun building your support system!

 

Feel free to add this in our "Brag Box" category... people love hearing about success stories!

 

 

-willow