hello

[nabapip]

i am very new to this forum sort of thing. especially since i'm not used to really venting out my thoughts and emotions to people other than those i trust. which are few and far between.

right now i don't really feel safe. in my house. this pandemic has been a huge struggle for me school wise and my grades have plummeted in comparison to how i was last year. i've found out a lot about myself over the past year. including my sexuality. it's been so much change, and yet i don't feel supported where i live. my mother always threatens to harm me, and i can't bring myself to do work. everytime she catches me not doing work she threatens me with the belt and i get so scared. after every interaction i cry and that doesn't help with my issue with not getting work done.

and it feels like no one else in this house cares either. today was especially difficult. my mom tricked me into thinking i was going to eat dinner. so when i went downstairs she took away my phone, said that the only reason she hasn't hurt me yet was because of my dad being around, and then sent me back upstairs. and my dad nor my older brother objected or bothered to argue with what she was saying to me. she even made up this whole scenario about my dad somehow dying or leaving forever and then she finally being able to "bruise" me, which would lead to me calling 911 and getting her in jail. what the fuck? 

i went back to my room and started drawing insults on myself with red marker. and i wrote down and drew messy art about how i was feeling. it felt awful. i've never felt this low before. i hate myself and everyone else hates me too.

it's too much for me.

[Kyy]

I am so sorry your going through this. I can understand the stressfulness of school. It really does get hard to focus and do your best with so many changes and a hard environment that you live in. A lot of people can help you out through this so you don’t feel as alone and scared... because I get that stress and fear can be a lot sometimes but yk, there are people who love you and that will help you through these bad things. I know you can do it  you are a wonderful person and don’t forget it! I’m sorry that being at home with your mom is such a hazardous place for you. She shouldn’t treat you like that, and you don’t deserve to be treated like that. Possibly, you could talk to your father privately about him doing something about it? Just so then there is more of a force for her to quit what she is doing to you. Just know I, and a lot of others, care for and love you as a person

Edited May 26, 2021 by Kyy

[Monsoon]

Hello @nabapip

Thank you for being so open and honest with us here at Ditch. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice and support to those who reach out to us. I just want you to know that I've sent you a private message to support you. Let me know here if you can't see it. We are here for you and you are not alone.