I need help on this love problem

[crying.porcelain]

Hi, im a 15 yo girl, I decided to make this post to know someone else feedback about this whole situation that has been torturing me mentally for 2 years straight

2 years ago I changed school due the bullying I suffered on my past one, I made new friends and theyre really nice with me, one of them, lets call him “X" is the one i appreciate the most

I am a person with diagnosed Borderline personality disorder, and since always, romantic relationships had been a big struggle for me, separating from my old FP (Favourite Person, in this first case a girl I had a weird manipulative homoerotic relationship with *she ended up abusing me sexually*)

During this two years I started seeing “X" as someone I adore a lot, whenever he does the minimum affection to me all is better

Past summer “X" broke up with his gf, since it was a very toxic relationship with 0 communication from her part, he passed all the summer consumed and sinked on his own depression, talking to me and one of her older friends (which “X" treats like a big sister/therapist) about how he felt, I really supported him during all that time, and hanging out alone with him made me realize that he wasnt only my FP, but also that I developed a crush on him

That summer he was telling me back and forward that he didnt want love again in fear it happens the same, which broke mine, yet, I want him to be happy no matter what

Then all went onto the trash for me, he declared to a girl on a Halloween party, the night of the 28th~29th

That day I spent the whole night crying, thinking it should be me, not some girl he never talked to, he only knew her from class, he even asked me to stalk her insta for information of any hobbies or TV shows she might like

Now, everytime I see them my body aches to the point I dont want to go out if that means seeing them together, my body starts hurting and I start crying, I just pray and try to see similar to her as possible, I started eating less hopping I lose the 5kg I need to get on her weight, I stopped dying my hair so it looks similar to her natural color (which is mine too)

I stopped talking about my interests whenever him and me go out alone, trying to learn more about him, I started to dress similar to her, wearing toned down makeup to try to replicate her looks

I dont know if he realized about that

Yet, whenever I see her i hope I was her, not that she is pretty, but she is the one that got with him, i want to be whatever makes him happy, even if im hurting myself

I dont know what to do anymore

Apart from that, I get heavy pain on my lower chest and ny limbs when he doesnt talk to me for a day, no matter if is just a "hi" on the school hall or via chat

[DepressoLatte]

One word:Dang

Sry if not helpful, but I could talk. Also 15 yrs

[Monsoon]

7 hours ago, crying.porcelain said:

Hi, im a 15 yo girl, I decided to make this post to know someone else feedback about this whole situation that has been torturing me mentally for 2 years straight

2 years ago I changed school due the bullying I suffered on my past one, I made new friends and theyre really nice with me, one of them, lets call him “X" is the one i appreciate the most

I am a person with diagnosed Borderline personality disorder, and since always, romantic relationships had been a big struggle for me, separating from my old FP (Favourite Person, in this first case a girl I had a weird manipulative homoerotic relationship with *she ended up abusing me sexually*)

During this two years I started seeing “X" as someone I adore a lot, whenever he does the minimum affection to me all is better

Past summer “X" broke up with his gf, since it was a very toxic relationship with 0 communication from her part, he passed all the summer consumed and sinked on his own depression, talking to me and one of her older friends (which “X" treats like a big sister/therapist) about how he felt, I really supported him during all that time, and hanging out alone with him made me realize that he wasnt only my FP, but also that I developed a crush on him

That summer he was telling me back and forward that he didnt want love again in fear it happens the same, which broke mine, yet, I want him to be happy no matter what

Then all went onto the trash for me, he declared to a girl on a Halloween party, the night of the 28th~29th

That day I spent the whole night crying, thinking it should be me, not some girl he never talked to, he only knew her from class, he even asked me to stalk her insta for information of any hobbies or TV shows she might like

Now, everytime I see them my body aches to the point I dont want to go out if that means seeing them together, my body starts hurting and I start crying, I just pray and try to see similar to her as possible, I started eating less hopping I lose the 5kg I need to get on her weight, I stopped dying my hair so it looks similar to her natural color (which is mine too)

I stopped talking about my interests whenever him and me go out alone, trying to learn more about him, I started to dress similar to her, wearing toned down makeup to try to replicate her looks

I dont know if he realized about that

Yet, whenever I see her i hope I was her, not that she is pretty, but she is the one that got with him, i want to be whatever makes him happy, even if im hurting myself

I dont know what to do anymore

Apart from that, I get heavy pain on my lower chest and ny limbs when he doesnt talk to me for a day, no matter if is just a "hi" on the school hall or via chat

Hey,

I just want you to know that I've sent you a message to check in. Speak soon.