more "friend drama"

[val]

So for 5 years (3rd grade to 8th grade) i have been friends with these two girls. Lets call them Izzy and Anna. Izzy and Anna, ive felt have always been closer than I was with the either of them. Whenever we'd hang out in groups, it seemed like no matter what i said, and even if they replied to me, it still felt like i wasnt wanted. Ive had issues for years about being left out. I told them that i was feeling left out and this has happened on multiple occasions and they got mad at me for being upset about it. Anna claimed that I wasnt the center of attention all the time and that i was making them feel like crap for making me feel left out. Obviously, i didnt want them to feel like crap. What i wanted was to be acknowledged and included, and it seemed no matter what i did, i would never have as strong as a friendship as the two of them. A couple of months ago, i was going through a lot mentally. My grandma had recently died and she was the best, i was grieving, well trying to, dealing with anxiety with school, and then the drama with Izzy and Anna. I didnt know how to grief and i didnt have a therapist, so i went to them for help. Constantly. I only wanted to talk about how i felt, but never thought to myself, "how was this affecting them?" They said i always threw my problems on them and they put aside their problems for me and that i only care about myself. When Anna said that, I was hurt and disappointed and just overall disgusted with myself. I only ever wanted to make Anna and Izzy happy and they didnt believe me when I said i cared for them. I always gave support when they needed it and asked if something was wrong if they were acting off, and i put their happiness over my own so many times, its half the reason why my mental health went horrible. But they didnt believe me when i told them i loved them and cared for them. I did everything I could to try and make them happy but it wasnt enough. Ive had time to think to myself about the whole situation and ive realized why they maybe of thought i didnt care about them. Once I started feeling left out, i started getting feelings of anxiety and fearing "what if they left me for each other?" "what if they replaced me?" "im replaceable." So i started getting upset at things that may have seemed small to them, but greatly affected me. Anna and Izzy made me question my own feelings so many times. And ive talked to people about what happened, and people keep saying theyre bad friends. But what if i was the problem? I apologized for all I did and stopped going to them for every little thing and changed what they told me to change, but it wasnt enough. No matter what I did, they didnt seem to enjoy my company. They didnt even tell me all the stuff i did until almost a year after it happened and after they hurt me mentally. 
 

A couple months ago, an argument happened between the three of us. Izzy and Anna were going to a different state together and didnt even consider how i felt. I was upset obviously because they were staying in this $1000 hotel with a pool and everything and i really wanted to go. They said the reason they didnt invite me was because of my homesickness i get. I dont blame them because they're right, but i cant help but fear, what if they just didnt want me there? Was i really that annoying? All these thoughts spiraling in my head and my overthinking going haywire, its like i got so overwhelmed and started an argument. They made me feel like crap for saying how i felt and what i thought of something constantly, it was no different this time. I have no therapist to tell all this and its been eating me alive since i lost Izzy and Anna, the only friends ive had for 5 years, and my whole friend group. I dont know what Anna and Izzy told the rest of my friendgroup for them to unfollow me, but im so mad at them. How come they get to live their best life, keep my friends, and have fun while I have to suffer in my house, afraid to go to school because I have no friends? Ive thought of revenge so much, and ive come to many realizations with the time spent by myself. I am not the bad person i beat myself up for. I am human. I have made bad choices, but i was not the only reason the friendship didnt work. Izzy and Anna were too. They made me feel like crap and like I had to walk on eggshells around them. I hate them so much. I cant help but wonder - and sometimes hope, they'll talk to me again, but i know it wont be the same, and ill just be left out again. I feel so much sympathy for my old friend Dani, who filled my spot beside Izzy and Anna. Shes going to go through what i did. 

 

As a person with anxiety and awkward personality, I dont know how to branch out and make friends. Everybody seems to hate me. 

[Monsoon]

Hey @val

This sounds like it was really hurtful for you, and I completely see your perspective. It sounds like they treated you unfairly and that generally, the friendship dynamic was off. When the dynamic is like that, it really does play on our minds and make us feel like there's something wrong with us, but I guess sometimes, a friendship group just isn't meant to work. What do you think?

Also, it's interesting that you say everyone seems to hate you. Can you tell me more about that?