Hello

[Saby]

Hello there Saby is my name i am 22 Years old its nice to meet you all.I've been having trubble with extreme low self esteem and self hatred that has been starting to affect my every day life.

[Monsoon]

Hey Saby. Welcome to our community.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble with extremely low self esteem and self hatred, but I'm glad that you're being open and honest about it because other people will be able to help you with this, including us . Can I ask, how long have you been feeling like this, and what do you think might have started it? By trying to figure out what has caused it, this can help you to move forward and build your self esteem. 

Also, I'm wondering, have you seen our support guides here? Let me know what you think - you might find it helpful. 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/overcoming-low-self-esteem/

 

[Saby]

5 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey Saby. Welcome to our community.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble with extremely low self esteem and self hatred, but I'm glad that you're being open and honest about it because other people will be able to help you with this, including us . Can I ask, how long have you been feeling like this, and what do you think might have started it? By trying to figure out what has caused it, this can help you to move forward and build your self esteem. 

Also, I'm wondering, have you seen our support guides here? Let me know what you think - you might find it helpful. 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/overcoming-low-self-esteem/

Thank you for having me and giving your time and effort to lisen to us and help us who are in need of help you guys are the best.I have tried reading the guilde and that is how i found myself here.Honestly i've been feeling this way probably since february this year.What it has started it not 100% Sure about it,i have a feeling that i was in an abusive relationship and that caused me to become,needy,self centered,manipulative,when i realized what am i doing i started self reflecting every aspect of my life wondering iff i might be starting to go insane,or what is going on.Thats when it became worse being unable to stay alone for any secound because i will start thinking about these things and dig myself down.Now i can see the positivity in the world and love life as it is,not a perceft life but its still an amazing place to be in.I just cannot find a way to accept my looks and physicall apearance and been traping myself in a loop trying to figure out whats wrong with me iff i have some kind of mental disability or iff this is only a short lived phase.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Saby

Thanks for explaining your situation to me some more. After an abusive relationship, people can often find themselves in a really bad place when it comes to their mental health and self-esteem, so this is a completely normal response, therefore, I don't think you have a mental disability. Given that you were in a tricky relationship, it's totally normal to have a period where we have to find ourselves again and start building the parts of us that the abuse impacted, like self-esteem and confidence. What do you reckon?

It's good that you're seeking support from others and I think that the only way is up from here really - you can do this

Also, can I ask, what kind of things are you thinking about yourself? Like, what specifically goes through your mind when you're thinking about your looks and physical appearance?

 

[Saby]

Thank you for your response and help it means alot,and my appologies for responding so late.Yea not sure iff it was or was not an abusive relationship don't want to be pointing fingers,blaming others.I think i did my share of mistakes in the relationship aswell,that might have created a chain reaction of events from both sides triggering emotions and distrust in the relationship that caused it to be as horrible as it was.And regarding your question in general my face i am terribly unhapy with my face and can't really find a way to accept myself even iff i am well aware that i'd say i'm average looking,still for some reason whenever i see a pitcure of myself i hate it and keep thinking i am,generaly uglier than an average person,and i am aware of that it does not matter what others say,until i am unable to accept the way i look it will demage my relationship with friend,family,oposite sex,due to unreasonable jealusy that i might be not good enough for them.

On 5/28/2021 at 6:17 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey @Saby

Thanks for explaining your situation to me some more. After an abusive relationship, people can often find themselves in a really bad place when it comes to their mental health and self-esteem, so this is a completely normal response, therefore, I don't think you have a mental disability. Given that you were in a tricky relationship, it's totally normal to have a period where we have to find ourselves again and start building the parts of us that the abuse impacted, like self-esteem and confidence. What do you reckon?

It's good that you're seeking support from others and I think that the only way is up from here really - you can do this

Also, can I ask, what kind of things are you thinking about yourself? Like, what specifically goes through your mind when you're thinking about your looks and physical appearance?

 

[Monsoon]

Hey @Saby

No need to apologise for responding so late - you can take as much time as you like getting back to me. It's interesting that you described it as an abusive relationship and are now saying that you played into it. When people have been in an abusive relationship, they are tricked into thinking it was their fault, so just keep that in mind. If you'd like to talk about the relationship more, we are here for you. 

Also, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so unhappy about your appearance. So, you've been feeling this way since February. I'm wondering, how did you feel about yourself before? What was different about your life then compared to how it is now? 

[Saby]

Thank you for understanding.Well yes because i am trying to look at it in a neutral way,since in my mind regardless of how it may look like in my mind,it could be different from the other persons viewpoint.Blaming everything on her and saying i never did anything wrong is simply imposible.It would be self centered way to play the victim and find peace that way,but that way i could never take responsibility for my share of mistakes and learn from them,try to not make the same mistakes and become a better person that way.This thing is basically driving me crazy reflecting the whole relationship day to day,from the begining to the end.Well honestly i do not wish to talk about it,please forgive me but i just want this to stop and move on.

 

Hmm its a tough question honestly,i used to be waaaay more careless and confident,more fearless regarding life,but also less self aware,this whole situation caused me to be incredibly self aware and in some sence i see it as positive while it helped me figure out what i have to change in myself to improve as a person in general and gain,a more logical way of thinking reconsidering things,iff they are right or wrong,and be more carefull.At the moment its a bit extreem i smashed my own self esteem to the ground,but my friends and family have helped alot in making it easier with feedbacks/constructive critcism as on what i could work on to be more stable and improve at work/everything.Only thing that has been going down in a negative curve is the way i look at myself physically.

[Monsoon]

Hey,

That's okay that you don't want to talk about the relationship. I know you want to stop and move on, I completely get that. I only ask because talking about it can help people to move forward, but I respect that you don't want to speak more about it. 

I'm glad to hear that your friends and family have helped you a lot. It's so important to be surrounded by supportive and uplifting people when we are having a hard time. With the way that you look at yourself physically, I remember you saying that you're terribly unhappy with your face. I'm wondering, can you name two or three things that you DO like about yourself? This can be anything from your looks, to your personality, or even things that you're good at? It's so easy to focus on the things we don't like, when really, there are plenty of things to be liked too :). Reminding ourselves of them when we are feeling bad about ourselves can help shift our perspective from negative to positive. You have the power to change this for yourself. I know you can do it. 

[Saby]

Hello.

Thank you for understanding,yea maybe it would but i can't my appologies.

Yea,they are really good friends and familly,that is for sure would not change them for anything.Hmm thats a good question well i would say i am a Kind person,I adapt easily to things and people,and a fast learner maybe.These are the best qualities i could think off.

Yes you are definetly right on that,i think the same way that no matter how much people want to help us its our own responibility to take the leap,and make the move to change/see a more positive side of life.Friends and family are here to help but in the end of the day we have to decide for ourselfs iff we want to be happy or stay sad.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Saby

It's great to hear some of the good things about yourself. How did it feel describing yourself in a positive way instead of negative? I'm wondering, could you tell me two or three things you like about your appearance? I believe that you're ready to try this challenge that I'm going to ask you to have a go at.. hear me out: for the next week or so, every time you have a bad thought about yourself, try to replace it with two of these positive thoughts. If you keep doing this over time, you can help to change your perspective to the more positive side of life

[Saby]

Hello,

Honestly i have no idea how to feel about it.In the recent sice i discovered personality disorders such as Npd Covert Npd,Bpd...i am afraid of describing myself at all since i am afraid of becoming one of those and i have realized that at the end of the relationship i was indeed showing signs of a covert narcissist being manipulative and playing the victim only to get some atention,the moment i became self aware of my actions, that was after the relationship ended and i went on a date with an other girl and after the date when she understandably pulled away(Wich is totally understandable i would not want to have anything to do with the person either the person she met that night) I started self reflecting.Thats when i realized what i was doing and that,that person is not me,its not who i used to be,basically became disgusted with my self,and ever since i closed myself to everyone,trying not to talk about myself at all nor in positive or negative way afraid of myself basically,afraid that i might hurt some one in some way or that i won't be able to love anyone iff i cannot accept myself for who i am.

Hmm i can name 2 things for sure that is my tattoo and my hair.

Thank you for the advice i will try it as much as i can.

My appologies for my poor grammar and for being so complicated.Have a nice day.

Edited June 7, 2021 by Saby

[Monsoon]

Hey @Saby

Ah, it's interesting that you are afraid to describe yourself as those because you're afraid of becoming one of them. What do you mean by this? Do you think that you fit the criteria for any of those labels?

What really strikes me about your situation is how reflective and self-aware you are. These factors are so key to getting back on the right path, and I believe that you have it in you to do what it takes to move forward. The fact that you're aware of it makes me think that you will work on it enough to not hurt other people by behaving in that way. What do you think? 

How are you feeling today btw? 

 

[Saby]

Hello there.

Not so of becoming one but being one already or being in the past,my appologies i didn't express my self corectly.Well i am unsure of saying iff i would fit the critetia in the current moment,but in the past definetly.The moment when i started reflecting on my past i started reflecting on my whole entire life,every relationship every friendship i had,and now i have found several ocasions where i did definetly show signgs of narcissistic tendencies such as lying to make my life more interesting less "sad" life than it actually was lying about possesing certain thing i've never possesed,lying that my family is actually richer than it is,now its obvious that was never a good option since no matter how good we think we can lie,its a lie the truth is going to be on surface and the fact of the deed is worse than the truth itself.There were ocasions where i think i was "love bombing"people even iff i was unaware of how destructive that can be for the other person and how much it can hurt them,since once that action from my part stops,there is a chance they are hoing to think that they have done something wrong or,lower their self esteem.Where in the reality they have never done anything bad and the actual problem lies in me.By re thinking my life i have been questioning everything i do now iff i am doing those things to gain something out of it/get attention,or not.And i really honestly do not wish to hurt anyone in any way since its simply cruel to do so,and for sure not manipulate people into doing things,since we humans should work together to give each other advice,and possitive/constructive feedback to make our lives and the lives of others better and not worse than it actually is,and with love aswell i wish to be loved for who i am and i wish to fall in love with the person not the atention.And this is the main reason why i am afraid of being a narcissist or to be suffering from bpd,because i'm afraid to hurt my family friends and future partner,since every one of us in this world has its own problems from life has their own amount of stress maybe in a different form,but no one has it easy today everyone has to fight every morning they wakw up some are more fortunate some less,at the end of the day i do not wish to put another shovel of problems,stress,suffering,pain on anyones life for selfish reasons.

Thank you,and yes i would agree on that with you.Iff i take the responsibility for the bad things and mistakes i have done in the past,i can learn and prevent them from happening it is a long road ahead i have alot to learn,i will do mistakes in the future for sure that is inavidable mistakes are part of our life but thanks to this whole situation and chain of events,i will be more attentive of my actions and learn to differentiate bad and good to not cause anyone unwanted harm.

Its has been going great thank you. Bit clumsy at work but having fun and my mind has been alot cleaner,since i've found you thank you for helping me out,it really is great what you guys are doing.Hope you have a nice day.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Saby

Thanks for explaining your situation more to me. I get what you are saying about the labels. However, I wonder, do the labels matter to you? I think that at some point, most people have lied to make themselves look better, but you reflect and then grow from it. I really like what you're saying about how you will make mistakes in the future, and that's just life. I think that for as long as you are self-aware and reflective, then you will live a happier and fuller life. Self discovery and self improvement are key to living a full life, and I have no doubts that you are on a positive journey in which you will continue to grow as a person. What do you think?

Also, more on what you said about making mistakes: at some point, we do end up upsetting our partners through out actions, but being able to recognise what you've done, apologise, and do better next time is so important for a healthy relationship. Would you say that you are good at this in a relationship? Or, if you haven't been in the past, do you think you will be better at that in your next relationship? 

[Saby]

Hello.

Well honestly it is not that the labels themselves that matter but the things,that puts those labels together the negative and destructive behaviour is that frightens me.

Yea,you might be right but cannot talk and say anything for the future,will continue as i started now,going to give my best in everything pay more atention,and the rest is in the hands of the unknown we can never be 100% about the future.

Hmm,that is a really good question,i would say it like this it was always pretty easy for me to recognize that my partner is uneasy or upset,but then after even realizing it took a few days maybe even a week to figure out what the issue is,exactly and be able to genuently appologize for the exact wrongdoing or mistake that i have done.Can't say for sure iff it is going to be different in the future i hope so,but can't know for sure.

[Monsoon]

Hello @Saby 

I get what you mean about how the negative and destructive behaviours are frightening for you. However, I think that because of how self-aware and reflective you are, that you won't go down that destructive path. What are your thoughts on this? 

Also, can I ask, how are you feeling about everything now? I hope you're feeling a bit better. You definitely have the strength and skill to get to where you want to be. I believe in you. 

 

[Saby]

Hello.

I will try my best to not go down that path,its a long road ahead,but the most important is i cannot allow that to be the meaning of my life i'll have to find a middle ground between self reflecting,and enjoying everyday life otherwise,it wont be for any good.

It is new a certainly new feeling,that i've never had before but in a positive way.Up until a few weeks ago i was having constant panic atacks,was anxious 24/7 after work i had to drink either wine or beer to be able to sleep at all,and stop my brain from overthinking everything,i am still a bit on the low with my self esteem regarding my looks that has not changed.In general i am waaay more in controll of my emotions since talking to you and my emotions have became weaker i don't feel emotions as strong either and i think that is a verry positive thing since its giving me time and think about what actions i am going to take and what is the apropriate way to react or iff i should even react in that moment of having those emotions,iff those emotions are worth reacting upon.I feel a bit exhaused from everything but in the same way i feel like i can rest finally and have a good sleep wake up with a smile and go forward.Put a lid on the past take the all these new things that i've learned and slowly proceed to a more stable and brighter future.

[Monsoon]

Hello @Saby

I am glad to hear that you are doing so much better recently. I think it's great how reflective and self-aware you are. It seems like you've really put yourself back in the driver's seat of your own happiness since we've been talking. It's so easy for us to feel defeated by life and not take charge of things, but you've really done so well getting back on the right track and I'm proud of you. What do you think will be your next step?

[Saby]

Hello @Monsoon

Thank you,and thank you for taking your time making this happen,without you and my families/friends support i have no idea what or where i would be.

Well,i hope i do in this short amount of time i have not had such high levels of stress as before so i am kinda looking forward to see how will i take on the challanges of life with this mindset being more carefull about my actions but i really need to stop thinking about the past and somehow,and stop thinking about myself since that wont bring any good either.

I think my first step is to go back and appologize to the people,i have hurt for the things i have done,i know deeds cannot be changed but those people did not deserved to be treated in such way,but i think for me to be able to move forward i have to stand and take whats mine for the things i have done first since those people have suffered more than i can imagine,and its time to face reality to face my bigest fears,to be a man and accept full concequances of my past actions.Then only after that is when i trully will be able to move on and live life to the fullest trying my best to not hurt others.I know its imposible in todays world we get hurt by the smallest things,but there are things we can avoid to reduce that number even iff a little bit.

[Monsoon]

Hello @Saby

I am glad that you have found our support so helpful. We are always here for you whenever you need us. Yeah, I completely get what you're saying about needing to stop thinking about the past; it sounds like you know exactly where you went wrong, and as you say, you're planning to apologise to the people you have hurt. I do think it's important to look back to know where we went wrong and then help sort that out, but once we've done that, it's good to move on, as you are doing. 

How are you feeling about things now? When do you think you will start reaching out to the people you have hurt?

[Saby]

Hello @Monsoon

Yea,you guys are really awesome keep up the good work you are the heroes without capes,since you give us something that is worth more than anything and that is to hear us out who are in need,and give us advice your thoughts.Thank you verry much again.

Well i probably don't know everything where i have went wrong but the things that i do recolect and can differentiate from good and bad deeds,will be able to take responsibility for every harm i might have caused.

Honestly its getting better and better day by day,still a little bit scared from everything pulled back a bit,and cautious with who i speak and what i say/do,but in the end things are moving in a positive phase,and what really makes me happy that nomatter how much the relationship with Dani(My ex)hurt i am thankfull for it because without it i would have never started self reflecting,would have never met these people,these friends that i have,and even iff there are still,thousands of questions un answered in my head about the relationship,in the end of the day i have to focus on the good days with her,wish her the best of luck,thank her for giving me this oportunity to learn and mature,and move on finally with the best of wishes.

I have already started it,it is kinda hard to gather my thoughts and appologize from everyone genuently slowly but surely its possible.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Saby

Thanks for giving us such positive feedback - I'm glad that you've found the support helpful. We are always here for you.

It's really good that you're taking responsibility for what you did wrong; not only does this help the relationship with the person we hurt, but it also helps us to let go from our hang-ups about the past, which allows us to further open our mind up and cultivate a more fulfilling life. I completely get why you feel scared, but you're doing a good thing and moving in the right direction. 

Would you like support with anything else? 

 

[Saby]

Hello @Monsoon

My appologies for the late response

Yea agreed,it was a really good decision to make,reconected with my childhood best friend after almost 2 years of not speaking,and it is a great feeling admiting our mistakes it only shows that we are humans its comepletly normal to make mistakes.

Thank you man for everything one more time i really aprretiate it,keep up the good work iff there is any way i can thank you or help you guys out please feel free to contact me.

No thank you,i think the rest is up to me,to take on,and there are other people who need your help with bigger problems than mine,that need your advices and time,so thank you for everything,wish you keep up the good work,have a nice time,wish you the best of luck in life,the best wishes.Thabk you one more tike for everything

[Monsoon]

Good luck with everything, @Saby